Sokka
When she says it, "Toph is back", it's like time doesn't crawl forward. It stalls, just long enough for me to choke on my spit before it trips me and flies by. I think I haven't heard her right and I don't react quick enough.
"What?"
"Toph is back," Katara says again, and maybe I look as sick as I feel, because she raises a brow, puts a hand on her hip, like she does whenever she knows I'm keeping something from her. I look away.
But Katara is smarter than that.
"Are you-?"
I drop the plate I'm drying before she can ask me what's wrong. Katara jumps. I curse. In the living room, Tenzin wails and Aang calls for my sister.
"Ewwwwwwww!" Bumi and Kya chorus from the hallway.
Katara shakes her head at the floor. I almost feel guilty. Alright, I do. It's one of the plates from the authentic Northern Water Tribe set she received from the Chief as a wedding gift.
"I got it, I got it-" I wave her away. Really. I got it.
"But you-"
"I got it." I repeat. I don't think. Just move.
"Is something wrong?" Katara is annoyed, suspicious. She can see it, she always can and has always been able to. But this time, she hasn't figured out what it is. Yet.
I wave her away and tell her she's blocking the trash can.
"Katara! Help?" Aang calls again, and he wanders into the kitchen holding Tenzin at arm's length. Katara forgets about picking me apart. Aang's front is covered in baby vomit. Tenzin squirms and yells, while Aang's face falls. Katara starts laughing.
"I told you," she scolds, taking Tenzin, "No tossing him in the air after he eats."
"He thinks it's funny," Aang sulks.
"Is it funny now?" Katara chides. Aang looks abashed, but he grins in a way that reminds me of when he was twelve. I start laughing. I look away from Katara until she seems to forget.
She does. For a little while.
We spend the evening playing a new board game Kya can't get enough of.
"You be the Boulder, Uncle," she instructs, and Aang snickers, patting her on the head. Bumi is too busy staring at the other pieces, taking extreme care to pick his character. It's serious business, picking someone to be stuck with for the entire game. Katara's wandered off to put Tenzin to bed, and I'm relieved, because for once I can't feel her stare burning the back of my neck. I think I actually started to sweat.
"But I wanna be-"
"The Boulder," says Kya firmly, setting the little likeness of the wrestler down on the table with a little smack, and the way she says it reminds me so much of Katara. My shoulders sag in defeat. There is no winning. Aang starts laughing and clasps my shoulder.
"That's the bad luck piece. Everyone who plays with the Boulder loses."
And he's right. I lose four times in a row.
"You know," says Aang conversationally as the kids start to squabble (Kya is trying force the Boulder on Bumi), and they stop pestering each other to look at him.
"Uncle and I met the Boulder once."
"Woah." Bumi is impressed.
"Are you lying?" asks Kya with narrowed eyes.
"Nope! Aunt Toph kicked his butt." Aang gets up and makes a show of it. He can't get her blank look right-that placid I'm-going-to-bury-you look that scares the shit out of the most composed Triple Threat. On Aang it looks like he's going to explode if he has to keep his face straight for two more seconds. I think of Toph, and their laughter fades away. I wonder, if I catch a boat out and head to the city, if she'll be in that house. In her room. Maybe she thought of me. Maybe she didn't. I wonder if I head over to the stand that sells sweet fried dough in the morning, if I'll see her walking over, like she did every morning for the past forever when she was here. I wonder if she knows what she'll do when we cross paths. Maybe she hasn't thought about it at all.
I can't stop imagining it.
Aang is still pretending to be Toph. Bumi ends up on the ground in a fit of hysterics. Kya insists on being Toph, so everyone and stinky older brothers move aside! Before Bumi has a chance to realize Kya has insulted him, Katara calls to them from down the hall. It's time for bed. The kids groan and flop onto the couch, like it's the worst thing in the world. They start shrieking when Aang gets creative and lifts them up with eddies of wind that speeds them to their rooms. The kids squeal. Bumi decides he wants to be daring and jumps off his in an attempt to sail right into his room and stick a landing. He crashes into the wall, missing his door by inches.
There's a thud ("Shit,") and we look at each other and cringe, before Aang shoots off, panicked, to help Bumi to his feet and check for a bloody nose.
"AAAAANG!" Katara complains from down the hall.
"AGAIN!" Kya yells.
"That. Was. AWESOME!" Bumi hollers as Aang blanches and tilts his son's head back, wiping the blood dripping down his chin with a sleeve and trying to sneak him to the bathroom before Katara sees.
Tenzin cries.
I smile from my spot on the couch as Aang hurries away with Bumi. I listen for a while. To the water running. To Katara sighing ("You know what? I don't want to know."). To my sister and Aang tucking the kids in, walking to their room and closing the door after. They talk softly to each other, and after a while, everything is quiet.
The guest bedroom is waiting for me, but I never rise to meet it. The dark closes in, drapes the corners save for the patch of floor by the kitchen light. I'm alone and there's nothing to do but think about what I'm getting myself into. What I've done. What I'm thinking about doing.
I think about Suki and hope she's sleeping.
I think about Toph.
And hope she isn't.
I think until I don't want to know much of anything and fall asleep, frustrated with it. I toss. I turn. By the time the sky begins to lighten, I already know what I'm going to do.
I just hope Toph doesn't kill me for it.
I'm dressed, washed, and out the door before even Aang wakes. The walk to the boat is quiet, cool. The beach makes me think of other days, afternoons with Touya spent plucking seashells out of the sand. He'd squeal when the waves lapped at his toes. I walk faster. There's an old fisherman leaning by the dock, picking his teeth, and he grins when he sees he has a customer.
"If you get sick, do it over the boat. Not on it, or five euons extra," says the fisherman, before steadying himself and slowly working his arms in circular motions. The boat begins to bob. He bends his knees, then the waves, his arms circling faster, faster, until the boat takes off. I watch the dark water split from the boat and foam white. I'm the only one on board.
It's not going fast enough.
When we hit the shore, I pay him and he looks disappointed that he didn't get those five extra euons. I try to slow down as I walk into the city. Relax. But I can't. I don't take my time. I don't stop to consider breakfast. I don't pause to smile at the shopkeeper who grins at me and says, "Good morning, Councilman!".
I take a turn near the Justice building, down a neighborhood street. It's an older part of the city. The houses hardly stand a foot from each other, patchwork make-up and a rainbow of colors. I slow down. I haven't walked down this street in a long time. Toph lives in the heart of the neighborhood, where you can see the Justice Building rising over the roofs of houses from her bedroom window.
She always thought it was funny.
A satomobile rumbles down the road, blowing dust and vapor. I stand aside, and when I look up, I see the house.
It's yellow. It has a dead garden box in the front window. It hasn't changed a bit. For a long moment, I just stare at the door, at the stone steps leading up to it. I take a deep breath.
I'm going to do this.
I march to the door and rap sharply on it. I'm sure she's probably asleep, and I keep knocking before I lose my nerve. I stop when I hear her yell at me from inside.
"YOU BREAK MY DOOR AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING THAT'S GONNA BREAK!"
Toph doesn't take threats lightly, so I decide I like my fingers and limbs and wait. I try to ignore what hearing her voice for the first time in a year is doing to me. Making my heart pump too fast. My throat go dry.
All I can think about is why she would leave without a trace. Why she would come back now.
There's no time to wonder what I'm going to say (because I didn't think that far ahead beyond 'get on the boat' and 'knock on the door' anyway). The door swings open violently.
Only Toph can make the act of opening a door so scary.
"WHAT?" she snarls, and all I can do is stare. Her face is pale. There are shadows under her eyes, which are red-rimmed and puffy. Her hair is a mess, wild and untamed and knotted, framing her face like brambles.
Then I see her, and my heart clenches painfully in my chest. There's a baby in the crook of Toph's arm, her little fists pumping angrily in the air as she starts to yell. Her head is dusted with downy black hair. I don't know what she's more upset about-that the sling she's wrapped in is starting to tangle, or that the dress she's stuck in as a starched frilly collar that rubbing at her cheeks. Her eyes are squeezed shut. She goes red and ruddy with her next wail. My world collapses before clumsily pulling itself back together again.
How could she do this to me? is the only thought I can process.
"Spit it out, Katara. I've had a really long night and I really don't feel like-"
"Toph?"
She stiffens, freezing in her doorway. For a moment the only sound is the baby wailing. I can't decide if I'm relieved to see her, happy that she's back, or if I feel betrayed. Angry. So angry.
I'm not sure what I was going to say, because I never had the chance to find out. Toph slams the door shut as I take a step forward and it clips me in the face. I yelp, curse, my face throbbing.
Just like old times.
Thankfully, she didn't break my nose this time.
"DAMMIT!" I wipe my nose on my arm, pinching it and tilting my head back.
"Open the door, Toph!" I try not to think about how I don't sound that intimidating with my nose plugged. She doesn't answer. I groan, wipe my nose again, and take another step toward the door to knock on it again.
"Toph! I'll stand out here all day if I have t-ARGH!" The stones that make up her steps shift and undulate, throwing me off her little porch and out into the street. I land hard on my ass.
"Okay," I cry, getting up. Fair enough. "Okay! I'll stand over here all day if I have to!"
"Quiet down over there!" A little old woman is poking her head out of her second story flat in the little complex squatting next to Toph's house. She scowls at me, her nightcap still on. I ignore her.
"Toph-!"
"Keep it down or I'll call the police!"
I look up and bark out a short laugh. "Go ahead! She IS the police!" I gesture wildly to Toph's door. The old woman glares daggers before ducking back inside, shutting her window with a snap.
I pass the morning pacing. Once, I got daring and stepped up the porch. But Toph must be waiting by the door, because I'm thrown again. So I wait by the curb on the sidewalk. By early afternoon, the door opens, and I'm so surprised I stumble over my own feet and have to grip onto the steps' metal railing.
"Thirty seconds," Toph hisses.
I stare at her. "Is...is she mine?" I ask finally, dread pooling in my gut. I can't decide what would be worse: if the answer is no, or if Toph really kept something like this from me.
When she doesn't answer, I grit my teeth, and my voice growls out low. "Is she mine-?"
"Who says she's yours, Sokka?" is the venomous reply, and then the door shuts. I'm stunned. I stand there gaping for a second before I walk up, damn the consequences, and knock on the door. Loudly.
"Hey! Hey, I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me-!"
"I SAID QUIET DOWN THERE!"
"ARGGHHH!"
The little old lady next door opens her window and dumps a pot of fish guts in a stinking shower. I holler, disgusted, spitting and gagging and picking a fish head off my shoulder.
"Hooligan! I said I'd call the police!"
"THEN CALL THEM ALREADY, YOU OLD BAT!"
It's Huang who opens my cell door an hour later. He's looking at me like he can't decide if this is all incredibly funny, or if I'm really that stupid. He unlocks the barred door, opening it, crossing beefy arms and peering at me through narrowed eyes. He's always looked like some sort of fighter from the ring. Tall, beastly, like he can break you in half with a fist. Short cropped hair that's gone silver around the edges, a hard square jaw peppered in stubble. Toph's kind of right hand man. Just as scary as she is.
"Let's go," he says. I sigh, ass practically numb from sitting on this cold stone bench. I wonder if this will get out, because the Council will have a field day with it.
I thank him for opening the door, get up and walk out.
"You're walkin' a fine line," Huang finally says, and I pause to look up at him. He cracks his knuckles. I blink.
"Don't think I don't know."
I stare at him, frowning. I try to ignore the stab in my gut when I realize Huang knows more than I do. "Are you threatening me-?"
"You're in over your head."
I snort. "I'm always in over my head."
Huang leans in a little and whispers, "If you can't set it straight and make up your goddamned mind, I'll escort you myself next time. Councilman or not. And yeah, yeah I am. It's a damn shame. I kinda liked you." He winks, and opens the door that connects the hallway to the holding cells to the Justice Building. He smiles as I walk out.
Someone waves to me, calls out a greeting, I only nod, not trusting myself to say anything. I don't really notice anything else anyway.
I'm a father again.
Late afternoon has cast long shadows on the road by the time I return to Toph's. I sit down on a stone step and wait. Don't even knock. I know I don't have to. She probably already knows I'm here.
I wait.
The sun sets. I kick a ball back to a group of kids playing a game of soccer, with a little earthbending twist to spice it up. Sometimes I try talking to Toph through the door. I haven't broken a bone yet, so I guess that's a good sign.
I hear the baby begin to cry again, and I frown, but it turns into a small smile when Toph curses. She must be close to the door.
"Toph-" I start to say, when another nosy neighbor peeks out.
"OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, LADY, JUST LET HIM IN!"
"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF LISTENING TO HIS WHINING!" Another shouts.
"DON'T BE HEARTLESS! HE OBVIOUSLY LOOOOVES YOU!" a woman cries, cringeworthy enough to be a scene from one of the cheap romance novels on a market kiosk.
I bang my forehead against the door. By now it's evening. "Toph!" I whine. Suddenly, the door swings open, and I fall into the house with a shout and a plop, my chin skimming the floor. I stand with a groan. The baby is still crying, I notice, as I get to my feet.
The house is dark, and I grope around, feeling for the wall and a nearby lamp. I sigh when it doesn't work.
She doesn't have any use for it anyway.
"Shhh. Shhh. Shhh."
I pause, looking over, squinting in the dark, and I see her silhouette by the window in the room over, bouncing with the baby. She's turned away from me. I want, so badly, to approach her. But I wait.
I want to step closer. I wonder if the baby will look like Touya, but the thought hurts more than I expect it to, and a part of me hopes I can't see him in this new face.
"Can...can I see her?"
Toph doesn't say anything at first. She keeps bouncing, rocking on her heels.
"Toph-"
"Shup up, Sokka," she growls. "I'm trying to think!" Her voice cracks. The baby is screaming now, and Toph visibly cringes when she goes silent, taking a deep breath before exploding. I wince.
I get bold, edge closer. "Here let me-"
"Here!" Toph snaps, turning to face me, and I gently lift the baby into my arms. Toph is crying, trying not to show it. I know the look on her face. I've seen it on Suki when those newborn days seemed to blend into one long night. I've seen in on my sister. I remember when Bumi was born, because that boy could scream and the colic made his new world seem like a mess of pain. I remember Katara was exhausted, and how the colic sapped her of strength those first few weeks.
I swear, she really did almost bite my head off once.
The baby stretches out against my chest, fighting me. She doesn't know me. Doesn't know my scent, the sound of my voice, the feel of my skin. She's scared.
"It's alright…" I rub her bare back, start walking around the living room, maneuver her so her little chin is resting my shoulder. She shudders, whimpers, gums the cloth on my shoulder, but seems to like the new view.
She's soft. She has that sweet milk smell that all new babies seem to have. I breathe in again, and she gurgles until she grows silent, finally starting to sleep. That's when I pull her back to look at her.
She has Toph's nose.
"Were you going to keep her from me?" I don't look away from her. Toph doesn't speak, not right away. I hear the shuffle of her footsteps, see her shadow wander away, pausing to plop down on her couch.
I already know the answer, and my anger is bitter. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth, makes me grind my teeth until my jaw aches, like I'm chewing on all the words I want to say but won't, because it'll only make things worse.
The baby sighs in her sleep, a soft little hiccough, and she scowls, so much like Toph. Despite everything, it makes me crack a smile.
"What were you going to tell her?" I wonder after a while, "When she was finally old enough to realize she didn't have a father? That I was a one-night stand? A stranger? Dead?"
Toph grunts, her head lolling as she cracks her neck with a weary sigh. "Oh, please."
"You had no right to keep her from me-"
Toph "You could have come looking for me. If you really wanted to know why I never came back. Not my problem you have a wife to look after." That relaxed posture is gone. She's rigid, her chip of shadow poised on the edge of the couch, hunched over in a way that makes me think of Interrogation rooms and grim smiles. Coffee gone cold on the desks, and us, pressed against the wall.
"I left Suki." It comes out softer, quieter, than I thought it would. I hold the baby closer when she fidgets.
"That right?" muses Toph, like she's only mildly interested. "When'd you do that?"
I can feel a little bit of control ebb away. I almost don't speak, because suddenly the answer seems grim. Laughable. Maybe it is. "Yesterday."
Toph laughs on cue. It's a cruel, mocking sound. "Yesterday," she repeats, and she claps. "Only took you another year."
It's not a truth I want to face right now. I don't rise to her bait. "What's her name?" I ask instead. Toph stretches on the couch and ignores me.
"What's-"
"Lin," she says, talking over me.
Lin. I drink her in, watch her face, her lips suck at air as she dreams of milk. I look at her until I can see her face when I close my eyes.
I don't want to forget.
"It's getting late," Toph says. I don't say anything.
"Don't make me throw your ass out of this house, Sokka," she warns.
I leave her words hanging in the corner along with Toph and all the memories I thought would surface when I saw her again. I run a finger along Lin's cheek. Watch her a little longer before I hand her to Toph's waiting arms.
"I'm coming back tomorrow."
She doesn't speak until I open the door to leave.
"Fine."
It's more than I hoped she'd say.