Disclaimer: Since when did JKR do silly things like making Marauders fill out silly surveys?

Dedication: Those of you who have been waiting since the beginning for this. Long live Padfoot!

Also, to Tonksy for coming up with the owning Snivelly's arse thing.

"Padfoot!"

Sirius Orion Black tried to ignore the squeaky annoying voice coming from behind him...

"Padfoot!"

... But he wasn't having much luck.

"Padfoot!"

He clenched his fists and walked faster.

"Padfoot!"

By now he was considering changing his name.

"PADFOOT!"

"What do youwant, Wormtail?" he nearly shouted.

Peter, or Wormtail, didn't seem to notice.

"Padfoot!"

Did the boy know any other words?

"You have to help!"

Sirius' interest was immediately sparked. Not that that was hard to do in the first place.

"What's up, Wormy?"

"My dog is in grave danger!"

A bit confused, Sirius nodded for him to continue.

"Look at the parchment! Look!"

A quick glance at the crumpled parchment in Peter's hand was enough to give him a near heart attack.

Sure, he may be a bit... exuberant at times and slightly more than a bit air-headed... but he wasn't stupid.

He knew Peter Pettigrew did not have a dog.

But the little note Prongs scribbled on the parchment told no lies. Prongs would never lie to him.

The prophecy would come true.

He had to fill out the survey... his life was at stake.

You see, Sirius Orion Black just happened to be an animagus.

And his animagus form just happened to be a dog.

If one were to put the pieces together... well, they might gather that Sirius or "Padfoot" could be considered Peter Pettigrew's dog.

He quickly snatched a quill of a poor, indignant first year's hand and began scribbling down his answers. For his sake.

::Padfoot::

Hi, my name is: Sirius Orion Black.

But you can call me: Sirius: Sex God of Uranus. Sirius: Super Sexy Marauder Extraordinaire. Sirius: Owner of Snivelly's Greasy Arse. You get my drift. How about Sirius: King of Arse-y-ness?Whoa, where did that come from? I'm hearing Moony voices in my head, help!

Never in my life have I: Tried on Snivelly's pants. I don't know why anyone would want to do that... but, hey, it could happen.

The one person who can drive me nuts is: Snivellus usually does a pretty good job. Always skulking and sniveling around. He reminds me of a bat. A great skulking, sniveling, greasy bat.

My school is: My kingdom. All residents of Hogwarts shall bow and kiss the dirt I walk upon! BOW TO ME! I AM YOUR LEADER! Except for Prongs. Prongs is my special advisor. He's going to help me conquer the world some day. We. Will. Rule. Just you wait and see.

When I'm nervous: Pah. Sirius Black, nervous? You must be out of your mind.

The last song I listened to was: A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love! It's been stuck in my head all day. I have a tendency to sing when I have songs stuck in my head. People envy my lovely singing abilities.
Oh, come and stir my cauldron
And if you do it right
I'll boil you up some hot, strong love
To keep you warm tonight
Oh, yes. I know you want some hot, strong Sirius lovin'.

If I were to get married right now it would be to: Hah. Sirius Orion Black does NOT get married. Sirius Orion Black will NEVER settle down. NEVER!

My hair is: Perfect. Absolutely gorgeous. You're jealous. You're jealous of the Sirius Black hair.

When I was 4: I blew up my dear mother. What fun memories. You should've seen the look on Reg's face.

Last Christmas: Last Christmas? I hope you know I don't remember a damned thing about last Christmas. It's called firewhiskey, love.

I should be: This, obviously! I'm saving my own life here!

When I look down I see: My feet. Standing there in the middle of the crowded corridor. Not that it matters. Sirius Orion Black moves for no one!!

My happiest recent event was: When Snivelly's potion "accidentally" exploded today. He's in the hospital wing covered in painful, blistering sores at the moment. Ah, good times.

By this time next year: I should have all of Scotland taken over. Hogwarts is just one small step to the rest of the world.

My current gripe is: A gripe? A gripe? Where's Moony when you need him? Will I get eaten if I don't know the answer to one of the questions?!

I have a hard time understanding: What the bloody hell a GRIPE is!

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: Hah, one single person? Are you kidding me? I'd stand on the tables in the Great Hall and announce it to the WORLD! Or a

I want to buy: There are lots of things I want to buy. But I'm decent enough not to say them aloud on this particular piece of parchment. Nudge nudge wink wink.

Where do you plan to visit: I was planning on going to Prongs' house. We'll plan our secret conquest of the world there.

If you spent the night at my house: You'd probably be scarred for life. Or at least lectured on the oh-so sacred values of my insane bloody-crazy family.

The world could do without: Slytherins. Especially greasy, skulking, sniveling ones.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: Didn't I already say I had enough decency not to list that here? Nudge nudge wink wink. Just kidding. I think the last thing I bought was a sugar quill.

Most recent thing someone else bought me: Honeydukes chocolates... I didn't eat them, though. I'm pretty sure they were spiked with love potion. First years are creepy.

My middle name is: Orion, isn't it obvious by now?

In the morning I: Sang with my beautiful voice A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love! Would you like me to demonstrate again? No? You don't know what you're missing...

Last night I was: Wouldn't you like to know? Eh? Eh?

There's this guy I know who: Led a rendition of Celestina Warbeck's "You Charmed The Heart Right Out of Me" during breakfast in the Great Hall. Want to know who it was? It was me. You're jealous. Jealous, I tell you!

If I was an animal I'd be a: Anything but a dog. I don't fancy being eaten by a clown right now.

A better name for me would be: Sirius: Sex God of Uranus! Sirius: Super-Sexy Marauder Extraordinaire! Sirius: Owner of Snivelly's Greasy Arse! Wait... didn't we already go through this?

Tomorrow I am: Going to try to make amends with the Giant Squid. I don't think he's liked me too much ever since first year when I "accidentally" pushed Peter into the Black Lake.

Tonight I am: Going to be watching my windows. I have to make sure no clowns sneak in to eat me, see.

My birthday is: May 4th. It should be a national holiday! Sirius Black's Birthday Day! Parades! Filibuster's No-Heat Wet-Start fireworks! And, best of all, no classes!

I got this survey from: Wormy. I have to remember to thank him. He just about saved my life.

ATTENTION ANYONE WHO READS THIS PARCHMENT: YOUR DOG WILL GET EATEN BY A CLOWN AS YOU SLEEP IN YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON IN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS.

Love, Prongs.

Don't worry, Prongs! I saved your dog!

Love, Wormtail.

To all future readers: I would just like to point out that Peter Pettigrew is alifesaver. Without him, I would be clown-chow by now. Many thanks to you, Wormy, my boy.

Love, Padfoot

::Many, many years later::

"Luna!"

Luna Lovegood tried to ignore the squeaky annoying voice coming from behind her...

"Luna!"

... But she wasn't having much luck.

"Luna!"

She clenched her fists and walked faster.

"Luna!"

By now she was considering changing her name.

"LUNA!"

Sighing in defeat, she stood and waited for her pink-haired friend.

"What is it, Tonks?"

"You have to hurry!"

... And so the saga begins again.

A/N: I hope I put Sirius to at least justice he deserves. Sorry about the end, I just couldn't help myself. I'm going to fill it out and post it to my profile. Feel free to pass it along and save my poor spastic ADHD dog from a terrible fate of being eaten by an evil clown. At least leave a review. Clowns are afraid of reviews; the more reviews I get, the less chance Casper will be consumed by a savage clown. Please, think of the dogs. Leave a review.