Thanks again to those of you who reviewed. This chapter was going to be much longer (and feature a conversation between Kate and Juliet), but I decided to split it up since there doesn't seem to be much incentive in killing myself. I know some of you are disappointed that this isn't another fluffy Jaby story, but as I said, I have a whole arc planned out that I think you'll all enjoy (There are a few things Kate needs to learn before she's ready to be a mother again). At least I know you'll like where it's headed. I tried to add some lightness this time around in case it was getting too angsty – please, please give me something to work with here, because when I saw I only got two comments last time I was seriously considering giving this fic (and maybe even fan fiction) up.
Chapter 4.
Everything was bright. Too bright.
Disoriented, Kate let her eyes flicker open, forcing them to focus on her surroundings.
The first thing she noticed was Jack lying on his side next to her, watching her, his head propped against his palm, so close that the tips of his fingers grazed her temple, smoothing a stray bang back from her face.
"What time is it?" she asked him when she saw how much light was coming in through the curtains. It had to be at least ten.
"Almost midday," he told her without glancing at the clock, brushing her cheek with his knuckle. "You looked so peaceful – I didn't wanna wake you."
Even though it was Saturday, she couldn't hide her surprise at seeing him there; he usually went in for a few hours to check on his patients before lunch. "Shouldn't you be at the hospital?"
He shifted his hand to the small of her back, leaning over so that there lips were almost touching. "There's nothing there that can't wait until Monday, so they—" he kissed her softly "—are just gonna have to do without me for one day." He kissed her again, resting his forehead against hers. "Which means barring any life threatening accidents – I'm all yours."
His dedication was one of the things she loved about him; he never shrugged everything off like that – not unless it was a special occasion and she made a point of reminding him.
He was being too sweet; too focused on her. It all came back to her then: the cramps (which seemed to have eased), the doctor, the near crippling guilt of realising that if she'd only taken another test like she wanted, it might have all turned out differently.
The last thing she remembered was being curled in a ball on the couch with her head in Jack's lap, while he did his best to comfort her; he must have brought her upstairs and put her to bed after she cried herself to sleep.
Her throat was dry and her face still felt swollen. "I know I was kinda a mess last night, but I'm okay now, Jack," she assured him; the pain had faded to a dull ache overnight. She didn't even understand why it hurt so much in the first place: she hadn't even had time to process it before it ended. "I don't need you to babysit me."
He cringed on hearing the word, but he recovered quickly, fixing her with a lopsided grin. "Can't a man take the day off to spend with his beautiful girlfriend?" he teased her, reaching over to pull her against him.
Part of her wanted to withdraw, so that he would leave her alone, but she settled into his chest with her ear pressed to his sternum, grateful for his warmth as she listened to the steady pulse of his heart.
She kept her face turned away from him, to keep him from seeing the truth, but he tilted his neck so that he could watch her expression as he added, "You know, we really should do something about that. Girlfriend just doesn't sound right. Wife – now that has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"
He raked his fingers through her hair, letting his arm fall back across her shoulders as he amended, "His beautiful wife…"
While they were yet to formalise their relationship, neither of them had made a secret of the fact that that was where it was headed: they were supposed to be starting a family together. She knew he was only bringing the idea of getting married up now to distract her; to keep her from dwelling on that, but just for a moment, she let herself be charmed.
"Yeah, it does," she agreed as she allowed his words to sink in, noting with a pang how much better 'beautiful pregnant wife' would have sounded.
His face lit up with a soft, affectionate grin. "So I guess that means I should do something about getting you a ring," he told her, cupping her jaw in his palms and lifting his head so that he could kiss her.
The way he touched her made her feel like she were made of glass: fragile, delicate; when she could see that he was holding back, reluctant to let it go any further, she rolled on top of him, trying to get him to respond, but he stopped her before she could act on the impulse that seemed to be coming from somewhere outside of herself.
"Whoa, hey, hey," he murmured, his fingers wrapping around her elbows, pushing her away gently. He set her down on the mattress beside him, his expression grave as he sat up, running a hand over his face. "I'm not sure that's a good idea in your condition, Kate."
"My condition? I'm not pregnant anymore, Jack," she reminded him, sitting up herself, annoyed and relieved at the same time. She wasn't really in the mood – in fact, if she was honest, it was probably the last thing she wanted to do – but she wasn't sure what else to do with herself; how to make the pain go away.
"I know, Kate, and I'm sorry," he agreed, his dark eyes full of regret, "but even if we had sex that wouldn't change. It's gonna be at least two weeks before you're ready to conceive again, and even then, it might still be too soon."
She could see where he was going with this: he didn't think she could handle another pregnancy right away – even a successful one – but she couldn't help asking, just so that there could be no misunderstanding. "What're you saying, Jack?"
"I'm saying I think we should wait before we try again—" he explained, cutting her of before she could voice her horror over this suggestion "—not forever, but at least one full cycle, which is what I'm sure the doctor advised."
She didn't want to encourage him by telling him that he'd given her the same speech, in less sympathetic terms. "That's six weeks, Jack," she pointed out, struggling to contain her misery at thought of spending another two months resenting the women she saw on the street, in the grocery store, at the park – women like Claire, who didn't seem to realise how lucky they were.
"Which seems like a long time, I know," he agreed, slipping his arm around her waist, tracing small circles over her hip with his palm, "but I just wanna give us the best possible chance."
"So maybe we should see someone…" she suggested, afraid that even after putting herself through that torture, it wouldn't work, and she would be right back where she started.
"And they'll tell us to come back in a year," he insisted, setting his jaw, making it difficult to determine whether it was the doctor or the man who was so dead set against it. Did he really think it was that unreasonable, or was he just afraid of what they might hear?
"We don't need to see anyone, we just need to be smart about this," he told her, softening once he saw that she wasn't going to push the point. "We'll get you as healthy as we can, get you some prenatal vitamins so your body's ready when you do get pregnant again… We just have to take it one step at a time, starting with getting you better."
"So that's it?" she asked him, her heart sinking when she realised there wasn't going to be a discussion. As much as she hated giving him that much power, she knew there was nothing she could do if he wasn't going to let her win. She couldn't have a baby without him. "You're putting your foot down?"
"I'm putting my foot down – at least for now," he agreed, the corners of his lips quirking into a smile. "You wanna change my mind, then you need to rest." He kissed the top of her head and took his arm back, using it to stand. "I'll go get you something to eat."
She knew he meant well, but she didn't want to lie around all day wallowing. That would only make her feel worse. "Jack, I can't," she called after him as he was about to leave. "I need to do something or I'm just gonna lie here thinking about it."
With her eyes she pleaded for him not to leave her alone; she wanted to go downstairs with him, to lose herself in something as mundane as making breakfast, but he seemed to have other ideas.
"Okay," he agreed with a smile, climbing back onto the bed and crawling towards her. "So what if I rest with you?"
She smiled back as he wrapped his arms around her and they settled with him spooning her, his cheek resting against hers, feeling happy for the first time since she'd woken up that morning. "That's better."
Next chapter: Jack talks to Claire, and Kate talks to Juliet... ;)