Chapter Four: And When the Bough Begins to Break…

"Do you love him?"

Rose turned in the direction of the voice. Just a woman, standing there. Hard to see her with so much light at her back, though. Still, she got the feeling that the woman was slender and tall.

"Who?" she asked.

"Do you love him?" the woman asked again.

Rose crossed her arms over her chest. She didn't know what to make of this woman, asking her such a silly question. This was a dream, she'd bet her life on it — but it felt a little off just the same.

"Who?" Rose repeated. "If you're asking about Mickey —"

"Do you love him?"

Rose got the feeling from the tone of the question that the woman wasn't asking about Mickey. She sighed and shrugged. "The Doctor, then? He's the only other 'him' in my life right now."

"Do you love him?" Lighter this time, happier. Sort of like praising her for guessing correctly.

"More than anything," Rose whispered.

And she meant it.

x x x

She woke to a gentle touch on her arm, fingers on her wrist. A caress. It was so peaceful and soft that, for just the briefest of moments, Rose let herself enjoy it. The Doctor was there with her, she knew it without even opening her eyes. He was just checking her pulse.

Checking her pulse?

Rose's eyes shot open and she winced. The room was very bright.

"Hello," the Doctor grinned down at her, letting go of her wrist. She pulled her arm toward her, rubbing at the place he'd just been touching.

"This… isn't my room," she responded, as she slowly realized that the ceiling overhead was the wrong color. Plain white instead of the metallic gold-bronze of her bedroom, same color the TARDIS used everywhere except where she was now — the medlab.

"No, its not."

Rose waited, but no further explanation seemed to be coming. The Doctor had turned and lost himself in some kind of paperwork.

"Is there a reason I'm in the medlab and not in my bed?"

"Sleepwalking?" he offered without turning around. "Nasty bit of sleepwalking, that. You nearly walked right out of the TARDIS and into sixteenth century China wearing only your nightgown."

"You're kidding." She certainly hoped he was joking. Sixteenth century China wasn't ready for her nightgown.

He grinned at her over his shoulder. Same old grin as always, but his eyes were a little different. Not happy eyes, in her opinion. Not the usual sparkling brown depths that she had come to know and enjoy since he'd come into her life. "Yeah, I am. I wanted to run some tests. You were asleep. I carried you."

He'd carried her and she'd been asleep for it? The injustice of it was almost enough to make Rose forget the rest of what the Doctor had just said.

"Tests? What kind of tests? I told you — it's just the stomach flu. Nothing to worry about. I must've caught it from one of the kids at that school," she sat up, tugging at the various bits of wire that were taped to her skin. A hand covered hers, stilling her motions. She paused and looked up at the Doctor. He looked so serious for just a moment. It made her heart thud a little faster in her chest. "You're startin' to scare me. What's going on?"

The Doctor looked away, putting aside the instrument he held in his hands. He seemed so lost, his movements so very tired. Rose wanted to reach for him, to say something to offer him some sort of comfort, even though she was the one that was slowly becoming terrified.

"Doctor?"

He looked back her way and gave her a tight smile, so unlike his normal toothy grin that Rose nearly broke down right then and there. Something was wrong. She wasn't sure what it was, but it was there just the same. Something was definitely one hundred and ten percent…wrong. Since he was so hesitant to say whatever it was, and he'd just been doing tests, she made the best leap of logic she could.

"Something's wrong with me, isn't there? What's. Going. On?"

"Something I thought we'd put behind us," he said. Quietly.

He also made no sense.

Rose frowned. "I don't understand."

The Doctor shook his head. He reached up and took his glasses off, rubbing at his eyes. "No, you wouldn't. You don't remember anything that happened. I suppose I'm going to have to start there. At the beginning. Well, at the end of our beginning, I guess you could say."

"What?"

"Satellite Five."

Those two words made Rose shiver. There was something to them, past the horrors that she could remember, that had always haunted her. Every time she had tried to think about that period, she'd just felt…something unexplainable. A feeling of being lost. The Doctor was right, though, she couldn't remember the end — when she could only assume that the Doctor had defeated the Daleks. He'd said… that he sang a song and the Daleks ran away, but he'd also said that he took the Time Vortex into himself

And then he'd died.

He'd died to save her.

"You looked into the Time Vortex, Rose. You wanted to come back to save me and you looked into what you thought was the TARDIS — not knowing that it was the Time Vortex itself," he began, slowly; gaining speed as he went. "No one is supposed to do that."

"I remember — you told me… afterwards."

The Doctor nodded. The sadness that had been in his eyes was plainly written over his entire face now. Rose shivered again, unable to get rid of the chill that had wormed its way into her. She pulled the thin medlab blanket up, covering her arms.

"On the bright side — you destroyed the Daleks. Single-handedly. You waved your hand and made them all go away. Good job," the Doctor grinned brightly for the briefest of moments.

"But you wouldn't let go of the power and it was killing you — so I took it from you and put it back where it belonged. Then —"

Rose didn't hear what he said next. She couldn't hear a thing above the sudden pounding in her ears. He had only taken the vortex into himself to save her. She was the reason that the previous Doctor had died.

"I killed you," she whispered thickly, voice breaking. The Doctor stopped speaking and she repeated herself louder, "I killed you!"

The Doctor sighed. "You saved me and then I saved you."

Tears slipped down Rose's cheeks, falling in wet splotches to the blanket she now clutched to her chest. She shook her head. She'd killed him. By trying to save him, she'd killed him.

"If you had not come back — I wouldn't be standing here with you right now," he gave her a small smile. "And the Daleks would have taken over Earth and who knows what else. You saved everyone."

I could save the world, but lose you. Appropriate words — both when the Doctor had first said them to her — and now, with the weight of what she had caused to happen hanging over her head. To think, she'd been so unkind there at the beginning, wanting her previous Doctor back, when he had sacrificed himself to save her!

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" the Doctor looked genuinely confused.

Rose shrugged. How could she explain the grief that she was feeling? She could remember trying to get back to Satellite Five — back to the Doctor — because she was willing to sacrifice herself for him. Because she loved him. And then he had died — because of what she did. She whispered, "For everything. For getting you killed."

"Saving me," he corrected gently.

"Same thing — saving you ended up killing you." There would be no headway for him. Not on this point. She had killed him. End of story. So the rest of the world had been saved; he had still died. She'd watched as he died.

She would never forget watching him…die…change…

The Doctor's lips twitched. "Except — I'm not dead — see, still alive and kicking. Still getting us into trouble day after day. Same old me. Don't you worry about me. Not here and now. Not ever."

It was silly for him to say that, as if she could control who she worried about, or when. But, if she wasn't going to worry about him, then she would have to worry about why she was in the medlab being scanned and tested in the first place. "Then what should I be worried about?"

"Who wins the Sixth World War for Independence?"

"The Jenogi of Trox," she responded automatically, wondering what that had to do with anything.

The Doctor's smiled grimly. "That's what you should be worried about."

"The Sixth World War for Independence? Why? Are we going there, because I must say, Doctor, we could go somewhere less war-ish for once."

"Hey! I thought you liked the wars."

Despite the worry nagging at her heart, Rose laughed at the look of mock disappointment on the Doctor's face. "I do — but beaches are nice, too. And picnics. And shopping without worryin' whether or not I'll be carrying too many bags to properly run for my life."

"See if I take you to watch the rather fantastic Krillonix War of the Jam, then."

"You're putting me on," Rose rolled her eyes. "There's never been and never will be a War of the Jam."

The second the words were out of her mouth, the humor left Rose. That wasn't just a guess on her part. She knew for a fact that there was never going to be a War of the Jam — not on Krillonix or any other planet in any time for that matter. That wasn't right. There was no way she should know that. Not the future, not unless the Doctor had told her about it at some point. He hadn't, though. The more she thought, the more she knew. Things she had no way of knowing. Wars that hadn't had happened, treaties that would happen. She was aware of opening and closing her mouth, but couldn't get a word out.

"And that is what you should be worrying about, right there," the Doctor frowned. "You've got all of time running through your head, Rose Tyler. Something that should have left you when I took the time vortex out of you." He paused. "Thing is, I'm starting to think I didn't get it out of you. Not entirely, anyway."

"But, you said that no one is supposed to have it in them, right?" Rose whispered. The meaning of his words was filtering through her mind. Connecting the dots of logic one by one. She sucked in a breath, shaking her head to clear it. She looked up at the Doctor. "There's a way to get it out of me, right?"

He didn't even have to open his mouth. The look on the Doctor's face was enough. He didn't smile or grin, didn't look away. He just looked… sad.

"I could try to take it from you again."

"That killed you last time!" Rose argued. "You died — right in front of me! I won't let it happen again."

"Even if it saves you?" he countered evenly.

Rose snorted. "Didn't last time, did it? So, what, you can regenerate. How many times before that trick gets old? Is it a forever kind of thing?"

"No," he snapped, wincing when he realized what he'd done. "Three more times, that's it."

Three more times. Only three — and he was willing to risk one of those precious lives for her? Again?

"No," she shook her head. "I won't have it. If it doesn't work, you've wasted another go 'round."

"Rose —"

"No. 'Sides," she sniffed. "Might not like the next you very much, you know? Don't want to have to get used to a new you."

She didn't add on the rest, the part that she thought —

She didn't want to have to get used to a new him while she was dying.

"So how long have I got?" she asked. "Couple months?"

He sighed. "A few weeks… a month or two?" The Doctor shrugged. "There's no way to know at this point. I'll test you again in a couple days, see how far the cellular decay has spread. We'll know better then."

Nodding, Rose looked around the medlab. So clean. So sterile. Just what a place of medicine should be. It wasn't very Spock, but not much on the TARDIS was. And there was nothing in here that could save her.

Nothing.

She held back her tears. The Doctor was already having a hard enough time, from what she could see on his face. There was just one thing she needed from him at that moment, and she wasn't sure how he was going to take it.

"Can you take me home to see my mum?" she whispered. She was very proud that her voice didn't shake. She'd pay for it later, in her room and alone. She'd cry and cry and curse whatever had done this to her. Yes, a breakdown was going to be in swift order.

But not right now.

"Of course," the Doctor agreed. Pain flashed through his eyes. "You'll want to be home for when… of course."

"No," Rose said, eyes going wide. "I just want to visit — one last time. And then you're going to take me to show me all these things that are in my head. The wars and the uprisings and — all of it. And when the time comes — you're gonna tell my mum that it was peaceful, right?" She sucked in a breath. "Right?"

"Rose —"

She shook her head so fast that she was momentarily dizzy. She held up her hand and stopped whatever he was about to say. "No arguments. Please? Unless you don't want…"

His face fell and this time it was his voice that shook. "Don't you think that for a single second. If this is where you want to be — then this is where you'll be until…" He trailed off and then grinned. "Any particular wars you want to see after we get done at your mum's?"

Even if these were her last days, weeks, whatever — Rose knew they'd be full of everything she'd always wanted.

END CHAPTER