4
Alexandra Moltke voice-over: "There has been a séance at the great house at Collinwood and one of their own has vanished. Captured by forces she does not understand, Victoria Winters has been thrust back through time and... say, is this a rerun or something? I'm sure I've read this before."
Dan Curtis addendum: "Just read the card!"
Finding herself lost on the grounds of the estate from a patch of woods she didn't know, Victoria Winters pushed through a bit disoriented past the bushes and low tree limbs of Collinwood. She was a bit disoriented as she recalled the séance in the drawing room, but now her mind turned to where she was now. She recognized the main house from afar, but it seemed somehow different, almost newer and the trees lining the front of it seemed smaller. They were mere saplings compared to how she knew them.
"I don't understand what's going on here." She mumbled to herself then paused. "Now if I had a quarter for every time I said that!"
She heard a rustling in the trees before her. Someone was coming to meet her. She backed to the oak tree behind her as she waited in fear of the person coming toward her. Someone was coming toward her. "Please don't be Jason Voorhees…" It was a large robust man in dark clothes with a velvet-lined cap followed by another man with a fur cap and heavy wool coat.
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Winters." Count Andreas Petofi stood with Aristede by his side. "We've been waiting for you."
"Oh god, no!" Victoria turned and screamed to the sky. "Why are you doing this to me?" She turned and started bawling into the tree. "Not this story line! For the love of god, not this storyline! I'd rather put up with the Leviathans than live through this plot! It just drags on forever! It never stops!" She started blubbering.
"Master," Aristede turned to Petofi. "May I torture her now?"
"Oh, believe me..." Vicki stammered through her tears. "I'm being tortured!"
Kathryn Leigh Scott voice-over: "Collinwood in 1975, there has been a séance at the great house at Collinwood and one of their own has vanished. Captured by forces she does not understand, Victoria… What? The episode already started? It's five minutes in? Crap and a half, I knew I should have changed faster. I never get to do these…"
In the drawing room, the family was standing around confused around the table in the drawing room. Quentin and Barnabas looked for Vicki under the table in case she had fainted. Willie was opening drawers and cabinets in case she had been shrunk or stuffed inside one of them. Julia looked at him and shook her head in denial rather than set him straight. Roger stood perplexed with his arms crossed. Liz and Maggie watched as Carolyn jumped and danced around the room singing to herself. She was an only child again!
"Vicki's gone!" Maggie stood up and stared to the empty chair.
"She's gone alright." Barnabas placed his hands to the table. "Now, let's go again and send Angelique to join her."
"Barnabas," Liz reacted with concern. "We've got to get her back!"
"Ding dong, Vicki's gone..." Carolyn was singing and dancing and jumping up and down through the room in glee. "Who is gone? My stupid sister's gone..."
"Carolyn!" Liz tried to scold her.
"It is a catchy little beat she's got..." Maggie started shaking head to the beat and snapping her fingers. "Can I have Vicki's clothes? I mean – I'm going to have to take them in at the ass…"
"There will be enough of that!" Liz glared to Maggie. Julia stood in alarm and walked around Quentin deep in thought. He noticed a piece of paper floating down from the chandelier.
"You know..." Julia narrowed her eyes as she tried to be provoking. "If you take into account the time since the last séance, the position of the stars, the length of the séance and the number of people present, I'd say she went back to 1897."
"That's an incredible assumption, Julia." Roger folded his arms. "How did you get that figure?"
"Oh, just a guess..." Julia proudly grinned at herself.
"What about this note that Sara's ghost left us saying that she was in 1897?" Quentin poked a hole in her ego.
"Well," Julia shot him a look. "That helped me a little."
"1897!" Angelique placed her hand to her heart. "Wasn't there a vampire attack in that year?"
Everyone turned his or her heads to Barnabas silently listening. He glanced up to Maggie then Carolyn, Roger, Liz and then to everyone else.
"Why is everyone looking at me for?" He responded quite offended. "It's not like I was there."
"Well, let's see..." Angelique sat down devotingly next to him on the sofa. "Let's just remember how many candles were on your last birthday cake!"
"Well," Barnabas looked back at her. "How about your birthday cake last month which turned out to be a fire hazard!"
"Ick, vampires..." Carolyn slipped through the discussion. "They're just so toothy. I mean, have you seen the actresses who play vampires in the movies?" She sat down in the chair and bounced her leg with a bit of sass. "They all look prim and proper when they're normal and then they become vampires and they get big hair, big breasts, perfect little Jennifer Lopez asses..." She started listening to herself and slowly broke a little smile. "Barnabas, are you absolutely, positively sure you're not a vampire?" She leaned over and placed her hand on his knee as Angelique watched jealously.
"Carolyn," He started as Angelique jealously removed Carolyn's hand. "I can assure you, I may be a lot a things, but vampire is definitely not one of them."
"Neither is a devoted husband or lover." Angelique mumbled under her breath as she stroked her hair.
"I've got one question." Willie stood near the doors. "How much damage can Vicki do in 1895?"
Eighty years to the past, Victoria had been abducted by Petofi and Aristede and chained to a table by her hands and legs. At first, Petofi wanted her secret to traveling through time, but through the time of his interrogating her, he had drifted quite a bit off subject.
"Who's President of the United States in 1975?" He asked her. "Will the Lakers win the World Series? Will I really get a cramp if I go in the pool before five minutes are over?" He picked up a manuscript. "This is my manuscript; do you think its good enough to be made into a movie?"
"No, no, no, no, no!" Vicki screamed. "No more questions!" Petofi looked down upon her from behind his thick glasses.
"You will tell me all I want to know and more." He turned away to Aristede. "I have other things to do. I must get my snacks before "Big Bang Theory" starts; I need to know if Penny and Leonard get back together." He looked back to Vicki temporarily. "Aristede, you have the helm."
"Yes, master…" Aristede turned back to Victoria as his twisted master exited to the next room. The far away sounds of a TV came on from a far room. Vicki looked up from the table from which she was chained as a huge blade swung side-by-side over her and gradually worked it's way down. She felt like she was in a Hammer Studio movie with Vincent Price! Aristede grinned at his new toy as Victoria was about to become the late Victoria Winters Stoddard.
"Aristede..." She pleaded for her life. "Please! Let's talk about this!"
"Okay, my Cheese Cake-scented goddess…" He stopped his Poe-like torture device. "I can split you across the waist or from your head down to your..." He stared down her chest pointing straight up with a wry grin as she listened. "You'd be your own best friend, or... You could go out with me?" He grinned his best grin as he started combing and straightening his hair.
"Start the blade again." She rolled her eyes away and gritted her teeth to await the pain.
"Why do you ladies always choose death?" He reached to start it swinging again.
"Wait!" Vicki screamed. "Well, maybe we could find a dark restaurant..." She looked at him again. He looked a troll doll with a Beatles haircut. "A VERY dark restaurant and then we could..." Her voice continued lowering until it was inaudible.
"What? What? I can't hear you." He leaned down to hear her whispering. She started describing things in his ear as he grinned ear to ear. "Oh, Miss Winters-Stoddard, you're a bad girl. A very BAD girl... Are you nibbling at my ear? No girl has ever..." His heart began pounding a bit faster than he could handle and his eyes rolled back as his heart gave out from the excitement.
"Men..." Vicki squeezed her hands out of her shackles. "Their brains are in their boxers... and they can't lock a decent handcuff either."