I'm baaaaaaaack.
His mind was veiled, if Sirius had to choose a color for it he would say light blue. Everything was washed out by it, his childhood, Orion, Regulus, Alphard. Sirius could only feel now, each moment as it came and as it passed it was lost into the softness. He was sitting in the common room alone, wearing only his muggle blue jeans and staring at the flames of the fire. Everyone had left for winter break, everyone in Gryffindor, all of the Slytherins.
Most of the parents had wanted their children home, Sirius imagined it was out of fear that something would happen and they might never see them again. Even Remus had been unable to get out of going home. Sirius was worried about Remus, but that too was veiled. The Potters had practically begged Sirius to come in letter after letter, but he wouldn't. Two girls from Ravenclaw had stayed behind because their homes had been destroyed in one of the recent attacks. And then there was Joslin.
Sirius hadn't left the common room in the two days since everyone had left, except to make an occasional run for food in the kitchens. He was enjoying the solitude, entertaining himself by walking around the dorm naked and wanking on James' bed, and smoking the weed. The map had told him who remained in the castle, and right now it told him Joslin was making his way towards Gryffindor tower. Sirius felt a swirl of inappropriate excitement run through him and he lit a cigarette and looked at the map again. Joslin's dot was turning down to the Gryffindor corridor.
The unsettling thing about this situation with Joslin wasn't the sex, Sirius liked snogging and the like, Joslin being a guy didn't bother him so much, rather it was slightly exhilarating, another rule to be broken. What had him on edge was that Joslin was clearly the one in control, and Sirius did not do well with being in someone else's control. He watched the dot come within a few feet of the portrait hole and wondered briefly if he should put on a shirt, he decided against it as he made his way quickly up the stairs to the dorm.
In the room he rifled through his things finally locating a small black bag. He had drunk thirty bottles of butterbeer without stopping or throwing up in a dare against James the day before everyone left for the holidays and he had done it with this moment in mind. He made it to the entryway just as Joslin's dot stopped. He pulled the portrait open and held back his laugh when Joslin's eyebrows rose quickly in shock.
"Out for a bit of a stroll?" Sirius said taking a drag off of his cigarette and blowing the smoke out slowly.
Joslin stood with a tenseness to his frame that seemed out of place with the unfocussed glassiness of his eyes. His red streaked hair was messy, not unlike James' in that, and he wore muggle clothes. Dark blue jeans and a dark red t-shirt. Sirius took him in with an obvious gaze and it seemed to him that the tenseness in Joslin increased because of it.
"Just collecting what is owed." Joslin returned smoothly, having regained himself and found his wit.
Sirius raised his eyebrow and leaned one arm against the doorway, with the other hand he tossed the black bag to Joslin who fumbled to catch it. Sirius watched as Joslin weighed the bag in his hand, the coins inside of it clinking together.
"What if it isn't enough?" Joslin said evenly.
"It is." Sirius said the aristocratic arrogance of his surname seeping into the tone.
Joslin's eyes widened slightly and his look became annoyed and furiously defiant. His glance bounced around awkwardly, Sirius laughed and the sound echoed down the empty hallway.
"Look, Black—" Joslin started with a bit of edge to his tone.
"No, Joslin. You look." Sirius said straightening his body out and opening his arms. And the other boy did, his eyes dragging down Sirius' naked torso.
Sirius understood manipulation and although it took him a while to focus his thoughts through the haze of the drugs, he understood Joslin's intentions. Joslin had used the drugs to get to Sirius, and now Sirius would use Joslin's desire for his own purposes. He didn't know if it was the drugs, or the reality of the ever-increasing tensions of the looming war, from which he could not completely escape, or something deeper. Perhaps, it was more than either or a bit of it all, but Sirius had liked the feel of Joslin's lips and he wanted to know why.
He finished off his cigarette and vanished it with a quick swish of his wand. He looked at Joslin for a moment and then grabbed the front of his t-shirt and pulled him into the common room. He felt the firmness of Joslin's shoulders as he pressed the other boy against the wall, and couldn't help but think that the sheer masculinity of the brunette's smell was intoxicating. He pressed his lips against Joslin's and suddenly there was nothing but heat, and firmness pressing back against his mouth.
That was how it started.
Once it had started, Sirius and Joslin were together more often than not. In his rare moments alone, he wondered about it. It seemed the only thought in his blue-washed mind was Joslin. He took to studying Joslin when they sat together in the Gryffindor common room, drinking butterbeers they had sneaked in from Hogsmeade, and smoking weed. In that moment, at the peak of their high, when their thoughts had slowed and they couldn't communicate but for their secret smiles, Sirius wondered.
Did this make him gay? Would he still feel the same about Joslin if it weren't for the drugs? What would his friends think? What would Alphard have thought? Is it only Joslin, or could he do this with another boy?
So many questions, and Sirius didn't have the answers. He thought about asking Joslin but he didn't. Joslin was simple, uncomplicated, and singularly more selfish than Sirius had imagined him. As the weeks passed by and they groped and fondled and fumbled through the shared experience of shagging another bloke. Sirius had laughed when Joslin had explained the mechanics of it, and Joslin had turned red. But it felt good, better than any of the girls. Things grew heated between them, and touching each other was a new and more delicate drug for them both. They grew to know each other, in a superficial way that came with spending hour upon hour in each other's company.
Joslin came from a middle-class half-blood family, they lived somewhere in Surrey and his parents were nice, they didn't shout, and they doted on their only child. They didn't mind that he liked boys, when Joslin had told them, his father had shrugged and continued to eat his dinner. Sirius spoke little of his family, and less of Alphard. Joslin wasn't sure what he wanted to do once he graduated, he didn't have any opinions about the war, and he wasn't much for quidditch. They spent little time talking though, and knew each other's bodies better than each other's minds.
There were nights when Sirius lay naked and smoking in his bed, Joslin sleeping next to him, one arm thrown over Sirius' abdomen and his face buried in the pillow, and wished for Remus or James. He thought about calling James on the mirror and had started to tell Remus about it all in the letters he sent, but he hesitated and wasn't sure why.
The snow crunched nosily under Sirius' feet and he bounced on the balls of his feet to a little rhythm he invented, up ahead of him Joslin was walking with his hands in his pockets, head titled back catching snowflakes on his tongue. He turned his head and smiled a broad hazy grin. He was beautiful, in his way, Sirius decided. They made their way to the abandoned green house and once they reached the door Sirius pushed Joslin up against it and kissed him fiercely. A deep and savage satisfaction overwhelmed him and he wondered if Joslin would have sex with him in the green house, it was warm in there. When he pulled away Joslin's goofy grin made him chuckle and he reached around him to pull on the handle. It didn't give.
Locked.
For a minute neither of them moved, they stared down at the handle and confusion swept across Joslin's features. Sirius withdrew his wand and performed the alohamora spell. Nothing. For a brief minute there was silence and then Joslin lost it. Sirius stepped back and watched as Joslin jerked the door handle with an incredible amount of force, and then resorted to kicking the door violently.
Sirius felt the normal ease of the drug wane and moved around to the window and glanced in. It had been cleaned recently, he glanced to the corner where Joslin had been growing the gillyweed and something heavy shifted in his stomach.
Gone.
It took nearly ten-minutes for Sirius to pull Joslin from the door. The brunette was in hysterics, muttering under his breath and tears standing in his eyes. Every few feet Joslin stopped abruptly and turned back in the direction of the greenhouse. Sirius had to drag Joslin to the castle by one arm to stop him from blasting the door down.
Two days later, they had smoked their last joint and Sirius was exhausted from the wild rollercoaster of Joslin's emotions which had moved on from panic to a whimpering defeat and finally ended at anger. He was shouting and pacing and pulling at his hair. It unnerved Sirius, there was a subtle panic in the back of his mind, but he watched Joslin feeling very far away from it all.
"Joslin…" Sirius said quietly but the boy didn't respond.
He continued pacing and kicked a stack of books arranged 'just-so' at the end of Remus' bed.
"JOSLIN!" Sirius raised his voice and finally Joslin turned to look at him, his eyes full of manic desperation. "Calm down."
"Calm down? Calm down!" Joslin ranted moving with heavy strides to stand in front of Sirius. "Do you have any idea what withdrawal will feel like? What you had…that was nothing, that was nothing."
"Can't we…buy it?" Sirius asked taking a step back from the fierceness of Joslin's expression.
"Fancy a trip to Knockturn Alley?" Joslin let loose a wild laugh. "Because that's the only place you can get it without a permit. And then it'll be another three months before it's full grown."
The panic in Sirius grew. He settled himself against the wall of the dorm and watched as Joslin stopped in the center of the room before turning quickly and beginning to pack the things of his that had appeared over the course of the past month.
"Where are you going?" Sirius whispered, knowing somehow, and terrified by it.
"Home." Joslin said. "I've got some muggle friends, they'll get me something. Something that will help."
Sirius didn't speak, he just watched Joslin gather his clothing and books and stuff it all into his bag. As he made for the door Sirius stepped in front of him.
"What about me?" He asked, an accusation.
"What about you?" Joslin responded his tone flippant and annoyed.
"You did this to me." Sirius replied coldly. Joslin laughed.
"No, sweetheart. You did this to you." He pulled up close to Sirius. "I did this."
He pulled Sirius into a hard and rough kiss, Sirius gripped the front of his shirt and pushed him away roughly. Joslin laughed again as he stumbled.
"My pretty, pretty, Gryffindor whore." Joslin said, and Sirius wondered if this was the normal Joslin. Joslin without the drugs. Cold, ugly.
Sirius raised his fist and discovered it felt nearly as good to hit him as it did to kiss him. Joslin laughed and laughed, spitting blood out onto the floor.
"Well done." Joslin said pushing past Sirius and opening the door. "Still a man after all."
And then he was gone. And that was how it ended.
Sirius had no sense of time anymore, no sense of anything but the cool stone of the bathroom floor. He lay on his side, the burning skin of his face and torso pressed against it and giving him precious little relief. His head pounded and he felt empty and hollow from the retching. His skin itched as if there were thousands of ants crawling across it. Through his eyelids he could see the red-tinted light of the bathroom and it seemed painfully bright. He ached, in every part of his being, and somewhere beyond the physical pain there was a loneliness that ate at his soul.
Sometime later he opened his eyes and the brightness of the room stung his eyes. He pushed himself to his knees. His legs shook and threatened to collapse as he got to his feet. The world tilted violently and he threw out his right arm to steady himself against the sink. He moved slowly, using each sink and lastly the wall to support himself. As he made his way into the dorm room his head was spinning and tiny black dots swam in his vision. He collapsed onto his bed and reached under the pillow and withdrew the mirror.
"James." His voice was rough and raspy, and too quiet to activate the mirror. He tried again. "James"
The mirror gave a small vibration and James' face appeared in the mirror, Sirius sighed in relief but his heart was heavy with shame.
"Sirius?" James said squinting into the mirror. "You look like hell mate."
Sirius could feel the darkness in his vision edging closer. "Help me." He whispered and then he spiraled out of conciousness.
Sirius woke to violent, angry whispers. He kept his eyes closed and tried to will away the nausea. His body was sore. Even the joints of his hands throbbed with a deep ache.
"We've got to take him to the hospital wing." It was James' voice, and Sirius could hear the panic in the whispered words.
"We can't." Remus, thank merlin.
"Rem—we don't know what's wrong with him." James said.
"Drugs, James." Remus responded, an icy edge to his tone, and Sirius wanted to apologize. "At the looks of it he's run out. If we take him to the hospital wing, they'll be able to tell and he'll be expelled."
Silence. Sirius opened his eyes.
James and Remus sat on James' bed facing Sirius. James looked to have rushed from his house immediately and was still wearing his pajamas, Remus looked more put together.
"Sirius." James breathed out his name with a note of relief and frustration.
"Hey." The word hurt Sirius' throat and his tongue tasted like vomit.
"What the hell have you done?" James said coming to his feet.
Sirius just looked at him and then to Remus.
"What was it Sirius?" Remus asked quietly.
"Gillyweed." Sirius said softly.
"Oh for the love of Merlin!" James shouted and kicked the bedside table. "You're a sodding idiot!"
Sirius found Remus' eyes and there was a note of fear in the amber shade that made Sirius want to cry. But the darkness had begun to seep in again and he closed his eyes.
"Sorry."
When Sirius came around again, a surge of panic and adrenaline forced him out of the bed and into the bathroom where he vomited bile for several minutes the acid burning it's way up his throat. His head pounded and his fingers shook, and his stomach clenched painfully. He lay himself down on the floor again and curled into himself, praying for unconciousness. Instead, he got Remus.
Sirius felt himself being pulled from the floor and into Remus' warm arms. And something crashed down in his mind as the last tendrils of the drugs comfort leaked away. He felt the fire hot tears make their way down his face and he ducked his head in shame. Remus ran a hand over his hair gently, in that achingly familiar way.
"James and I, went down to the library." Remus' voice a low whisper filled with regret, "It can't be helped, Pads, there isn't a potion out there that's going to make this easier."
Sirius nodded, keeping his eyes closed tightly.
"The worst of it will be over by the morning, I think." Remus continued. "You're fever seems to have broken, but tonight will be rough."
They were both silent for a long time, the only sound was the soft rustle of their clothing as Sirius shook.
"James went back home," Remus started up again. "He didn't tell his folks he was coming."
"But you'll stay?" Sirius rasped out.
Remus sighed deeply. "I'll always stay, Pads. Always."
Sirius gripped Remus' arm where it crossed his chest and let the tears fall anew.
"I'm so sorry." He said though it hurt to talk.
"I know, Sirius. I know." Remus said quietly and continued running his hand through Sirius' hair.
They sat in silence for minutes that seemed to Sirius like hours and then Remus was standing and pulling him to his feet.
"Lets get you back to bed." Remus said and practically carried him to the dorm room.
He settled Sirius into the bed and pulled the covers up across him, but when Remus turned to go Sirius grabbed his wrist.
"Stay."
Remus seemed to hesistate and then crawled into the bed beside him. Silence drifted between them and Sirius felt himself falling into the darkness again.
"Rem-," He said quietly, not knowing why.
"Hmm?" Remus asked his voice sounding far away.
"I think I'm gay."
Sirius felt Remus stiffen beside him and prepared himself for the rejection, but Remus laughed quietly.
"Oh, Sirius. Of course, it would take dire circumstances for you to admit even that to yourself or anyone else for that matter." Remus said and the words washed over Sirius like a warm bath and he let the world fade away again.
Sirius knew one thing for sure, Remus Lupin did not care if he died. He struggled against his friend's iron grip, knowing that it was futile and hating Remus for being a werewolf for the first time in seven years.
"Let me go!" Sirius screamed out his voice roughened and wild. "Let me go you bloody werewolf or I swear to Merlin and everything else I will strangle you myself."
Remus' grip tightened and he laughed tensely. "Right, Pads, that is if you could move your arms.
Sirius was backed against the wall opposite of the door, which was his ultimate goal. He needed to get out of here, he needed to find Joslin or go to Knockturn Alley. He needed the damn drugs because he was dying. The pain in his muscles was still there, the pounding in his head continued, and adrenaline coursed through him like liquid fire. All he could think about was the need.
A part of his mind seemed to be separate from himself wholly and took in his own actions with a measure of regret and awe. It must have been the reasonable part of his mind, the part of him that knew he was out of control. But the need was too overwhelming too strong and in a fit of violence he pivoted in Remus' hold and slipped his foot behind Remus' legs sending him sprawling to the floor. Sirius moved quickly with clumsy steps and made it to the door but not before Remus regained himself and cast a spell at the door causing it to glow blue for a moment. Sirius let out a painful wail and threw himself at the door grabbing the handle and pulling with all his strength. It wouldn't move, like the door to the greenhouse. Sirius pounded on the door and then turned around fast enough that his vision blurred for a moment.
Remus was standing leaning against the wall, his face betraying no anger only tiredness and a great deal of sadness.
"Let me out, Rem." Sirius said desperately. "Just for a little bit."
Remus shook his head and Sirius changed his tactic moving toward him slowly. Fixing his face to the same expression he had given Joslin that first night. His veins thrummed with need and his hands were still shaking but he made his body listen as he took a few more sauntering steps. Something flashed across Remus' face briefly and then fled, and was replaced by a severe expression that reminded Sirius of McGonagall.
"Remus…" Sirius said softly.
"Sirius, don't." Remus said, his body stiff and his eyes boring into Sirius'.
"Remus…" Sirius was only a step or two away from him.
Sirius saw Remus push himself further back against the wall involuntarily but he didn't move away. "Sirius, I swear to Merlin…"
Sirius took the final steps and put his hands on either side of Remus' head, tilting his own head down letting his hair fall and brush Remus' cheeks. The part of his brain, that reasonable part, was screaming rather irrationally at him now, but Sirius ignored it. He could convince Remus, he didn't know how he knew, but he did.
"Remus…" Sirius said again. "I'll do anything. Make you feel good, and all you have to do is let me out, so I can feel good too."
Sirius watched as Remus' eyes hardened just a little bit and then suddenly Remus' hands came to his chest and pushed with enough force to knock Sirius down and send him skidding a foot or so backwards across the floor. Sirius looked up wheezing his lungs sorely missing the air that had rushed from them, and saw Remus' expression full of livid exasperation.
"You're going to whore yourself out for drugs, then?" Remus shouted out uncharacteristicly and running his fingers through his hair.
My pretty, pretty Gryffindor whore.
Sirius pulled his legs into himself, and hugged them to his aching chest. He rested his head on he knees, letting his long hair fall around him like a curtain. He cried, letting the tears fall silently dampening the fabric of his jeans.
After awhile, Remus came and sat down behind him, pulling Sirius' back flush against his chest and wrapping his strong arms around Sirius' shaking body. Like a parent would a small child, like a lover, like someone who cared. And Sirius hated himself for it, because this was Remus, the one who was always there, who knew him and understood him and forgave him the worst of his sins. He had made the most vulgar and selfish advance on him, and now Joslin's words rang true, echoing around in his mind.
Sirius woke up tired and feeling grimy. His head hurt significantly less and there was only the occasional twitch of his fingers. His muscles still ached painfully and his heart burned with the ache of the memory of what he had almost done to Remus. He sat up, surprised to find himself once more in his own bed. He stood up and looked around, the room was empty. He felt a pang of loss and self-righteous anger that Remus had left, but there was a little voice whispering into his head that really, it was his own fault.
He made his way to the bathroom, glad that his legs were steadier now. He pulled off his jeans and stepped into the shower. The warm water was refreshing and served to sharpen his dulled senses. He washed his hair and scrubbed his skin twice, once to rid himself of the grime, and again in an attempt to wash away his guilt.
As he was drying off he looked into the mirror and sighed deeply at his own appearance. His face was pale, and despite the considerable amount of sleep he'd had over the last few days dark circles ringed his eyes. There was a slight shadow of hair on his chin and he went to the bedroom to retrieve his wand. He glanced around again, Remus had cleaned up the disaster he and Joslin had made and Sirius felt guilt wash over him anew. He returned to the bathroom and make quick work of shaving his face. He glanced at his chest and took in the ugly bruises that were shaped like hand-prints, Remus' hand-prints. I'm a bastard, Sirius decided.
Back in the dorm again, he pulled on a pair of clean but tattered jeans, and his favorite Sex Pistol's t-shirt. He stood in the dorm for a moment, unsure of what to do and then made his way down to the common room. He took the steps slowly trying not to overexert his sore muscles. As he came around the corner from the stairway his heart skipped a beat and his eyes landed on Remus. He was sitting in the overstuffed chair just in front of the fire, one leg stretched out in front of him the other folded beneath him, a heavy leather bound book lay open in his lap, but he wasn't reading in instead his eyes were directed at the fire.
His expression was hard for Sirius to read, which was nothing unusual. Remus was often difficult to read, and his friend had said much the same about Sirius. The flickering light of the fire cast a strange glow over his face, softening the paleness of his skin and setting off the bronze sheen in his hair. For the first time, in his entire life, Sirius looked at Remus Lupin and could think only that he was beautiful.
After a moment Remus turned to look at him and his expression changed to something softer and less contemplative. He offered a weak smile and internally Sirius grimaced at the effort it seemed to take. He moved and sat down on the sofa, leaving his eyes on Remus.
"I'm sorry about—." Sirius started but Remus shook his head.
"It's okay." Remus' voice was soft and comforting and Sirius sighed. "Dumbledore and McGonagall want to see you. They said they'd come around at one."
Sirius felt the frown come to his face, "Why?"
It was Remus' turn to sigh and he shifted to face Sirius a bit more directly. "Sirius, I had to tell Dumbledore that you were ill so that he would allow me come back in the first place. I didn't tell them…but I imagine that they suspect or know from another source."
Sirius stared at him unable to say anything at all. He wanted to cry. Instead, he nodded slowly and after regaining his words asked, "What time is it now?"
"Just after eleven. I was down at the kitchens earlier this morning, the house elves are going to bring up some lunch for us." Remus said and a small smile touched his lips, "I told them you were ill and they were falling all over themselves to help their favorite student, no doubt we'll have a feast fit for a king."
Sirius smiled a little but his heart wasn't in it. He was going to be expelled.
The next two hours were hell on Sirius' already frayed nerves. He was never good at waiting for anything, especially bad news. He was the quick and painless sort, Remus on the other hand seemed solemn but calm. They had sat in front of the fire quietly until lunch was brought up, Remus chattered a bit about random things that held little weight as they ate their meal.
Sirius wanted to ask Remus about his father, he wanted to know what was going on in his friend's head but he didn't ask. Now wasn't the right time. After they finished eating, Sirius having regained a decent appetite (although nothing close to his normal standards), Remus went about setting up a game of chess. He didn't have to ask if Sirius wanted to play and Sirius didn't argue.
He would like to have been able to say that he was rightfully distracted and lost as a result. The truth, however, was that Remus always beat him at chess. Remus had a good mind for strategy, which is why he was so imperative to their pranks. Sirius on the other hand, acted rashly, and had taught his pieces to talk like pirates. The result of pirate chess pieces was that there was always bound to be a mutiny and sometimes the pieces refused to defend their king, favoring instead to covet his wife. One of Sirius' pawns was yelling at his remaining knight to 'walk the plank' when the portrait opened and Professor McGonagall entered followed by a distressingly serious looking Dumbledore.
Sirius stared at them and barely took notice of the ruckus his pieces caused as Remus packed away the chess set. Remus stood and offered his chair to McGonagall who nodded primly and sat down, Remus sat down on the couch beside Sirius, close enough for Sirius to take slight comfort in his friend's body heat. Dumbledore sat in the chair to their right and folded his hands in his lap. Sirius was distracted by the tiny golden snitches that flitted about the bright red fabric of the Headmaster's robes. He couldn't quite bring himself to meet the older wizard's eyes.
"Mr. Black." It was McGonagall who spoke and Sirius raised his eyes to her. "You've been ill?"
Sirius nodded absently.
"Are you feeling better?" She continued her voice stern but not cruelly so.
Sirius nodded again and Remus sighed quietly.
"Sirius. We already know...about the drugs...among other things." Sirius jerked his head to look at the headmaster, whose voice was somber and compassionate. "This will all be much easier if you'll be honest with us about these circumstances. We are not as determined to punish you as you may believe."
Sirius looked at Dumbledore, the most powerful Wizard in England they said and turned his eyes to Professor McGonagall, stern and yet somehow always able to make sure her students knew that she cared. Sirius recalled her gentle hand on his shoulder, and the underlying compassion in her voice. "Neither I nor the headmaster is afraid of the Black name."
He looked at Remus whose amber flecked eyes were making promises of friendship, solidarity, understanding. Remus who he had nearly taken advantage of, Remus who had held him when he'd cried. He turned his eyes to the fire and after another moment he began to talk.
He couldn't recall having ever spoken so much in his life, it was as if a door had been opened and everything he had not said simply poured out. He talked about his father, and his method of 'showing' Sirius what it meant to be a Black. He talked about Alphard coming to save him, and of telling Regulus to do what he must.
He talked about how things had gotten better, for awhile, when he was at Hogwarts. He talked about James, and Remus and even Peter and how they had made him realize that there was more to life then blood and status. He talked about getting older and feeling desperate to escape from Grimauld Place. He talked about leaving home and how he'd felt when James' father had stood up to Orion and allowed Sirius to stay with them.
He talked about Alphard's death and how betrayed he'd felt by James and his parents for never telling him, how angry he'd been at Alphard. How he'd sat by Alphard's bed in St. Mungo's waiting for him to die. About how Alphard had died while Sirius was talking about buying a motorbike, about how he'd come back and felt like he didn't know how to be himself anymore. How he'd skipped class and stayed out past curfew.
Without shame or euphamism he talked about the girls and the drinking, and trying to feel okay. He talked about Remus' being there, telling him he was still Sirius. Then he talked about how the war had started to leak into Hogwarts and how the ugliness of it had made him feel cold inside, and he talked about the fighting in the corridors and the attack outside the castle that had led him to meet Joslin.
He talked about Joslin without mentioning the others, he talked about how Joslin had given him the drugs and wanted sex in return. He talked about paying Joslin the money he'd won from James and then about how he'd liked kissing him. How it didn't make sense, how it'd confused him. He talked about the drugs and how they made him feel far away and happy, made all of the bad things veiled.
And then he talked about the green house being locked, and Joslin leaving and he talked about the pain of withdrawal. About how he'd tried to do it on his own but had broken down and called James who'd brought Remus along.
By the time he stopped talking his voice was hoarse and he noticed that at some point Remus had slid his fingers into Sirius'. Sirius didn't take his eyes from the fire.
"I knew that it wasn't a good idea, I just…" Sirius said in a whisper. "I didn't know what it was at first and then…I didn't want to stop...and then...and then I couldn't stop."
Everyone was silent for a moment. Sirius caught Dumbledore's gesture out of the corner of his eye and Remus gave his hand a tight squeeze and then stood. Sirius raised his head and watched Remus follow Professor McGonagall out and turned his eyes to Dumbledore.
"Sirius, you know that this is a very grave situation." Dumbledore said his tone unusually flat, "Mr. Cambridge will not be returning to Hogwarts."
Sirius' body tensed. "Because…"
Sirius looked away from the Headmaster, not wanting to hear that Joslin had been expelled, not wanting to know that he would be too.
"Sirius…" The Headmaster took a sighing breath and Sirius wanted to close into himself. "Joslin Cambridge died."
Sirius jerked his head up, a strange sickness welling up inside of him and he could barely whisper out his question. "What?"
"His parents discovered him, unconscious in his bedroom two days ago." Dumbledore's blue eyes, darker than they normally were, never strayed from Sirius'. "They took him to St. Mungo's, he had taken a series of muggle drugs to try and combat the withdrawal from the Gillyweed. The healers couldn't clear his system quickly enough. He died not long after he was brought in."
Sirius couldn't breath, or think. His heart seemed ready to jump from his chest. "He…he's dead?"
Dumbledore nodded and silence drifted around them.
"But I..." Sirius whispered but didn't know what he was trying to say.
"Sirius, it's important that you understand you couldn't have helped his situation, but also that your own is precarious." Dumbledore said and his voice drew Sirius' eyes to his. "Drugs such as Gillyweed, are strictly forbidden and dangerous."
"Will I be…" Sirius started but Dumbledore held up a hand.
"No, we'll not be expelling you." Sirius couldn't summon relief from beyond the shock and Dumbledore continued on. "Madam Pomfrey will be down shortly to look you over, and from now on, I'll be keeping a close eye on you. Your grades, your behavior and you'll have to undergo scheduled testing for any illegal substance. It would be wise for you to keep your toes off the line."
Sirius nodded mutely turning his eyes back to the fire, his mind was spinning and his emotions in disarray. So lost in the tumult of the circumstances, he didn't notice that Dumbledore had moved to sit beside him on the sofa until he felt the older wizard's hand on top of his tightly clenched fists. Sirius looked up to see the strange creases of sadness on the headmaster's face and the flatness of the usually twinkling blue eyes.
"Minerva and I, we carry no small amount of guilt for our own distraction." Dumbledore's voice was warmly compassionate, "We saw and understood enough of your trials, and let ourselves be led astray by your careful façade, my dear boy. Our pride in your strength and aptitude overshadowed our better judgment and we failed you. I will not do so again, but with our guidance comes the requirement of your own willingness to push forth and stand steady once again."
Sirius nodded again and Dumbledore patted his hands. "The war will only get worse from here I'm afraid. Each of us must learn to face this and fight against it, if we are to come out the victors."
Dumbledore raised his head as the portrait door opened and made a gesture of invitation. Madam Pomfrey entered looking worried and near tears. Dumbledore rose and spoke quietly to her before turning back to Sirius.
"We'll speak soon, Sirius." He said and took his leave.
Madam Pomfrey came around the sofa and knelt on the floor in front of him. She lifted his chin and sighed.
"You poor thing." She shook her head. "I think I've been breaking my heart over you since that first time you came to me saying you'd fallen off your broom over the holidays five years ago."
Those words made it nearly impossible for Sirius to keep his own tears at bay. The shame and embarrassment at the answers he had to give to the mediwitch's questions were soothed only a little by her her gentle touch and red-rimmed eyes.
In the end, she had given him fifteen different potions and told him with a shadow of her usual firmness that he was to report to her following classes everyday to be tested for drug use. She watched him swallow the first round of potions and stood to go.
Sirius stood to see her out and had only followed her a single step when she turned around and pulled him into a hug that was as gentle as it was smothering. She wiped her eyes and hurried out the portrait hole too fast for Sirius to respond.
When Remus returned, Sirius was once again in his bed, curled up over-top of the covers. He had been thinking about Joslin, trying to sort out how he felt about him being dead. Remus sat on the end of his bed for several moments without speaking. And then he stood and walked over to to Alphard's old record player that Sirius had brought and spent hours working out a spell to make run with out electricity.
When the music began to play, Sirius choked on his own sob. He hadn't known he needed it, but Remus-Remus had known.
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right
And he wept silently, as Remus settled on the floor beside his bed facing away, giving Sirius just enough privacy for all his tears and yet staying close enough that the hurt didn't overwhelm him.
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
The song played on, and Sirius thought of Alphard, thought of Joslin, and desperately wanted the Beatles to be right.
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right
It's all right
Review me baby!