Typical Disclaimers Apply

A/N: First order of business: Snape is not on Dumbledore's side right yet. I believe he joins him only after Lily's death.

Second, I've been thinking of writing a story that would be a prequel to my Esme Slain stories. It wouldn't have any of the meddlesome romance that took over the last, oh, four stories. It would just be Esme, Snape, Tonks, Gilderoy Lockhart, and regular dueling classes. I haven't got a title yet, so if anyone has any ideas, please tell me. Please let me know if you think it'll be a good idea!

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"So," Voldemort said, rocking on his heels, "did you get me my information?"

"Well, being that you didn't ask for anything specific, no," Snape shrugged as everyone else flinched.

"YOU HAVE FAILED ME!" he roared. "I give you one, simple little task; sneaking into a poorly guarded castle, and you fail miserably!" Everyone stepped away from him.

"We did get some information!" Bella simpered.

"Oh really?"

"Yes! Dumbledore wants to use elm for that tables rather than oak!"

"Oho! So he's an environmentalist!"

"No, I think the school's just low on funds."

"Oh."

Voldemort turned his back on the group and bowed his head. Deep in the tresses of his mind, he began to wonder. He wondered if hiring teenagers was truly in his best interest. He wondered if he should just quit magic and go into the business world. They seemed to hate the Beatles as much as he did.

"My Lord?" Lucius asked tentatively.

"Be gone."

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"I guess we really screwed up this time," Narcissa said softly as they left the meeting house.

"I feel so dirty, so shamed. How do you deal with this, Snape?" He glared at Bella.

"I loathe you."

"You know," Lucius mused. "When my father upset my mum, he'd always by her a gift to make it up to her. It led to the collapse of their marriage, but none of us have married him."

"Yet." They all stared at her. "What? He's an attractive man!"

"So," Narcissa said in an attempt to steer the focus away from her sister, "what should we buy him?"

"He likes instruments."

"Absolutely not. Why don't we just go to one of those Muggle mega-markets and buy him some stuff?"

"Well that's an, um, idea."

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The moment they walked into the mega-market, Bella's nose curled up like something horrible-smelling had been placed directly under it. Her eyes went down to the linoleum floor and then flitted over the brightly colored displays and cheerful assistants.

"So," Narcissa said, taking in the view, "why don't we split up? I'll take Lucius, and Bella, you and Snape can go find something too!"

Bella turned to tell her sister off, only to see her running down the aisle with Lucius in hand. "I guess it's just you and me. You must often beg for forgiveness. What do you buy?"

"I've never begged, Bellatrix."

"Fine. Whatever you say."

"Let's start out in Tupperware."

"Why would the Dark Lord need Tupperware?"

"Everyone needs Tupperware. Then we can get him some dish towels."

"You are quite possibly the worst gift giver I've ever met."

Many, many hours later…

"So, what'd you get him?" The four had met up in the front of the store. So far they'd terrorized six different "helpful" assistants ("Now, really, if we'd wanted your help would we have stuffed you in that refrigerator?"), stolen candy from children, and bought several crappy gifts.

"We got him a set of monogrammed dish towels…"

"Those aren't his initials."

"Shut up Lucius. You don't get the right to speak your mind simply because you're marrying my sister. Now, we also got him this nice set of plastic cases that won't break if you drop it out of a third story window!"

"How do you know?"

"We tested it," Snape smirked.

"This is a one-story building…"

"Don't ask questions, Lucius!"

"All right, all right."

"What did you two get him?"

"Ooh!" Narcissa squealed. "We got him a ton of really cool stuff!" She began pulling items out of a bag, starting with a tube of green Halloween makeup. "We got him this lovely foundation that matches his skin just perfectly! And here's the eye shadow we got him; I think it'll really bring out his eyes." She pulled out a horrible orange, green, and pink sweater. "We got him this too; his house seems so cold! And this lovely manicure set; have you seen his nails? They're horrible! Oh, and a microwave!" Bella and Snape stared at her in disbelief.

"Wow," Bella shook her head, "between your gifts and our gifts, he may very well kill us all."

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Bella, Snape, Lucius, and Narcissa waited anxiously by the front door. They'd rung it twice, and it didn't sound like he was coming. Narcissa began to fret. "He never leaves the house! Oh, I hope he's not still mad at us!"

Snape stared at her for a moment, and then turned the knob.

"It's not locked."

They all walked in: Narcissa shaking, Bella rolling her eyes at her sister, Lucius attempting to comfort his wife, and Snape carrying an armload of gifts. The reached a room where only a crack of light and the sound of a thousand dying pianos reached their ears. Lucius knocked hesitantly.

"My Lord?"

"Come in."

They entered slowly and crowded by the doorway. Voldemort kept playing his music until Snape thought that his head may possibly explode. Finally, he turned around and said, "My, my. What have we here?"

"We brought gifts!" Bella blurted.

"Oh really?" Snape handed over the bags, and, slowly, Voldemort began to unwrap them, saying things like, "Ah, yes, this will come in handy," or, "Pink! Why, pink's my favorite color! How did you know?" When he finished, he looked over the group, focusing in on Snape and Bella. "So, did my plan work?"

"Your plan?" they said together.

"Yes, my plan."

"Well, you got some Tupperware…"

"No! I mean my plan to get you two together! I've been in this business a long time, and I know that people who have—ahem—significant others, tend to be a lot happier."

"I'm not following," Bella said flatly as Snape went very, very pale.

"I mean to say that very few of my Death Eaters are single. I don't like it when people are single; I think everyone needs a mate. Therefore, I have been planning to get you, Severus, and you, Bellatrix, together. So you may date and populate the world with many children."

"But My Lord!" Snape began. "Bella and I detest each other!"

"Oh," his face fell. "I suppose that changes things. Yes, I definitely don't want to force two people who loathe one another to stay together. Hmm," he tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose I'll have to find a suitable husband for Bella. Snape, you, being a man, should be able to find a suitable woman on your own." With that, he walked swiftly out of the room, leaving the four young adults on their own. Bella turned and glared at Snape.

"One day I shall kill you."

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A/N: Please give me some feedback on the prequel idea!