Haircut Day
Sloth, singing as she fried eggs on the pan, glanced at the calendar over the stove to see a big red sticker that said, "Haircut Day," over the date.
"Well, if it isn't haircut day," she whispered, then called, "Breakfast's ready!"
The only thing everyone wanted to talk about during breakfast was, of course, the impending haircut. "I don't need one," Envy said. "I can just change my form so my hair is shorter."
"Everyone is getting a haircut," Dante said. "It wouldn't hurt you to try a hairstyle that doesn't make you look like a walking palm tree."
"I'm a little worried about Wrath," Sloth confided. "He gets so wound up when he hears about haircuts."
"So don't tell him," Greed said, staring at his own haircut in a hand-held mirror. He ran his hand through his hair, wondering if he should try a mohawk instead of his spiky array, but then decided not to.
"Don't tell him? What do you mean?"
"Exactly that," Lust said. "Don't tell him where we're going. Give him something to do while the barber does his hair too, so he won't notice until the haircut is done." She took the hand-held mirror from Greed and looked at her own silky, black tresses. "Should I try a bob? Or maybe shoulder length? Hair that goes down to your hips is kind of annoying to brush at night."
"Try brushing mine," Envy grumbled.
"If you don't like your haircut, get another one," Lust retorted.
Wrath chose that moment to come to the kitchen, having smelled eggs and bacon from his room. "Whatcha talking about?" he asked innocently.
"Nothing," Dante said. "Just... my latest evil scheme."
"Oh, cool. Am I a part of it?"
"If you behave."
"Yay! I'm in an evil scheme! Did you hear that, Mommy? I'm in an evil scheme!"
Sloth whispered to Lust, "How am supposed to make sure he doesn't realize what the barber's doing?"
"You're right, that's a challenge. How about you offer him money?"
"Not a chance."
"Ice cream? A new toy? A vacation? Anything!"
"Easier said than done," Sloth replied, watching the boy jump up and down on a couch.
"I'm in an evil scheme! I'm in an evil scheme!"
"What if we blindfold him and tie his ankles and wrists together? That way he won't know until he's done," Greed suggested once Wrath was out of earshot.
"That's kidnapping."
"You're practically his mother. How is that kidnapping?"
"Think of something else."
Greed thought for a moment, than called, "Wrath, come here."
"Yes, Uncle Greedy?"
"Everyone's going to a special place, all right?"
"All right."
The sins and Dante walked down the street, each thinking of ways to contain Wrath when the time came for his haircut. Sloth couldn't think of any styles she wanted, so she decided to leave her hair the way it was, only a few centimeters shorter. Wrath was running five or six yards ahead of them before he would sprint back and start again.
When they reached the barbershop, Sloth was worried that Wrath would realize where they were when he saw the sign. "What's that sign say, Mommy?" Wrath asked.
Sloth thanked her lucky stars that she hadn't taught Wrath how to read yet.
"It says... 'Funnest Place in the World,' Wrath," she lied. Wrath's hair was really long and desperately needed a cut. She was willing to do whatever it took to get him in a barber's chair.
"Okay!" He burst through the door and into the shop, probably expecting to see a playground, but only saw old ladies with their hair being curled and someone shampooing their head. "This place is boring, Mommy," Wrath protested. "The person who wrote the sign lied."
Sloth ignored him because she was listening to Dante's plan. "Here's how it works," Dante said. "Envy is going to have his haircut first. That way, Wrath won't think too much of it when he comes back, because Envy changes his appearance almost daily just for fun."
"Why am I getting a haircut anyway?" Envy interrupted. "It's kind of pointless since I can change shape."
Dante glared at him and continued, "Greed will watch Wrath. When Envy comes back, Greed will have his haircut and stay outside of the room where we'll be keeping Wrath. We'll all have our haircuts, then we'll stay out of the room until it's time for Wrath's. It will probably take three or four of us to get him on the chair, but Sloth will subdue him with... with whatever it is she uses that makes him shut up. Then we shall go home, victorious and conquerors of Wrath's superbly long hair!"
The plan went well. Wrath didn't suspect a thing- until it was time to get him into the chair. "No, Mommy! I don't want to!"
"You have to, sweetie. Everyone gets a haircut on haircut day."
Envy frowned. He had kept his palm-tree haircut, but had cut it much, much shorter. The strands barely went past his chin now, and he decided that it was a rather exotic look for him. "Look, Wrath. You can do this the easy way, or you can do this the hard way. You'll either sit in that chair... or I'LL MAKE YOU!"
"No!"
Greed said, "Uncle Greedy will pay you."
"How much?"
"Fifty dollars."
"Not enough. Two hundred and fifty."
"No way, you little scumbag. What, you trying to rob me?"
Sloth sighed. "Please, Wrath. For Mommy?"
"No!"
Sloth thought for a moment, then offered, "We can go out for ice-cream?"
"No!"
Enough was enough. Dante couldn't stand it anymore. "Wrath, you will get in that chair or so help me, you'll wish you stayed with Izumi Curtis."
Wrath gulped and looked genuinely scared, then got over his fear and replied, "No!"
That did it. The other sins each grabbed a limb and dragged Wrath to the chair while he screamed, kicked, and yelled, attracting the attention of everyone in the barbershop. When they finally reached the chair, Envy produced a length of rope- "I thought it might come in handy,"- and then they tied him to the chair.
"Look," Sloth said to the barber. "He really needs a haircut and he's petrified of barbershops. Do you mind trying to give him a nice, comfortable experience and a haircut he'll absolutely love? I'm willing to pay you more than the normal fee for haircuts."
"That's not necessary. The little guy will love his haircut." The barber walked over to Wrath. "So, kiddo, what kind of haircut do you want?"
"I like the one I have now."
"Look, kid, your mom is paying me to give you a haircut, so I'm giving you a haircut. What type of haircut do you want?"
"I like the one I have now."
The barber turned to Sloth, who had guessed something like this might occur. She opened a magazine and pointed to a man with split bangs that reached his eyebrows and not-too-short-and-perfectly-elegant hair. "This one will do nicely," she said.
The barber nodded, then took out his scissors and grabbed a handful of Wrath's hair. "Whatcha doing, Mister? I told you, I like my haircut."
"Too bad, kid," the barber said, and started snipping.
For the entire length it took to give Wrath his haircut- about fifteen minutes- the barbershop was full of howls and inhumane screams. "Murder! Murder! They're killing my hair! Help! MOMMMMY!"
Lust, who was trying to read a newspaper, looked up at Sloth and glared. "Get the kid to be quiet, will you?" she grumbled.
"I wish I could," Sloth replied.
When the haircut was finished, Wrath stared at the clumps of hair that had fallen onto the floor and began to pick them up. "He's going to try alchemy," Dante groaned. "He wants to absorb the fallen hair and make his haircut the way it was before."
Sloth was on him in seconds. Suddenly, Wrath found himself very wet and his hair was floating away on small rivulets of water. "Mommy!" he cried. "Why did you do that?"
Luckily, no one but the sins knew what truly had soaked Wrath- everyone in the shop was certain it was a broken water pipe. "Let's go home, Wrath," Sloth pleaded. Whether it was the urge to get out of the place that had killed his hair or the begging tone in Sloth's voice, Wrath got off the chair, handed the barber the money for the haircut, then ran out the door.
"He looks rather elegant, actually," Lust said. "Like a little man."
"You look beautiful too," Sloth complimented. "You straightened your hair." It was also shorter, reaching only her shoulders, instead of her hips, like before.
Lust shrugged. "It'll be wavy in a couple of days," she said. "Whatever chemicals those humans put in my hair won't affect it for long. At least it won't grow back overnight."
"That's good," Sloth said.
"Have you seen Gluttony?" Lust asked.
"Oh, he's at home," Dante answered, overhearing.
"That's no fair, Mommy! You said EVERYONE gets a haircut on haircut day! How come Gluttony has no haircut?" Wrath screamed, enraged.
"He has no hair," Greed told him.
"Get him hair!" Wrath said.
He wouldn't relent until Sloth walked into the wig shop, bought a curly wig, and plopped it on Gluttony's head. "Now cut it," he commanded.
Sighing, Dante- who had gotten rid of her bob and traded it for straight hair- took a pair of kitchen scissors and started cutting the wig until it wasn't recognizable.
"Now everyone's had a haircut!" Wrath cried. "Yippee!"
"Let's get you in a bath, and then I'll read you a story," Sloth said.
"Okay!"
A half-hour later, a weary Sloth climbed into bed, tired and having a horrible headache, but a victor. She and the other sins had conquered Wrath's hair.