Notes: warning for this chapter and also I hope its realistic... I'm worried about this particular chapter cuz it's my first time writing and well it's... Dark as hell •-• it also built Ren as a character. Hope you all like him. Also, a warning I wrote this when I was sleepy so I'm not that proud of it ⁝(ᵒ̴̶̷᷄ ᵒ̴̶̷᷅ )⁝ I didn't know what to write for that particular scene soooooooo... Sorry if it ended up weird but I wanted to make it obscure.
Warnings:
Mental illness
Blood
Self-harm
Depression
Anxiety
Attacks
Bad parenting
Abuse (mentioned)
Inaba, 2016 April 10th, 20.39
It began as a whispering in the air, the night breeze rose up as they stir the leaves of the trees. Ren began running, looking up to the dark sky that was darkened even more with the heavy clouds. Rain was coming. That he knew for sure. The deafening roar of thunder was drawing nearer to him. A brilliant flash of light flickered and died before another bolt of light broke the utter darkness. It cleaved the cloak of the sky, only lasting for a couple of seconds.
The boy began to trot faster, feeling the tickling pearls of water on his skin. The rain intensified, shooting down bullets of water as they hammered down everything they touched. It rained down over the small town with a roar.
The sound of emptiness was disrupted by the loud gregarious boom of thunder. The cold icy rain pierced his pale and wet skin. He ran across the slippery path, his posture weakened by the weight of his soaked clothes. The quality of darkness shifted in the sky but the rain kept pouring. The harsh rain obliterated the crystal reflection of the sky and turned it into a disorientated chaos.
It seemed as if that even the gods were weeping for him.
That or they were laughing at his miserable ass. And he believed the latter.
The boy glanced up to the dark sky, imagine if they really were laughing at his pathetic being of a mortal human. Or could he even call himself a human being?
Why are you here again? - female, late twenties
With his body drenched in rain, Ren quickly made a turn to where his house was. The rain kept on pouring down onto his small body, leaving no mercy first everything and everyone that stood in its path.
It's a bad place y'know? So why? - male, a child
Ren ignored everything, just wanting to focus on what was in front of him. To get away from the grim downpour as soon as possible. The sting on his heart was not worth to listen to. The voices at the back of his head were even more so.
Listen to us, Ren, and keep us safe - Male, late thirties
Step, step, step...
He staggered, eyed widening in shock before turning around on his heels. His eyes filled with panic, clouded with the uncertainty for the future. His heart was still beating. Every single pound on his chest. He felt it all. He dared not to move. He dared not even breathe. Frozen in place. The hairs on his arms stood to attention, as a militia of chills marched down on his spine.
Was there something there or was it just his imagination? The beating gets louder and louder, surely if there was something there, it could hear Rens' cacophonous thrumming rhythm. The sound was intolerable, he breathed deeper by the second.
No one was there. Or were they?
Why are you heading that way!? Turn around now! Don't let the bastard get us! - female, early teenaged years
Turning around, all he could see was an empty street drenched from the rain. Ren bit his lip, feeling even more paranoid. The rain was icy cold, and the wind made it even more so. But he couldn't find it himself to run anymore, even if he'll get sick.
He stood there frozen to the core on the street leading towards his house. It was always empty, devoid of life. Rows of houses were the only visible thing Ren could see. And even then, they brought him pain. He wanted nothing but to take all of his memories and put them inside a box, sealing them away and destroy it until nothing was left. The familiar road was all too well acquainted with his memories.
Don't listen to them, you're going to catch a cold you know? - male, early twenties
And there it went again. The voice that had a distinguished comfort in the tone. It was ironically the quietest voice he knew and yet he heard it crystal clear. The only voice that he knew he shouldn't hear, the other voices screamed out curses and insults, and yet with only a few words, the soft voice gave Ren the push he needed to begin.
Go on, walk.
It said again, and so he began to walk, albeit slower than before. But hearing it again was more than enough to give him a sense of safety.
Amamiya Residence, 22.17
Ren stood silently in front of his house, an uncanny feeling was bubbling at the pit of his stomach. The house always looked much larger than he thought, his eyes were used to it being a simple prison for him. Never going to release him. Too tall, and too wide.
It was always like that. Every night when he went back home. The large house was haunting to him. He didn't want to be in the household anymore. Too many memories wanting to be forgotten. Too many wounds that could never heal.
TURN BACK, TURN BACK NOW!
DONT GO INSIDE!
LISTEN TO US FOOL!
Ren held his hands in a tight fist, trying to ignore the voices inside his head. Like it or not, the house was still his home. His father was still his parent who brought life to him. Without his father, he would be nothing, not that he was already something, I know... So please... Go away...
Useless child, go away.
Stupid, stupid!
Ren's a big dumb idiot!
Just leave, he didn't want you anyway.
And the voices went without stopping. Looking back at the house, he knew he had no choice but to abide by the rules. How society was failing both amused and horrified him. The lights were still on, signalling that he, his father, was home. With a shiver trailing down his spine, he took a step towards the entrance. And another. And another. And another.
Standing in front of the door, Ren bit his lip as he stared at the innocent knob. Placing a cold hand on the small piece of metal, shivers ran down his spine. Steeling himself for the last time, he turned the knob and opened the door, "I'm home..." He said, almost in a whisper.
"Come here," a gruff, overworked voice called out form the living room. Ren gulped down the spit gathering at the back of his mouth, hands were slowly taking off his shoes even if they couldn't stop shaking at the thought. He was probably going to talk about the legal data he received from the police, but didn't they already finished it a few days ago? What could he want then when they had already finished writing all of the necessary documents?
Placing his shoes on the rack at the side, he slipped on his black sandals before making his slow journey to the living room. The hallway was shorter than he had expected, perhaps because when he was young, he would always run along the hall for a long period of time.
Standing at the open doorway into the living room, his father was glaring at the documents that were placed rather messily on the table. He was clearly not in the mood to talk as he annoyance could be felt rather easily, rubbing his forehead tiredly before placing some of his black strands behind his ear. A phone was on his free hand as if he had just finished calling someone. His expression was hard to read as usual, with his face devoid of emotion. Except for those intimidating dark eyes of his.
Looking up from the documents, Amamiya Kaiji turned his attention towards his one and only son, Amamiya Ren, quaking in his boots.
"Did you call for me?" The boy asked, careful in choosing his words before noticing something was... Slightly different about his father. He didn't smell any alcohol. Not even a single, small can of beer was seen. No bottles of wine, no shots, no nothing. Nor did he reeked of other scents like those expensive perfumes the hookers wore.
The boy noticed the papers were actually applications. Applications for a school in the city, to be precise. Well, he was still a growing teenager. At least his father was still in his right mind to finish his education. Or so he hoped. But when he thought about it, which would a school accept someone who had a criminal record?
What caught his attention the most was the one school he recognized as a prestigious one. A name was already written on the paper and a new seal that he knew didn't belong to him, "I've found you a school that'll accept you," the man said, his voice empty and dull, "It's a so-called prestigious school, I just need you to check if I miss anything."
Ren just nodded his head, walking towards Kaiji cautiously as he picked up the paper that he was working on before. He read the name of the school. Shūjin Academy. He has heard of the school before. They were most famous for hiring a nationally known athlete as their teacher. But he couldn't help but wonder why would the school let him in when even normal schools rejected him?
The boy immediately narrowed his eyes when he read the name. It wasn't his. Wasn't his name, he meant. But the picture was his. Or maybe a twin? But he knew he was a single son. Actually, who the fuck was it? Did the application get switched up? Because he knew for hell that he did not know a "Kurusu Akira."
Reading the file fully, he realized that everything that was written down on it (except his name) was his information. Was his father so drunk when he wrote his name and ended up sleeping before filling the file with the correct data? Not that he was drunk before.
"But this isn't my name," was all he said to Kaiji. But the man didn't seem to be fazed by it one bit. In fact, he expected it. Ren bit his lip, wondering to himself, Maybe I shouldn't have said anything...
But before Ren could think of a reason, Kaiji opened his mouth, "That's your name. When you leave the house, you won't leave as Amamiya Ren. You leave as Kurusu Akira," he explained, looking fatigued as he took out a smoke and lit it up.
Ren widened his eyes in shock. Did he hear what his father said? Was he going to abandon his one and only identity? Or worst... Was his father already sick of him that he would disown his only child? The fact that he changed his birth name and even created a new fake seal for him was too much for him to handle.
All he tried to do saving a woman from getting harassed by a drunk old man. And then the Goddess of Fate rewarded him by sending him to the courtroom. Just from doing what was right. Weren't they in the wrong!?
He doesn't want you anymore!
Shut up...
Useless piece of garbage should just die!
Please...
He doesn't want to associate with you~
No more...
Look, he cuts all his links with him! How sad, hahaha!
Ren gripped his empty hand into a fist, already accepting that there was no way out of it. Six years of living the so-called hell hole were enough. He couldn't stand it anymore. He wouldn't dare to ask his father why he had a change of identity, because he knew that his father didn't want him in his life anymore. He just knew.
The sound of a phone rang and reverberated through the room. Kaiji looked down on his phone, seeing the contact name as he narrowed his eyes dangerously, "Go pack your things before it's too late," was all he said as Ren nodded his head, tears threatening to escape from his dark, nightly eyes.
As he walked up the stairs towards his room, Kaiji slid the phones' green button and held it up his ear, "I told him," was what he said to the other end of the line. The man narrowed his eyes as he listened to the phone, puffing out a smoke, "Do your fucking job, old man, I don't fucking care anymore," he said in a harsh voice, tightening his fist and biting his lip, "Just get him away from me."
Please...
Amamiya Residence, Rens' Bedroom
Ren ran upstairs when he was out of his fathers' sight, quickly running across the short hallway towards his room in a desperate struggle. The tears were already forming in his eyes, and his body weakening due to being overwhelmed by his fathers' words.
HE DOESN'T WANT YOU!
Shut up!
The voices rang out inside his head again as he desperately tried to shut them all down. He didn't want to hear them, he didn't want emotion anymore. He was barely clinging onto the last piece of humanity he had.
KILL YOURSELF!
Just shut up!
But they were getting louder and harsher, and in his state of mind, all he wanted was just a place that he could belong. Hearing them say this thing over and over again was hard, but it was even harder when your own family had also said those cruel words to him.
YOU WERE NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE BORN!
I said shut up!
He could hear them. He could see them. His own family. The words they spat at him, the fake lies they spread about him, the hatred they held for him in their eyes.
WHY DONT YOU JUST STOP EXISTING!
SHUT. UP!
Ren slammed the door close, locking it tight as he felt his salty tears finally dropped from his glistening eyes. Brick by brick, his walls came tumbling down. He leaned against the door, legs weakened as he let himself drop down onto the cold surface. His body shook as he hid his face with his hands.
The sobs were stifled at first as he attempted to hide his grief, then overcome by the wave of his emotions he would break down entirely, all his defences washed away in those salty pearls of liquid seemingly not able to stop anytime soon.
Bathroom...
His mind thought, but his body wasn't listening like it was glued on the ground. He shook like a leaf, dreading for the future. The dull ache of his heart hurts too heavy for him to bear. But at the same time, the urge to go to the white room was getting stronger by each passing second.
But he couldn't care less.
As much as he tried to hold it in, the pain came out like an uproar from his throat in the form of a silent scream. The beads of water started falling down one after another, without a sign of stopping. He curled into a small ball, hugging his knees close to his chest and tried to scream, but his voice was melted by the sound of the place. The muffled sobs wracked against his chest. The world turned into a blur, and so did all the sounds. The taste. The smell. Everything was gone.
He didn't know how long he sat there in front of his door, the floor drenched in rain from his clothes. He shivered, the air dropped to freezing temperatures. As heavy as a wrecking ball, Ren forced himself still. He dragged his body to stand up and walk towards the bathroom, his hands endlessly searching for some kind of support. The table, the chair, the bed, the wall. Anything within his reach.
He made his desperate struggle towards the bathroom, opening the door with a loud bang before his hands were holding the sink in a death grip, knowing if he was to let go his legs would weaken and fall on the cold hard ground.
Ren's hands were desperately opening the mirror cabinet, the drugs and other sanitary equipment like toothpaste, shampoo, soap and floss. But he wasn't looking for them. No, he didn't care about the loud clatter of things falling down from the cabinet as the sound echoed inside the small room.
No, he was looking for his safe haven that no one knows. Even his own father.
There...!
A bright, silvery object shone on the top corner of the cabinet as he mediately took it. He didn't care about the pain that was felt when he grabbed it in a desperate struggle. Using the same hand, he used the fore part of his arm to wipe away the fallen object to the floor.
And for the first time that night, he finally saw his reflection on the mirror.
The foundation he wore from his mother's makeup bag was slowly falling due to the raindrops and salty pearls from his eyes. The dark purple blotches started to appear on his face. The black eye he received from his own father.
He wept, tears streaming from his deep night sky eyes, loud, heaving sobs tearing from his throat, and still, he did not look away from the mirror. Not until the sobs drove him to his knees did his determined gaze fall. He couldn't hold it anymore. He promised himself, but it was always broken.
Ren strained his muscles, forcing himself to stand on his two feet and started to strip out of his rain-drenched clothes. It was starting to hurt his reopened wounds anyway. The black hoodie and pair of jeans fell on to the floor with a soft thud due to the water mass, revealing his body that was covered in bandages drenched in rain and dark red patches.
Without a second thought, he ripped all of the bandages on his arms, stomach and legs throwing them all on the floor. Parts of his skin were coloured in deep amethyst and dark crimson. But the most prominent wounds he had were his arms, lower stomach and thighs.
A myriad of cut marks, both new and old. Glaring, endless streaks of red. He couldn't remember when he started doing it. He couldn't remember how much pain he did to himself. He just couldn't. But it was his safe haven. It was his escape from the cruel reality of the world.
He remembered wanting to end the pain once and for all and accidentally cut his finger during cooking. He remembered how it hurt. How the blood would seep out of the newly open wound. How numbing it felt. How the painful pleasure when the physical pain was overwhelming him.
Guiding the silvery sharp object to his wrist, he watched the blade pierced through his already wounded skin even more. The red liquid flowing almost instantaneously as his arm shook.
Pain.
Oh, how he longed for the pain to numb his senses but...
It wasn't enough.
He wanted more.
So that was what he would do.
He placed the metal on his skin, touching it softly before quickly ran the blade across his arm, watching more of the blood pour out of the slashed skin.
No... You shouldn't do this...
The same voice that comforted him, the voice that was always protecting him from the others pleaded. But Ren didn't listen for he was too long gone in search for numbness.
Ren's breathing was shallow. His whole body shivering at both the pleasure and pain, the blade grazing ever so slightly on his skin.
He needed more.
Slash.
He needed more.
Then do it.
Slash, slash.
Make it hurt.
More.
Do it.
Slash.
But it's still not enough.
Another slash.
And another.
Not enough.
He needed more.
Slash.
More.
That's right.
More.
Slash, slash, slash.
Hurt yourself.
More.
Slash, slash, slash.
No one loves you.
Slash, slash.
More.
Slash.
Your existence is a waste.
More.
Slash, slash.
You're no one.
More!
Slash, slash, slash, slash.
Coward.
Slash, slash, slash, slash, slash, slash.
More!
Slash, slash, slash, slash,
slash, slash, slash,
slash, slash, slash.
Now, bleed!
More!
Bleed you pathetic piece of shit!
Slashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslash.
MORE!
BLEED TO YOUR DEATH!
And soon enough, the shutters would come down, his emotion walled off behind a mask of coping. He would just wear it until everything was right again, he didn't know another way.
Besides... Is it better to rack yourself with noisy sobs and let the world know of your pain were no one would care to even bat an eye at you, leaving you to deal with it alone or slowly release your emotion within yourself with silent tears where you cant get hurt even more so by the cruel reality the world is today?
Notes:There's a reason why I named him Kaiji but I aint gain'tagainst :3
Also wanna hug Renren so badly, I feel awful for making him weak TT but he needs to for the story to go on ｡ﾟ(ﾟДﾟ)ﾟ｡