A/N: Oh dear god. Caught In The Middle, the story where I was literally high with happiness over the wonderful reviews of the also AMAZING Locarian-Mode, whose story Rising is basically my IDOL STORY for this section. I love ya, girlie. You are tooooooo fricken amazing to describe with words that would make sense to mortals. -nods-
Caught In The Middle
By Have Faith In Yourself
It was one of his happier times, the times when he could sink into his insanity and just roam through the forests with his dagger in one hand and several berries in the other. It was these times when he feared no retributions for any actions he made, mistakes he stumbled into or dinos he hurt. He didn't want to leave its sheltering safety, the safety the insanity brought him, because deep down he knew that it would never last long enough for him.
But at the same time, being insane all the time wasn't something he wanted; it would take all the meaning out of what he had accomplished in his stay down in Dinotopia. And he didn't want to be completely sane, either, where he was vulnerable and weak to the old thoughts and memories. It was an odd feeling when he actually thought about it, caught between wanting sanity and insanity.
The confusion to it all often made him not want to think about it. But there were times, late at night when he would stare at Lava falls in whatever tree he had taken roost in, and hum a lullaby he barely remembered from before his time in Dinotopia. His sanity would come forward, and he would be caught in a current of emotions that often sent him to sleep with tears forming in his remaining eye.
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme…
Herbs he had come to know well in his home below the ice, herbs to heal, numb, strengthen… If they were meant to heal and strengthen, why did he feel so broken and weak whenever he thought of them?
Being pulled in two directions was a feeling he had grown accustomed to whenever he thought of the lullaby, or what he really wanted. He realized often in quiet moments that he didn't really know what he wanted.
But whenever he sat down to consider his wants, they never made any sense and always left him feeling empty. Something was missing from his explanation of what he wanted, and it left him miserable and denying all that he said.
Insanity was a wall that the thoughts couldn't get through, a wall he retreated behind as much as he could. He would let the insanity step forward whenever he needed to clear his mind and take time away from the thoughts his sanity brought him. He could never fully face the thoughts, so they stayed there, strengthening as his confusion over them grew.
Yes, he was very accustomed to being pulled in two directions. Sanity pulling one end of the rope, insanity – and what he viewed as safety – tugging on the other. His memories of life before Dinotopia were clouded and vague, hidden so he wouldn't have to suffer for them.
His happy time in insanity was his release from the stress he felt otherwise. And whenever that happy time ended…
The berries dropped slowly out of his hand and his jaunty step slowed to a stop as the happiness that had held him seeped away again, despite his wishes to bring it back. He hated the sadness that his sanity always brought. The… the stuck feeling that he always felt in his heart.
He climbed up a tree and sighed as he looked over his world again as it darkened, becoming the nightly face he connected with. The soft glow from lava falls illuminated the pale tan fur on his muzzle, and he turned his gaze there as he would so many other nights. Tears accompanied the first few notes he hummed softly, and he didn't try to stop them as he would any other night.
He turned his attention on his thoughts as he continued singing under his breath, examining his feelings with all the strength he had. He wouldn't retreat from his thoughts tonight. It hurt a lot to confront them, but now that he thought about it, it hurt just as much to put them off. Another instance where he was pulled in two directions.
He really felt like the dinosaur faced with two pieces of meat, both the same size and both the same distance away. When he couldn't make a decision, it would eventually be his downfall.
He'd make the decisions once an for all if it cost him everything he had left. He didn't want to be stuck in the middle one more time.
His chest ached with his tears as he thought this, still singing softly.
He was always caught in the middle. Surface, or Dinotopia? Manny and his friends, or Rudy? Safety from his hurts… or facing them once and for all?
His voice trailed off on the last few notes as he lowered his gaze from Lava falls.
Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme…
He closed his eye and sighed one more time, "Guess that's the issue, then." He whispered to himself. "I'm always stuck in the middle."
His eye wandered closed as he thought it over, and his mouth curled into a small content smile as his mind finally came to the thought, Guess that's just who I am. Wandering a razors edge of oblivion, caught in between sanity and insanity, traversing the path between life and death every day… with a past on the surface but a future in Dinotopia.
And friends on both counts.
The low rumbling from far off reached his ears to punctuate the thought, and with that his thoughts drifted into other more familiar topics, such as Rudy and his wife, the ugly pineapple, until finally he fell asleep contented.