Taking time out of my oh-so busy schedule to write you another chapter. This one probably won't be as funny because college has sucked the soul out of me, but I'll certainly try my darnedest. Adopts cute expression, making onlookers go 'awwww' This is a Mary Sue story, with a blatant self-insertion. But unlike other self-insertions, which are perfect and flawless, I will be different. I mean, I'll still make myself incredibly beautiful, flips hair but… well, you'll see.
Warning: This contains HP6 spoilers.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Warning #2: Unlike the previous two chapters, I don't dislike this horribly unlikely plot device. In fact, I love it. Self-insertion Mary Sues are what it's all about! For more information, check my profile, or if you don't want to read my half-crazed ramblings about Mary Sues then just go to my C2. So I guess this isn't really a warning but more of a – well, I don't know what this is.
Warning #3: School is stressing me out. I don't know anyone in my music class, I'm reverting to my drawing-stupid-pictures-in-maths routine, and I hate my art teacher. So if there is any untoward tension or random outbreaks of anger in this chapter, you can blame my stupid school.
Chapter Three: The New Girl (or other incredibly original title)
Summary: Lyk ohmiGAWD, this chyk goez 2 lyk HOGWARTS or sumthn and meetz dem ppl in de books u no yeh u no right right am I right u no hu they r right? OK JUST REVIEW ME MMK YOU EVIL PIECES OF SCUM FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOE, I DESPISE YOU FREAKS AND ALL THAT YOU EMBODY – ahem. Just read it.
Dumbledore sat in his office, almost tearing his hair out. "So many transfer students!" He cried, reading over the enrolments list.
"How so, Albus?" asked Professor McGonagall, who had just popped in for a cup of tea and a scone. She sure loved scones, that McGonagall. What a character.
"This year, we have four hundred and twelve transfer students. Almost all of them are American. What is this rubbish? Do they only have one magical school in America?" He cried, standing from his desk and gazing out the window at the setting sun.
McGonagall thought for a moment, nibbling on a scone. It was delicious, in case anyone was wondering. "You know," she said slowly, "I really can't think of an intelligent reply to that."
At that moment, the door opened and the author popped her head around it. "You're on in five. Dumbledore, what are you doing? Why haven't you gotten into your senile old man character yet?"
Dumbledore sighed and crossed his eyes. "Oogly woogly dustbin," he said dully.
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Justa few minutes later, Dumbledore was standing in front of the entire school wearing a raincoat and a pair of plus-fours. "We have a new student this year! Please make her welcome!"
A girl walked into the hall, making the students mutter about her. For no apparent reason other than they just like to mutter about people.
"Wow, Harry," said Ron, watching her walk past with a sparkle in his eye, "That girl is sure nice-looking. I think I'm in love!"
"Ronald!" Squealed Hermione, again using a name she had never used before in her life, "I bet she's really mean. Usually I wouldn't judge a person on appearance alone, but I think I'll hate her for no apparent reason other than the fact that she's mildly threatening to my chances with Ronald and Harold."
"Oh, Hermione, you're just jealous," Harry brushed her off, gazing at the new girl. She sure was beautiful. She had short, reddish purple hair and the standard Curves In All The Right Places™. "I wouldn't mind a roll in the hay with her."
The sorting hat sat upon her beautiful head, wondering where it should put her. She had the loyalty of a Hufflepuff, the intelligence of a Ravenclaw, the bravery of a Gryffindor and the ambition of a Slytherin. Finally, the hat decided that the best chances of a Clichéd Pairing™ were if she was placed in Gryffindor, and thus shouted it out to the hall at large.
"Wow!" Ron said, getting all excited. "She's in Gryffindor! This will certainly give us lots of opportunities for Accidental Shower Viewings™, a Clichéd Kiss In The Common Room™ and finally, a Misunderstanding Which Creates Some Superficial 'Problems' In The Relationship™!"
"You're perfect," Harry said unintentionally as the girl walked over to the table. "I'm Harry. Harry Potter. Want to make out with a famous person?"
"What? I'm Elle," said the girl, apparently unnoticing of Harry's makeout offer, or of Ron's desperate attempts to get her attention, first by dancing, then by twirling plates on long sticks, then finally by taking off all his clothes and spinning like a top. "And I'm not perfect."
"What? Yes you are! You're beautiful!" Cried Ron. "And it is a well-known fact that only physical appearances count!"
"Ha!" Laughed Elle, clutching her knees from mirth. "I wish! I'm clumsy and awkward, and I have trouble getting words from my brain to my mouth in one piece!"
"That's okay!" said Harry earnestly. "We still think you're beautiful! Just try not to talk around us."
"And my nose is too big," Elle considered, putting a hand to her face. "And sometimes I snort when I laugh."
"Wow, she's right," Hermione said, leaning closer. "You do have a massive conk."
Could it be? A self-insertion with – can we say this in a Mary Sue story? Flaws?
Unfortunately, someone realised that Elle was a character with some vague depth, and she had to go away. She was never heard from again. But that was okay, because another new character was introduced! Her name was The Beautiful and Intelligent Princess Cecilia Drindeworth Parsley Gbdfa Nylon Handlebars Kerosene the Third, and she was, as her name would suggest, Beautiful and Intelligent™. And a princess. And an American™. And an anamigus. Actually, she was some weirdo form of anamigus which meant she could transform into any animal she pleased. She could talk to animals too. And control the weather. And the elements. And I mean the four elements, not the ones on the periodic table. 'Cause it'd be pretty lame to be able to control things like Boron or Krypton. Unless you were a scientist or something and your work depended on it. Then it'd be pretty useful.
Wait, what?
What the hell? Why did I just write that?
Um… so anyway, this Princess was so magical she was more powerful than Voldemort and Dumbledore combined, but just didn't know it yet. Actually, nobody knew. Nobody… except Dumbledore. He knew. Oh, yes he did. Because he just knows stuff. It was his task to hone her super-awesome skills into a force for good, which would rid the world of evil in all its forms and be back in time for tea. And hone he did, with The Beautiful and Intelligent Princess Cecilia Drindeworth Parsley Gbdfa Nylon Handlebars Kerosene the Third. But he was sure not to hone her too much, as everyone knows over-honing can lead to gum disease. Let this be a warning to you all, kids. DON'T OVER-HONE YOUR BEAUTIFUL AND INTELLIGENT FORCE FOR GOOD.
One night, Cecilia was taking a shower in an unspecified part of the castle, when... disaster struck! HARRY WALKED IN AND SAW HER WITHOUT HER CLOTHES! I know, wow. "This is awkward!" Harry said, but for some reason did not leave the bathroom like a normal person would.
"It certainly is!" replied Cecilia, for some reason not covering herself likea normal person would.
"What an awkward moment in the girl's showers! Wait, what am I doing here again?"
"Plot device," Cecilia replied shortly, and that was that.
A few nights later, Cecilia had just returned from a particularly gruelling (but not too gruelling) lesson with good old Dumbles, who had forgotten who she was and tried to kill her four times. Good thing she was more powerful than Voldemort and Dumbledore combined! She flopped gracefully into a chair in the Gryffindor common room, breathing deeply out of fatigue and also melancholy. Melancholy at her horrible past. The past that she would rather forget. The past that we'll be flashing back to.
Cecilia was wandering the halls of her parents' castle. Her parents were, of course, the King and Queen of some place or other, and thus had a castle. This castle was huge. And I mean huge. It was almost bigger than whatever place they reigned over. Cecilia contemplated this as she walked into a random room and saw her parents, lying dead on the rug.
"NO!" She cried, rushing over. "This is a Persian rug! PERSIAN!" She quickly kicked her dead parents out of the way to assess the damage. There were two large bloodstains on the carpet but they looked fresh. If she got the rug-cleaner-guy onto it immediately, it wouldn't stain too much. She breathed a sigh of relief. "This carpet may be saved after all," she said, tears of joy forming in her beautiful eyes. "Wait on – my parents are dead! Oh well."
The cleaner couldn't get the stains out. To Cecilia's horror, the rug stayed ruined and it would haunt her for the rest of her life. Every night she dreamt of that rug, and every waking moment was spent wondering what could have been. She was full of Teenage Angst™, but not the regular kind. This was the kind of Teenage Angst™ the beautiful people got. Uglies got a different kind.
She was so immersed in her flashback that she didn't notice the one, the only, Harry Potter! He was sitting in the chair next to hers and watching her stare off into space intently.
"Good evening, Harry Potter," she said, flipping her hair around her face so much it caused a slight cyclone. "I hear tonight is a good night for Clichéd Smoochies In The Common Room™."
"Me too," Harry replied, very much wanting some Clichéd Smoochies™ with Princess Cecilia. "Let us have smoochies."
"Oh yes, let's," replied Cecilia. Harry only had a moment to wonder why they were talking in such a stilted manner before being whisked away by Cecilia for some Clichéd Smoochies™. They had a Misunderstanding Which Creates Some Superficial 'Problems' In The Relationship™, but it was okay. They worked it out. I'm serious, they did. Cecilia was gravitating towards Malfoy for a moment there but it was okay, as Harry gently reminded her that Clichéd Smoochies™ didn't work unless she was there for him to have smoochies with. And it was a good thing she stayed on the good side too, with all that magical power!
So yeah she killed Voldemort or something, then they lived happily ever after. The end.
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Well, I don't think this was very good (I'm writing this when I should be in bed and the only funny bits were when I went into a half-asleep stupor, rambling on about nothing) but I hope at least some of you got some enjoyment out of you. It. Enjoyment out of IT. Now it's bed time for me, as I have an early morning tomorrow and I want to be all rested for when I fuck up music.