A/N: Hey guys! You really are the best, your reviews have been so sweet and the motivation to keep me going. So here's part four, I hope some of you are not too disappointed. I am writing an epilogue where there will be many, many faberry scenes. But this is the only way I could see them coming together. They're both strong personalities and I couldn't see them conceding before necessary. Anyway, read, review, let me know what you think. It's been a true joy! I love you guys! Unbetad, all mistakes are mine.
Decision To Decisions Are Made & Not Bought, But I Thought, This Wouldn't Hurt A Lot.
(I Guess Not)
Quinn Fabray is-and once was-many things.
Out of everything she's been and everything she's become, one thing has always remained the same.
She's always been a coward where it counts.
The thing that really gets to Quinn is that Rachel hasn't made an effort to communicate with her.
It's flimsy, Quinn's heart, and even though she knows that this lack of communication is well deserved, Quinn can't help but feel that it's because Rachel doesn't want her anymore.
It makes her angry because she let Rachel take so much from her only for Rachel to leave, just like everyone else.
Quinn doesn't regret what happened, she resents it.
Quinn was sixteen when she stopped hoping that her life could be better.
She knew that birthdays were not cause for real celebrations in her household. Her father always said, "why celebrate the day you were born when you haven't done anything that's worth celebrating?"
Still, for her sixteenth birthday she had hope.
Her father had been secretive and up to something, and her mother had been ingesting far less alcohol than usual. Charlotte had even taken her out dress shopping, so Quinn couldn't really help it when her hopes rose at the notion that she could finally be something special.
She put on her nicest dress, made sure her appearance was impeccable, and Quinn even made the effort to smile. Like, really smile. Not the practiced ones that graced all of her family photographs. No, this smile was free and genuine and without obligation.
Quinn got into a car with her family, her joy practically radiating off of her in waves. Her father drove for what felt like forever, his car finally pulling into the fanciest restaurant in all of Lima. Quinn could barely contain her excitement as her family was seated. She had a speech prepared, a list of thank you's, she had love to share and it was nice to finally get the opportunity to share it.
What followed completely dismantled her.
Her father, his expression taut and stern all at once, looked across the table at Charlotte and smiled. He raised a glass at Charlotte and smiled for what felt like his only genuine moment. "This is to my daughter, the Dean's List at Stanford is quite the accomplishment. Today is quite possibly...the happiest and proudest moment of my life. To Charlotte."
Quinn's eyes flickered away from her father, realization creeping into her brain. This wasn't for her, this was never for her. She wasn't good enough to get any sort of affection. Quinn felt tears sting her eyes and she had to look away, because this moment was practically suffocating her.
As her gaze wandered her eyes skimmed past her mother. Her mother was looking at her, a soft smile on her face, and Quinn realized what it was. It was a smile full of pity because her mother knew-her fucking mother knew- and had simply decided that Quinn wasn't good enough to remember, even today.
Quinn hated her immediately. She hated everything her mother stood for and the lack of self-awareness her mother didn't possess. It was then that Quinn decided she wouldn't need anybody. She'd be damned if she became her mother, she'd be damned if she ever relied on someone else who barely deemed her worthy. She'd be damned if she became as worthless as her mother.
Quinn would be nothing, nothing like her parents.
The praise Charlotte got for a flimsy report card was waves bigger than anything Quinn received that day. The lack of acknowledgement that it was her actual birthday practically made Quinn sick. Her stomach sank and her appetite disappeared. She couldn't eat anything and she couldn't be bothered to try and appear happy.
Her own family had forgotten her birthday. They had treated it as if it was just any other day in history. Her own family had chosen that Quinn wasn't good enough to matter.
It was then, on Quinn's sixteenth birthday, that Quinn decided you can't always get what you want.
You shouldn't ever want anything, either.
Quinn spends the days that follow "the incident where Rachel fucked her and then fucked her" (she's a little bitter) thinking and reconstructing the moment in her head. In every scenario Quinn pictures though, she always stays and Rachel always leaves.
Quinn knows, she knows that she hurt Rachel. But for once she'd just like Rachel to get where Quinn's coming from. Rachel has no problem being bold because she's always had devoted love from someone, she's always had someone in her corner encouraging her.
Quinn wishes that she were the same, but she's not.
Quinn spent the better part of her childhood competing with Charlotte and the majority of her teen years not being good enough. Quinn has spent her whole life trying to matter in a way that she didn't know how, so that when it finally happened, she honestly didn't know what to do with it.
After all, it's only more terrifying when you actually have something that matters, because you (Quinn) finally have something to lose.
It takes her eight days to go back home, to whatever it's become now.
She leaves, with a promise from her father that he'll pay for her last year of school but nothing else. It's definite, the hate that he sends her direction whenever he can and it makes Quinn feel worthless.
Her mother knows about what happened (she always knows) and she doesn't say anything. It's a reminder of who her mother is, and has always been, that sends Quinn packing. She can't stick in this charade they all call life. She's never belonged in their perfect illusion and it's even more prominent now.
Quinn wants to explain it to Rachel, she wants Rachel to give her a chance. She wants to tell Rachel that she's loved her since the moment Rachel objected to Quinn. But Rachel doesn't answer her calls or even want to talk to her, so Quinn holds her love back, because even she knows that it's better to not give someone else the upper hand in a situation.
Plus, it's hard for Quinn to open up at all, let alone over the telephone.
The urge is still there though. She wants to explain to Rachel that not everyone grew up surrounded by love. She wants to tell Rachel that she thought staying behind would make her stop hating so much, but it didn't. It's just a different kind of hate.
Quinn wants to tell Rachel that instead of hating everyone else, now, she just hates herself.
Quinn is back for two days when Kurt gets back from Mexico.
He's tan, so that's something, Quinn thinks. It's hard for her to realize that everyone elses lives didn't stop when hers did.
Kurt is in loose fitting clothing, his hair is lacking the massive amount of hair care products he puts through it. He's wearing shades and his skin is radiating a glow that only vacations can provide. He puts his luggage down, takes off his sunglasses, and looks at Quinn as if he can see through her. It hits her then that he knows, of course he knows.
Quinn pushes away her oatmeal, her appetite gone. Kurt walks over hesitantly before placing his hands on their kitchen table. Quinn knows that Kurt wants to say something, but she isn't in the mood to hear it. Not now, not when she looks as unprepared as she feels.
She raises her hand to prevent a statement that she doesn't need to hear, and it works because Kurt closes his mouth, a tight frown on his face. "Let me guess, you're on Team Rachel, too?"
Kurt looks at her with such a gaze of pity that it honestly makes Quinn's skin crawl. "Sweetie, I'm not on Team Anyone."
Quinn scoffs, her hands fiddling with the cuffs of her sweatshirt. "Please, Kurt. Rachel's your best friend. I get it."
"Obviously you don't."
Quinn raises her eyebrow then, her body still alert but her mind confused. "What does that mean?"
Kurt sighs, as if he sees something that Quinn hasn't been able to see this whole time. "It means that there was never any teams, Quinn."
Quinn freezes, her face scrunched up in disbelief as Kurt sits down on the stool next to her. "It means," Kurt continues as his hand laces with hers, "that I like you. It means, that everyone needs a friend. So how about we just focus on making a breakfast that's full of words I actually understand, okay?"
Quinn feels embarrassed when tears prickle against the back of her eyes. She feels embarrassed as Kurt holds her and rubs her back in soothing circles.
She feels embarrassed, but she doesn't regret it.
It takes four days for Kurt to reveal that Rachel has been staying with Santana.
It burns, in the worst way, because Santana has always been hers and Quinn has never been particularly good at sharing. It burns when she thinks about Rachel and it hurts when she thinks about Santana. Santana was supposed to be her best friend and here she was hiding the one thing Santana needed to see. It wasn't fair and it made Quinn's heart sink in the worst way.
At this point, Quinn couldn't decide who was worth it and who wasn't anymore.
It takes Quinn a day to crack and call Santana.
In the end, it proves useless because Santana convinces Quinn to give Rachel time. Which is exactly what Quinn doesn't want anymore. Time is a constant of life, and if it continues to run on without reminders of people who could or should matter.
In short, life has taught Quinn that if she isn't around to participate in memories that people create, well, they essentially forget about her. And she's terrified to be forgotten.
She doesn't say anything to Santana that's full of merit. She doesn't mention how she feels betrayed by her best friend, how she's drowning (how she's always been drowning) and it's terrifying because Quinn doesn't believe that anyone actually wants to save her.
Rachel still isn't returning her messages, and it hurts. It's one thing for someone to not want you anymore, it's another for them to decide that they don't need you anymore.
Kurt is her one and only godsend.
He saves her, repeatedly, with his gossip and his movies and his shopping trips. He's so kind that it almost kills Quinn.
In fact, it practically does. When she's alone with Kurt and he's treating her as if she's always mattered to him, it hits Quinn that Kurt is a great person. He's a great person that Quinn tried to destroy in high school. He's her only friend and she tormented him on an almost daily basis.
It hurts more than she'd ever admit, because everything hurts and Quinn can never admit to anything.
It's been almost three weeks since the incident when Quinn finds Kurt alone in their living room, his eyes staring at his phone.
Quinn had been plagued by an awful feeling the night before. Well, a feeling that's worse than usual. Quinn had been up and thinking about Kurt and Rachel and the absolute bitch she was in high school, and all she could do was feel guilty. It's one thing to be a bad person, but it's another to look at yourself years later and realize that you were pretty much the most disgusting, brutal person around.
So the next morning Quinn takes a chunk of the money that her father has given her for school expenses, and she goes and buys Kurt this Marc Jacobs jacket that he's been eyeing lately. Quinn knows that he wants it and can't afford it, so Quinn gets it for him in the hopes that it'll make things better.
She knows it's not the "I'm sorry" that Kurt deserves, but it is an "I'll be better".
She's whistling for the first time since she's been back, and even Quinn has to admit that even though her heart still aches for Rachel, it's getting easier to not spend her day thinking about her. It's the first glimpse that Quinn might be able to survive this wreckage and it makes her somewhat happy.
She practically waltzes up to Kurt, her happy demeanor noticeable, and she almost throws the bag at him in excitement. Kurt looks more surprised than shocked and Quinn gestures for him to open it. Kurt frowns and sticks his hand into the bag, pulling out a box that's amazingly simple.
"Open it." Quinn almost demands, and Kurt sets his phone to the side as he demolishes the box. He quickly tears it open and then unfolds the paper to reveal the jacket. His mouth drops open in shock and Quinn smiles triumphantly.
A few minutes pass by without a word from Kurt, so Quinn decides to tackle the silence. "Kurt, I-" Quinn pauses because she actually doesn't know what to say, and Kurt seems to be okay with that.
"Quinn Fabray, you get your ass over here and hug me before I tackle you to the ground."
Quinn concedes and carries her body towards Kurt, until she's close enough for him to wrap her in a hug. When he pulls away there are tears in his eyes and a smile on his face. "Quinn Fabray, I am so glad Rachel forced me into giving you a chance. You are a good person and I love you."
Quinn swallows the lump in her throat because it's almost everything and nothing that she's needed to hear. Kurt looks away before Quinn can say anything, and it works, because Quinn has always been a fan of not saying anything.
"Quinn," Kurt starts, his words as careful as his gaze. "You made her better."
Quinn lowers her gaze, her body already tensing. "Yeah?"
Kurt nodded. "I didn't want to believe it at first...but, you made her better. You really...you're the first person to really love her without asking for anything in return."
Quinn shakes her head, her body as unwilling to admit to what Kurt said as her heart. "I don't love her."
Kurt laughs then. His eyebrows crinkling in amusement and his eyes shining. "Please, Quinn, I can see it."
Quinn bites her lip in trepidation. "Yeah?"
"Yeah." Kurt responds softly, his hand reaching for hers and giving it a soft squeeze. "It's a good look on you."
Quinn laughed, her head tipping back in amusement. "Yeah?"
"I dunno. I might just be biased, I did endure your Head Bitch in Charge look for four years."
"That was certainly a look I had mastered."
Kurt laughed, his happiness reaching everywhere but his eyes. "Quinn...Rachel will be back tomorrow."
Quinn froze, hesitation and trepidation creeping into her features. "Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Quinn is nervous for what feels like the first time, ever. Her heart is pounding in her chest and her hands are all sweaty. She's never felt this nervous before and it both amuses her and terrifies her that Rachel Berry could bring her to this.
Kurt couldn't wait for Rachel to arrive, his internship was steadily busy and if he missed a day, well, his bosses would confuse that for lack of devotion. Plus, he had really wanted to wear his new jacket in public. Quinn waited patiently for a call from Rachel and still, nothing came. It should have bugged her but it didn't, because at least Rachel was coming home, at least Quinn would finally get to speak to her.
The door handle turns when Quinn is fidgeting with her skirt, and she rises to her feet quickly. Quinn doesn't know what to do so she just stands there when Rachel pushes open the door.
She's so beautiful that Quinn's heart literally aches, and she has to mentally berate herself at the fact that she never noticed it until now. Quinn doesn't smile, because she doesn't think that Rachel wants to see that right now. Instead she bites her lip because she can.
Rachel drags her bags into the apartment and it hits Quinn that Rachel has more bags than what she left with. She stands there until Rachel turns around and notices her. Rachel freezes, for a second, and Quinn thinks that this might be her chance. But then Rachel turns to her and smiles. She smiles in a way that's so devoid of emotion and so incredibly fake that Quinn's heart sinks.
"Hello, Quinn," Rachel starts. She pulls something out of her purse and heads towards Quinn. "I got you a t-shirt."
Rachel isn't mad at Quinn, not exactly. If she is, she does an excellent job of not showing it.
Quinn spends the three days after Rachel's return waiting for the ball to drop, but nothing happens. Rachel is oddly nice to her without being friendly, and it's terrifying because Quinn finally feels like she isn't important anymore.
She doesn't know what to do with this Rachel, and Kurt doesn't seem to either. They spend the last week of their winter vacation dancing around each other, and Quinn hates it. Rachel doesn't walk her home from work anymore, she doesn't tell Quinn about her day or about her auditions. In fact, Rachel makes sure to never be alone with Quinn, until they have to sleep.
But even then, Rachel goes to sleep way after Quinn and leaves before Quinn even wakes up. It's like living with a ghost, a ghost who cleans and ignores your presence.
Quinn almost believes that everything is okay. But almost six days after Rachel's return, Quinn accidentally grabbed Rachel's hand while reaching for the remote. The way Rachel shrinks away from Quinn in fear, as if her touch is going to destroy her, makes Quinn feel most like her father.
"Rachel." Quinn tries, because honestly, she needs her Rachel back. She can't handle this version that Rachel is giving her. It almost makes Quinn laugh, the fact that the impenetrable Quinn Fabray has been broken down into something so embarrassing as this.
Rachel pulls her whole body off the couch and runs her hand through her hair. "Don't. Please don't, Quinn."
Quinn nods her head because a little bit of something is better than not having Rachel at all.
It takes three more weeks of this new Rachel for Kurt to break.
Quinn is outside the apartment, her back aching from the walk home and the cold that's been haunting all of New York, when she hears the yelling through their front door.
"Where the hell is the Rachel that I know and love?" Quinn heard Kurt yell. "I know Quinn fucked you over, but Jesus, you're not a robot!"
Quinn heard some rustling before Rachel shouted back, "I'm trying; Kurt! But it's killing me to be around her."
Quinn feels her heart sink as Rachel's voice breaks.
"Because you love her?"
Quinn hers Rachel sniffle and it takes all her willpower to not barge in and comfort her. "Because I never stopped."
It takes one more week for Quinn to snap.
She's tired, and it's nearing Valentine's day, and the memories of Rachel are starting to become too much. Quinn doesn't like feeling, she doesn't like feeling like she's back at home, like she's unimportant. She understands that she hurt Rachel, she gets it. But what about Quinn's feelings? What about Quinn?
She had willingly given all of herself to Rachel that night, and Rachel didn't even stay for her. It broke Quinn in the worst way, she hated feeling unwanted, she hated being unneeded.
She's in the kitchen trying to decide on what to eat for dinner when Rachel scampers out of the room, a pair of sleeping shorts and a tank top covering her body in the littlest way possible. Quinn ignores the fact that her mouth goes dry, and instead looks at the fridge.
"Oh," Rachel starts, as if she's surprised that Quinn present, let alone hungry. "I made you some fried rice. It's next to the microwave."
That's all it takes for Quinn to snap. She slams the fridge shut with such force that Rachel jumps. "What the hell, Rachel?!"
Rachel looks at Quinn surprised, as if she doesn't understand where this could be coming from. "What?"
Quinn feels anger pump through her heart and she watches as Kurt slowly (and silently) shuts his bedroom door. Quinn places her hand on their counter, as a means to soothe her anger. "How can you...God, how can you pretend like nothing happened?"
Rachel's gaze turned stony. Her eyes narrowed and her mouth pulled into a frown. "Because nothing did happen." Rachel starts to pull away then, as if she's done with this conversation and starts heading back to their room. But Quinn knows better, and she's not done, so she follows Rachel into their room, the door slamming behind her.
"Don't give me that shit, Rachel. You can't pretend like it didn't happen."
Rachel shrugged calmly. "Watch me."
Quinn felt her face contort into a look of pain, her heart aching at Rachel's words. "How can you pretend like it didn't mean anything? Rachel, we made love."
Rachel cringes at Quinn's words and Quinn feels her heart clench at the sight. "Don't call it that, Quinn."
"But that's what it was!"
Rachel looks at Quinn sternly, as if she's about to scold her. Maybe she was. "No, it wasn't."
"You told me you were in love with me." Quinn whispers, more to herself then to Rachel. It comes out almost as hopeless and pathetic as Quinn feels.
Rachel looks away, her hands clenching together at her sides. "Yeah, well, I helplessly love everything. It doesn't make it worth it."
Quinn took a step forward, her body going places that her heart didn't want to. "Rachel...I'm hopelessly closed off, okay? I can't...I don't know how to love very well. I've never been good at anything worth feeling. I major in revenge and bitterness and all the things that people should never feel, but when I'm with you...I just. When I'm around you I want to try, can't you see that? I want to try and be different."
Rachel took a step back, her back pressing into the wall. "Quinn, you make me want to rip my own heart out and throw it into a fucking river so that I can stop feeling so damn crazy. You make me feel like I'm nuts, like I'm some crazy girl who does crazy things and I hate it. I hate how you make me feel."
Quinn's shoulders sagged in defeat. "So what now what does that mean?"
Rachel shrugged, her face as lost as this moment. "It means...it means that we were never good together, Quinn."
Quinn took a few more steps forward, until her body was inches away from Rachel's. "That's not true. You make me better."
Rachel laughed, her laughter forced and unlike Rachel. "Yeah? Well, you make me worse."
"I don't get it." Quinn responded stubbornly, her will refusing to back down.
Rachel rolled her eyes dismissively. "It means that I don't want you Quinn, and I certainly don't need you."
Quinn felt heat burn down into her heart and throughout her body. She pressed herself against Rachel and inserted herself in between Rachel's legs, her hands on Rachel's waist to stop her from squirming. "Liar."
Rachel's breathing changed, her breaths were more ragged and her eyes were almost half closed. "I don't want you, Quinn."
In a quick movement, Quinn pushed her hand into Rachel's shorts and squeezed her thigh, eliciting a groan from Rachel's mouth. "Prove it."
Rachel squirmed again but to no avail. "I don't want you." Rachel repeated.
Quinn moved her mouth towards Rachel's ear, she pushed her lips over Rachel's hair until she was certain the singer would hear her. She felt Rachel shiver in response and Quinn couldn't help but grin. A part of her knew that this wasn't what she wanted. Rachel deserved something better. But Quinn's only ever really been good at being wicked and vile, and if feels good to taint Rachel with something like this. "I bet you've always wanted this." Quinn started, her hand pushing past Rachel's underwear. "I bet it gets you off, knowing that Rachel fucking Berry had Quinn Fabray at her fingertips." Quinn didn't give Rachel time to answer. Instead she pushed three fingers into her, her over hand leaving Rachel's hip so that it could grab her left leg and wrap it around Quinn's waist.
Rachel didn't say anything as her mouth fell open and her head hit the wall with a thump. Quinn continued because now that she had so much of Rachel, she didn't know how to stop. "I bet you've thought about it, huh? What it would be like to have me inside of you, controlling your release. I bet you've imagined this since you saw me naked, haven't you?" Rachel doesn't say anything as Quinn thrusts into her. Instead she brings her hands and claws at Quinn's back, trying to pull her closer so that she can just feel everything. "Haven't you?" Quinn demanded, her fingers thrusting into Rachel with more force.
Rachel opened her eyes, a glazed look settling over them. "Y-yes."
It spurned Quinn on and filled her with more anger. The fact that Rachel could only willingly admit to wanting her when they were having sex. It made Quinn feel cheap and dirty and useless, but most of all, it made her feel. She pushed into Rachel harder, using her body so that she could thrust into Rachel with more force.
It didn't hit Quinn until she was running her tongue down Rachel's neck, that she had never done this before. She had never felt like doing this or imagined it before, and for a second, she's terrified that she's going to be bad at it. She pulls away and looks at Rachel, only for Rachel to crack open an eye and groan "harder". At Rachel's request, Quinn feels her fears disappear. Well, that fear disappear.
Quinn's still angry and she feels like it shows through in the way that she's pushing relentlessly into Rachel. Rachel doesn't seem to mind, and it only makes Quinn angrier. She bites down on Rachel's neck and Rachel yelps in surprise. Rachel looks at Quinn as she adds another finger and hisses in pain when Quinn enters her. It wasn't Quinn's intention at first to hurt Rachel, but now that she's started, she wants Rachel to feel precisely like she does. She can't help herself as she starts rocking into Rachel, Rachel's back hitting the wall every time. Rachel grunts and Quinn uses that moment to move her hand from Rachel's leg and yank on her hair, until Rachel's eyes are completely focused on Quinn. "So, what, Rachel?" Quinn whispers as her fingers thrust into Rachel at an unforgiving pace. "I'm good enough to fuck but not good enough to want?"
Quinn felt Rachel's hesitation as Rachel clenched around her fingers, and Quinn knew, she just knew, that the singer was close. Rachel pushed her hands into Quinn's hair, pulling on Quinn's head as she got closer to the edge. "That's not it. I just-I can't."
Quinn pulled her fingers out and jammed back into Rachel, her fingers aching and her legs starting to tremble from the force. "Why not?"
Rachel leaned her head back and held her breath as Quinn pushed into her again. Quinn felt Rachel tense and pull Quinn closer, her body freezing as if she were trying to prolong the moment. After a couple of seconds, Rachel's body started to jerk and her breathing returned. Quinn waited for a few moments until she was certain that Rachel was done riding out her orgasm, and then she pulled her fingers out, and lowered Rachel's leg. Rachel immediately slid down the wall, her legs as wobbly as jello.
"Because you'll break my heart."
Quinn looked away, her actions finally dawning on her. "Likewise."
Things continue on like that for the next few months. If Kurt notices (which he must, because Rachel has gotten increasingly louder) he doesn't say anything. He just looks at them disapprovingly.
Quinn doesn't really know what's going on because they're not friends, not really. They don't make an effort to communicate during the day, and they only fuck each other at night. It isn't love, it's something worse, because Quinn really misses her friend.
Yeah, the sex is great, but it's also confusing.
Still, she doesn't say anything, because Quinn has always been a coward when it counts.
Santana calls her after a few months of their "arrangement". Quinn is excited because she honestly hasn't had the time to put effort into her friendship with Santana. She loves her, but Quinn is still a little pissed at the fact that Santana took Rachel's side when she should have only had Quinn's.
Quinn answers, because she honestly misses her friend, and she's getting ready to tell her about her creepy new co-worker when Santana goes off on her. Quinn doesn't get all of it, but she does hear the parts where Santana is scolding her for using Rachel and it's the last straw in a very long line of straws. Whatever that means.
Quinn can't really help herself from the disdain that enters her voice. "Of course you'd choose her side."
Quinn can practically hear Santana frown. "What the hell does that mean?"
Quinn sighs, her patience gone. "It means that you're just like everyone else. Like my father, Finn, everyone. Nobody can ever just choose me, huh?"
Santana bristles, hurt creeping into her voice. "I am nothing like your father."
Quinn can't help herself when she snaps. "You left me, Santana."
"What are you talking about?"
Quinn looks at the people in the library and lowers her voice. "You left me and picked Brittany and changed everything. You were my best friend and you just-you forgot about me so you could have some career in LA!" Quinn ignores the man in the leather jacket who tells her to "shush".
Santana sighs, and Quinn knows that Santana knows she's talking about college. They were going to go to a college together, but Brittany got into this dance school and Santana decided to follow her. It was too late for Quinn to do anything, so she set her sights on Yale since she had already been accepted. "Q, I tried, but you were shutting me out."
Quinn stood up from her seat and pushed her way into the employee bathroom. "Because I had to! I could already see that you were leaving me, Santana. And it's better to leave then to be the one who's left."
Quinn hears Santana sniffle and it's almost amusing, that she could bring this out of Santana. "Quinn, you know that's not how it is."
"Do I?"
"Quinn."
Quinn cleared her throat, ignoring Santana's plea. "Look, I'm gonna go. I'll talk to you later."
Quinn hangs up and then proceeds to ignore the next fourteen calls from Santana. It's clear to anyone with eyes that Quinn Fabray is unraveling, and she'd prefer it if there was less people around to watch her demise.
It's surprising, in a way, that she became this person.
She has no family to spend her holidays with because she picked a girl who doesn't even want her anymore, over them. She doesn't have Santana (because to be fair, Santana has always held allegiance to Brittany) because Santana wasn't ever hers to have. Kurt tries, but Quinn knows that he's truly Rachel's friend. Quinn is just his friend by association.
She has no husband, no friendly co-workers, and no Rachel (at least, no Rachel that Quinn wants). It's crazy because she had always been terrified of being lonely, of ending up alone. In fact, she had built her walls around that, prepared herself for it, even.
It turns out, nothing can ever really prepare you for the feeling of being utterly alone.
Sure, Quinn is surrounded by people, but it feels like she's really just going through the motions. So she starts putting in less effort, she starts checking out mentally whenever she's around, and she basically just goes through the motions.
Nobody seems to notice, and it's a relief. She doesn't need people to start being there for her now.
She wakes up a few weeks later with this huge pain in her neck. The night before Rachel had decided they use a little something extra in their escapades.
At first, when Quinn had saw it, she had laughed because it was such a ridiculous looking thing. But then Rachel had put it on and used it to push into Quinn and it...it was just a whole other feeling of ecstasy, of intimacy.
Last night had felt different. Instead of using brutal force like usual, Rachel had been almost tender. It through Quinn off a little bit because she wasn't sure how to take this new development. She couldn't let herself care, not now, not when she held the cards.
She wakes up to the sound of voices and Quinn quickly decides to leave her eyes closed, because she's more curious than she is anything else.
"No, Santana, I don't know what's happening to her. She just-she's gone sometimes." Rachel says, her voice cracking.
Quinn feels her heart clench and she pushing the feeling down so that she can focus on eavesdropping, and eavesdropping alone.
"Of course I love her, don't be an idiot! Why do you think I'm even doing this in the first place? I can't-I can't not be with her anymore, Santana, it hurts to much. She's going to break me, I know it."
Quinn feels her heart swell and Rachel's words, and she wants to open her eyes, but like always, she can't.
"Yeah, okay, I'll see you when you get here next week. Alright, bye."
Quinn hears Rachel place her phone on their desk before scuffling around, probably look for some clean clothes. She's about to drift back into dreamland when she feels a pair of lips brush her forehead.
"I'm so in love with you that it kills me, Quinn Fabray."
The week that follows should be easy, but it's awfully hard.
The biggest issue that Quinn seems to have, is herself. She can't seem to let go and give herself to Rachel because a part of her is still terrified of being left behind. After all, that's all Quinn Fabray has ever really been good at.
Her heart protests every day, it begs and beats for her to go back to Rachel, to confess her love. But her mind knows better, her mind is more devil than saint and it refuses to let Quinn be weak.
Santana visits a little while later. She's without Brittany and that alone says more than Quinn wants her too.
She feels selfish, because Brittany is her friend, too. But it's hard for Quinn to exist when Santana and Brittany are together, because all they can see is each other. Quinn pulls Santana into a hug, since it's the easiest thing she can do. Santana chokes up and Rachel pretends not to see it.
Overall, it's Kurt that kills the moment, and Quinn is thankful for it.
"If you guys are going to have some weird type of threesome, I'd prefer you do it in the privacy of your own room." He pipes up after walking into the suffocatingly brutal moment.
Santana laughs and Quinn follows suit. She smiles and Santana and whispers an "I'm sorry" because she honestly is. Quinn knows that Santana tries and that should be the okay.
It isn't though, and Santana knows, so when she pulls Quinn aside later on in the night, Quinn allows it.
Santana looks torn because she's always been awful at apologies, she's never liked being wrong, and it's the thing Quinn relates to the most.
Santana pauses, her eyes downcast. "You know I love you, Quinn."
Quinn nods because she does. "I love you too, S."
Santana looks at Quinn and smiles. "You're my best friend."
"I know."
Santana sighed, as if she wasn't ready to reveal this tidbit of information. "Quinn, I can't live without you in my life, okay? But I would have died without Brittany."
"I know." Quinn repeats, because she honestly does. She gets it now, that overwhelming feeling of love.
Santana laughs, her laughter only slightly genuine. "Of course you do, you always have. Look, Q, I will always be in your corner, okay? And I will always fly across the United States when you need me to. I will always be your best friend and I will always love you. Don't pretend like that isn't true just because you're scared. I haven't left you yet, have I?"
Quinn smiles at that, because Santana is right. It's been four years and Santana is still devoted to their friendship. Maybe it was time that Quinn do the same. "I love you, Santana."
Santana's eyes water, she can see that it's genuine and it's so hard to get Quinn in a moment where she actually lets herself be real, so she pulls Quinn into a rough hug. "I love you more, asshole."
Rachel takes that moment to wander by as she heads to the restroom, she looks over at them and winks, her voice carrying across the hallway. "God, could you guys be any more gay?"
They all laugh because really? They probably couldn't.
In the end, it's the big things that broke her, but it's the little things that built Quinn back up. It's Santana and Brittany skyping with her on the regular, it's Kurt recording shows that he knows Quinn likes but will never admit to. It's Charlotte calling her and inviting Quinn to her baby shower. Sure, she's not going to go, but the sentiment is nice.
It's Rachel, laying in bed with her in the mornings, talking about random things. Quinn knows that Rachel is still broken up over what happened, but the fact that she's trying is enough to make Quinn care again.
It's the small things, Quinn thinks, that have the most impact.
It's nearing the end of May when Quinn gets a call on her phone.
She's at the library working (like always) because she needs all the money she can get. It's pretty cold outside and she's forgotten her cane at home, again. Honestly, that thing was a travesty. It was awkward to carry and Quinn could never bring herself to remember to bring it.
She was nearing the end of her shift when her phone started to ring. She answers it on reflex because Santana has been calling her more frequently these days, and Quinn is used to it.
"Hello?" Quinn asks, her phone stuck in between her shoulder and her head as she types another returned book into the log.
"Hello, Quinn." Is what she hears and Quinn almost drops her phone in surprise. She pulls the phone from her shoulder and looks at the caller id.
"Rachel?" Quinn asks, surprised. It's the first time Rachel has called her since the incident, and Quinn can't help the surprise and worry that plagues her brain. "Is something wrong?"
"No, I was just wondering if you were off yet."
Quinn hesitates at Rachel's easy tone, it's almost as if Rachel had been speaking to her like this the whole time. Quinn glances at the clock and notices that she was supposed to be off four minutes ago. "Oh, crap. Yeah, I'm heading out now." Quinn logs off the computer and pushes the cart of books behind her desk. She waves goodbye to her co worker and grabs her bag, she almost forgets that Rachel is still on the line until she's almost out the door.
"Hello? Rachel?"
"Yeah, I'm here."
Quinn sighs. "What's up?" She berates herself because she could have said something cooler, something more refined.
Rachel hums in amusement. "Nothing, I just noticed that it's pretty cold outside and somebody forgot their cane."
Quinn frowns, she wasn't in the mood to be scolded again. She pushed through the double doors and starts walking down the set of stairs when Quinn spots her. At the bottom of the steps is Rachel Berry, clad in a plaid, wool, coat, a beret, and jeans. She's leaning against something that could only be described as an adult tricycle with an extra seating kart on the side.
Rachel grins and does a little wave. "So, I figured you could probably use a ride."
Quinn lets her legs carry her towards Rachel, her hand still on her phone and her eyes still focused on Rachel. She stops when she's right in front of her, and she notices that Rachel's crying. Quinn doesn't let go of the phone, in fact, she holds onto it tighter. It's the sweetest, stupidest, craziest thing anyone has ever done for her and Quinn feels the cracks in her heart start to warm.
"I'm in love with you." Is what Quinn opens with. She pushes her phone into her pocket and grabs Rachel by the front of her coat, pulling her into an open mouthed kiss. When Quinn finally pulls away, Rachel's hands are on her waist and her forehead is against Quinn's. Quinn placed a kiss against Rachel's temple, and then her nose, and then both of her eyes. She pecked Rachel's cheeks, and her ears, and the top of her brow. "I love you, I love you, I love you." Is all that she said in between kisses, but it was enough.
"I'm so sorry, Rachel. You have to believe me." Quinn whispers against Rachel's mouth.
"I do, Quinn." Rachel says. "I think I always will." Finally, Rachel pushed Quinn away embarrassed. "Your chariot awaits, my lady."
Quinn laughs, her smile free and real. "What is with you and carrying me places?"
Rachel shrugged as she gestured to the side kart that Quinn was supposed to sit in. "Only the best for the woman that I love."
Quinn bit her lip. "Yeah?"
Rachel rolled her eyes and pulled Quinn into another kiss. "Yeah."
Quinn hesitates, the past few months not lost on her in this moment. "What about everything that's happened? Do we just...do we forget about it?"
"No." Rachel answers adamantly. Her features stern but her eyes light. Her body not even close to dismissive. "We don't forget about it. We work through it because we love each other."
"Okay." Quinn doesn't hate the blush that creeps into her cheeks. For once, she welcomes it. "I love you, but I'm not getting into that."
Rachel frowned in a way that Quinn could only see as cute. "Well how else are you going to get to our first date?"
"Date?" Quinn echoed. Confusion seeping into her pores.
"Yeah, I have it all planned. If you weren't already in love with me, you would be by the end of the night."
Quinn rolled her eyes, she shoved at Rachel's shoulder playfully. "Kinda backwards, don't you think?"
Rachel laughed. Her smile as bright as the moment. "Well, we've never been very good at going forwards."
Quinn smiled. She let her gaze travel to the ground, her foot scuffing the sidewalk. "Rach, when did you change your mind?"
Rachel licked her lips and looked away. "I never did, actually. I've wanted to be with you since the moment I got back."
Quinn shoved her hands into her jacket pockets, insecurity slipping into her voice. "Then what was stopping you?"
Rachel put her hand on Quinn's cheek and rubbed absently. "The same thing that always was," Rachel said. "You. I had to wait for you to come around. I couldn't make you love me, Quinn. So I waited."
"I've always loved you." Quinn admitted, because she has and she probably always will.
"I know, but I had to wait for you to be ready to admit it."
Quinn rolled her eyes and Rachel's know-it-all tone. "Okay, Casanova, since you're so charming, I guess I'll get into this death contraption with you."
Rachel grinned. "That's all I've ever wanted."
It took a few tries, but after a few minutes, they started going. Even though the bike was moving at a steady pace and Quinn was fastened securely in, the bike was still wobbling uncontrollably.
"Hey, Rach?"
"Yeah, baby?"
Quinn turned her attention to Rachel, completely ignoring the stares of the people they were passing by. She couldn't deny that she liked hearing Rachel call her that, but that was another topic for another day. "You know what you're doing, right?"
Rachel bit her lip. "Well, technically I've never ridden a bike."
Quinn reared back. "What do you mean technically?"
"I rode a fake one in one of Finn's video games once."
Quinn's hands gripped the sides of the sidecar she was in. "Rachel! That isn't even real. Oh my god, you're going to kill me."
"Relax, baby, we only have about twenty two more blocks to go."
Quinn looked at the pedestrians as they dodged Rachel's terrible bike driving. "Sorry!"
Four down, twenty two blocks to go.
It was going to be one hell of a ride.