Thank you Crystal for your time and work!
The video I am referring to in this story is: www (dot) youtube (dot) com / watch ? v=6B26asyGKDo. Thank you Crystal for beta-ing.
Disclaimer: I do not own twilight. . .
Chapter Four: Hatred
"Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism.
It is not the conviction that something will turn out well,
but the certainty that something makes sense,
regardless of how it turns out."
Vaclav Havel, Disturbing the Peace (1986)
Oh My God!
I am going to kill him!
I am one hundred percent positive.
This is his sister? THIS? And he sent me to her! He is such an ass.
I will beat him to death!
"What's up Bellisima? Are you in your own little crazy world? C'mon, we haven't even started yet, we have a lot more to do." She glares at me. I lift one eyebrow.
Or, I will kill her.
"You know what, I . . . I think I can handle it myself. I won't bother you." I say with hope in my voice.
"Don't be such a bitch! I am going to make a little princess out of you." She laughs wickedly.
How can such a dwarf be so fucking irritating? I wanted to grab her hair and beat some sense into her. I would totally do that!
"Edward didn't tell me you were so slow though." She looks at me compassionately. I close my eyes and count to five.
This is going to be a looooong day.
I was right. I felt like a walking teenager in their worst period. But she is what . . . eighteen? Is her mental development so slow? Sometimes I have no clue what she is talking about. . . Sometimes I would be happier to not understand. . .
"Belllllla." She shrieks at me, stressing the 'L'. I roll my eyes.
"I totally found your dress! You would look like a five star chick in this." She runs towards me. Holding . . . a lot of strings and small pieces of fabric.
"I would look like a slut in that." I say.
"But a high society slut!" She reasons with me. Smirking. Not a good move honey. Smirks remind me of your brother; and it only pisses me off more. But did she really think I would wear that?
I give her more instructions. She gives me a lot more eye rolls. But we find the dress and shoes that we can agree upon. Finally. We bargained. I gave on the depth of my neckline. It ends now under my breasts. She gave up on the length of the dress. I find the longest possible. We agreed on the color of the dress. Surprising to us both. But the turquoise dress is just breathtaking. The dress reminds me of Greek Gods. Kind of the same type.
The day is over. But my nightmare isn't. Alice decided to do my hair and make-up for the ball. I shook my head just thinking about it.
Believe me- I tried to talk her out of it; like my life depended on it. I think I haven't tried so much since . . . ever! And I lost. But there is no need to fight the fate. If she was going to be killed by me, there was no point in delaying it. I think sarcastically. Yep, sarcasm and irony. My BFF from now on. There was no other way to fight her.
~8~8~**~8~8~
"This is Rosalie Hale. How can I help you?" She speaks into the phone.
"Rose?"
"Yes, I think Rosalie can be shortened to 'Rose' too." She says a bit angrily. Though still trying to remain polite.
"Did you have some brain surgery? Or did they implant the brain filter in your head." I asked horrified. I chuckle.
"Bella?" She asks expectantly, as if she already knew the answer.
"Yes. Miss Hale." I say smiling.
"I find out the thing called a 'job' is actually a fucking brain filter! You knew that? I HATE IT so much." There is a noise in the background. There are some muffled voices. Rosalie continues on talking to me.
"One hour, our place! My boss is here. Bye." She hangs up. I am excited to see her.
~8~8~**~8~8~
She doesn't push me to explain the silence. She doesn't ask me why I'd decided to call her now. She doesn't ask me about him. How unlike Rosalie.
She only says: "Bells, you're paying for tonight since it's your fault we haven't caught up to drink the entire year." I laugh.
"I miss you Rose." I say. My fifth shot of Vodka is now empty.
"I love you too Bella, and I don't ever want to lose you again." She says after her sixth shot. She leans over to hug me. I hold her tightly.
It's like we were never apart.
I tell her about Edward. I tell her about his sister! I tell her about the day we spent together. She almost pisses her panties while laughing hysterically. I tell her how Alice is going to do my hair. She pisses herself again. But I can't be angry with her. I almost fall from the bar stool. I am delighted. I have my best friend back in my life.
We met in high school. And we quickly became friends. We had the same destiny. Not much money. So no Uni for either of us. We learned to accept that. And we had the best year of our lives. We didn't care about our notes. Teachers lost their power on us. We were the pains in their asses. And we enjoyed it thoroughly.
We stayed in the bar until the lights were turned off. Yeah, we got the message. They want us to go.
~8~8~**~8~8~
The day of my execution arrives. Alice will accomplish the task. Or the ball I am attending will.
"What's up?" She shouts. She launches herself at me. Is she trying to throw me down? Oh, no. She just wants to hug me.
I am honestly getting paranoid. And freaked out by this girl. I let her into my house. Into my room.
"Well, well, well!" She is looking at my reflection in the mirror. She holds my hair in her hands.
A very disturbing picture.
"Will you trust me, psycho?" She asks. And I want to kill her. I try to persuade myself.
"No. Way!" I say resolutely.
"God, you are such a baby . . ."
Calm down Bella, calm down.
Three hours later and I am opening the front door again. It's my dad this time.
"Oh sweet heart, you look stunning." He says with watery eyes.
Alice is crazy. That's for sure. But the work she did today; I have to give her the credit for. Big waves of my brown hair is cascading down my back. There is a big silver clip on one side of my head, pinning my hair together above the ear. The clip is silver, with little sparkling grits. The other side is left free.
The makeup is very soft except my eyes. I couldn't stop looking at them in the mirror. They are dark, but with a little touch of blue. The light of hope in the dark.
"Dad, I am wordless. You look . . . well . . . you look better than George Clooney!" I chuckle.
He had black, corvine hair. Wrinkles in the right spots. The ones around his eyes emphasize his cheerfulness. He has warm blue eyes. And tight lips that master a brilliant smile. In the black dinner jacket her looks very handsome.
I love him so much.
But I can see the worry in his eyes too. This evening is very important to him. For both of my parents. He needs to make an impression on the right people. He needs them to invest into his idea. He wants to open a special kind of nursery school. He has been working in this field for a long time. I know it is not much of a job for a man. At least society would think so. But my dad was born for this role. This is how he met my mother. She volunteered to help him for free. Years later she confessed she that only to be with him.
He gives me his arm and walks me to the car. My mom is waiting there. I see tears in her eyes.
"Honey, you look beautiful. . ." She says with a sob. I am proud I have made them happy.
"Mom, don't cry!" I wipe away the tears. I give her a gentle kiss on her cheek.
"I thought we might have some performance to give, so don't let us ruin our appearance." I say. Smiling.
"Yes, yes, of course!" Her hands frantically try to correct what her tears have damaged.
Mom has deep brown eyes, like I do. And long brown hair, the same as me. But shorter. Thinking about it, we look the same. With few more wrinkles, she could pass for my older sister.
We head to the ball.
I can't believe my eyes! I want to shuffle my eyes. Alice would kill me. Two tables further down blue eyes is sitting! I am almost happy to see him. Almost. But then I remember. I glare at him as I get pissed off. I force him to look at me. My mission is temporarily distracted. My dad looks at me. Confused. I give him my best smile. His smiles back weirdly. Apparently considering how crazy I really am. I make sure I behave like a good girl for the rest of the dinner. I chat when needed. I give a fake smile at the right times.
The dinner is over. I go to the bar. I need something to drink. Urgently.
"Good evening gorgeous." He says from behind me. His lips just an inch from my ear. I shudder from his breath on my skin. I turn around slowly. I get the full power of his beauty.
His blue eyes are emphasized by the grey suit he wears. His lips stained red from the wine he is drinking. His hair almost black in the timid light. I want to touch him. I remember what he did again.
"You know, we should make one thing clear. I hope you do understand I looked for your help, because I tried to kill myself. And I remember you making me swear that I wouldn't try it again. So I really do not think sending me to your slightly crazy sister Alice, was such a clever idea. Considering you really want to keep my alive." I blurt out coldly.
"Wow, that was a warm welcoming." He says chuckling. I hate him. I lift an eyebrow. I refuse to say a single word.
"Let me dance with you." He suggests politely.
"No way!" I cross my arms my chest. He smiles playfully. The he freezes. He stares at my breasts. I look at them. Oh fuck, I just pushed them up when I crossed my arms. I drop them. He composes himself.
"You know she was accepted to Harvard in advance?" He asks me whilst lifting his eyebrows.
"What, like, as a experimental guinea pig?" I ask. Though I am surprised. He chuckles.
"Let me dance with you and I'll explain." My curiosity gets the better of me. I nod and roll my eyes.
He takes my hand in his. They are huge. But gentle. He walks me to the centre of the room. I realize there is no one else dancing. Fuck. Me. But it's no obstacle for him. He starts to swirl me around the dance floor. Just like the professionals.
Who knew I could dance like this. . .
After a while I relax. I press my head to his neck. His breath tickling my earlobe again.
"She is doing it on purpose you know. The strange behavior. She loves to study people, to push their boundaries, expose them to edgy situations. One time she made me fake a heart attack so she could watch people helping me. Once I was supposed to look like a rich business man, the next time like a homeless drunk." He sighs.
"I don't have to tell you how long I had to lay there as a homeless until someone finally tried to help me, do I?" He doesn't give me time to answer.
"That's what she will be studying at Uni. Sociology. People." That stunned me. I freeze on the spot. He just lifts me an inch from the floor and swirls me around a little more. I feel his muscles working.
"Are you trying to tell me that I lived through that whole fucking day only for her stupid personal studying purposes? Like I was the fucking guinea pig?" I am angry now. I rejoin our dance with my feet on the dance floor. He chuckles.
"You know, she did say that you had a surprising amount of patience. She was really impressed by you." He says honestly. I am just more pissed.
"Well fuck her, now I am even more pissed!"
"Don't be too hard on her. She loves it. It is just a part of who she is. You get used to it after a while. And it helps you learn a lot about yourself as well. After that heart attack study, I try to treat people regardless of their appearance. It made me a better person. And I am thankful for that." He tells me honestly.
"I thought our sessions were only once a week." I say sarcastically.
"Let's say this is just advice from a friend."
"Is that even legal? To be friends with my shrink?" I ask, interested. He is suddenly quiet for a while.
"Yes, that one is allowed." He says blankly.
I can sense that he is tensed, after what was said. An awkward silence lies upon us. The conversation is apparently over. I made a move to finish the dance too. But he holds me even more tightly.
I guess the dance isn't over then.
I inhale his scent. I feel lost in him. I close my eyes. I let myself lose myself in the silence dance.
Who could have known it would be easy with the right man.
~8~8~**~8~8~
"So Bella, you know what I want to speak with you about today." I shudder at the thought.
"Yes." I say, glaring at him. He is silent for a while.
"You know I'm doing this for your own good." He continues after a moment.
"Yes." I say like a teenager with home arrest. He is silent. It is my time to speak then. I look at the flood of orange and begin.
"So, as I said last time, there was that trial with James in June. You know, I doubted that there was anyone else as sleazy as James, but I was wrong. His attorney– Aro." I shake my head. The chill runs through my body just thinking about him.
"It was the last straw I was holding onto. My last hope that I would find some . . . not peace, but justice at least. Some revenge. Some payback for my sorrow. But all I got was money . . . as if I could even enjoy it." I say disgusted. I look into his eyes. I am instantly calmer. I turn to the sky again and continue.
"They told me . . . my lawyers . . . that they knew he wouldn't get arrested. They tried to explain to me that it was really an accident. . . Can you imagine? He pushed him. HE. PUSHED. HIM. That is not an accident. They can't do this. They can't just say that. He pushed him with the aim to harm him. He harmed him . . . he killed him." I am angry. I am desperate. I am devastated again. Goosebumps appear all over my body.
"And he was sitting there, on the bench, after wearing on the Holy Bible, claiming it was just an accident . . . I am just fed up with it . . . that people can just get away with no punishment by claiming they didn't mean to end up like it did. . . Take fucking responsibility for what you did motherfuckers!" I yell at blue eyes with all the hatred I had buried inside of me.
"This is why the world looks like it does. . ." I almost whisper.
"There is no justice . . . because there is this fucking system where you can hide everything by saying 'I didn't want this to happen'. I didn't want him to fall down the stairs and break his neck. BUT THAT WAS WHAT HAPPENED! How many disasters would there be if everyone would watch their move, their push. . . How many people in this world are run over ever day 'by accident'? I know he couldn't have known that . . . couldn't have known he would kill him, he should pay for it." I say with tears in my eyes.
"He should pay for his mistakes, he should have been aware of the surroundings . . . of the possible harm he could have caused. . . They can't just say it was an accident. . . He can't just take away someone's life and walk away untouched. . ." I silently cry into my hands.
"I had nothing . . . after the trial ended. . . You know, before, I thought I could never feel emptier than the night of his death and the death of our child . . . but after the trial ended . . . I was nothing. Just a shell. . ." I look at him behind tear filled eyes.
"You know that guy that took a picture of himself every day for six years and posted it on the internet?" He nodded.
"Have a look at it again, for me." He turns on the web browser and found the video. When I hear the familiar music I know he is playing it.
"Look at him . . . you see the eyes? Do you dare tell me they are happy? Have you seen a single smile at least on one picture of these 2356 days? The surroundings change. His hair grows out and then it is short again because he got it cut. His shirt changes. But the only thing I can see is the pain in his eyes and the same black circle under them. . . That was me. A lifeless shell in the changing world around me. I didn't want to be like them . . . to live like that. And we're there again- I didn't want to . . . but it just fucking happened because of someone else, someone who didn't even dare to give me some peace because he wasn't punished." I narrowed my eyes at him.
"So I made my mind to take him down with me. I decided to make him the same lifeless shell as I was." I tell blue eyes with no shame. I can see the shock and panic in his eyes.
"I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not. When I made that decision it was the best I felt since his death. I decided I was going to kill Victoria. His love for my love. His pain for mine." I say coldly. I can touch the tension in the room. The unspoken question lingers in the air. I smirk.
"Calm down, I didn't do it." I say watching the sky again. Pink is joining the orange.
"It isn't that I didn't want to. I had it all planned out. I never felt so serene. It wasn't so hard to get a gun. It is our lovely USA after all- nothing is easier. I followed them for two weeks. Getting to know their habits. Trying to find the best opportunity. They acted so in love." I shake my head in disbelief.
"I was sick every fucking day because of that. Couldn't even watch it. One day I took my spot behind the tree. Perfect place to shoot and still not be spotted, perfect place to run in the opposite direction to a crowded place. I could get lost in there and never be identified. So I waited for them to walk by as they did every evening. And it was only then that I saw their hands on her bumpy stomach." I shook my head forcefully. Still not able to process that fact.
"I couldn't believe it! I hated them even more! But I just couldn't pull the trigger." I see the confusion in his eyes.
"Are you asking me why? Because she had that tummy . . . they tummy I was supposed to have. The tummy that should have been the home of my child . . . they didn't only take my Jacob away, but they'd stolen my pregnancy too! Can you imagine how frustrated I was? Standing there, with the gun pointing at her, so close to my personal justice. All that he had done to me would have been gone with just one shot. And I COULDN'T DO IT!" I shake my head, ashamed of myself.
"I was not even capable of revenge. After all he had done to me; I had mercy with the unborn child. The child I should have been carrying." Silence.
"I went to my lifeless mode again. I waited for the end to come for me. I think I unconsciously knew back then that I would try to kill myself." We are silent for a while.
"Bella, you told me James and Jacob were friends, am I right?"
"Yes, Jacob thought so." I emphasize the third word.
"You think a friend would want to kill his friend, on purpose?"
"I thought not." I emphasize the second word this time.
"Bella, I do understand that. With one move he technically destroyed your future family. But you have to find a peace in your heart so you can move on. You have to accept the fact, that even though he killed him, it never really was his aim. We are just like that Bella. Those are men. We drink. We shove one another. We yell. But after all of it is down, we are friends again and everything is forgotten."
"You think I should be as forgiving as you are? We can't all be saints and martyrs." I say. He laughs.
"I have never imagined you would forgive him just like that. And no one can be saint nor martyr in this disturbing world. But I want you to think about what Jacob would have thought about it. If he would have wanted you to kill James' girlfriend. Or if he'd have been pissed but knew James meant no harm."
"You want to use my dead boyfriend to make me feel guilty? How mentally disturbed are you?"
"I just want you to look at it from another point of view. I am sure you won't forgive him for a long time, but I need you to accept the fact that it was really an accident."
"How can I move on, if he just died? Died for nothing. . . Just because of James' ego or whatever. . ."
"Would it make it easier for you, if the death had some sense? Some purpose?"
"Of course it would! If he was rescuing a drowning child, which he saved but died whilst doing it, I could fucking live with that!"
"And how do you know there will be no sense to his death? Maybe there is already, and you just don't know it yet. Maybe his death won't be forgotten."
"So what now? You'll tell me how God has a purpose, a plan for everyone on earth, that everything happens for a reason? And that Jacob fulfilled his purpose and therefore died?"
"No, I just don't want to see your life get wasted too! Bella place, if you can't see some sense in his death, try to make some. But just don't let your life get wasted too."
~8~8~**~8~8~
EPOV
I would have said I was surprised to see her there. But I wasn't. I did my best to find out from my sister which ball Bella was attending. It was the one my parents were holding. You can imagine my surprise.
I couldn't believe it was her at first. Her parents didn't have a chance, when she decided to give them her little show. I watched stunned as she acted so cheerful and carefree. Adding it to her shining beauty. . . She was simply gorgeous. I couldn't help myself; I needed to feel her in my arms.
Of course she was an angry tiger at the beginning. It was just so lovely. Totally worth sending her to my sister. I love Alice a lot, but she really is a pain in the ass sometimes. But after all, I finally got to hold her. I rested one hand on her lower back. O got to hold her small fingers in my other hand. I let my clothes meet her silky dress and pressed my cheek to the top of her head.
The bliss didn't last long though. She had to bring the reality back to me, had to remind me there could only be friendship between us. So I decided to get the most I could get from this encounter, after all it's the most I could ever get. I held her tighter. And let myself loose in her. I tried to not imagine her breasts that were obviously braless in this dress. I tried not to imagine her panties lying on the floor of my bedroom. I tried not to imagine feeling her so close, like we were at this time, in my bed and naked . . . I tried to suppress those images and enjoy only the real sensation between our bodies. Well, give me some credit- at least I tried, but my fantasy was stronger.
~8~8~**~8~8~
I couldn't believe it. Could not believe that that gorgeous little tiger wanted to kill someone. I understood it, of course. He practically destroyed her life, but I couldn't tell her that. I would want to kill him myself if he accidentally killed her. . . But I couldn't tell her that either. I needed to find out what would make his death more bearable for her. She wanted to see some sense in his death? I could understand that, but I was scared like a fucking toddler that she wouldn't find that sense in James.