Note: I am not by any means atheist. In fact I chose my own religion (LDS/Mormon) for Karen to rip off so keep that in mind before leaving me reviews calling me a religion mocking atheist. Also if you love Karen, I am sorry to disappoint you but I'll never write a positive Karen story so don't waste your time reading my stories.

Chapter 4

Educational Television

Mommy had said I was getting all of my ideas from television and I guess she was right. The documentary I watched while Claudia snoozed away on the couch gave me my best ideas yet.

It was about a man named Joseph Smith who made his own church. He sounded a little crazy if you ask me. He tried all the churches out in town and then after he decided he did not like any of them he made his own. He claimed he saw angels and Jesus and ghosts in a forest near his house and in his bedroom. He also wrote his own special book for his church and made everybody read it. He made it out of some gold plates he dug up in his backyard. Actually he sounded a lot like me, the wonderful Karen Brewer. He was crafty and knew how to take charge. Those are both things I do very well. I deserve to have angels in my house and Jesus in the forest and a gold book buried in my backyard too. Why did that jerk get to have those things? He was just a dumb boy like Sam and Charlie.

I kept watching the show though. After old Joe got knocked off by some killers, his church got bigger and now millions of people belong to it. They have lots of big temples which are like fancy castles. I deserved to have one of those and followers all over the world.

I was gigundoly mad though that he had come up with the idea for this church first. It should have been my idea. Instead of being called Mormons and having a Book of Mormon and Bible, I would call my followers Karenites and they would read the book of Karen. Instead of the church being named The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I would call it The Church of Loyal Worshippers of Karen Brewer. Instead of using the money that people paid for tithing to build church buildings and temples for members to worship in or to help poor people out, I would use it to buy myself a beautiful castle full of toys.

I turned off the television when the show was over and got out a sheet of paper and a big box of crayons. I took out a black crayon and began to write. When I was finished my paper looked like this:

Karen's Religion Plan

Make a list of churches that are close enough to the little house for me to reach on my bicycle.

Visit all of these churches on Sunday mornings without Mommy or Seth finding out.

Decide which of the churches that I like the best.

Convert to new religion and rebelliously attend no matter what Mommy says.

If I like none of the churches proceed to alternate plan.

Alternate Plan

Form my own church: The Church of Loyal Worshippers of Karen Brewer

Write my own special book telling followers how they can best worship me called The Bible of Karenity.

Kick Andrew out of using the playhouse in the backyard and throw away his toys he stores in there.

Convert the playhouse into my church building.

Advertise my church around the neighborhood. Maybe Claudia can help make fliers next time she baby-sits me.

Charge neighbors money to attend my church.

Get rich and be worshipped like the goddess I am.

Laugh at my parents because I have won against them and their no religion craziness.

I smiled happily. It looked like pretty good list and set of plans to me. I glanced at Claudia but she was still asleep. I did not really care that she was asleep. After all I do not need a babysitter but I noticed that the clock said 8:45 and that meant my family would be home soon. If they come home and found me up past my bedtime and Claudia sleeping, we would both be in trouble. I did not want to get in trouble again.

I shook Claudia gently by the shoulder, "Hey Claudia, it is almost time for my mommy and Seth to come home. You will have to wake up now."

Claudia sat up abruptly, "Oh my lord! I cannot believe I have been asleep when I was supposed to be watching you. I am so sorry Karen. I do not know what I will tell your mommy."

I had an idea, "Do not worry, Claudia. I am supposed to be in bed right now and I was supposed to be banned from television for lying to my daddy. If you do not tell my mommy that I was up late and that I watched television, I will not tell her that you fell asleep on the job."

"Thank you so much, Karen. You are the best kid a sitter could ask for." Claudia hugged me in her gratitude. I hugged her back but I did not really want to.

I ran upstairs to my bedroom while Claudia straightened up the living room. I hid my list inside a Bobbsey Twins book that was sitting on my desk. I did not want Mommy to find my list and deter me from reaching my goals. I had learned one lesson from my Club G escapade and it was to be as secretive as possible. Otherwise the grown-ups would stop you from achieving your goals and getting what you deserved. I was not going to be foiled again.

I turned off my bedroom light and pulled my desk chair up to the window so I could watch for my family to get home. I was going to eavesdrop on Claudia and make sure she did not blow my cover. Otherwise I was going to run downstairs, beat her up and blow her cover.

At 9:07, my little house family pulled into the driveway. I slipped out of my room into the hallway and crouched in a spot right at the top of the stairs. That way I could spy easily.

My family walked in. Seth was carrying Andrew who was sleeping like the baby brat he is. Claudia came to the front door to greet them.

Seth said, "Hi Claudia. I will give you a ride home if you need one."

"How was Karen tonight?" Mommy asked her.

Claudia flashed a big smile, "Oh Karen was just fine, Mrs. Engle. We ate dinner. She colored in her coloring books and then she went to bed at eight."

Mommy looked relieved, "Very good."

Seth handed Andrew to Mommy, "Ready to go Claudia?"

"I sure am, Mr. Engle." Claudia answered.

Seth took out his wallet and handed Claudia some money. Then they went out the front door. I scurried back to my room and jumped into my bed before Mommy headed upstairs with Andrew. I needed to get some sleep anyway. Tomorrow was Sunday and I needed all the energy I could get for exploring churches. I was gigundoly excited.