Why are all these chapters so damn long? Thanks for all the comments and support, people, you all continue to amaze me! I hope this one isn't too boring, but hey, it's filled with Sirius Black and titled Noticing Remus, so it shouldn't be too bad, right? I love comments! Wink wink, nudge nudge ;)
Note: To the anonymous reader who pointed out that Madrid is very far from the beach, I know and I'm so sorry for the inaccuracy regarding your home town! But really, it was the perfect place for this fic so I couldn't help myself. Thanks for being such a good sport about it though :)
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Chapter 4: Noticing Remus
For the first time since he could remember, Sirius had actually enjoyed his summer.
The summer before that he'd been too preoccupied with settling into his new life with the Potters and trying to forget his old one with the blood relatives he no longer called family. But this summer was different. It was just him and James for most of it and they'd had a blast, wandering around Muggle London for hours on end, playing one-on-one Quidditch as often as they could and generally laying about lazily while dodging thoughts of holiday homework. Here and there, there were days where James would visit Lily or vice versa, now that they were dating and she'd stopped threatening to deform him in horrible ways, and Sirius mostly stayed out of their way during those times.
He was happy for James, really he was; the guy had been chasing the girl relentlessly for six years and now he'd finally got her and her him, but there was a small – alright, a significant – part of him that was jealous of losing his best mate to a girl. He just couldn't see the appeal. Lily was alright, sure, when she wasn't wielding a wand threateningly, and she could be kind and funny, but Sirius had spent time with girls who were also kind and funny, but he'd never wanted to spend time with them in place of his best friends. It was times like these where he wished he could go see Remus or Peter and complain (Sirius didn't bitch, thank you very much), about this to them, but Remus was off holidaying in Spain for three weeks and Peter had family over and was busy for most of the holidays.
Sirius loved James; he was like a brother to him, not by blood but by mind and heart, but even the best of brothers needed time apart from each other. They functioned best as the Marauders, with all four of them. They needed Peter for the one they could be united by helping and to make them feel appreciated; and they needed Remus for his calm logic that pulled them all together and made them into something, and stopped them from biting each other's heads off. So although Sirius had had a decent holiday, he was relieved to be seeing his other two friends and returning back to normalcy with them.
Sirius searched the crowd of heads for a low, blonde head and a taller light brown one that would signal his friends' arrivals at the platform. Steam hissed from the train and he could hardly hear James asking him for the fifth time if he'd seen Lily, over the sounds of owls hooting, students laughing and shouting, and everyone chatting noisily about their holidays. He was just about to turn and tell James to piss off and look for his girlfriend himself, when he saw a fiery red head hurrying through the crowd.
Here we go, he thought, rolling his eyes, the mushy, supposedly romantic run and jump into each other's arms with squeals of 'Oh Jamiekins, how I've missed you!' and 'Lilyflower, I love you so much!'. Sirius ignored for a moment the fact that Lily would never do something like that, in place of being bitter about their sickening love fest.
James saw the hurrying shock of red hair too and he grinned, but Lily didn't even look at him as she ran past his open arms.
They turned, one in hurt shock and one in amused surprise, to see Lily fling herself at a tall, fair haired man. Said man laughed in apparent delighted surprise, and hugged her tightly as he lifted her just slightly off her feet in an embrace. Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius saw James give the man a suspicious, hurt glare, but then Lily was pulling away and Sirius looked back at the two. For a moment, Sirius watched as Lily chatted happily to him, eyes lit up and cheeks flushed as she grinned from ear to ear, but then he took a proper look at the bloke she was talking to and he gaped in surprise.
It wasn't a man – it was just Remus.
But he was different. He had grown, shooting right up until he was almost as tall as James and maybe taller than Sirius by an inch or two, but it wasn't just height that made him look taller; he also held himself differently. He held himself with greater confidence and with less tension, as if he was more sure of himself, and Sirius had trouble remembering that this was once the scrawny little boy that had shaken like a leaf when the Sorting Hat was placed on his head all those years ago. Sirius sensed more than saw James' mirrored shock but before he could comment, Remus had glanced over and spotted them.
The tall werewolf who was more man than boy now, hurried over to them, Lily trailing behind, a wide grin on his face as he drew them both into a brief hug. With a spark of annoyance and childish jealousy, Sirius noted that his childhood friend was a little taller than him now and that somehow during the holidays he had filled out more. He no longer felt so frail and the body that pressed against Sirius was solid and stronger than he remembered. When Remus pulled back and smiled at them, Sirius also noticed that his skin was slightly tanned and, with a vague absence, that a couple of freckles dotted the bridge of his nose.
"Merlin, Remus, what the heck did they feed you in Spain and where can I get some?"
Sirius was brought out of his shock a little by his best friend's disbelieving voice. Remus laughed modestly but it wasn't the same shy, embarrassed laugh that Sirius remembered – it was warmer, more cheerful.
"Meat, sugar and that's about it. I had the time of my life."
"Yeah, I'll say," James muttered, looking his friend up and down while Sirius frowned in suspicion at the knowing smirk on Lily's face, "You look... different. Good different, but... different."
Remus shrugged nonchalantly but the simple roll of his shoulders had Sirius noting that the movement was easy and fluent, less nervous and awkward than he'd always remembered.
"I'd show you some photos but I know how you two feel about museums and art galleries, Merlin forbid that you actually learn some history. So how were your holidays?"
James chatted easily about the things they'd done and about halfway through his retelling of how Sirius had almost got run over by a motorbike, Peter showed up and he was asked about his holidays too, but still Sirius remained silent. He stared intensely at the werewolf, struggling to accept that this was the same boy he'd known since first year. Truth be told, he'd always felt Remus was more frail and delicate than the others, even when he'd proven himself to be able to hold his own against them, but now he looked mature, sure of himself and like a... like a man.
It unnerved Sirius and he wasn't sure he liked it. This was going to change the dynamics of their group – Sirius had always accepted Remus as the shy, quiet one that he could always depend upon to be there, waiting quietly outside the limelight while Sirius and James formed their infamous reputations. But would he be the same now? This Remus commanded respect and Sirius got the feeling that if the werewolf now demanded something, he would actually feel compelled to do it.
Sirius jolted out of his thoughts when Remus moved, leaning in close to James to take a good look at the HB badge on his chest. Remus' face lit up with surprise, amazement and something that looked like pride in his friend, and suddenly Sirius knew that he wanted Remus to be making that face for him. He wanted this new Remus' respect and admiration – he'd never wanted someone's approval so badly in his life. This alarmed him because Sirius Black didn't want anyone's approval; in fact, he'd sought out disapproval of practically everyone for almost all of his life and he refused to suddenly begin bending to someone else's whims and wants just to impress them.
Then Lily was saying something to James and in the brief interlude, Remus smiled warmly at the brooding, silent animagus and Sirius momentarily forgot to breathe. He stomach jumped in alarm, his heart stuttered uncertainly and for a moment, Sirius was taken aback by how wonderful Remus looked when he smiled like that. Then, remembering that he looked like an idiot just gaping at Remus like that, he hastily returned the smile clumsily and he thought he saw the light honey-brown eyes flicker in slight concern.
But then James was calling over his shoulder as he, Lily and Peter set off to get a carriage, and Sirius started out of his uncharacteristic awkwardness. He quickly levitated his trunk onto the train and stepped up after it, sensing Remus following behind.
James, Lily and Peter had already pushed their trunks into the overhead spaces and Sirius and Remus did the same before returning to say goodbye to their parents, or in Sirius' case, his best friend's parents. Mrs Potter embraced both boys tightly, telling Sirius to try to behave and James to uphold his position as Head Boy. Mr Potter gave them both a brief, one-armed hug and asked with a hint of amusement that no more letters be sent to them about one of them making something explode. They laughed, agreed (well, James did, anyway) and departed, rejoining their friends back in their carriage to wave goodbye out the window, equally terrified and excited about their last year.
When the train drew away from the station and the waving figures eventually fell out of sight, they all sprawled onto the chairs. The exception was Remus, who reached up to the overhanging space to open his trunk, smiling slightly.
"Before you ask, yes, I did bring you all back some gifts."
James whooped and grinned, already reclining slightly across the seat next to Lily. Sirius watched as Remus turned and tossed a large bottle of what looked like a Spanish brand of Wizard Brandy at James, who deftly caught it, whistling in appreciation.
"Although I'll expect you'll have to confiscate it from yourself, Head Boy", Remus grinned at him. James snorted. "As if", while Lily pointedly closed her eyes and turned her head away, obviously trying not to smile. "I saw nothing."
It was Peter's turn next to receive a quality Spanish leather wallet and he turned in over carefully in his hands, his eyes wide, mouth fumbling over his thanks. Remus was already digging in his trunk again, emerging with something colourful and neatly folded, with a book, About Madrid, on top, for Lily. She gushed excitedly as she flicked through the book on the history of Madrid and bright pictures on important sites, before holding up what looked like a bright red and gold shawl. Remus laughed as his arms were immediately filled with excited Lily and she draped the cheerfully coloured shawl around her shoulders, admiring the rough, hand made clothing.
"Good choice, Moony; Gryffindor colours."
"Shut it, you," Lily smiled, flapping the end of the material into James' face before turning back to Remus, "It's beautiful, I love it."
"I'm glad you do."
Sirius' heart completed an award winning somersault as Remus reached into his trunk again. He was sure he could hear his blood pounding in his ears when the man emerged, holding up a black, leather jacket.
Remus smiled, placing it in Sirius' disbelieving hands. The leather was soft and Sirius could instantly tell it was of excellent quality. He'd complained something fierce last year, when he'd spilled Firewhisky on his old leather jacket and, no matter how desperately he spelled or scrubbed, the stain would not come off. Remus, kind, thoughtful, clever Remus, had bought him a new one, of even better quality, and hand-made in Spain. He stared down at the clothing in his hands in awe, and if he'd been able to think properly, he would have thought that today was one of the quietest days of his life.
"I think that means, 'thank you'." James said in wry amusement to Remus as they watched Sirius stare in amazed silence at the jacket.
"Well, in that case, you're welcome." Remus addressed Sirius kindly, reaching up to shut his trunk before flopping down onto the seat across from him. This woke Sirius up a little and he finally allowed himself to grin, thinking about how brilliant this genuine Spanish leather jacket would look on him when he rode his new motorbike. He still couldn't think of anything to say but Remus saw the grin and understood, smiling back before settling back in his chair with a book.
Before long, Lily announced that she and James had to go organise the prefect meeting and she carefully folded her new shawl and stashed it in her trunk, then leaving the carriage with James behind.
Hastily, Sirius retrieved a Quidditch magazine from his trunk and pretended to immerse himself in it to avoid showing his discomfort around Remus when talking to him. Luckily, the carriage wasn't too silent as Remus chatted with Peter about the shorter boy's holiday in between reading his book, and he appeared busy enough not to notice Sirius stealing glances at him from over his magazine. He couldn't help it – it was as if a strange, previously undiscovered creature had sat down in the carriage and he just wanted to watch it forever. His eyes hungrily took in the light brown hair, streaked with dark gold, and the comfortable, reclining but still graceful posture, with the long, lean legs crossed. Remus talked and smiled more easily than he used to and Sirius drank it all in, finding that he wanted to see and hear Remus' smile and laugh more often – he wanted to see all of him more often.
He couldn't help his eyes from flicking up and down Remus' body curiously, wondering what he looked like beneath those baggy clothes now that he wasn't so scrawny. His eyes had just paused on the hint of a collarbone he could see beyond the man's shirt and jumper, when he realised that the room was silent. He glanced up to see that Peter was looking out of the window in a daze and Remus was looking directly at Sirius, eyebrow raised in question. Sirius froze before trying to smile his trademark, careless smirk but it felt unfamiliar and awkward on his lips and he felt his face heating up.
Was he...? No, Sirius Black did not blush! Remus appeared to notice this too as his other eyebrow joined its twin, rising elegantly as his eyes paused on Sirius' flushed cheeks.
He scrabbled for something to say but thought that the truth, or a part of it, sounded more plausible than any lie he could have come up with at that moment. "It's just... you look... different."
"So I've been told." Remus smirked, but it was humorous and not unkind.
"What happened? Did something happen over the holidays?"
Remus paused, apparently thinking cautiously as the train rattled and they swayed with the hurtling machine. "To be honest, I don't think I've changed that drastically, I just... know myself better now. I suppose visiting a different culture helps you do that."
This appeared to be all that Remus intended to say on the topic as he rearranged his book pointedly and Sirius responded with a small "Oh", before going back to his magazine in the descending silence of the carriage.
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Remus tried not to dwell on it, he really did, but Sirius' silent, brooding stares had been getting to him. The usually loud, talkative boy had barely spoken a word since he'd seen him and he'd been looking at him with this expression on his face that made Remus wonder if his recent revelation about his sexuality was stamped across his forehead in glittering rainbow flamboyance for only Sirius to see.
He crossed his legs the other way when he felt Sirius' eyes on him again and he was considering talking to Sirius directly about it, asking him what exactly was going on, when James and Lily reappeared from their meeting. They both looked tired and James complained loudly about the prefects being whingers who he planned to feed to the giant squid, but surprisingly, Lily didn't counter him. She gave Remus a pointed look and indicated towards the door. Understanding but still a little confused, he followed her back out the door, as she muttered "I need your help with something", apparently only for the benefit of the others. As he closed the door behind them, Remus could feel Sirius' eyes on his back again.
In a flash, Lily had turned to him, drawn her wand, cast two-way silencing spells on the surrounding carriage doors and fixed him with those intense green eyes. Remus only had a moment to appreciate the girl's impressive wandwork before she spoke, her voice commanding and fierce but he could hear the eager curiosity beneath it. "Honestly, Remus Lupin, you send your friend a letter out of the blue, telling her you think you're attracted to men, that you kissed another man, an exotic Spanish man, I might add, and you don't reply to my letter. You're lucky I didn't send you a howler after receiving no reply for three weeks. Tell me everything."
Remus felt blood rising to his cheeks and he hissed at her to lower her voice, but she airily waved it away. "The silencing charms will hold for a long time and I made them strong enough to withstand a whole ocean of merpeople singing out of water. Now talk."
Remus took a deep breath and, trying to ignore the uncomfortable, nervous feeling in his stomach, obeyed and began speaking. Lily listened silently, her face showing various expressions as he spoke but she never made an attempt to interrupt. It felt good, telling someone he trusted everything that had happened. It had been embarrassing at first, but she seemed only eager to hear everything and he found himself suddenly eager to tell. However, his courage faltered at the point where he began telling her about kissing Ernesto around the side of the church. At his now fumbling words and returning blush, Lily quickly deduced what he meant and her eyebrows rose and she gasped. "You did what?"
"Not everything," he hastily tried to clarify, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, "We didn't go very far. It wasn't... you know, sex, exactly but err, it kind of made things clear, that it was for real, that I really... was attracted to him."
"So you... in a church?"
"No, no, it was outside, around the side and – that doesn't make it that much better, does it?"
Lily snorted and tried to stifle a giggle. "Alright, alright, you defiled the outside of a church. Go on."
Remus sighed and failed to hide his smirk before continuing. He talked more generally about what a great time he'd had with his new friend, trying finish up quickly before the food trolley Lady started her rounds, ending the hasty retelling of his holiday with how he and Ernesto had exchanged addresses to write to each other.
Before he'd left for Hogwarts that summer, he'd told his mother that if anything arrived for him by muggle post from Spain, to send it to him via owl. She'd asked if he'd made a new friend over there and if they were now pen pals, and while he didn't tell her the whole truth, he didn't feel bad by confirming that.
"How unfair," Lily shook her head after he finished speaking, smiling, "On the first holiday you ever have, you go to Spain, meet a sweet, exotic Spanish guy, who shows you the most romantic time and gives you your first sexual experience. I've been to France four times and the most I've gotten was some old guy trying to feel me up without so much as a, 'How do you do?'"
Remus laughed and wordlessly, Lily drew him into a tight hug, transforming all the support, comfort and love that she could give to her friend without words. He held her back and was grateful to have someone who he could talk to about all of this, someone who wanted to hear about this new part of his life and was there to support him, even when he didn't want to admit to himself that he was still nervous and needed such support. Unfortunately, James chose that moment to emerge from the carriage, in the middle of calling back to his other two friends, " ... to the loo."
He turned to see Remus and Lily caught in an embrace and raised his eyebrows pointedly, but his smirk showed his limitless trust for his friend and girlfriend.
"No, don't mind me; please, go back to your secret love affair and just ignore the hurt best friend and boyfriend."
Lily rolled her eyes and sighed while Remus smiled apologetically at James and unwrapped his arms from around the red head.
"We will and I'll enjoy every minute of it, Potter." Lily retorted, pecking James on the cheek and winking openly at Remus before slipping back into the carriage. James grinned and bumped Remus playfully with his shoulder as he passed, whining pitifully. "Remus, how could you? I thought we had something special together – did last night mean nothing to you?"
The werewolf rolled his eyes in an imitation of Lily and flipped James two departing fingers before following his red headed friend back into the carriage, trying not to grin like a madman. He couldn't help but look forward to the new school year. There would be piles of work to do, stressful, life-changing exams and the prospect of farewelling the place that had been a home to him for the past seven years. But, he had the best friends possible to help him deal with all of this and they certainly wouldn't be left behind with all the memories.
He smiled, watching the friends that he cherished more than anything.
James had come back from the bathroom within minutes and was engaging his dark haired best friend in excited chatter about the prospects of their Quidditch team for the year, his eyes lighting up behind his glasses as he compared the abilities of their team mates and opposing teams. Peter watched this debate, eyes flicking back and forth between his two friends as he waited dutifully as ever to show his support for the boys he practically worshiped.
Lily sat, legs crossed as she flicked through the book he'd given her, her eyes pausing and brightening on a photo of Parque Del Buen Retiro, cleverly recognising the park from his descriptions. She flicked him a knowing smirk, well aware that that was the place where he'd almost kissed Ernesto that first time and then went back to the book happily, reading about the history of the park.
Then finally, Remus' eyes landed on the other Marauder, Sirius Black, the obnoxious, confident boy who had reason to be, talking animatedly to James about Quidditch.
Once, in sixth year, Lily had asked Remus how he could stand being around Sirius when he was so arrogant and self-obsessed, even more so than James. Remus had simply told her that there was more to Sirius than the eye could see, that you had to really get to know him, but later that night, he'd thought about her question more deeply. There certainly was more to Sirius than arrogance and undisguised talent and good looks. At his heart, he was a passionate man; he loved things intensely and fiercely, including his friends, and even though he made mistakes and often acted rashly, he would die for his beliefs, doing what he thought was right. Thinking carefully about it, Remus thought that this part of Sirius was like a mirror to Lily and that that was probably why she clashed so ferociously with him.
What Remus didn't tell Lily was simply how easy it was to get caught up in Sirius Black. Remus watched him talk, admiring the familiar, passionate glint in his grey eyes that had been absent thus far in his uncharacteristic silence, watching as his hands gesticulated something about Quidditch that Remus would have thought boring, but wouldn't have minded watching Sirius talk about it for hours.
The exotic creature that was Sirius Black had always fascinated Remus, intimidated him a little, but fascinated him, nonetheless. But now, knowing what he did about himself, he found the warmth in his stomach and the gentle smile forming on his own face from just thinking about his friend, infinitely more disturbing than he used to. It had always been this way, his silent admiration for the Black heir just another part of the dynamics of their friendship, but now Remus realised it for what it was and knew he had to stifle it before it got out of hand.
Funny that it should take him three weeks in another country to realise that his feelings for someone went much deeper than they should have.
And just as Remus was hastily averting his eyes from his handsome friend, Sirius was glancing over at him, wondering how it took Remus holidaying in another country for three weeks for him to really see the mild-mannered, fair haired man for the first time.
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I would love any comments you choose to bestow on this humble writer! I know that this chapter was massively long and rather uneventful, but the next chapter will hopefully be more exciting so please don't give up on me yet. :)
Hey you, yeah, you, sitting there reading this – you're awesome.
Cheers!