The Hueco Mundo Gazette—May 31

Exclusive Excerpt from Barragan's Autobiography!

Segunda Espada Barragan Luisenbarn's autobiography, The Autobiography of the World's Most Sucessful King, has sold exactly eight of the four million copies in print. Here today is Sun-Sun, coming to present you with an excerpt of the autobiography, so that hopefully three million nine hundred and ninety-two thousand collections of paper will not go to waste. We now present an excerpt of Chapter Two—"My Rise to King—Barragan's Past".

Excerpt

My rise to King was not easy. We had just managed to shake the evil flying monkeys off. Darn, those monkeys were persistent. If it had not been for my side-kick, Bob Barr (Who later left me to try to become some sort of "President" of the "Untied States") those primates just might have overwhelmed me.

After the monkeys, our journey got even tougher. The evil Wicked Witch of the Sparkly Slippers herself came after us, and not even Bob was able to stop her. The Witch took me captive and left Bob to die. I was taken and imprisoned, but I would NOT give up! I would not let my friendly Libertarian ally suffer! I broke out of the tower, slayed the evil Badger of Doom, and managed to find and save Bob right as he was on the brink of constipation.

After that, we wandered aimlessly around the desert until my hollow instincts took over, and I tried to eat Bob. This is where we parted ways. That politician just couldn't get over the fact that I had tried to suck his soul out. Wimp.

So there I was, left with no Gillians to pick on, no food, no chocolate, and no friendly politician to swap racist jokes with. This is where my rise to Kingmanship began.

-End of excerpt

To read more about Barragan's stunning past, his rises to royalty, and the perilous monkey-hybrids he was put up against, buy a copy for $50 at the Arrancar Book Co. today!

NOTE: Lord Barragan has asked us to personally thank his seven buyers for purchasing a copy of his autobiography—Ggio Vega, Charlotte Cuulhourne, Avirama Redder, Findor Carias, Choe Neng Poww, and that other fat guy (who were all forced to buy one, being his fraccion) and also the wonderful Kaname Tosen, who to this day loves to freak Barragan out by quoting bits of his book to him, which he can remarkably read. The other copy belongs to Barragan himself.

Article by Sun-Sun, Journalist, The Hueco Mundo Gazette

Pairings—What the Espada Think

One of the most popular subjects of the day is pairings, or who would end up with whom. Today, the mysterious Gin Ichimaru, head of the HMG, would like to present you with two exclusive interviews with the Espada discussing pairings.

Discussion #1—Grimmjow

Gin—Hello, Grimmjow. Are you ready to discuss the issue of pairings?

Grimmjow—Oh, ready as I'll ever be…

Gin—So, Grimmjow, what do you think of pairings?

Grimmjow—Eh, they're all right. I mean, I like some pairings, but I mainly like Bleach for the fighting.

Gin—So which pairings do you like?

Grimmjow—Any pairings involving me, of course—

Gin—Even yaoi?

Grimmjow—NO, not any yaoi.

Gin—Give me some examples of pairings you like.

Grimmjow—Well, Grimmjow-Nel is okay, even though she was an Espada before my time. Grimmjow-any girl is fine with me, as I said before.

Gin—What about Grimmjow-Hillary Clinton?

Grimmjow—HILLARY CLINTON? You mean that old human lady who's married to Bill Clinton? No way!

Gin—Well, you said "Any girl is fine"

Grimmjow—Yeah, I said any GIRL, not any old lady!

Gin—I'm sure Hillary wouldn't like hearing that.

Grimmjow—Oh, screw Hillary! I'm outta here!

Gin—TTFN, Grimmjow!

Discussion #2—Harribel

Gin—Hi, Harribel. How's it going?

Harribel—Fine.

Gin—What's your opinion of pairings?

Harribel—I think they're fine to hope for, as long as you understand that they're not going to happen.

Gin—Oh really? You think they aren't going to happen?

Harribel—No, not really.

Gin—So, are you in favor of any pairings?

Harribel—No.

Gin—Well, that's boring.

Harribel—Later, Gin.

Gin—Hey, don't go! We aren't finished!

Author's note

And so, I, Gin Ichimaru, have concluded that Espada are NOT in favor of pairings, and like fighting instead. I have also concluded that the Espada will NOT be voting for Hillary Clinton in the next Presidential Election.

Welcome to Our New Numeros!

Aizen-sama has created his second Arrancar with the hogyoku, and we'd like for you to get to know him/her! Take a look at their interest survey and see if you have anything in common!

Name: Harry Potter

Zanpakuto: Zanpakuto?

Release Command: Er…Expelliarmus?

Gender: Male

Rank: Um…Sixth Year, I guess

I enjoy…: Killing dark wizards

Message to the Arrancar: Just get me the heck out of here! Where am I? Did Hogwarts get renovated or something? And why the heck did somebody replace my wand with this metal stick? IS THAT MALFOY OVER THERE?

Make sure to stop by and say, "Hi!" to our new Numeros!

Author's Note

Gah, sorry for the short chapter. I liked this one, it was fun to write. Maybe I'll include some more from Barragan's autobiography, that was pretty interesting, right? Maybe you could buy it! No? Okay.

I just HAD to throw in that part about Harry Potter-Yet another fun piece of writing for me.

Also, guess what just happened? I just updated exactly 10 hours after my last update! Woo! Congrats to me! Next issue will include a "Get to Know the Journalists!" segment, a tour of Ulquiorra's room, and some advertisements. If you guys have anything in particular you want me to advertise for, even your own fanfictions, I'll be glad to.

Okay, since NOBODY guessed the TV show that the Cotton/Polyester debate was from, I'll give it away. Seinfeld. That show is AWESOME, watch it sometime!

Later,

Potterwatcher