Four. Stop the world
He sighed.
Sometimes, Van Fanel wished he had six hands. And eyes in the back of his head. And no ears.
He feared the hurricane of chaos around him would collapse right in top of him within the next seconds. Merle was refusing to take her medicine, the floor scattered with his fruitless attempts on administering her the liquid, her screams of protest bouncing off the walls. His supper was boiling over on the stove, some stupid advertisement on TV was annoying the hell out of him and the telephone was ringing like it was never going to stop again.
Suddenly, silence seemed like the most valuable good on the planet.
Frustrated, he ran his hands over his face and rose from the ground, leaving Merle to beat the couch with her small fists. Trying to zone out the whirlwind of noises that was violently stirring the air around him, he answered the phone.
"Hello?" he grunted into the receiver, auburn eyes narrowed at the TV.
"Hey, you sound ready to wipe out an entire species."
Van reached for the remote control and switched off the TV, his ears welcoming the decrease in volume in the room. "Something like this, yeah. What's the matter, Dryden?"
The man at the other end of the line chuckled and scratched his chin, his eyes twinkling. "My wife forced me to do the usual check-up – and to ask if you've got some tomatoes. Coz if not I'll have to go get some." He snorted. "Not that the meal would be fine without tomatoes, no. They are essential, Van. Did you know that? I swear to you if I didn't know Millerna was pregnant, I would worry about her sanity."
Van smiled lightly, knowing that his friend was inwardly bursting with joy now that he knew he was going o be a daddy. He exhaled deeply. "We're not coming over for dinner."
"How come?" Dryden stopped scowling at the kitchen where his wife was noisily working and frowned.
"Merle's sick again." Van turned off the stove and pulled the pot off of the hot plate, burning his hand in the process. He swore colourfully under his breath. "I wanted to call you earlier but we just got back."
Dryden sighed and ran a hand through his curly, brown hair. "I understand. At least, I don't have to get the stupid tomatoes anymore."
"I'm sorry." Settling the receiver between his shoulder and his ear, Van opened a faucet and held his stinging hand under the cold water. "Tell Millerna I'm sorry."
"I will, don't worry." There was a faint shattering sound on the other end of the line right before he heard Van sigh. "You alright?"
The young man looked around his messy apartment, his clothes strewn across the couch, documents scattered on the ground, Merle rocking softly back and forth on her position on the floor, her crayons and the shards of the medicine bottle surrounding her. "Yeah, I'm alright."
"Good. Give us a ring or come by the gallery when you feel like it. Millerna will insist on your promise to visit more often."
Van ruffled his hair with his slightly burned hand. "I know."
"Good." Dryden said again and nodded, more to himself. "Give Merle a nudge on the shoulder from her old buddy and get some sleep, man."
Van gave a dry laugh. "Thanks for the advice."
"You're welcome." Grinning, the curly-haired man adjusted his glasses before swatting Millerna's prying hands away who had just reached out to snatch the phone away from him from behind. "See you soon."
"Yeah, see you."
The connection was cut and Van placed the receiver on the counter beside the stove, making his way over to Merle. The little cat-girl protested quietly when he lifted her off of the ground and placed her in his lap.
"What am I going to do with you?" He tucked a strand of pink hair behind her ear and felt his frustration dissolve when a tiny hand reached out to fist in his shirt.
"I don't wanna drink it. It tastes bad," she mumbled.
There were days when everything was alright, days when Merle felt good, days when he could pretend his life was normal. And there were days when everything went just wrong. Days like this one, when he dove headfirst into a fight with the principle of the school he worked at, when he got a refusal from one of the universities he had applied to for the summer term, when going through the city with Merle turned into a gauntlet, when he couldn't even cook an instant soup.
Days when he wondered if his decision had been right. Days when he wondered if what he did was enough.
But it didn't need so much as for Merle to smile at him, to comment on his cooking skills or to just clutch his shirt – a small thank you in her own simple and uncomplicated way - and he knew that she was fine.
He was startled out of his thoughts when the doorbell rang, the tuneless buzzing sound shattering the peaceful silence that had surrounded them. Frowning, the young man placed Merle on the ground again and headed for the door. He tangled his foot in one of his shirts that lay forgotten on the ground like the rest of his laundry, artfully scattered by Merle earlier.
His eyes widened in genuine surprise at the unexpected guest waiting at his door.
"Hey." Slim fingers reached up to brush wheat-coloured strands out of bright green eyes, rosy lips parted into an unsure smile. Hesitation accompanied her movements.
"Hitomi, what in the world are you doing here?" He ran a hand through his tousled hair and looked down at her, his gaze resting on the bags she had tucked under her arms. "Did I forget another cheque?"
She bit down a grin at the obvious confusion on his features and shook her head. "No, may I come in?" Her words were laced with uncertainty and she nervously stepped from one foot on the other.
"I..." he trailed off and cast a glance over his shoulder before sighing in defeat. "Of course."
Hitomi smiled when he stepped aside and opened the door completely, ushering her in with a casual nod of his head. "Thank you."
An air of vanilla scent followed in her wake when she walked past him and he watched her scan the mess that was his life. She stood in the middle of the room that was his living room, his kitchen and his bedroom. Beside the counter that separated the stove, sink and cupboard from the rest of the room, stood a small couch and a TV set, his bed and desk snuggled up against the wall across. There were some shelves with books and where they didn't hem the walls drawings with odd patterns covered the free space.
There were two doors at the opposite wall, one leading to the bathroom and the other one to Merle's bedroom. But apart from that, there was nothing else. It wasn't a lot but it was enough.
Bending down, Van picked up the shirt he had kicked away before he had opened the door and proceeded to collect the rest of his clothes. "I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting anybody." Hitomi placed her bags quietly on the counter beside the sink and he let his shirts drop onto the couch, his eyes on her. "What are you doing here?"
She brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes again and began to unpack, the bags rustling softly. "I wanted to thank you for yesterday. And because dining in a restaurant in the city would stir too much unwanted attention, I'll just cook you something for dinner."
It was like when she had come to see him the first time. She hadn't come because of the cheque and he had known it the moment she had told him about her reasons, her eyes refusing to completely look at him and her hands twisting the envelope. Just like now. She hadn't come because of the cooking but because of something he was sure she didn't know herself.
"I already cooked something."
Hitomi raised a brow at him and turned her head slightly to look into the pot he had pulled off of the stove. "Ah, you mean this puddle of something that looks like it was supposed to become a soup."
He reached for a plate and a glass that stood on the couch table and gave her a dry look at which she shrugged. The dishes clinked softly when he placed them in the sink and their eyes met briefly over the counter.
"You can cook?"
Crumpling the now empty bag, she shrugged. "I watched people doing it." She grinned into the silence that followed her words and looked up at Van who had stopped beside her, dark brows raised. "Chill, I might not look like it but I dare say I'm an excellent cook."
He stood there with his hands calmly at his sides and just watched her, his dark eyes flickering with curiosity. Hitomi looked like a deer caught in headlights, her posture stiff and her mouth slightly agape. The moment stretched, only the faint noise of Merle's crayons running over paper audible when she suddenly blinked her green eyes and turned away from him, a blush rising to her cheeks.
Frowning, Van turned to join Merle on the floor and sighed at seeing what she had used to draw on in default of a sheet of paper. He cocked his head to the side and smiled, his eyes softening.
"Merle, you're drawing on the phone bill."
"It's nice paper." The cat-girl didn't even look at him and he shook his head.
Van began to pick up the shards of the bottle with medicine she had smashed earlier, the liquid soaking the carpet. "We've got a visitor, Merle. It's Hitomi. You stole her pendant, remember?" Merle's ears twitched when Hitomi clinked with pots in the kitchen and Van looked up to find half of the drawers and cupboards open.
"What's that?" Hitomi pointed with a knife at his hand and placed a pot on the stove.
Van dumped the shards in the bin and scratched the back of his head. "Her medication."
"She doesn't like it?"
"Yeah." She watched him lift Merle off the ground and carry her to the counter where he placed her on a barstool. He earned mild protests that slowly faded when the little girl noticed the sheet of paper in front of her. "It's disturbing her routine. She's used to this very strict daily routine which doesn't include going to the doctor or taking medicine. And everything that only slightly differs from what she's used to scares her."
He sat down on a barstool beside Merle and his shoulders immediately slumped, his hair tumbling into his face.
"You look tired." Hitomi chopped a red pepper and put the slices on the heap of leek she had already cut, watching him out of the corners of her eyes.
The young man chuckled and leaned onto the counter, his long fingers reaching out to grab a glass. "When Merle can't sleep because of her fever she makes sure nobody else gets any sleep either."
A smile twitched at the corners of her lips and she turned back to the meal she was preparing. It had been quite a while since she had cooked something herself. She always stayed at hotels and therefore was hardly in the situation to cook herself. It must have been before Christmas when she had last been in the house she shared with Allen, the house they were arguing about, the house she was avoiding so not to be reminded of better times.
Her hand that was holding the knife stopped midair when she felt eyes on her. It was like the sun was burning her, heat crawling over her skin.
"What?" she asked when she found him staring at her like he had done only minutes ago, his unreadable eyes watching her with an intensity that had her nervous. "Why are you looking at me like this?"
He answered without taking that scrutinizing gaze away from her, "I'm trying to figure out why you're here."
Hitomi sighed and turned back to the vegetables in front of her. "I told you."
"Don't you have anything else to do?" Twisting the glass in his hand, he caused reflections to dance across his features, the light of the lamp split into a rainbow. "I mean I know you've still got some performances here in the city."
She shrugged and put the chopped vegetables in a pan. "Rehearsals are already over for today and I kind of sneaked away when Yukari said she had something to talk about."
There was a brief silence, the sizzling of the butter in the pan drowning the soft noise of Merle's crayons. "Is your bodyguard here?"
"He's waiting outside in a car."
"What?!" Van exclaimed, the disbelief and amusement that were lacing his words showing in a small smile. "Doesn't he have anything better to do?"
Hitomi ran over her forehead with the back of her hand and graced him with a frown. "I'm his job." Now, that sounded oddly familiar.
Shaking his head slightly, he watched Merle align a green crayon neatly with the other ones before reaching for a red one. "Is it really that bad with the press that you need one?"
"Right now, it's actually okay." She sliced mushrooms into the pan and turned the mixture carefully, shrugging a shoulder slightly. "But that's just because Allen's not with me. The reporters turn completely crazy when we're together somewhere but it's mainly because he's got this whole heir-to-the-Schezar-hotel-empire-throne glow around him to which the press is attracted like moths to the light."
Van knitted his brows, confusion flashing in his eyes. "So, you actually don't need a bodyguard?"
"Concerning the press, yes." Green eyes briefly looked at him before she continued. "But there was this incident with a stalker some half a year ago which wasn't nice at all, I have to admit, and which had Yukari freaking out completely. It resulted in her employing a bodyguard for me."
"Yukari Uchida?" He was rubbing his forehead when she turned to face him.
"Yeah, my manager." Delicate brows narrowed. "You know her, don't you? She said something about you coming to the concert because you owed her."
He gave a short but deep laugh. "I still can't believe she remembered it." He looked like a little boy with his lips curved in a lop-sided grin and one eye narrowed slightly. "In junior high, she saved me from being expelled and told me she would think of something I could do for her in reward. She never asked anything until the day of the concert."
"That sounds just like her." Hitomi watched the vegetables sizzle in the pan. "I didn't know you two went to the same school."
"I didn't know she was your manager."
An unexpected grin parted her lips. "That's because we had a deal. If I should ever become famous with my music, she would be my manager."
Soon, the scent of fried vegetables and soy sauce filled the air, a cloud of fine smoke hovering between the cupboards. Van had opened a window and a chilly breeze was crawling into the warmth of the apartment when Hitomi filled their plates. She had gotten rid of her pullover due to the heat the stove was radiating, a few strands sticking to her forehead and her cheeks flushed.
"Bon appetite." She smiled and dove with her chopsticks into the heap of noodles in front of her.
"It's really good," Van complimented after swallowing a mouthful of Hitomi's creation and met her eyes over the counter, her cheeks still slightly red.
She shrugged nonchalantly. "Told you so."
Biting down a grin, the young man directed his attention back to his food and they continued to eat, a peaceful silence settling around them. The night was breathing behind the windows and every now and then there was the silky whisper of the curtain when the wind reached out to run his cold fingers along it.
"Do you miss it?" Quiet and laced with doubt, the words left her lips. Hitomi wasn't looking at him, her eyes trained on the red pepper caught between her chopsticks and he raised a dark brow. "Standing on the stage, I mean."
He looked down at Merle who was leaning so close over her plate that her hair was dangling in her food. Brushing a pink strand behind her ear, he smiled. "No."
Nodding, she pressed her lips together and he felt the urge to say more. "But that's just me. I told you I never wanted to be on the stage in the first place."
"I know." She raised her head and smiled but he saw that it wasn't genuine, her eyes unaffected and cold. "It's just that...it's just..." It's just that there wasn't anything else she did besides standing on the stage. It's just that there wasn't anything else she could actually do besides standing on the stage. She hadn't learned anything. She hadn't been at college. She could play the flute, she could look pretty and she could smile into the cameras. And that was all.
"Is that your friend from the gallery on the photo there?" Van blinked, surprised at the sudden change of topic and turned his attention to where she nodded with her head.
It was one of the photos Millerna had pinned to the wall beside the counter, showing himself fighting with the zipper on the jacket of a much shorter Merle and Millerna beside him grinning broadly into the camera. "Yeah, that's her."
"When was it taken?" He turned back around to study her profile and frowned, finding himself in a familiar situation. As soon as the topic changed to something referring to her she retreated back into her shell, closed the door and began to question him from inside. And yet there he was, answering with a patience he didn't know he possessed.
"Three years ago." When she turned away from the photo and found Van looking directly at her, she jumped slightly, averting her eyes immediately. It was as if she was afraid that he would read her thoughts, read her ugly and disgusting thoughts, read the jealousy she felt for the happiness the photo was radiating. She poked her food with a chopstick and he turned to look at the picture again. "It was when she met Dryden for the first time."
"What are you smiling about?" He hadn't noticed he was smiling and when he tried to suppress it his lips were still twitching.
"If I had told her that day that she would marry Dryden and have a baby, she would have ripped my head right off." Something about him, about the way his eyes were dancing in the shadows behind strands of jet-black hair made it impossible for her to look at him longer than a second without jealousy rising in her throat. She was disgusted at herself.
Swallowing, she wondered why she had come to see him at all. "How did you meet her?"
"That's something you better ask her." Hitomi raised her eyes and was surprised to not find him looking at her.
"Why?"
He slowly turned. "Because we met at a crucial point of her life." At seeing her raised brows, he added as if it would explain everything, "Her maiden name is Aston."
And it did explain everything. Hitomi choked on her food. "Aston as in Aston, the royal family of Asturia?"
Van nodded casually and scooped noodles skillfully into his mouth. Of course. Millerna Sarah Aston, second princess of Asturia. More than four years ago, it had been on the news all around the world, her name in every mouth and her face on every newspaper. She had refused the throne and with it the duties she had been expected to take up. The consequences had followed immediately and mercilessly; she had been disinherited.
And somewhere on her way away from Asturia she had stumbled over this extraordinary man. "The two of you seem really close."
There was a brief silence when Van drowned his water and she watched him closely. "Millerna helped me a lot. She was looking after Merle when I was at work and took care of the apartment when I wasn't able to. And she was...she was there."
He stroked the little girl's head affectionately, pink hair sparkling. A dog was barking outside. "Was it hard? Bringing up a child...was it hard?"
Why was she asking all these questions? And why was he answering?
"Sometimes it was okay and sometimes I wanted to tear my hair out." Van straightened on the barstool and ran a hand through his tousled hair, giving her a dry look. "Just try to change a diaper when you're somewhere in the city and all the places to do so are situated in ladies' rooms. It's sexual discrimination."
Hitomi snorted a laugh when Merle suddenly pushed her plate away and reached out to eat from Van's one. A wide smile spread across his features and his eyes crinkled at the corners when he looked up at the young woman across the counter.
She could feel her heart beat strongly in her chest, increasing rapidly under his smile.
Could it be this
Could this be bliss
Could it be all that I ever had missed
Blinking, Hitomi brushed a strand of honey-coloured hair out of her eyes and shifted her gaze to Merle, her furiously beating heart slightly calming down. "She doesn't talk much. Must be something that runs in the family."
Van turned away but she saw the corners of his lips twitching. "She doesn't speak because she doesn't see any need to. Just ask her something."
Hitomi cocked a brow at him at which he shrugged and faced Merle. "Hey, Merle, do you like the food?"
Merle's fork scratched over the ceramic plate but her lips remained close, eyes darting over the wall. Van tweaked her ear and she shook her head, uttering a sound of disapproval. "Merle, she asked you a question. Don't you want to answer?"
His voice was soft and low and Merle's ears twitched. The scratching stopped. "Yeah." It was a quiet whisper and pink hair swayed gently when she nodded her head. "I like it. It's better than Van's food."
Hitomi threw her head back and laughed loudly. Putting her chopsticks down, she glanced at Van whose eyes were narrowed and leaned on the counter. "I like her."
"You're telling me she's a better cook than I am?" He gave Merle an incredulous look and her fork clinked onto his plate when she let go of it to swat his hands away. There was a gurgle coming from her lips that sounded like suppressed laughter and he continued to rub her twitching cat-ears with a grin.
Faint music was penetrating the walls of the apartment, probably coming from the flat above and Hitomi took Merle's empty plate and placed it on her one. The cat-girl's weak protests mingled with Van's deep chuckles and Hitomi reached for a notepad, quickly folding it into a dragonfly.
Merle stilled in her attempts to stop Van from rubbing her ears and turned to face the young woman, her eyes darting to the paper dragonfly that was dancing between Hitomi's fingers. When she slowly placed it on the wooden counter, the cat-girl reached out a hesitant hand to inspect it and Hitomi caught Van's sparkling auburn eyes over her head. He was smiling.
She smiled back at him. It felt oddly normal.
There was a fly at the wall. A big fat fly. It had probably stayed the winter in this room, hiding within the curtains and eating everything the room service brought, ranging from sinfully delicious ice cream to her beloved grapes. Ugh. She didn't want to think about a big fat fly eating from her grapes and walking with its spidery legs over them.
Shuddering, she watched the fly crawl over the clock at the wall, the seconds ticking away beneath its fragile feet but she couldn't hear any noise. Maybe if she tried to imagine hard enough, she could hear it. Tick tack. Tick tack. Tick --
"Hitomi, are you even listening to me?"
Blinking rapidly, she turned away from the clock and met familiar brown eyes. Familiar brown eyes that were flashing with annoyance. "I'm sorry, Amano," she mumbled and looked at her fingers that were twisting a paper dragonfly she had made out of toffee wrapping. Smiling she placed it beside another one on the table.
The young man on the couch across the glass table sighed and ran a hand through his chestnut-coloured hair, staring down at the documents scattered in front of him. "It doesn't help anything when I'm doing this alone, Hitomi. You know what this is all about, don't you?"
Her lawyer looked thoroughly frustrated, his shoulders slumped and his hands fisted in his hair. "Yeah, the house."
"Exactly, the house. But if you don't want it, it's okay with me." Amano leaned back, sinking deeper into the black leather, and spread his arms with a shrug. "We'll tell Allen he can have it and voilà, one problem less to deal with."
Hitomi hesitated. She looked at Amano, then out of the window, hugging herself tightly. "No, I want it. The house, I want it. It's...very dear to me." Somehow, she had trouble getting the words out. They tasted odd, wrong, as if she was trying to convince herself.
The young man sighed. "I know that."
"Gods, Amano, I'm so sorry! But see, I've been attending rehearsals from nine till three this afternoon, bearing that stupid old man who needs to stress with every sentence and every look that I'm nothing special, just some spoiled brat with too much money." She angrily waved her arms about before pointing at the clock that almost struck six. "And we've been going through Allen's and my finances for almost two hours now and I'm just drained. I can't see all those charts anymore and I swear, one more '1300 bucks for golf clubs' and I'm going to tear down this hotel."
A tiny grin spread across Amano's handsome features, his hazel eyes still trained on her, waiting for a decision. He had his sleeves rolled up to his elbows, his tie forgotten beside him on the couch.
Hitomi looked out of the window of her hotel room where the sky was drenched in purple, the fingers of the night idly stretching across the firmament. "Can we just postpone this? Please." Amano groaned when she fixed her begging eyes on him. "Tomorrow, I'll be more attentive, I promise. I just need to cool down."
He rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Hitomi, I came all the way here to sort this out with you and you're telling me—"
"I know, I know," she interfered, raising her hands, appeasing. "It's not fair. But Amano, these are...these are the bloody ruins of my life and I...I just..."
"I know." His voice was no more than a whisper in the silence after she had trailed off.
"Please."
"Oh, alright!" He threw his hands up in surrender. "What other choice do I have anyway?!"
Hitomi grinned broadly. "You learn really fast."
"Remember who is my girlfriend." His lips were twitching with a well-known smile and she shook her head softly, honey-coloured strands swaying.
"Point taken." Leaning towards him, she rested her elbows on her knees, her eyes sparkling. "Which reminds me that you didn't come all the way only for me, did you?"
His smile widened into a grin that reached from one ear to the other, threatening to split his skull.
"It's okay, I completely understand that. I have to accept that I'm not the center of the universe. Now go."
Amano chuckled and began to collect the documents he had strewn across the place within these last two hours. The papers rustled when he put them back into various folders, his long fingers running through his hair. Creases were visible on his white shirt when he stood, the jacket that belonged to the expensive suit he was wearing slung over the armrest of the couch.
"Thank you." Leaning against the opened door, Hitomi smiled at the young man who was just about to put on his shoes. Faint voices drifted along the corridor.
"No problem." Amano leaned in and placed an innocent kiss on her forehead, his eyes sparkling. "It's going to be alright."
The wood of the door was cooling her skin when she rested her forehead against it. "I know." She closed the door quietly after her lawyer had left the apartment with a last smile, a faint remainder of his fragrance still in the air.
Half an hour later, she stepped through the hotel entrance out into the February cold, Gaddes's tall form appearing at her side a second later. Snow was piling at both sides of the entrance, gray with the dirt of the sidewalk and a few lonely snowflakes were still falling when they crossed the street.
She hopped into the familiar Ford, a hidden smile tugging at the corners of her lips and Gaddes slammed the door shut. She rubbed her hands, trying to chase away the cold that had followed her inside the car. The sun was treacherous, feigning warmth against a bright blue sky but the frozen puddles and people's breath visible in front of their mouths shattered the image. And it was even worse when the sun dove behind the innumerable multi-story buildings, hiding from the night. It was biting cold.
A chilling breeze crawled over her cheeks when Gaddes entered the car. "Mr. Fanel's apartment, I assume."
It wasn't a surprise that he knew where she wanted to go for it was already the sixth time this week that she hopped into the car in the late afternoon but something about his voice made her frown. He sounded like her father when he didn't agree with something she did but knew he couldn't do anything about it.
"Yes." She turned to face his profile, the sharp contours of his face outlined against the dimly illuminated city when he buckled his seatbelt. A jolt went through the car when he turned the ignition. "What's wrong, Gaddes?"
"Nothing, Ms Kanzaki."
She rolled her green eyes with a snort and the Ford joined the traffic on the street. "Don't give me that crap. I've known you for quite a while now."
A smile was about to surface, the corners of his mouth twitching faintly but he fought it down, the grim line around his lips returning. "It's just that I don't think this is such a good idea."
"What?" Hitomi stared at him in confusion, drawing her brows together when he turned to face her at a red traffic light.
The engine of the car was humming quietly, the heating blowing warm air into her face. "You don't know him. He could hurt you."
"Van? Hurt me?" She gave a laugh and held her stiff fingers against the slits of the heating. "I doubt he would even hurt a fly and if he dares, I know where to hit that it hurts and I still have you waiting –"
"I didn't mean it that way," Gaddes interrupted her softly and glanced at her before shifting to first gear and starting the car. "I didn't mean physical harm."
"What?" Her brows knitted in confusion before the words finally sunk in and realization dawned. "No! No, it's nothing like that! Gods, what do you think we're doing all the time?"
He raised a brow and her eyes widened, a blush immediately tinting her cheeks. "No, don't say it! It's nothing like that! We're just...we're just talking."
"And you can't talk to Ms Uchida?"
She glanced at her hands, the city flying past her window. "This is different. It's hard to explain."
"You don't have to." Gaddes scratched the back of his head before drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. "Just promise me to be careful."
"Okay." She looked at him a moment longer and finally turned away, resting her head against the cold glass of the window. Streetlamps rushed by, illuminating the interior of the car and her face in regular intervals, creating a steady flicker.
Van. Somehow she couldn't exactly define what he was to her. In some ways, he was like a friend with whom she could talk and in whose presence she felt comfortable. It could be like this. Friendship. As easy and innocent as that. If she just weren't using him.
She had promised herself to do it only once, to use him only that one time to escape her life for a few hours. And yet, there she was, seeking solace in the little sanctuary he provided without asking anything in reward. The door was just always open.
Upon arriving at the apartment building, Gaddes let her go with one last, meaningful look and she sighed. His words followed her up the stairs to Van's apartment but she chased them into the farthest corner of her mind, forcing herself to forget about them and to focus on what was lying ahead. She was looking forward to this evening. Again.
Faint music was drifting out into the corridor when she reached the floor where Van's apartment was situated and hesitated by finding the door open. Frowning, she took a tentative step into the apartment, rapping her knuckles slightly at the door.
The windows were wide open, the clean scent of lemons hovering in the air. The vacuum cleaner stood beside the couch that was occupied by a pile of clothes, the light on Van's nightstand and in the kitchen turned on. There was a quiet rustling coming from behind the counter.
"Hello?"
Hitomi's eyes widened slightly when a head appeared, sparkling blonde curls tamed in a low ponytail and lavender eyes flashing surprise.
"Hello yourself." Millerna dumped the litter bin on the ground and stepped around the counter, a mixture of confusion and curiosity rushing across her features. The corners of her eyes crinkled. "I didn't expect us to meet so soon again."
Hitomi stood awkwardly in the doorframe and looked around, the silence even drowning the music coming from the radio. "What are you doing here? And where are Van and Merle?"
The blonde woman gave a laugh and brushed a blonde curl out of her eyes, her lips curling upwards at the corners. "I'm cleaning the apartment like I usually do on Saturdays and Van and Merle are at the graveyard like every week. The only thing that's not as usual is you. What are you doing here, if you don't mind my asking."
"I wanted to talk with Van." He hadn't told her he would be on the graveyard today. But why should he? She hadn't exactly told him she would come by today either. She had never announced her visits throughout this entire week and yet she had showed up at his door every day. "Do you mind when I wait until he returns?"
A grin broke across Millerna's features. "No, of course not. Come in."
Slipping out of her shoes, Hitomi left her coat by the door and padded over the carpet to the kitchen. Despite her attempts to ignore the blonde woman's eyes on her, she could feel them burn holes into the side of her skull when she crossed the room and it made her nervous.
She returned the offered smile and reached out to get a glass from a cupboard but faltered when she found Millerna grinning broadly at her.
"You seem to know this kitchen quite well." Amusement was dancing in lilac-coloured eyes. "This is just a shot in the blue but can it be that you're the reason why he didn't come over for dinner this entire week although Merle is already feeling better?"
Hitomi frowned and filled her glass with water. "What do you mean?"
"Have you been visiting him these last evenings?" Averting her eyes, Hitomi took longer than necessary to screw the water bottle and nodded ever so slowly. She was listening to the quiet music coming from the radio, the noise of cars passing by on the wet street outside creeping through the open windows, and she could hear the smile in Millerna's voice when she spoke, "Interesting."
She hadn't known he had postponed the dinner because of her. He had never mentioned anything and she had always expected he was free for the evening. Why hadn't he? And why was she blushing?
The glass clinked when she placed it on the counter and faced Millerna who was leaning against the fridge that was covered with Merle's drawings, the litter bin still at her feet. She couldn't help but stare at the young woman, Van's words repeating within her head. It was there. Behind Millerna's casual stance and the amusedly raised brows there was the pride and grace of someone who had had an entire kingdom lying at her feet.
"He told you who I am, right?"
Hitomi turned away and looked out of the window, where snowflakes were dancing past, glowing a pale orange in the light of the setting sun that had managed to break the layer of clouds at the horizon. Streetlights had already switched on. "Kind of." She tapped her fingers against the glass. "How did you meet him?"
Millerna didn't reply immediately and Hitomi found the playfulness gone from her features when she turned to face the blonde woman. "He found me when I was far from being of a sound mind and that damn chivalry of his told him to take care of me. But I wonder if he had still helped me, would he have known he wouldn't be able to get rid of me again." The corners of her violet eyes crinkled when a smile stretched slowly across her features, white teeth flashing.
"He helped you?"
"He saved my ass. Van's always had this soft spot for stray dogs." She grinned and absently traced the edge of the counter with her index finger. "He was the best thing that could happen to me though I doubt he thinks the same. I was quite difficult in the beginning." Hitomi raised her brows in questioning and Millerna tried unsuccessfully to fight down the grin that was about to widen. "I had this huge crush on him."
She couldn't help but frown when the former princess of Asturia suddenly burst out laughing. "I couldn't think straight in his presence, I was babbling absolute nonsense and made a fool of myself because of being so incredibly clumsy. It was annoying the hell out of me, he was annoying the hell out of me."
"What did you do about it?" Taking a sip of water, she watched Millerna over the rim of her glass.
The blonde woman gave a casual shrug. "I slept with him."
Hitomi choked on her water. "What?!"
"Oh, come on!" Millerna laughed, her eyes twinkling. "Don't tell me this wasn't the first thing you thought of when you first met him! How does he look without clothes? What can he do with those beautiful fingers of his? Nothing to be ashamed of, perfectly normal."
Hitomi was more shocked by the fact that a stranger was telling her about her love life than the fact that she had slept with Van. And with a pang of envy, Hitomi noticed that Millerna didn't even blush whereas her own cheeks were on fire. "It didn't work?"
"Well, it did work in a way: I wasn't forced to kill him out of frustration." A warm smile stretched rosy lips. "But yes, I realized that I didn't feel the kind of love for him like I first thought. It is more like a brother-sister affection."
Beyond the window the night was sashaying through the snow along the streets outside, streetlamps winking at her.
"I love him like a brother," Millerna continued quietly when Hitomi didn't speak. "I'm looking after him."
Delicate brows knitted, the gas bubbles in the glass rising to the surface when she tapped her finger against it. "Van doesn't strike me as the type who needs to be looked after."
"He doesn't, does he?" Hitomi watched the other woman closely, her eyes unreadable. "Van seems capable to manage everything on his own but he isn't. He can play Brahms, he can explain the polymerase-chain-reaction and he can knock a guy unconscious but he can't cook a decent meal or even distinguish between glass detergent and all-purpose detergent. Although he would never admit it, he needs someone to protect him and to take care of him."
Millerna's orbs bore into her ones. "Why are you telling me all that?"
"I don't know. You tell me."
Hitomi opened her mouth but closed it when she noticed that not a single word passed her lips, Millerna's eyes like arrows, pinning her to the spot, unable to escape. The glass slipped out of her hand, her palms sweaty and she turned away.
The faint noise of footsteps wafted through the still open door and both women turned to see Van enter the apartment, Merle's small hand securely tucked in his one. A frown succeeded in drawing his dark brows together upon spotting them in the kitchen. "Why is the door open? And what are you doing here, Millerna?"
The blonde woman raised a delicate brow at Hitomi, the smirk tugging at her lips asking why he hadn't addressed Hitomi at first. "I'm cleaning your apartment, you dork. And I was just about to empty the litter bin when Hitomi showed up."
His eyes flickered briefly to Hitomi before he leaned down to help Merle out of her jacket. "I told you I could do it on my own. But I'm surprised Dryden let you do."
Millerna rolled her lavender eyes. "Gods, if he had any say in this relationship, he would tie me to the bed and not let me do anything until the baby was born! I'm pregnant, not mortally injured!" There was a smile tugging at Van's lips and he straightened, the jacket slung over his arm and Merle trotting off towards her crayons. "I shouldn't have told him at all. This is all your fault!"
A look of complete innocence crossed Van's features when Millerna pointed an accusing finger at him, only the sparkle in his auburn eyes betraying him. "Is it? I cannot recall forcing you to anything when we sealed our little deal in the gallery." He directed his intense gaze at Hitomi and she could feel her heart do a summersault. "Did I, Hitomi?"
She watched him run a tanned, long-fingered hand through his dark hair and Millerna's words rang in her ears, feeding her imagination with pictures that flooded her cheeks with a scalding heat. Shaking her head, she caught the princess raise a brow at her. "No, but you both agreed by mutual consent."
"Hah, exactly!" The spoon Millerna had been toying with clinked when she dropped it onto the counter. "So I wonder why you don't come over for dinner. I kept my end of the bargain, didn't I?!"
A guilty smile curled at the corners of his lips, one that mirrored the one on Hitomi's features. "I guess, I have kept him from coming to dinner. I'm sorry."
The princess narrowed her eyes at her and tapped her fingers on the counter. "Well, if this is the only problem then you're invited as well! You'll both come for dinner!"
"Oh no, it's okay." Hitomi shook her head quickly, strands of honey-coloured hair flying. "I don't want to bother you."
"You won't." Tapping her fingers on the counter again, Millerna watched her and Hitomi cast an unsure glance at Van who just shrugged, yet she saw his mouth briefly twitch with a grin. She smiled.
"Thank you."
"No, wait." She felt Van's presence immediately beside her, the scent of fresh-washed clothes and Wick Vaporup surrounding him. "Let me clean it up a bit."
A smile stole on Hitomi's lips when he began to pick up the clothes Millerna had dumped on the couch earlier. The wind he caused brushed a handful of paper dragonflies off the table and they tumbled slowly to the floor, the colourful candy wrapping they were made of sparkling in the light.
The former princess had left before dinner, excusing herself with her starving husband who was able to burn even water. She had repeated the invitation, giving them both long, hard stares that clearly told them there was no getting out of it.
"Oh sorry, I'm leaving them everywhere." She stooped to collect her creations, blue and red twinkling from the floor. "I don't even notice when I --"
She trailed off when she brushed against Van's hand who had reached out to help her pick up the dragonflies, his skin warm and slightly rough under her fingertips. He snatched his hand immediately away at the contact as if it had been burnt, his eyes flickering briefly. "No, it's alright. Merle loves them."
He picked up the last remaining dragonflies and she stared at him. Several strands of raven hair fell across his eyes that were an even darker crimson than usual. Avoiding to look at her, he turned and the young woman raised her head, a reflection of surprise in her eyes.
A gust of wind caught the feather that had slipped out from between the clothes slung over Van's arm, a shimmer of white illuminating the night. It seemed even the world had stopped turning to watch the feather dance weightlessly through the air, like a whisper about to fall apart when carried too roughly.
Hitomi caught it just before it landed on the carpet, awed at the softness when it lay in her palm. Dropping onto the couch beside Van's violin that was leaning against the armrest, she ran her fingertips tenderly over the feather.
"What have you got there?" His voice drifted softly from the other side of the room, his feet padding quietly over the carpet. "You look like a little kid that got a precious gift for Christmas."
"It's a feather." Hitomi held her hand out to him when he sat down beside her, the couch dipping slightly under his weight. "Look, it's so white that it seems to glow all by itself. Where is it from?"
Raising her head at him when he didn't reply, she found him eyeing the feather with an unreadable expression on his face. He seemed to sense her stare and blinked, lifting his gaze. "A dove?"
She snorted and looked back down at the feather resting in her palm, looking so fragile like it would break when being touched. "Nah, it's too big, isn't it? Are there doves that big?"
"A swan?"
She was about to give him a dry look but stopped by finding a playful grin tugging at the corners of his lips when he leaned over her to reach for his violin. Pressing herself deeper into the cushion, she could feel her cheeks heat up and smell the warmth his body was radiating.
"What do you want to hear today?" he asked when he leaned against the backrest again, adjusting the violin under his chin and raising his brows at her.
"I don't know." Van had been playing the violin every evening, signaling Merle that it was time to go to bed. She had been surprised the first time and had been looking forward to it ever since. A strand of honey-coloured hair tickled her nose when she tilted her head at him. "You decide this time."
Auburn eyes unfocused for a moment and she smiled, knowing he always looked like that when thinking. "Alright. Merle, come here."
Her clothes rustled when she shifted so Merle could sit between them, her striped tail swishing lightly and her chest rising softly with her breaths. The faint glow of the lamp in the kitchen cast shadows across their features and Hitomi rested her head against the backrest to watch him.
A moment of hesitation stirred the silence before the bow finally kissed the strings, the movement that was like a gentle caress begetting a beautiful melody. Pinkish lips parted in a smile when the first tunes weaved themselves into the air and she remembered the piece he was playing; Orchestral Suite No. 3 in D major which was more popular under the name Air on a G String.
Merle was softly rocking back and forth on her spot on the couch, her head cocked to the side and her eyes focused on the ceiling as though she weren't listening. Hitomi watched the cat-girl intently and spotting her ears twitching lightly, she knew Merle was rewarding Van with something that was more satisfying than thousand people clapping applause, something that couldn't be bought with all the money in the world; her full attention.
Green irises darkened when her lashes lowered with her smile as she watched him, teasing her cheek with the feather. If the music born from the strings was visible, she would see it all around him, all around herself, all around the room. She wouldn't be able to see anything but this melody, blinded by its intensity.
It was quiet like children's tears on rosy cheeks, harmonic like raindrops splashing on the surface of a lake. It was absolutely perfect like waking up to a sleepy smile beside you. It was like a dream waiting to come true. It was a handful of smiles. It was a million promises. It was him.
Moving the bow softly over the strings, he opened his eyes and caught her stare, auburn orbs twinkling when a grin stretched across his features. Something inside her stirred. It was something she had almost forgotten, something precious.
She brushed the feather over her lips and closed her eyes.
Could it be true
Can life be new
And can I be used
Can I be used