Blackadder's Naval larks, Chapter 4

Well, Blackadder is still in deep trouble. Trapped on a ship named after a King that did not even exist, deep in German waters, and surrounded by his idiot companions, save one, practical jokers, and worse by German ships. In the middle of the north sea and with companions that are less help than some of those on those films about people stuck on various naval vessels. If Baldrick's cunning plan, George's slightly sensible but not very practical plan, or Blackadder himself nicking a plan of Captain Picard does not work, can anything else save him from a rather damp end? Please read and review, hope you enjoy this, thanks, Hamfast.

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Inside the cabin with some of the other men, Blackadder was out of ideas himself. 'Suggestions, anyone?' he asked.

Dave, the vaguely competent Lieutenant was not of much help here. 'We are out gunned, and our enemy has spotted us and is in for the kill. I don't think we have any options. We can hope for reinforcements, but none are likely out here, I just hope we can swim.' Dave was competent, but not one of your more imaginative officers in the Navy.

'Not much help. Anyone else?' asked Blackadder.

'Can I help,' said a strange man, a rather scruffy rating, sweeping the floor but with a very large moustache,

'I rather doubt it,' said Blackadder shoving him out of the door, 'And shave your moustache a bit!'

George popped up with an idea. 'I know. I have a pistol here, and in this pistol is 13 bullets. I say, let me swim up to the lead ship, I am a champion swimmer as you know, with one shot I can take out each of the officers, make the rest of the ship surrender, take the ship over, one for the British Navy, use it together with this ship and do you know, I think that we would have enough firepower to take on the others, the cowardly Krauts are bound to surrender anyway, then we can sail all the way back to blighty and even have a chance to finish our mission as well which would go down in the glorious annals of the British Navy. What do you think?' everyone cheered at this plan save Blackadder and possibly Dave.

'Well, you are a good swimmer, that much is true,' said Blackadder, so far agreeing. 'But you also happen to be the very worse shot of anyone in the entire armed forces of Britain and her empire. Shooting straight is a skill which you simply do not possess. I think that blind people could shot straighter than you. With one arm,'

'I very much doubt that,' said George confidently and took out a pistol and shot at the wall. But Blackadder was correct. Just before George fired, he stumbled and the shot went wild, out of the window onto the ship's deck in fact, nearly taking out one of the silly sods. Blackadder gave him one of his looks. 'Ah, well, that was just a fluke, come one let me try again!'

'No, no,' said Blackadder putting his hand over George's pistol. He didn't want George's random shooting firing all over the ship at this time.

A small, bearded rather smelly figure came close to Blackadder. 'I have a cunning plan,' said Baldrick.

'Oh, no,' said Blackadder. The trouble with Baldrick's cunning plans was that they were always complete rubbish. 'Come on, then, out with it!'

'Well, that lead ship is the Baveria. This is skippered by one Captain Von Richoff. Now, I have heard of him, he is a tough man, but you can reason with him. What we do, is target our guns at that ship. Then we give him a message. We tell him that if he doesn't leave us alone, his vessel will be the focus of all of our firepower. And we ask, 'Will we die together?' Now, been a reasonable man, I have a hunch that Captain Von Richoff will not wish to do this. So, he will agree to retreat as long as we do so and we will outbluff him, just like Captain Picard did against that Romulan in Star Trek. Mind, to pull this off you will need to show every ounce of bluff you possess. Well, what do you think?'

Blackadder looked at Baldrick. He then replied. 'Well, I must admit that for one of your plans, that was quite a good one. I can't fault it much. Apart from one thing. If you remember, the only reason that worked in Star Trek was that the Romulan captain did not really want war with the Federation. Now, we are as you might have noticed, pretty much at war with these guys. I would be surprised if we can bluff the German captain out of this one. And remember that this ship's guns are not fully operational. There are four German ships and possibly U-boats out there. They would destroy us before we could inflict serious damage upon the main German ship. Also, I think you are confusing fandoms, this is and not Star Trek, so,' Blackadder pinched Baldrick on the nose. But then a little light went on in Blackadder's head. 'Although, thinking of Star Trek gives me an idea. Someone hand me that radio.'

Blackadder picked up the ship's radio. He put it too his mouth and spoke into it. 'Mayday, mayday. This is the Royal Navy ship the Richard 4th in serious trouble. Crippled and unable to move fast. The last thing we want is severe storms on the way which our systems show. Severe stroms? More like hurrican storms. With 20ft waves, enough to sink every ship in this area for miles around,' Blackadder spoke the last sentence slowly and with great emphasis upon the sinking. 'We would appreciate any help from anyone that could save us from certain sinking in this catastrophe.' He put down the radio with a little smile on his face. This news caused consternation amongst the crew who began to run around panicking. Save for Dave who had a reasonable idea of what Blackadder was thinking and had a little smile upon his face.

'Oh, no a severe storm we are all going to die,' cried George, the silly sods wailed and Baldrick put his face in his hands.

'We would have to abandon ship,' said someone.

This caused a sharp retort from Blackadder, 'If anyone is going to give the order to abandon ship, it will be me, all right?' he said.

In the meantime, in one of the German ships, a German first officer had been listening in on Blackadder's message. 'Mein Gott,' he exclaimed, 'The Britischers say that a major gale is on the way. Ve must be out of here before we sink!' he said to the Captain. The German captain was in a hurry to agree.

'But ze poor British ship, should ve not help them out of mercy?' saked one German rating.

The Captain took out a pistol and pointed it had the rating's head. 'You are vet around ze ears,' declared he. 'Ve will not be giving the British any, how do you say, sucker? Ve did not Vin the world cup by doing this! No, Ve had best head out of here, back to ze european coast' The Captain laughed, 'How stupid ze Britischers are. They give us information about a storm on the way. And in doing so, varn us about it. Ve are grateful to their adive. And so, ve will just sail out of the vay of it and leave the Britischers to zer fate. Why should ve care about them anyway, do we Germans have a reputation about been caring in warfare?' The captain gave an order for the German vessel to retreat.

There was only one Lieutenant, who looked a bit strange at this. 'I've heard the weather reports, there is nothing about major storms,' said he puzzled.

The Captain pointed the pistol at the Lieutenant's head. He was quite good at doing this! 'You are stupid as well,' he declared. 'Our report must be wrong. Ze Britizers have expert weather prediction systems, you should know that they never get it vong. Come on, ve are out of here,' he ordered.

Dave looked up his binoculars. 'The Germans appear to be retreating,'

'Good,' said Blackadder.

He then looked up from the radio, 'they have left us a message, 'no chance of help, swines, ve leave you to your fate,' and some strange thing about 7-1,'

Then there became some considerable confusion. 'You mean that there isn't a major storm on the way? Why say it then?' asked George.

'I don't quite understand,' said Baldrick.

Blackadder was tempted to hit the table with his head. 'Good lord, even Captain Kirk never had to deal with cretins like you. I will explain and if you listen very carefully, you may understand, or else you can live all of your lives in a fog more stupid than a Klingon 2nd lieutenant. We were having some trouble with some German ships, yes? I had to try to get rid of them. So, I send out a false message about there been major storms on the way. Causing them to believe, this, been very stupid, fortunately for us, then they get out of the way and we can make our own way back to blighty. Get it, is there someone there save Dave with an ounch of brains with them?'

There was a considerable pause as many of the crew tried to think, not something that came naturally to many. George put his finger in his mouth and made popping noises. The 3 silly sods stood on one leg each as they concentrated hard. Then, strangely, it was Baldrick who understood what had happened. 'Oh, yes, just like Captain Kirk did against the renegrade Klingons in episode 25!'

'Well, done, Baldrick, though I do sometimes wonder about your strange moments of semi-coherence!'

'Thank you, Mr. B!'

'Also, how do you know so much about a program that hasn't been made yet?' Blackadder asked.

'How comes you know so much about it, sir?'

'Hmmmm, tosay!'

Dave was looking at the German vessels with his field-glasses. 'Sir, it seems that one of the ships hasn't gone away. The major one as well.'

'Give me that, Yes, it seems one is still out there. Didn't they get my message or where they not fooled by it?' Blackadder wasn't to know until later, but my some strange quirk of fate, that ship had radio problems and had not received any message. It was still in for the kill. A shell thumped near the Richard 4th. As far as Blackadder was aware, the ship was still onto them. The Richard 4th would have difficulty coping with even one destroyer. Blackadder looked down at the sea. The rain was softer, but the wind was harder and colder. The Sea looked choppy, cold, and very wet. 'Looks like we could still be in deep trouble here,' he sighed. 'I'm out of ideas on this one!'

'Unless we have some help from a rather spiffing bloke,' suggested George.