Hey folks! Two chapters at once! Know that chunks of this chapter may have come out of the book. It's brilliant that I have, like, 140 views. How did that happen? Comment! Send in ideas so I can integrate them into the plot!

I just made some revisions.

Artemis was glad to wake up with no missing parts. He'd been worried the other Slytherins would mess with him,, so he'd taken the liberty of putting a curse on his bed and bag. The raven, who he had yet to name, could take care of herself. Considering he had taken several tries to get the spells right, he'd been worried they wouldn't work properly.

He got out of bed, and smirked when he saw that Crabbe and Goyle, self-evidently the henchmen of the class, both had some nasty boils on their faces. That would teach them to try and mess with him. They glared at him as he took out his clothes and toiletries without ill effect. None of the others were up yet, so he got dressed quickly and went down to the great hall, where he wouldn't be outnumbered so badly.

In the Great Hall, Artemis and a couple Hufflepuffs were the only ones there. Artemis was glad, as that meant he could catch up on his spellwork. Hufflepuffs wouldn't bother people. He mainly worked on transfiguration, changing the forks into spoons and knives into forks, and then back again. Definitely improving, but not to a third year level. He supposed he'd have to practice during lunch. After about half an hour, the rest of the school started filing in. Naturally, the Slytherins all gave him venomous glares. Fortunately, none were willing to try and fight him after Crabbe and Goyle's' mistake. Instead, they started talking about Potter's incident on the train.

"Did you hear what happened to Potter on the train?" Draco laughed. " 'Save me professor, the dementors are after me!' I hear he actually fainted!" He imitated a swoon, and the other Slytherins started laughing hysterically. Of course, it was then that they-who-are-attached-at-the- hip decided to enter. Granger muttered something to Potter, and they moved on to the Gryffindor table. To his misfortune, Artemis had nowhere to sit but the Slytherin table, so he had to listen to their pathetic attempts at humor for the rest of breakfast.

"Potter! Pathetic little boy! Still misses his Mommy, eh?"

"Dementors in the Great Hall! Save us, chosen one!"

"What's so scary, huh? Things in cloaks! Not like they can do much!"

After a while, Artemis was sick of listening to the Slytherins' attempts at mockery. "And what about you, I wonder? What were you doing, Draco? I don't suppose they felt a sense of kindred feeling? Crabbe and Goyle? Do your brains not have the capacity to feel fear? And Pansy, you clearly have self esteem problems. It's evident that your jeers are merely an attempt to compensate for your lack of both physical attractiveness and a caring parental figure. From what I, the mudblood, can tell, the standard disaster response appears to be run now, mock later. All of you assume your parentage implies special favor, when it truly means far more should be required of you. Now if you would excuse me, I have work to attend to." Artemis stood up and left the rest of Slytherin flabbergasted.

As a matter of fact, Artemis did have work to do. He needed to understand the school building, as none of the other students would help him. For the next twenty minutes, he wandered through the shifting staircases and fake doors until he thought he had a basic understanding of where most things were. Then he walked up to the divination tower for the first lesson.

The class started ten minutes later. They-who-are-attached-at-the-hip arrived 9 minutes after Artemis, breathing hard from the steps. They started talking to the irritating portrait of a knight, Sir Cadogan. Apart from them, there was Neville, the clumsy Gryffindor from the train, Dean Thomas, a soccer lover, a couple of chattering Gryffindor girls, a few Hufflepuffs, and one small and dreamy looking Ravenclaw. Artemis was starting to regret his decision.

Just then, a golden ladder dropped from the a trapdoor in the ceiling. They all climbed the ladder and entered a pathetic excuse for a classroom. Someone had crammed a load of small tables and armchairs inside. They didn't appear to believe in good lighting or clean air, as the room was smoky and badly lit with incense candles. The windows were closed and it was stiflingly hot due to the fireplace. There were candles, tarot cards, prophetic orbs, and teacups everywhere.

A voice suddenly sounded. A very soft, airy voice, like someone trying to sound mysterious, but just sounding ditzy. "Welcome," it said. "How nice to see you in the physical world at last."

It was a very thin woman with long hair and owlish glasses, and she was dressed up like a fortune teller.

"Sit, my children, sit," she said, and they all climbed awkwardly into armchairs or sank onto poufs. Artemis sat with the head-in-the-clouds Ravenclaw.

"Welcome to Divination," said Professor Trelawney, who had seated herself in a winged armchair in front of the fire. "My name is professor Trelawney. You may not have seen me before. I find that descending too often into the hustle and bustle of the main school clouds my Inner Eye."

Nobody said anything to this extraordinary pronouncement. Professor Trelawney delicately rearranged her shawl and continued, "So you have chosen to study Divination, the most difficult of all magical arts. I must warn you at the outset that if you do not have the Sight, there is very little I will be able to teach you… Books can take you only so far in this field… " Artemis was not impressed by her pathetic attempts to disguise an inability to teach. "Many witches and wizards, talented though they are in the area of loud bangs and smells and sudden disappearances, are yet unable to penetrate the veiled mysteries of the future," Professor Trelawney went on, her enormous, gleaming eyes moving from face to nervous face. "It is a Gift granted to few. You, boy," she said suddenly to Neville, who almost toppled off his pouf. "Is your grandmother well?"

"I think so," said Neville tremulously.

"I wouldn't be so sure if I were you, dear," said Professor Trelawney, the firelight glinting on her long emerald earrings. Neville gulped. Professor Trelawney continued placidly. "We will be covering the basic methods of Divination this year. The first term will be devoted to reading the tea leaves. Next term we shall progress to palmistry. By the way, my dear," she shot suddenly at Parvati Patil, "beware a red-haired man."

Parvati looked suspiciously at Weasley, who was right behind her, and edged her chair away from him.

"In the second term," Professor Trelawney went on, "we shall progress to the crystal ball - if we have finished with fire omens, that is. Unfortunately, classes will be disrupted in February by a nasty bout of flu. I myself will lose my voice. And around Easter, one of our number will leave us forever."

A very tense silence followed this pronouncement, but Professor Trelawney seemed unaware of it.

"I wonder, dear," she said to Lavender Brown, who was nearest and shrank back in her chair, "if you could pass me the largest silver teapot?"

Lavender, looking relieved, stood up, took an enormous teapot from the shelf, and put it down on the table in front of Professor Trelawney.

"Thank you, my dear. Incidentally, that thing you are dreading - it will happen on Friday the sixteenth of October."

Lavender trembled.

"Now, I want you all to divide into pairs. Collect a teacup from the shelf, come to me, and I will fill it. Then sit down and drink, drink until only the dregs remain. Swill these around the cup three times with the left hand, then turn the cup upside down on its saucer, wait for the last of the tea to drain away, then give your cup to your partner to read. You will interpret the patterns using pages five and six of Unfogging the Future. I shall move among you, helping and instructing. Oh, and dear" - she caught Neville by the arm as he made to stand up - "after you've broken your first cup, would you be so kind as to select one of the blue patterned ones? I'm rather attached to the pink."

Sure enough, Neville had no sooner reached the shelf of teacups when there was a tinkle of breaking china. Professor Trelawney swept over to him holding a dustpan and brush and said, "One of the blue ones, then, dear, if you wouldn't mind… thank you… "

Artemis paired off with the Ravenclaw, who had a magazine in her grasp and was looking slightly above his head. Ravenclaws were supposed to be somewhat intelligent. She looked to be a year younger than him and had a peculiar set of glasses.

"Hello," she said. "I'm Luna Lovegood. I got put in this class a year ahead, because my father says I'm a seer. He's the editor for the Quibbler," she said. "You've haven't got any wrackspurts floating around you."

Artemis frowned. "What's a wrackspurt?"

Luna removed her spectacles. "A Wrackspurt. They're invisible. They float in through your ears and make your brain go fuzzy, and nearly everyone's got a couple of them."

"I am known to be extraordinarily intelligent. I'm Artemis Fowl."

Her eyes clouded over a little. "You'll do great things. Break the stone walls, the pillars will crumble. The dragon and the fox, locked in a battle of frozen fire."

"What?"

Her eyes cleared. "What?"

"You just… never mind. Let's get our tea, shall we?"

They got their tea and drank it. Artemis made a face. This tea wasn't exactly the Earl Grey he got at home. They swirled there tea and swapped. Artemis looked at Luna's cup and saw… nothing. He frowned. Luna was looking very intently at his. Artemis turned it and saw an eye. Turing to page 5, He learned that an eye basically represented everything possible in the wizarding world. It could mean a hand of fate, a curse would be upon you, or you need to go to the optometrist.

Luna looked up. "What do you see? I see an acorn, which means gold. And if you turn it this way, there's a moon, which is luck and surprises. But here, there's a cross, which points to horrid tribulations."

Artemis considered this. The acorn and moon were probably a reference to fairykind and his discovery of Vault 0. The cross was slightly worrying. But then, he was used to tribulations. Luna was surprisingly close. "Yes, gold is very popular in my family. I see an eye. Which could mean nearly anything. Most likely-"

"An eye! Watch out for curses in the future my dear, and beware blindness. And you, Master Fowl, should beware the moon, and look out for wolves." Professor Trelawney had come out of nowhere. Artemis sighed. Her flashing jewels and glasses simply made her impossible to take seriously. She walked over to Potter and Weasley, and Artemis was about to return to Luna, when she screamed over Harry's cup.

There was another tinkle of breaking china; Neville had smashed his second cup. Professor Trelawney sank into a vacant armchair, her glittering hand at her heart and her eyes closed.

"My dear boy... my poor, dear boy no it is kinder not to say.. . no... don't ask me..."

"What is it, Professor?" said Dean Thomas at once. The others crowded around her, while Luna and Artemis just waited.

"My dear," Professor Trelawney's huge eyes opened dramatically,"You have the Grim."

"The what?" said Harry. The muggleborn students looked puzzled, but the others were scared.

"The Grim, my dear, the Grim!" cried Professor Trelawney, who looked shocked that Harry hadn't understood. "The giant, spectral dog that haunts churchyards! My dear boy, it is an omen - the worst omen - of death!"

Artemis rolled his eyes. Then Hermione walked over and looked into the cup in question. "I don't think it looks like a Grim," she said flatly.

Professor Trelawney surveyed Hermione with a look of dislike. Artemis smirked.

"You'll forgive me for saying so, my dear, but I perceive very little aura around you. Very little receptivity to the resonances of the future." Seamus Finnigan was tilting his head from side to side.

"It looks like a Grim if you do this," he said, with his eyes almost shut, "but it looks more like a donkey from here," he said, leaning to the left.

"When you've all finished deciding whether I'm going to die Or not!" exclaimed Harry. Some tension went out of the room.

"I think we will leave the lesson here for today," said Professor Trelawney in her mistiest voice. "Yes... please pack away your things..."

Silently the class took their teacups back to Professor Trelawney, packed away their books, and closed their bags.

"Until we meet again," said Professor Trelawney faintly, "fair fortune be yours. Oh, and dear" - she pointed at Neville - "you'll be late next time, so mind you work extra-hard to catch up."

The students left the classroom. Next, Artemis had History of Magic. Unfortunately, he hadn't had a chance to talk to Luna. Although Trelawney had seemed fraudulent, he had sneaking suspicions that Luna actually was a Seer; her predictions had been uncanny, and he had seen an eye in the teacup. The goblin at the bank had said that Hugo de Fole was prophetic, and Luna had said something eerily similar to De Fole's words. Artemis thought it would be a good idea to befriend her. She seemed more intelligent than at first glance, and held a lot of (perhaps slightly erroneous) information about the wizarding world.

History of Magic was taught by a ghost, Mr. Binns. It was incredibly boring, even (or especially) for a genius. He quickly realised that Binns was more or less taking verbatim from the books Artemis was reading on the train. He found this rather depressing, as the books he'd read were hideously outdated- several hundred years old. After that, he was only half listening, and instead considered his electricity problem.

The problem was what he'd been worked on with Foaly, that magic worked like saltwater, floating about in the aether and corroding circuits at a touch. To solve it, he'd need to coat his electronics in a magic proof substance that nevertheless allowed radio waves to travel. From what he'd determined, silver, gold and iron were all somewhat impermeable for magic- that was probably what made so many of the myths about their effects on magical creatures, namely fairies and werewolves, and why they were used for wizard currency. He had these metals in supply, but he needed to determine how to use them. He definitely needed to increase their effects, because phone wiring already contained iron.

Artemis was jolted out of his reverie by the bell. He stood and slowly moved towards the Great Hall. He needed to find somewhere to work on his problems. The dorms were too full of Slytherins, and the dining hall was too full of people. Artemis was not interested in sitting outside. He ate lunch quickly and started searching for a place. After a while, he settled on the first floor girls' bathroom, which no one used because of Moaning Myrtle, a whining ghost, and the Chamber of Secrets incident last year. Hopefully he'd find another spot later.

After the free lunch period, it was time for Care For Magical Creatures. Artemis was not enthusiastic. Animals weren't his forte, nor was the outside. Especially considering the fact that in a looser class setting, the other Slytherins would certainly cause problems.

For once, they-who-are-attached-at-the-hip were in front of him. Oh, joy. A class with the Gryffindors. Despite being estranged by the Slytherins, Artemis did not like Gryffindors. They were not incredibly intelligent, and were often belligerent and impatient. None seemed to understand the idea of thinking ahead, and they glared at him simply for being a Slytherin, or perhaps for seeming stuck up. He was fine with Hufflepuffs, who had long terms plans and an admirable dedication to their work. Ravenclaws were better. They ignored the house rivalry, although they would like to win the cup, and they shared his academic interests.

Hagrid was waiting for his class at the door of his hut. He stood in his moleskin overcoat, with Fang, his boarhound, at his heels, looking impatient to start.

"C'mon, now, get a move on!" he called as the class approached. "Got a real treat for yeh today! Great lesson comin' up! Everyone here? Right, follow me!"

They were led to the edge of the forest, to a paddock. "Everyone gather 'round the fence here!" he called. "That's it - make sure yeh can see - now, firs' thing yeh'll want ter do is open yer books -"

"How?" said the cold, drawling voice of Draco Malfoy.

"Eh?" said Hagrid.

"How do we open our books?"Draco repeated. He took out his copy of The Monster Book of Monsters, which he had bound shut with a length of rope. Other people took theirs out too. Artemis smirked as he brought out his, completely calm.

"Hasn' - hasn' anyone bin able ter open their books?" said Hagrid, looking crestfallen.

Artemis sighed. "I have."

The others turned to him, looking shocked and jealous. Hagrid beamed. "Great! Care teh explain how?"

Artemis raised it up. "You stroke the spine," he explained. He did so, and the book fell open with a slight purring sound. The others looked at him in disbelief. Draco sneered.

"Oh, of course! Stroke the spine. What fools we've been! No, doesn't take a genius to figure it out!"

"I - I thought they were funny," Hagrid said uncertainly to Hermione.

"Oh, tremendously funny!" said Draco. "Really witty, giving us books that try and rip our hands off!"

Blaise glared. "Shut up, Draco. Quit whining." Artemis smiled inwardly. First day, and he was already breaking up the Slytherins' house loyalties. It was nice to know he was getting to them.

"Righ' then," said Hagrid, who seemed to have lost his thread, "so - so yeh've got yer books an' - an' - - now yeh need the Magical Creatures. Yeah. So I'll go an' get 'em. Hang on... "

He strode away from them into the forest and out of sight. Immediately, Draco started arguing with the Gryffindors. Artemis shook his head- Draco needed a lot of work- and turned around- to see Hermione Granger, with a slightly sour expression on her face.

"How did you figure it out?" she asked.

Artemis gave a vampiric smile. "Well there had to be some way of calming then down, right? So I treated it like I would any living thing, and tortured it until it confessed."

Hermione quickly ran off, looking considerably more nervous. Artemis rolled his eyes. Just because he was a Slytherin, didn't mean he was bloodthirsty. All living things liked contact, and the spine was as much of a sensitive area as a living book could have.

Then Lavender Brown, one of the chattering Gryffindor girls, squealed and pointed towards the opposite side of the paddock.

There was Hagrid, with some of the most peculiar animals Artemis had ever encountered. They had the bodies, hind legs, and tails of horses, but the front legs, wings, and heads of what seemed to be giant eagles, with cruel, steel-colored beaks and large, brilliantly orange, eyes. The talons on their front legs were half a foot long and deadly looking. Each of the beasts had a thick leather collar around its neck, which was attached to a long chain, and the ends of all of these were held in the vast hands of Hagrid, who came jogging into the paddock behind the creatures.

"Gee up, there!" he roared, shaking the chains and urging the creatures toward the fence where the class stood. Everyone drew back slightly as Hagrid reached them and tethered the creatures to the fence.

"Hippogriffs!" Hagrid roared happily, waving a hand at them. "Beau'iful, aren' they?"

Artemis frowned. No doubt, they were elegant and fantastic looking, but they had a certain ferocity in their eyes, and wickedly sharp claws. They definitely weren't a first lesson. Mark my words, someone will be in the hospital wing by the end of the day.

"So," said Hagrid, rubbing his hands together and beaming around, "if yeh wan' ter come a bit nearer -"

No one seemed to want to. Harry, Ron, and Hermione, however, approached the fence cautiously. Gryffindors.

"Now, firs' thing yeh gotta know abou' hippogriffs is, they're proud," said Hagrid. "Easily offended, hippogriffs are. Don't never insult one, 'cause it might be the last thing yeh do."

Of course, Draco and his cronies weren't listening. Nor were most of the other Slytherins. Theodore Nott seemed interested, though. Having lost his mother, his father had been very protective. No doubt he hadn't had much adventure in his youth.

"Yeh always wait fer the hippogriff ter make the firs' move," Hagrid continued. "It's polite, see? Yeh walk toward him, and yeh bow, an' yeh wait. If he bows back, yeh're allowed ter touch him. If he doesn' bow, then get away from him sharpish, 'cause those talons hurt.

"Right - who wants ter go first?"

No one looked eager. Finally, Harry Potter stepped up. The chattering Gryffindor girls gasped. Artemis sighed. Of course. Although Artemis didn't begrudge him, the boy went looking for trouble, and always found it. You'dd think the whole Voldemort problem as a baby would be enough for a lifetime. But no, Potter always succeeded, apparently from nothing but his blatant sense of disregard and sheer Gryffindorish stupidity.

"Good man, Harry!" roared Hagrid. "Right then - let's see how yeh get on with Buckbeak."

He untied one of the chains, pulled the gray hippogriff away from its fellows, and slipped off its leather collar. The class on the other side of the paddock seemed to be holding its breath. Draco's eyes were narrowed maliciously.

"Easy now, Harry," said Hagrid quietly. "Yeh've got eye contact, now try not ter blink… Hippogriffs don' trust yeh if yeh blink too much… Tha's it," said Hagrid. "Tha's it, Harry... now, bow."

Harry bowed. The hippogriff didn't move. "Ah," said Hagrid, sounding worried. "Right - back away, now, Harry, easy does it."

Suddenly, the hippogriff bowed. "Well done, Harry!" said Hagrid, ecstatic. "Right - yeh can touch him! Pat his beak, go on!"

Harry obliged, and the hippogriff blinked slowly. The the Gryffindors applauded. "Righ' then, Harry," said Hagrid. "I reckon he might' let yeh ride him!" The boy looked a bit doubtful by now. "Yeh climb up there, jus' behind the wing joint," said Hagrid, "an' mind yeh don' pull any of his feathers out, he won' like that… "

Harry hoisted himself onto Buckbeak's back. "Go on, then'" roared Hagrid, slapping the hippogriffs hindquarters. The hippogriff took off. Artemis stared in wonder as the immense creature flew with 12-foot wings. It flew around the paddock and landed surprisingly gently. The Slytherins looked disappointed nothing bad had happened. "Good work, Harry!" roared Hagrid as all the Gryffindors cheered. "Okay, who else wants a go?"

The rest of the class took courage, and entered the paddock. Hagrid started untying hippogriffs, and students started bowing. Artemis was paired off with a tawny one named Brightclaw, and was relatively satisfied when it didn't viciously slaughter him for stroking its neck. Of course, as Artemis had predicted, the class was not incident free. Draco had taken over Buckbeak.

"This is very easy," Draco drawled, loud enough for everyone to hear. "I knew it must have been, if Potter could do it... I bet you're not dangerous at all, are you?" he said to the hippogriff. "Are you, you great ugly brute?"

It happened in a flash of steely talons; Draco let out a high pitched scream and next moment, Hagrid was wrestling Buckbeak back into his collar as he strained to get at Draco, who lay curled in the grass, blood blossoming over his robes.

"I'm dying!" Draco yelled as the class panicked. "I'm dying, look at me! It's killed me!"

"Yer not dyin'!" said Hagrid, who had gone very white. "Someone help me - gotta get him outta here -"

Hermione opened the gate as Hagrid lifted up Draco. He had a long gash down his arm. Hagrid started walking towards the school, with the entire class in tow.

"They should fire him straight away!" said Pansy Parkinson, who was in tears.

"It was Malfoy's fault!" snapped Dean Thomas. Crabbe and Goyle flexed their muscles threateningly.

They all climbed the stone steps into the deserted entrance hall.

"I'm going to see if he's okay!" said Pansy, and they all watched her run up the marble staircase. The groups went to their dorms. Artemis followed the Slytherins down to the dungeon.

"Oi. Do you reckon Malfoy'll be okay?" asked Theodore.

"Blaise nodded. "Even if he's a sod, he's a tough little bastard. He'll bitch until the end of days, and come out alive and hissing mad." He looked troubled, though.

Artemis smiled. Although they had a bad reputation, Slytherins had their upsides. They were fiercely loyal to those in their 'family,' even if it was only in private. There were very few Slytherin turncoats to be found, even if they were turning from the dark side.

Artemis decided to do the History of Magic homework. He had 10 inches on the goblin rebellions of 1357. He completed it in about 15 minutes and got back to his books until dinner.

When the bell rung, the Slytherin third years left for the dining hall. They were all still a little shaken. He heard some dark mutterings about "getting Hagrid fired." They settled down at the table like a dark cloud, shooting glares at the Gryffindors. These were returned by the others in the third year class. Hagrid didn't come to dinner, nor did Draco. Artemis didn't particularly care. Hagrid had not given him a favorable impression, and it should've been obvious to everyone that hippogriffs would lead to trouble. Now that hippogriff, intelligent as it seemed, would almost certainly be put to death. Draco had acted ridiculously; it wasn't even a deep cut, and he shouldn't have provoked the hippogriff. Artemis had seen and experienced worse; if it was truly that terrible, Draco would've passed out, not complained endlessly. Artemis had work to do if he wanted Slytherin to clear up their act.

Naturally, they-who-are-attached-at-the-hip arrived and left early. They probably left to visit Hagrid. It was an unusually quiet dinner, no doubt due to their absence, and Artemis went to bad deep in thought.

Yes, I know Luna isn't in Divination with the trio (or in any of the books up to the fifth, really), but who cares, because I LOVE LUNA LOVEGOOD! I couldn't wait until the fifth book to include her! Just put it down to the trio's general obliviousness, because I didn't feel like thinking of a better way to put her into the story. I don't know about the electricity thing, so I made stuff up. If wizards can't figure out pencils, they can't figure out electricity. Artemis operates under the belief that he can solve any problem he puts his mind to, and he does. I also know nothing about goblin rebellions, but 1362 feels like a good year.

Happy daylights savings! (0_0)

This isn't mine.