Murder with a Side of Lies

by Sky's Penname

A monster murdering another monster is unheard of. Yet that's the case that the Great Detective Papyrus and his tough-as-nails sidekick, Undyne, have to solve! And with a famous (and fabulous) prosecutor already determined to get his guilty verdict, Papyrus finds that not only does his new case take him towards investigating the rainy streets... but straight into the courtroom!

4. A Dame a Dozen

After another round of honorable flexing, Aaron appeared to be quite content. The audience settled, the judge snoozed, and the prosecutor posed. Of course, this is the norm for court cases, so I don't really need to be telling you this, do I, notepad?

Sans yawned. "court's in session."

Despite an unhappy reunion with some old pals, Undyne refused to let it get her down. Arms crossed, lips splayed in a fang-filled grin, confidence swelled in her chest and burst into mine.

Well… that was how we felt at the time at least. I wish I could say we never lost that feeling.

"You dorky detectives proud of yourselves, hm?" Mettaton mused.

Undyne let out a hearty laugh. "Of course! We can take on anything you throw at us!"

A noise which could only be described as pure pleasure passed through the prosecutor's pipes. "Oh my, I do so hope that's true, but alas, I fear otherwise!"

At the time, we had simply waved him off. While I always respected and looked up to Mettaton as a great performer, Undyne and I had an unbreakable bond of friendship! Just what could he possibly do to slow us down?

"Darling, darling, don't be shy, you can come out now!" Mettaton murmured, motioning mildly.

"I-I-I'm coming, s-s-sorry."

Undyne recognized that stutter instantly. Her confidence shattered.

"H-h-hi Undyne…" Alphys mumbled, attempting to make eye contact but only managing to stare at her yellow feet. "S-sorry."

I certainly wasn't ready for that either! Alphys wore her usual purple and black overalls filled to the brim with Mettaton flair. Although, something was off since I had last seen her. Her scales were paler than I remembered, like something had drained the color right out. Even when no one spoke, she winced in pain, rubbing her temples.

"Now now, don't apologize, darling!" Mettaton cooed. "Please, do tell the court your name and occupation!"

The scientist appeared as if she had to think on this one. "I-I-I'm Dr. Alphys," she stuttered. Much like Undyne, Alphys had a vice of her own. Unable to handle the pressure, she dug out a small box of candy sticks labeled 'Pocky' from her pockets, placing one of the chocolate sticks in her mouth. "I-I'm a scientist, obviously. I c-c-created Mettaton and he was k-k-kind enough to give me a job when he became a s-s-star."

"Yes! And it's a fabulous job, isn't it? Could you ever ask for more?" Mettaton added, bathing in Alphys' praise. "Tell the people how much you love it!"

Another wince. She held her eyes closed tight for a moment, shaking her head as if she were dizzy. "I-I do love it, y-yes…"

"Objection!" Undyne roared, slamming a fist into our desk. The outburst startled Alphys, causing her to sporadically eat her candy even faster. "Don't force Alphys to praise you!"

"I-i-it's all right, Undyne, really," she tried to say, but no one was listening.

"Forcing praise? Me?" With a dignified twirl the rascally robot faced his audience. "How can I force anyone to love me when they already do?" He held out his arms and basked in their uproarious applause. I had to try my darndest not to join in! It looked like so much fun! But Undyne would probably get mad if I did.

A vein pulsed across my fishy friend's forehead, threatening to burst! Scary! Splinters of wood exploded in every direction as she pounded her fist harder and harder into the desk. "You worthless trash bin! You're completely blinded by that fat ego of yours! You don't care how she feels at all!"

I frowned. Ironically, it seems I was the only one paying attention to Alphys at this point. The poor girl wanted to be anywhere else but in the middle of this. "G-g-guys…"

Another wagging finger as Mettaton reflected the insults away effortlessly. "Hmm? Some nerve calling me a trash bin when you still have spaghetti stuck to your hair." He laughed. "Or is that just your natural hair color? Week-old spaghetti?"

Her eyelid twitched, and her lip oozed frightening dark stuff from grinding her fangs too hard. I tried my best to soothe her rage. "UNDYNE, THAT'S NOT SO BAD! I LOVE SPAGHETTI!" That only seemed to enrage her further.

She turned her head to face me and that lone eye of hers burned brighter than a gasoline fire. For once, I found myself speechless.

Fart fart fart. PPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAART!

The room went completely silent. Mettaton's lights went out, Undyne's rage was replaced with an inexplicable confusion, and the audience was absolutely dazed.

"heh, good ol' whoopee cushion," Sans laughed contently, holding his gavel above the rubber toy. "i don't want this trial turning into a big 'ol stinker, (heh) ok, fellas? how about we let alphys speak instead of fighting over her."

Normally, I'd be incredibly angry at my brother for being so childish! But, that was incredibly effective! Even I couldn't get control over Undyne! Her fiery hatred was doused once she saw her girlfriend gnawing down those candy sticks faster than a beaver hyped up on coffee.

Of course, this didn't mean Undyne was going to apologize any time soon! "Yeah. You're right," she said solemnly, crossing her arms.

"GREAT JOB, YOUR MAJESTY!" I gave a thumbs-up to my bro, who in turn got me a wink back.

"Your Honor," Undyne corrected.

"HONORABLE, YOU MEAN. I AM HONORABLE, YES I AGREE!"

"No, I mean – ngah, forget it." She sighed. "Let's just get this over with."

"Agreed." The boxy bot bowed brilliantly. "Alphys, darling, if you could tell us what you know?"

Alphys let out a startled 'meep' once the attention was finally back on her, scattering her precious candy sticks across the floor. "O-oh, yes. Of c-c-course!" She pulled out a piece of paper with a big-headed big-eyed human on the top corner. "I-I did an analysis on the d-d-dust once the dogi brought it to me last night. According to my t-t-tests, Burgerpants' estimated time of death should be very close to 8:30 PM."

"HOLD IT!" I shouted, causing Alphys to jump in shock and scramble for her paper. "WOULD YOU MIND TELLING US HOW YOUR TESTS CAME TO THIS CONCLUSION MS. ALPHYS?"

Gasps and wheezes blew out of her lungs as she attempted to correct her breathing. "Y-y-yes. R-r-right."

Undyne was concerned. "Hey, Pap, mind trying not to yell so much? She looks a bit more nervous than usual."

I nodded. I'd try my best at least?!

Deep breaths. Alphys nodded to herself and continued, "T-t-to put it simply, I test the dust's t-t-t-temperature. Based on how warm or cold it is; I can p-p-pretty much accurately find out the monster's time of death. When I received B-B-Burgerpants' dust later that night, I noticed straight away how w-w-warm it still was. He c-c-clearly had fallen down quite recently."

"INTERESTING!" I mused. Undyne glared. I coughed and tried to clear my non-existent throat. (It's very therapeutic even if I don't have one!) "Interesting. What about the rain? Wouldn't that have messed up your calculations?" Boy, I had to really really strain my voice just to keep it this low!

She shook her head. "I a-a-accounted for the rain, don't worry. Even with all that, it was still quite w-w-warm."

"To add on to that," Mettaton interrupted, tossing a handful of glamorous glitter our way. "Catty was found with the burgers and the dust of our dearly deceased at almost exactly 8:30 PM as well."

The judge was laying his skull on his arms, looking drowsy. "that's some pretty hot evidence against the defendant." Gah! Puns aside, he was right!

Another wag of the finger. "Oh, but that's not all, darlings! My sweet Alphys also witnessed the deceased's final hours!"

My eyes bulged out of their sockets at what felt like a terrible blow to our defense. Nyeh! Not that I was afraid or anything!

Alphys was positively shoveling that pocky down her throat, sweat dripping from every angle I could imagine. "Y-y-y-yes, it's t-t-t-true. I w-w-w-was at w-w-work at the time and I s-s-saw Burgerpants l-l-l-leave at 8:00 PM. H-h-he even said he was g-g-g-g-going to meet Catty."

"I can corroborate that," Mettaton chimed in. "As his wonderful boss, he gladly told me that he was going to see a friend that night! I didn't see him leave, however, but luckily I can always count on my darling Alphys!"

"HANG ON!" I yelled again, before remembering to use my quiet voice. "What's your relationship with the victim? What was his job?"

Mettaton's lights animated into a bright red exclamation mark. "Oh my, how silly of me! I should have mentioned this before! Burgerpants was a dear dear employee of mine. He worked in the fast food department of MTT studios. He absolutely loved his job and loved me with all his heart!" He placed a hand against his 'forehead' and made like he was going to faint. "Oh, my dear sweet Burgerpants! How I miss thee!"

Call me crazy, but I don't think he missed thee at all!

This was quite the evidence they had against Catty! I must admit, I was floundering a bit behind the desk. Undyne was lost in thought, however, moving her cigarette carelessly between her lips.

"Ms. Alphys," I said through strained tones. "You're sure you saw Burgerpants that night?"

Her glasses fogged up and her breathing intensified again. I wasn't even loud! That shouldn't have startled her! "Y-y-yep! 8:00 PM! For s-s-sure!" She tried to give me a confident smile, but it kind of just unnerved me.

Mettaton motioned with what appeared to be a nod. "Alphys was scheduled to work till 8:00 PM that night as well, so you can be sure she's telling the truth."

This didn't seem right! Alphys was extra nervous, even for her! Could she be lying about when she last saw Burgerpants? Why would she lie? Even if she was, how could I possibly prove it?

I looked over to Undyne for assistance. Who would know more about Alphys than her girlfriend, of course! But she remained strangely quiet, staring ahead, deep in thought again. "UNDYNE!" I whisper-yelled, breaking her out of the trance. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS?"

She frowned, unable to keep eye contact with me. "I might. But…"

"BUT WHAT? THE UNDYNE I KNOW WOULD NEVER HESITATE!"

A few blinks. Undyne kept her voice low. "I don't know. Alphys is already so stressed, you know? She looks sick with it even. I don't want to embarrass her or anything," she sighed. "Like I did with Dogamy and Dogaressa."

Ah, of course. Undyne was a fierce warrior, but she'd never hurt her friends! On purpose, that is. Well, maybe a little on purpose, but usually only with physical violence.

"CATTY IS DEPENDING ON US, THOUGH!" I argued. "WE PROMISED WE'D HELP HER! YOU DON'T WANT SOMEONE TO GET FALSELY ACCUSED IF YOU KNOW SOMETHING, RIGHT? IMAGINE IF I GAVE SOMEONE A PLATE OF SPAGHETTI AND I KNEW IT WASN'T ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS! THAT WOULD BE WRONG!"

She thought on that for a moment. "I'm not so sure about that analogy, but I guess you're right." Undyne clenched her fist. "Justice needs to be delivered." Just like my delicious spaghetti! Justghetti! Oh! I'm keeping that one!

"Tick, tock, darlings!" Mettaton mimed a watch on his hand. "Or have you finally given up?"

"We'll never give up," Undyne grinned, eye flaring with a magical light. "Alphys."

The mousy lizard flinched at that. "Y-y-yes, Undyne?"

My fishy friend calmly placed her palm down on the battered desk. "You say you saw Burgerpants leave work at 8:00 PM last night. Sunday, wasn't it?"

Pant. Wheeze. Alphys was sweating more bullets than a machine gun. "Y-y-yep! Sunday at 8:00 PM!"

"I have a hard time believing that." Undyne's eye was sharper than her spears.

Alphys laughed, but it was a high-pitched laughter. "W-w-why would you think that?"

Her words were slow. Deliberate. "Game of Bones. I know you've heard of it. It airs new episodes every Sunday at 8:00 PM."

Oh! Game of Bones! I loved that show! It was about skeletons living in medieval times, fighting for a chance to sit on the Bone Throne! The show is filled with betrayal, twists, and steamy romances! I never miss it myself.

Judging by Alphys' reaction, she appeared to be quite the fan, too! Her eyes lit up for but a moment at the mention of the name, ready to gush. "S-s-sure! I l-like Game of Bones! S-so what?"

Undyne frowned and pointed an accusing spear her way. "I watch it with you every week! You'd never miss even a second of it, no matter what!"

Wowie! What a twisting attack! But, this didn't have the effect on Alphys that I thought it would! She didn't get nervous at all! In fact, her face crinkled up in what looked to be anger.

A pocky stick in her grip crumbled to dust in her claws. "Y-yeah?! W-w-what do you know! You weren't with me t-t-this week!"

I don't think Undyne was ready for that either. The counter attack nearly knocked her off her feet, leaving her stunned. Now that I think about it, Sunday night was the time Undyne was sad and missing from work. I guess she was avoiding Alphys during that time as well.

A fit of loud clapping brought all our attentions back to Mettaton who's lights blinked with distraught. "There's a problem with your little theory, darling. First of all," he held up one finger. "Alphys would never ditch work like that!" He held up two fingers. "Second of all, why wouldn't she just record the show to watch later?"

Alphys was nodded angrily, chomping into her pocky with an aggression that could only be matched by her girlfriend. "Y-y-yeah!"

A flick of the wrist, so lax and so simple, and their attacks were deflected. Undyne's grin was wild, untamed, as if she were in the heat of real battle. "If I'm understanding correctly, you should have had no time to watch Game of Bones yet, right Alphys? You must have been working with Mettaton on those tests non-stop."

Metal screeched and hissed inside his chassis. "Of course she was working with me, darling," the words were spit out like battery acid. "Alphys is a hard worker and would do anything for me. The only shows that could possibly make her slack off would be my own!"

Alphys nodded, but her anger had tensed. Her armor cracked. Clear to all, especially Undyne. "I-I-I was planning to watch it after the trial was over!"

Mettaton's lights blinked way too brightly. His glitter-filled gloves gripped and grappled his desk with such a grievous force. "Exactly, darling, and there's no way you could prove she watched it!" He cheered and posed for the audience, but it was stiff and angry. Undyne had gotten under his plated skin.

Undyne's words were as smooth as water, as still as a light brook in the forest. "You're gonna have to try a little harder than THAT."

A short circuit. A skull and cross bones animated itself over Mettaton's body, blinking blood red. No one was supposed to outdo him! No one could steal the show from him! "You! You're just bluffing! A cheap bluff, too! No one should be falling for this amateur act!" Wowie! I think steam was literally whistling out of his body?

His words were nothing but a cool breeze to her. In fact, Undyne appeared to enjoy it. "Oh, Papyrus!" she called out politely.

Oh yeah! I'm here! Wowie, I was so enthralled in their battle, I completely forgot! "YES, UNDYNE?"

She faced me, but her eye was locked on Alphys. "Can you tell me what your favorite part of Game of Bones was last night?"

Before I could even think to speak, a shrill "S-S-stop! Spoilers!" rang out. If I had any ears, I'm sure they would be ringing after that.

Alphys fell right into Undyne's trap, and both knew it all too well. Still, neither planned to give up. Mettaton, however, was left out, and furious about that fact.

"But, I need to prove a point here, Alphys," Undyne cooed almost sarcastically. "A few spoilers to prove you're not lying in a court of law shouldn't be so bad, right?"

"yeah, considering this is a murder case and all, i'd say a few show details wouldn't spoil the case," Sans added. "i'll allow it."

Mettaton's fingers twitched and clenched at the edge of his desk, ready to throw the entire thing in a fit of anger. "Alphys, darling," his voice was spiking and crackling. "It's just some stupid show. I'm not even in it! It can't be that important!"

The pocky must have been consumed by the pound at this point. In her haste, she bit her finger on accident and screeched. "F-f-fine! I-it's just a d-d-dumb show! I-I don't care!"

I could swear that Undyne had a heroic wind blowing through her hair somehow. "Go, ahead, Papyrus! Tell us about some of your favorite scenes last night!" The wind stopped howling for a moment. "But, uh, a bit quietly please. For Alphys."

Oh boy! Well, there was so much! Where to even start? Game of Bones was one of my favorite shows!

"It was all so perfect!" I started, really trying to contain my voice. Even just those words caused Alphys to cringe, but I haven't the foggiest idea what was so wrong with that. "Tybia Boneister was great! Sure, he was small, but using his intellect and cunning, he was able to escape out of all sorts of sticky situations!"

"yeah, that guy's my favorite." Sans winked.

"Oh, and then there was Jon Bone!" I went on, remembering. "He got into some antics with a girl skeleton and she kept saying 'You know something, Jon Bone? I really like you!' Boy, was that funny!"

Alphys was breathing heavily. Her glasses were completely fogged up now, keeping her eyes hidden from all of us.

"I know it's hard to believe, that I, The Great Papyrus, might weep, but when Bonesis sacrificed his favorite toy so that he could win the baseball game…" I sniffled. Just thinking about it gets me feeling like jelly! "I cried! The writing was so beautiful! To think he still lost that game… I was so sad!"

Alphys held up a finger like she was about to halt me. She mumbled something to herself and shook her head. Mumbled a few more words. Shook her head more. She nodded. Was she having an argument with herself? I hoped she was okay. Undyne urged me to keep going, but I was starting to fear for Alphys' safety.

"Then there was this part with Sir Bony Stan! Oh! We finally got to see him use his mythical karate chop slams!" I mimicked the fight to the best of my ability, and it was amazing, of course. Everyone was impressed. "The end of it though…" I know I was given the okay to spoil it, but I didn't want to. "Well, let's just say it was a great fight and ended perfectly!"

Something cracked. Eh? Glass crunching? Or the sawing of wood? What was-

"NO! NO! NO, NO NO! IT WAS SO STUPID!" the voice screamed. Alphys?! "It was completely different in the manga! Sir Bony Stan was the best karate fighter in the entire Game of Bones universe! How did he get beaten by a bunch of fat untrained rich guys like that?"

I faltered. "W-WELL HE WAS SURROUNDED-"

Alphys slammed a claw down on the podium, breaking it in half. "Surrounded?! So what!? The greatest karate master shouldn't have gotten into a situation where he was surrounded!" Her words exploded out of her lungs clearly and passionately. "In the manga, he was able to get SIX homeruns in a row, without even using a bat! Just by using his karate alone!"

"O-OH. W-WELL I DIDN'T READ THE MANGA SO-"

Alphys huffed. "Of course you didn't read the manga! I could crush my glasses on the floor and I'd still be able to see you didn't read the manga!"

"I-I DIDN'T-"

The scientist didn't stop there. "Ugh! Bonesis would never sacrifice his favorite toy either! That's not canon at all! It was so dumb! He loved that toy! In the manga at least, but clearly the show doesn't care about its plot anymore if last night's episode is anything to go on!"

The rants went on for about five or ten minutes. I chose to leave that part out because Alphys started using some language that I refuse to repeat! Even Undyne looked a little scared, but also proud?

Once she had gone through the entire episode in extraordinary detail and told us why parts of it were terrible, the little lizard finally returned to her original form. The silence was so thick and uncomfortable I could taste it. Tasted like instant noodles?

Mettaton had shut down during the rant. His lights slowly flickered back to life once he realized the torture was over. "Alphys," Mettaton mumbled meagerly. He reached out towards the heavens as if the gods themselves unfairly tortured his soul. "Alphys, darling, you've killed me."

Well, that was a bit overdramatic, even for Mettaton! But, was he really acting anymore?

"S-s-sorry…" Alphys stuttered out through heaving breaths, rubbing her temples. The poor girl drifted back and forth in a woozy rhythm, leaning against the splintered and battered podium. "I-I… I shouldn't have lied to you, Undyne." The fishy girl frowned. "Or to you, Mettaton." The confident computer blinked silently. "I s-s-shouldn't have lied to anyone."

The room was still. Neither side could find what to say. Only Alphys could continue. "I-I've been so stressed lately." She kept her eyes to the ground. "I-I've had more work on the side than just for you, Mettaton." He didn't pose, he didn't reply in a sassy tone, he simply listened. "And I knew Undyne was going through a t-t-tough time too. I-I didn't want to be selfish. I wanted to be s-strong for everyone."

"Alphys," Undyne said reflexively.

"No, no," Alphys shook her head. "I-I won't pretend it was a good excuse to lie. My testimony should be inadmissible." She sighed heavily. "If I'm going to be c-c-completely honest here, I don't even know if the time of death is correct. I haven't b-been able to rest enough, and my temperature readings just weren't making sense." She finally looked over to Mettaton. "I'm s-sorry. I really m-messed this up."

A strange thing happened then.

"No, darling, I'm sorry." Mettaton apologizing? I've never even seen him do that in a TV show! "I've overworked you and I've taken you for granted, haven't I?" His voice was soothing, sweet. Real, even. "Without you, I wouldn't even exist. I should have listened to you, I should have noticed you were struggling, but I have a hard time focusing on anything but myself, I suppose. I know it won't mean much now, but I'm going to give you a few days off."

Alphys must have been expecting backlash. She was surprised, but relieved to hear those words. "T-that would be really nice. Thank you, Mettaton."

Such a touching moment! My bony heart wanted to burst! "Awwww!" the audience and I murmured in unison. Rose in hand, spotlight sparkling, Mettaton's chassis blinked with a bright red heart over his screen. He basked in their praise a little too much.

"while i'm really glad we finally learned what's up with the doc," Sans chuckled. I don't get it! "with the testimony being inadmissible and all, we're gonna need some more evidence to prove catty meowled the victim."

Yes! Things were going in our favor again! I just hope something doesn't pop up at the last second and –

"Hold it! (Yeah, hold it!)" barked a couple of voices. Aw, geez. "We've found some new evidence at the crime scene! (Yeah, see! We're good dogs!)"

Tongues lolling and muzzles panting, the dogi couple scampered up onto the court stage, overshadowing Alphys' meager form quite easily. They were running in circles, their tails wagging every which way.

Sans called them over. "what'd ya find?" he asked.

The dogi were too excitable and couldn't stand still.

"sit," Sans ordered casually, but with a hint of sternness.

Dogamy sat almost instantly. Dogaressa was a bit shocked but then realized she'd probably be out of a treat if she didn't follow suit, so she sat too.

"drop it."

They handed it over to Aaron the bailiff who handed it over to Sans.

"good dogs."

At the sound of praise, the dogi immediately lost control of their enthusiasm again, hopping around and doing circles with each other all while still nuzzling and licking.

Mettaton was quite interested. "Well? Don't keep us in suspense! What is it?"

Sans held the evidence in his phalanges casually, flipping the tiny pink thing through his bony fingers. The light of his eyes focused and stared. "ain't got a clue," he shrugged.

"It's a nail! (A nail from that cat!)" the dogi barked. "We found it at the crime scene! (It's pink! We had someone else check!)" Dogaressa growled her last words out, clearly not wanting to admit or remind anyone about their color-blindness.

Aww, it really was pink this time. Catty certainly seems the type to have pink nails, too. This couldn't be good.

Sans looked over the evidence one last time. It was incredibly shiny, gaudy even. "yeah, does appear to be a nail, doesn't it…" his words vanished as he became lost in thought.

Mettaton managed to clap his hands together quite loudly. "Y-your Honor!" A stutter? "If I might make a suggestion! I think we should take a thirty-minute break to analyze this new evidence and see where to go from here!"

Sans nodded, and suddenly the new evidence couldn't be less important to him. With a flick of a wrist, he tossed it aside. "sure, why not? i could use another nap. any objections?" He looked our way.

As much as it pained me to not scream another loud 'objection' at the top of my magical lungs, I had to keep my cool! "NO OBJECTIONS, YOUR MAJESTY!"

"cool. meet back in a half-hour or whatever," he yawned, placing his sleepy skull down into his arms.

Just what could this new evidence mean? Sure, the dogi claimed it was Catty's but I had a strange feeling about it. Undyne agreed with me. Even Mettaton was particularly panicky!

Oh! Where did Alphys go?

She must have left when no one was looking.