Part 4
Liz
It's the feather light kiss against my temple that rouses me. I mumble slightly, then snuggle deeper into Max's arms, aware that a slightly goofy smile has crossed my face in my dozy state. I am on the verge of falling back asleep, when I suddenly become aware of the insistent tattoo of my husband's heart under my ear.
Something's wrong. I can tell. While I am aware that Max's heart often beats more quickly in my presence (and mine does so right back), this is not that kind of rapid heartbeat. The stiffness with which he's holding himself under me reinforces this.
I shift slightly, opening my eyes, and meeting Max's in the dull light of the single lamp I left burning when I collapsed on the bed upon my arrival home from my appointment. I had been too tired to even tell anyone I had returned, sending Tom to let everyone know I'm back.
Tom's the bodyguard Max insists must accompany me everywhere outside the compound. I have given in on that one, because really, I am sensible, and I'm no hero. If it gives Max one less thing to worry about, Tom following me around, I'm all for it. Plus, I don't really want to become some kind of bargaining chip for the other side by allowing myself to be kidnapped or killed anyway.
It's a dangerous life we all lead, and I have every intention that we will all survive this war. If bodyguards help ensure that, particularly alien-powered bodyguards, then so be it.
"What's wrong?" I ask softly, reaching out to brush a stray lock of dark hair off Max's forehead. He is looking serious - even then more serious than is usual for my husband - which sends a chill down my spine.
He doesn't answer right away, instead asking a question of his own. "Are you feeling okay?" He kisses me lightly on the lips. As he leans in, I take advantage of the moment to inhale deeply, enjoying the scent of good clean soap, and something else that is inherently Max. I feel the fear recede slightly.
Whatever it is, as long as we have each other, we'll survive it. Max is here, right now, and all is right with my world.
"Yeah," I reply. "Just tired." I glance away momentarily. Because "just tired" is a little misleading, and I don't want him to read the evasivness I am sure is written all over my face. I'm a terrible liar, especially with Max. But I'm not quite sure yet how I feel about the news I learned today. And, until I am, I need to keep it to myself. Because it is going to be just one more worry to add to the lion's share that Max is already dealing with. And before I tell him, I need to know what I want to do.
Of course, Max is not fooled. "You've been tired a lot lately," he says, worried. Always worried. My poor Max. I lay my head on his chest, sighing. He reaches up and strokes my hair, which was my intent. Not only do I love when he does it, but it always calms him down. I can feel his heart steadying under my ear, and smile slightly to myself.
This is the best part about being married to Max. Knowing each other so well. I just adore it. But it does make it a little difficult to keep a secret.
So I change the subject.
"What's wrong?" I repeat.
There is a long pause. I raise my head again. "Max, what is it?"
"It's Tess," he finally says simply. I can feel his eyes scanning my face intently, waiting for my reaction. I know I can't hide the shock that must be reflected clearly for him to see.
Tess. I almost can't believe it.
It really shouldn't be this shocking. I mean, I knew somewhere in my heart that she would be back one day. She had to come back. I always knew that she would…that she was out there somewhere.
We all knew that she never made it back to Antar - our new alien allies told us that when Larek brought them to Earth. We knew she wasn't dead, because Ava said she wasn't when she finally rejoined us a couple of years ago. And Ava knows things. She's always known lots of things that the rest of us don't. She doesn't always share. I think that she is aware that some of us still don't entirely trust her, and so she keeps some secrets locked away to use for leverage when needed.
This lack of trust for Ava doesn't include me - I've always trusted Ava, which I know is the height of irony considering she looks exactly like my biggest enemy. But some of the others…Michael, Isabel…yes, even Max, in spite of having known for a while that Tess wasn't the completely evil person we took her for five years ago…can't get past that she looks so much like Tess.
Of course, the confusion of this is only made even more complete by the fact that what we found out about Tess and her baby a couple of years ago made it clear that Tess never really trusted any of us either.
And now she's back. And somehow trust has to enter the equation again. Because Tess returning is only the first step towards taking back our lives completely.
"God." It is all I can say. I have no other words. My mind is whirling in a million directions, but it's also blank.
Finally, after another long silence, I ask quietly, "Why now?"
"Her son," Max replies softly. "Her son brought her back."
I can almost hear the pain of it in his voice. Her son. Not his. We have known that Tess's baby was not Max's for more then two years, and he still mourns the loss. It wounds me in a way, but it also reassures me.
Max is steadfast in his love. He cannot turn it off and on at a whim. He loved Tess's baby for a long time, and he loves her son still. We have never discussed it, but I know that, in his heart, that child still belongs to him.
I feel a momentary pang of fear. Because I cannot imagine that Tess does not wish that it were true. Not based on what we know about how her son was really conceived. I understand perfectly why she lied five years ago, and, even if I hate her for it - for hurting Max, for almost tearing me and Max apart over it - I cannot blame her.
I cannot blame her. And I can't say that, in those circumstances, I might not have done exactly the same thing.
Understanding doesn't mean that forgiveness came right away. And forgiveness doesn't mean that suspicion isn't still there.
But, in the end, if Alex could forgive her, then who was I to say that I could not?
Three years ago…
"Can we talk about this?"
It's Alex. I heard him approach, but didn't turn my head when he came to sit on the swing next to mine. After Zan told me and Serena what he told us…and after Alex confirmed that he'd known it all along…I just needed to get away. I know it wasn't the "Liz" thing to do. I know I should have gone to Max to comfort him - because he's going to need it, now that Zan has told us that he fathered Tess's son - that the baby wasn't Max's. But I just can't. Not yet.
I am too angry. I am furious at my best friend, and I don't quite know if I'll be able to get over it.
I know that leaving the compound has no doubt just added to Max's worries, which I feel bad about. I didn't go far though. Just to the playground down the street from the house we all live beneath. And now Alex has joined me, probably to explain how he could have kept a secret of this magnitude for this long. When he had to know how much it would mean to Max - how much it would have meant to /ImeI - to know the truth.
How could he do this?
How can I ever forgive him for this?
I know intellectually that I should be happy. My secret dream - the one I have tried to hide for years - has come true. Tess's baby isn't Max's. He is Zan's, because Zan forced himself on Tess in New York. It happened when Rath and Lonnie stole her away after they tried to murder Max. When killing Max failed, they set in motion Plan B. While he was supposed to be dead, Zan was ensuring that Max lost his place as king once and for all by impregnating Max's queen. Zan's death had all been a ruse, designed by Zan, Lonnie, and Rath to steal the Roswellian Four Square's rightful places on the throne of Antar.
The Dupes never understood that being the destined rulers of Antar was about so much more then being the first to produce an heir. The Antarians had endured three generations of civil war. They were not looking for just any king. They were looking for Max, Isabel, Michael, and the close bond between them. The plan hadn't worked anyway, because Tess had never made it back to Antar, nor had the Dupes. We had Zan in custody, after all.
But that still left Tess with a baby she did not know how to deal with, other then to lie. Tess was a victim. Raped, used, and ultimately torn away from her family, because of her own desperation to protect her child, and her inability to trust that we would help her if we knew the truth.
And Alex hid it all. He's known since the day Ava saved him. And he never told anyone.
"There's nothing to talk about," I say quietly.
"Can I try to explain?"
I turn my head to look at him. I know that my eyes are blazing, and Alex flinches slightly. "Do you hate her that much, Alex? Really?"
He looks at me steadily. "Yes."
"She was raped!" My hatred for Tess is already starting to dissipate, as I think about what she must have gone through. She hurt Max. She hurt me. She hurt Alex. But the desperation she must have felt…I feel a shiver descend my spine, happy that I know I have never, nor will I ever, feel that alone.
Alex sees my sympathy for his enemy, and he reaches out to grab my hand, making me look at him.
"I know what happened to her, Liz. But does that justify what she did to me? It's like she did the same thing to me, Liz," he continues fiercely. "Do you have any idea what it's like to have your brain virtually destroyed? To know that you almost lost your life because of someone else? It was like she raped me! She was hurt and she turned around and did the same thing to me!"
His eyes are shining with unshed tears. "I needed you all to hate her as much as I do," he tells me. "I know it's wrong. I know that it's not like me. I'm happy-go-lucky Alex. I get over things. But I can't. Not this. I cannot get over this."
Guilt hits me in a great rush. Because none of this is about Max - or me. How could I have ever thought it was? How selfish am I?
I jump to my feet, throwing my arms around my best friend. He buries his face against my stomach, great sobs heaving through his lanky frame. I stroke his head soothingly. "Oh, Alex. I am so sorry." I make soothing noises, tears streaming down my own face. I am no longer angry, but, instead, horrified.
My poor, poor friend. How could we have forgotten him so completely?
How could we not have known the rage and the hurt that still lived inside this boy - this man? Because he hid it? That was no excuse! How could we all just pretend that none of it had never happened? Because that's what we had done. He had been returned to us, and we had all shouted with the joy of it at the time, but we had forgotten about him. Ava hadn't mindwarped any of us to forget, like she had the town of Roswell, but we had forgotten anyway. We had forgotten about what it must have been like for him.
Because he is Alex. Alex adjusts. Alex doesn't hold onto things. Alex doesn't hold grudges.
Alex is alive. Why shouldn't he forgive Tess?
Why should he?
How unfeeling and stupid were we?
"I feel bad for what happened to her, Liz," Alex says, long moments later, when the storm has passed. "And I want to get over this. I do. But I don't know if I can."
"You can, sweetie. I promise you, you can." I feel him tense slightly, know what he is thinking. "And if you can't, it doesn't matter. You are just as important as she is, Alex. You don't have to forgive her. But you do have to get help for this. You can't live like this, Alex. With this anger and this pain. It's not healthy."
"It's what has kept me sane," he tells me simply. "Hating her has kept me from going over the edge."
And I understand completely. Because I have hated Tess with every fibre of my being for years. It is what kept me from going crazy with grief through Alex's "death," and it is what has gotten me through the years of knowing that as much as Max loves me, he loves someone else more - his son, with her
Now we both need to find something else to keep us sane. Because she no longer deserves to be the focus of our rage and pain. Especially not mine. And Alex needs to move on from his own fury, so that he can actually live the life that has been saved. He has been with us for the last three years, but he hasn't really recovered from what happened. Suddenly his distance from Maria and me (which, I must admit, to my own self-disgust, I have barely noticed, because of being so wrapped up in Max), his lack of interest in Isabel (in spite of strong indications that she is ready to move forward with him, and is only waiting for him to acknowledge her), his lack of concern about going to school, or anything else, is all making perfect sense.
I collapse onto the swing next to Alex, still clutching his hand. I know that I have to help him, but I don't even know where to start.
"Here," he says softly. I look at him, surprised. "You're wondering what to do to fix me, aren't you?" he asks wryly.
I redden. He must think I am so arrogant. That I can fix what he hasn't been able to move on from himself. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," he says firmly. "It's why I said 'here.'"
"I don't get it."
"Here's where we start." He holds aloft our linked hands and smiles slightly.
I squeeze his hand and smile back, through my tears. "Here," I agree.
Max's hand is holding mine as we walk down the street, towards the playground. Tom is several paces behind us, of course, always never far from my side, even when I'm with Max. I actually like it more when Max is with me. Because Tom's alien presence means that Max is safer. I'm sure he doesn't think of it that way, but I do.
Alex told us that Tess and her boyfriend, Charlie, have gone to the park to meet their friends, who have been watching Tess's son since the morning. Charlie's existence has reassured me that Tess has not come back for Max. Isabel told me that Tess is apparently dead gone on him, and that he quite clearly feels exactly the same way.
Maybe losing everything has been the making of Tess Harding. Maybe she was found long before she ever came back to us.
We could have waited for them to get back, but once I get over the shock of Tess's abrupt return, I find I can't wait any longer to see her. And I know that Max feels the same way about her son, Aaron. He hasn't said so, but I know that he still considers the child his.
I find that I want him to. I am no longer scared of Tess's son. He is no threat to me. The way Max feels about him is just further proof of the wonderfulness of the man I have married, and what an amazing father he will be to our child someday. Someday soon.
Because I have made my decision. I will tell Max tonight, about our child, who is already growing inside of me.
I have to believe that Tess coming back now is a sign that this is meant to be. We are growing stronger as a group, the Four Square is now complete, and I have to believe that it means that it is safe to bring a new life into this world - even the dangerous one we inhabit.
Because life goes on. If anything has been learned by Alex's resurrection, and Tess's return, it is that.
We cannot live in fear. Because, if we do, they win.
My husband and I pause near the entrance to the playground, agreeing silently to take stock of the scene before moving forward.
I see Tess's son before I see her. He is on the swing-set, screeching with joy as a dark-haired woman pushes him higher and higher.
My heart starts to thump more quickly in my chest. That small boy is my child's brother. Genetically, in every way that counts, he is.
Max told me that Tess told him that it was Aaron who had brought them back. The little boy had made it so that his lost mother was found on a deserted island of all things. He is special, and he is my baby's brother.
Somehow, I know that he is more then that. He is my baby's salvation.
Watching the little blond boy jump off the swing, at the highest point, and into his mother's arms - my enemy, and, yet, someone I now think I could maybe be friends with - I know for the first time that we are going to win the war against Khivar.
For the first time, I know it absolutely. I rest my hand briefly on my still flat abdomen, then squeeze Max's hand in anticipation.
He looks down at me, his dark eyes shining. He is excited to meet Aaron. I can tell. He doesn't even know the half of the excitement he's in for after today.
It is right then that Tess turns her head and sees us. She is still hugging her son tightly, although he is now struggling to get down. Even in the distance between us, I can see her still. She is like a frightened deer, ready to bolt. A frightened deer with blue eyes I remember as being icy. Somehow I know that they will never seem that way to me again.
Things are about to change. Finally, for the better.
"Ready?" Max asks quietly.
"No," I reply, smiling up at him. "But when has that ever stopped us?"
He smiles back, and then leads me into the park.
The End