About a week had passed since Feliks's phone call from Alena, and he was still overjoyed about it. By the point, she had called him twice and he had also received a letter from her. Nothing could have made him happier.
Although Toris was happy about it, he couldn't help but feel a little sad that he wasn't Feliks's main person anymore. Alena had worked her way into Feliks's heart, and Feliks was always talking about her. What he couldn't figure out was why he was so jealous. It wasn't like it really mattered anyway. Feliks could be friends with whoever he wanted, so why was he so jealous of Alena?
"Feliks, you really seem to like Alena a lot," Toris commented one day. "While I admit she's great and really sweet, you seem to be obsessed with her." He scratched at his head. "I know it's none of my business, but you're not in love with her, are you?"
The blond was quiet for a moment. "What makes you think that?" he asked. "Of course I'm not in love with her. I don't even know her." He laughed. "Why would you think that I am? Do I talk about her too much? I can stop, you know."
Toris immediately felt bad for bringing it up. "No, it's not that. You can keep talking about her if you'd like."
"Does it bother you when I do?" Feliks asked. "If it does, I can stop. I just want to make sure you're comfortable." He blushed. "I mean, she was your friend first, so you already know everything I have to say. It probably gets tiring to have to listen to me talk about things you already know."
The brunet sighed. "It's not that," he said.
"Are you jealous of her?" Feliks's green eyes went wide. "That's it, isn't it? You're jealous of Alena because you think I like her!"
"Whatever," Toris huffed. "That's stupid."
Feliks laughed. "Whatever you say, Toris. It's just that it's written all over your face is all."
"Shut up," he grumbled at his cell mate. "What would you know anyway?"
"Why are you jealous of her?" the blond asked. "I'm just curious about that part of it. You have no reason to be."
"I don't know!" he blurted out. "I just am! Okay?!" Toris leaned heavily against the wall he had been standing near. "I don't know why I'm jealous. Jealousy has always been a foreign concept to me. I've never understood it before, yet I don't know why I feel it so strongly now." He sighed. "Yes, I am jealous, Feliks. I'm jealous, and I have no idea why."
Feliks smiled. "You wouldn't happen to be falling for me, would you, Toris?"
"Impossible!" Toris snapped at him. "Get real, Feliks! It's got to be something else!"
"Yeah?" Feliks asked. "Like what, your majesty? You're in love with me, but you just don't realize it yet."
"I could never fall in love with another guy," the brunet scoffed. "That's just insane. I'm not gay, Feliks, and I never will be either. You can't turn me."
"You're gayer than you think, buddy-boy," Feliks laughed. "Just wait for it. It'll hit you, and it'll hit you hard. Right in your big, Lithuanian face. And you'll see that I was right all along."
Toris scoffed once more. "We'll see about that."
.
Toris sat across the table from his mother, shackles on his wrists and ankles, as she visited him. He was embarrassed that he had to be chained up like some monster, just to see his mother in the flesh, but rules were rules. So many stupid fucking rules.
"How are you feeling today, dear?" Justina asked her son, smiling at him. "You seem to be adapting well here, from what I've heard. That's good. How's your cell mate doing? Feliks, right?"
Her son was amazed at how well she remembered Feliks's name. When he had first told her, she had told him she didn't even want to know anything about prison or how life was there. Now she was just there asking about everything. It made Toris feel comfortable, yet uncomfortable at the same time. What had made her more accepting of his situation.
"He's doing well," Toris answered. "Feliks wanted me to tell you hi." He smiled back at his mother. "My meetings with Dr. Adnan have been going well. My new meds are incredible. I wake up in such a great mood every morning! It's great!"
"That's wonderful to hear, dear," Justina answered. She was practically beaming with joy. Was she hiding something from him? Did she know something that Toris didn't know?
"What has you so happy today, Mom?" he asked, hoping she'd tell him. Not knowing was starting to eat at him. "You seem to be a lot happier this time than you have been the past few times you've visited. I mean, the other times, you've sobbed the whole time."
"I've accepted your fate," she softly said. "I know that I can't change what happened, but I will accept the fact that you are here now, and not back in Iowa City with the rest of us. Your friends send their love." She pointed to the pieces of paper on the table. There were so many of them. "We all really miss you, Toris."
"I know," he softly said. "Do you still believe that I didn't do it?"
"I don't know what I believe, if I'm honest," Justina replied. "You could've done it, you know."
"How?" Toris demanded, slamming his fist on the table. He was starting to get angry just be hearing something so absurd. "There is no way I would ever kill another human being! It's impossible!"
"See how quickly your anger flared up right there?" she asked.
"My anger has nothing to do with it, Mom!" he yelled at her. "I would never kill someone! How could you say something like that to me?!"
"Toris, please stop yelling," she softly said to him, looking down into her lap.
"No!" Toris shouted at her. "This isn't fair! You waltz right in here, all happy and shit, pretending that everything is okay, and then accuse me of murder?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! How could you do something like that to your only child?!"
"Because I don't know what to believe anymore!" his mother replied, raising her voice back at him. "You were there that day, Toris! They had you on the security cameras!"
"I keep telling you, I wasn't there!" he shouted. "Who are you going to believe?! If you're going to keep accusing me, I'm just going to go back to my cell! In fact, I'll just go do that! Have a nice day! And don't even bother visiting anymore!" He turned to face the doorway where the guards were waiting for him, face flushed with anger.
"You don't mean that, Toris," she softly told him.
"Yeah?" he asked. "Well tough shit, Mom. Maybe I do." He walked over to the door. "I'm done here," he told the guards. "You can show her out." Though he heard her softly sniffling behind him, he didn't even turn around to say goodbye.
.
"Shut up!" Feliks said, appalled. "There is no way your mom accused you of murder today!"
"She did!" Toris huffed, pushing the barbell above him. "I thought she would always be on my side, but it looks like that's not true." He let out a slow breath of hot air as he brought the barbell back onto the rack. "I'm so done with all of this. For real. Maybe it's best that I came here to prison. It's nice here. It's peaceful here. No one fucks with presumed murderers."
"True that," Feliks laughed, tossing Toris a towel.
"From now on, it's just you and me, Feliks," Toris sighed. "We don't need anyone else. No more fake people in our lives."
Feliks's heart sped up, but he pretended that he didn't notice it. "Just us?" he asked. "What's with the sudden decision?"
"You've never lied to me or been fake toward me," Toris replied. "You've always been straight up to me since day one. I really appreciate that in a person."
The blond smiled. "Yeah, no problem at all. I'm glad that I can be here for you. No one else is ever here for me, so I'm glad you are."
"And I always will be," Toris vowed.
.
July 10, 2014, Pella, Iowa
Feliks was breathing heavily, having ran away as fast as he could. He needed to silence his breaths, or he would be found. That would be bad. He didn't want Stuart to find him. That would only mean more pain for him. This was not good. It was not good at all.
Heavy footsteps resounded around the house as Stuart looked for his stepson. And with the closer the footfalls got, the more nervous Feliks became. After all, this had been going on for years, but no one had ever done anything or believed Feliks when he tried to tell them. Everyone said he was just making it up and that Stuart would never do such things to his own child. That was right, he wouldn't to his child. But Feliks wasn't his biological child. Feliks didn't even have the same last name as the rest of his family because he refused to let Stuart adopt him.
"Found you," Stuart said, opening the door to the closet that Feliks was hiding in. He picked the young adult up and threw him over his shoulder. "You're coming with me."
"Please! Put me down! I'll do anything!" Feliks begged. He really didn't want to spend any more "quality time" with his stepfather. "Just please put me down!" Tears streamed down his face as he was carried into the bedroom and thrown onto the bed. "Please! Don't touch me!"
"Feliks, you lost that right when you ran from me," Stuart told him, a menacing smile on his face. "You should know better by now." He flipped Feliks onto his stomach and began messing with his pants.
The boy struggled against him, but it was all over too late. He was left in pain and feeling hopeless and ashamed of himself. The same as he always did when this happened. As he cried on the bed, he thought of ways to get back at Stuart, but he could only think of one.
As Stuart sat in the living room, Feliks shouted up in the bathroom about something, luring him up there. And when Stuart entered, it was quick and clean, one bullet to the head.
Feliks fell to the floor, relieved. His hands were shaking as he dropped the gun. His ears were ringing from the sound in such a small, enclosed space. But he was sure the abuse was going to end there. Now, what to do with the body?
.
Early September, 2015, Fort Madison, Iowa
Feliks's eyes flew open as he woke in the middle of the night from the memory. He found himself on his bunk above Toris's. He wasn't in his home back in Pella. He was here. He was safe. He was an inmate.
His eyes filled up with tears at the horrible memory that had come to him in his sleep. He tugged at his hair, wondering why the word had to be such a cruel place. "It's not fair," he kept whispering to himself. "It's just not fair."
"Feliks?" he heard Toris ask from his bunk. "Are you okay?" Though Toris sounded half-asleep, his concern seemed genuine. "Do you need to talk?"
"You're sleeping, Toris," Feliks sighed.
"Am not," he softly said. "Now come down here and talk to me. You're crying. I know that much. Now, what are you crying about?"
Feliks got off of the top bunk and went down to Toris's bunk, lying next to him. Though Toris's eyes were closed, he could tell that his cell mate was at least somewhat awake. "I dreamed about my stepdad again," he softly said.
"What about him?" Toris asked, opening his eyes and rolling over to face Feliks.
"I dreamed of the things he used to do to me," Feliks softly said, averting his eyes from Toris's. He rolled over so his back was facing the brunet. "Those terrible, unspeakable thing. And then I dreamed of the day that I killed him…"
"Feliks…" Toris softly said. Not knowing what else to do, he hugged Feliks from behind, spooning him in the process. "I'm so sorry that you're going through that right now. That must be terrible to remember something so awful…"
"It really is," Feliks tearfully replied. "It's not fair that I'm stuck with the memories of what he did to me while that bastard is resting peacefully in the ground. I hope he's in hell. I hope the bastard is burning in hell!"
The brunet comfortingly shushed his roommate. "It's okay, Feliks," he softly said. "He'll never touch you again. He'll never do those things to you again." Though he didn't know what those things were, he could only imagine that they were horrific. "Never."
"Toris?" Feliks quietly said.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I love you," Feliks said, turning to him. "I really do. I have for awhile now. You are always here for me, and there is no way I couldn't have fallen for you."
"I understand," Toris softly said, feeling oddly proud at Feliks's words. He took pride in knowing that Feliks loved him.
"Now if only you could just love me back."
Toris was quiet for a moment. "If I kissed you, would you feel better?" he quietly asked.
Feliks was stunned for a moment. Did Toris really just say that? "If you what?"
"If I kissed you," Toris started again, "would you feel better?"
"I...I don't know," Feliks honestly answered. "But I guess it's worth a try." He rolled back over to find Toris gazing at him. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Why wouldn't I? I'm about to kiss you, aren't I?" Toris asked. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Feliks's, imagining the busty, blonde neighbor girl from his time in Iowa City, Amelia Jones.
Feliks kissed him back, but he sensed something off about it. "What are you imagining right now?" he asked Toris. "Because I can tell that you're not thinking of me right now. Kiss me like you're thinking of me."
Toris took a deep breath and then kissed Feliks again, imagining his loud-mouthed cell mate. He imagined Feliks in the mornings when his hair was messy before he brushed it. He imagined Feliks when he had just had a shower and his hair was still dripping wet with water. Something about those things seemed oddly sexy to Toris. He put and hand on Feliks's waist and pulled him closer.
Feliks was surprised by Toris's sudden turn-around, but welcomed it. He placed his hands on Toris's broad shoulders and accepted the kiss as Toris deepened it. There was honestly nothing he wanted more than that. He wanted Toris to love and protect him. Was that too much to ask for?
When they were done kissing, Feliks leaned his head against Toris's chest, listening to his friend's rapid heart rate. "What are you thinking about?" he softly asked. "Your heart is racing."
"I'm thinking about what to do next," Toris softly said.
"What to do next about what?"
"I'm so confused, Feliks," he answered. "I don't know what to think about anything anymore. Everything is all backwards and strange."
"How?" Feliks asked him.
"For starters, my mother now thinks I really did kill all of those people," Toris began. "She was the person who was always supposed to be on my side, no matter what. And then I also have these weird feelings forming for you, and I don't know what they are exactly. Everything is just so weird, and I have no one to talk about it to."
"You can always talk to me," Feliks answered.
"Maybe," Toris sighed. "But right now, I'm not sure what to do."
"What do you mean?" the blond asked. He wanted to get inside of Toris's head and be able to stay there. He wanted Toris to fall in love with him.
"I'm having so many conflicting feelings about so many things, but right now I don't know what to do," the brunet answered.
"What do you want to do right at this moment?" Feliks asked.
"Kiss you."
"Then do it," Feliks answered before kissing him again, passionately. He wanted Toris to feel his love and know that he was always going to be there for him. After all, if they didn't have each other, they didn't have anything.
.
Toris woke up the next morning with Feliks cuddled close to him. He didn't exactly know what to think, but he liked it for the most part. He wanted Feliks close to him. Did that make him gay? Did that mean he liked men? He was so confused and couldn't wait to talk with Dr. Adnan again to try and sort things out. After all, those things remained confidential.
He looked to Feliks and smiled, glad to have someone like him to sleep next to. His arm snaked it's way across his cell mate's torso as the blond's chest fell up and down as he slept. Toris couldn't remember a time when Feliks had looked so peaceful.
Feliks began to stir in his sleep and his eyes fluttered open. "Toris?" he asked, looking over at him. "Was last night just a dream? Or was it really real?"
"What part of it?"
"The part where we made out almost all night," Feliks whispered. "Was that just me, or did it really happen?"
Toris then kissed Feliks, softly at first, and then a little more passionately. As he pulled away, he smiled. "Well, what do you think?"
And for the first time in over a year, Feliks finally remembered what love felt like.