Chapter 4: In the Dead of Winter

The first time Thor and Loki went on a quest together, just the two of them, Loki was so happy he didn't know what to do with himself. They were young, and it didn't go well, not at all – Loki got them into trouble and had to fix it, as he always did – but it was one of Loki's fondest memories anyway.

It was after they got back, in the quiet of the library, that Loki realized he might be in love with his brother. It wasn't a pleasant realization. He saw Thor talking with Sif, and Thor laughing, and the jealousy that shot through him was so strong, for a moment he couldn't see straight. Thor was his, had been his while they had been traveling, and no one else was allowed to even think they could take Thor away from him.

Except that Thor wasn't his. Thor would never be his, and that was when it really started hurting.

Loki was curled up in the library. A book lay forgotten on his lap as he gazed at the patterns the frost had made on the glass of the window. They were beautiful, like feathers or lace.

"Loki?"

Loki looked up at his mother's voice. She smiled when she saw him. "There you are." He closed the book to show that she had his full attention, though he left a finger in it to keep his place.

"Hello, mother."

She settled down next to him in the window seat. "You skipped lunch."

"I had a snack." He nodded to an apple core sitting on the windowsill.

"Alright." She smoothed down his hair and pressed a kiss to his forehead. She looked worriedly into his green eyes. "You are taking care of yourself, aren't you?"

He looked at her curiously. "Of course."

"Your brother has been gone for quite a while."

Loki's expression closed off at the mention of Thor. He had thought his mother was here for an innocent reason, but no. "Yes," he said, forcing his voice to be calm. "Don't worry, I'm sure he's fine."

"You know it's not him I worry about. You're not yourself when he's not here."

He looked down at his book. He disliked how well she could read him, but he couldn't lie to her like he could to the others. When she wanted to, she could see right through him.

"You were always close," she said, her hands folded in her lap. "You two created such havoc when you were younger, always running around the palace together and coming up with the most creative pranks. I was so surprised to find that you were the only one to temper your brother. I was certain it was the other way around. If it were possible, I always thought that you two should rule the kingdom together." She smiled at him, but he did not respond. She sighed and looked out the window.

"Did I raise you right, Loki?" she asked, and that made him look at her with a slight crease between his brows. "Thor is always throwing himself into quests and hunting parties and training, while here you sit reading books and watching everything. He knows so little about so many things, and you know so much, but I wonder . . . is it better that he's had a chance to live it all?" She looked at him worriedly. "Do you regret the childhood I've given you?"

"You are not responsible for my childhood. You have done me no wrongs, mother."

She pressed a hand to his arm. "I know you miss him. I can only tell you that he will be back soon." She stood and left him in a rustle of skirts.

When she was gone, Loki rested his cheek against the cold glass. His mother had the power of foresight, he knew, though she told very few of what she saw. He wondered if she knew how he felt about Thor. "You miss him." That did not even begin to cover the ache that resided in his chest even when Thor was near.

He opened the book on his lap and looked at the words without seeing them. He smoothed out a bent corner of one of the pages. It was a book of stories, many of them love stories. They were ancient, about times he had no memory of. Love – yes, he loved his brother, but he knew the differences between the kinds of love now. He hoped, sometimes, that this feeling would fade, but it seemed to only strengthen the more the thought of Thor. It was worst in the moments when they were apart.

That was how Thor found him three hours later, his thoughts clearly elsewhere as he gazed at a book in his lap in the library. At his footsteps, Loki's head shot up and his eyes widened in surprise.

"Brother!" Thor said with a grin. "I have returned!"

"Thor." Loki did not have a chance to stand before Thor had dropped into the place next to Loki in the window seat. Loki looked at him in amazement. Thor laughed.

"Is my arrival so unexpected? Mother said she had warned you."

"When she said soon, I assumed she meant it was a matter of days." Loki looked Thor over. "You look well."

"Indeed I am. I will be sure to regale you with tales of my adventures at the evening meal."

Loki smiled, though it was clear he was trying not to. "All the more reason for me to miss it."

Thor grinned. He saw that a book was still open on Loki's lapped, and he leaned over his shoulder to look at what he was reading. He put his arms around Loki's shoulders to grab the book out of Loki's hands. The stubble on his chin tickled Loki's cheek. Loki laughed and didn't let go. "'The tale of how Odin lost his eye,'" Thor read aloud in a dramatic voice. "A very, very, very long time ago, because Odin is so old he was there at the beginning of the world . . ." Loki twisted between Thor's arms, but he was smiling. Oh, how Thor treasured that smile.

"Stop it, that's not how it goes," Loki told him.

"No?" said Thor, and grinned at his brother. "Am I wrong, then? Have I forgotten all my lessons?"

"You are a brute," Loki told him, and pinched Thor's massive forearm to make his point.

"Ow!" Thor dropped the book and wrapped his arms around Loki instead. "No tricks, brother."

Loki squirmed in his arms, but Thor just tightened his grip. "Let me go." Loki abruptly stopped smiling and went very still. "Let me go, Thor." Thor frowned but released him. Loki's tone had suddenly become sharp. "You are the strongest warrior in all of Asgard. Do you not think I know that you are stronger than me?"

Thor was hurt. "Do you think I would I would harm you?"

Loki smoothed out his rumpled clothes and hair like an angry bird smoothing out its feathers. "Everyone knows you are to be named heir. You should not act like a child."

"The announcement has not been made–"

"But it will be." Loki glared at him, and Thor did not understand the pain he saw in Loki's eyes. Loki had lost his enjoyment of roughhousing a long time ago, but he had never rejected Thor's touch so thoroughly before.

"How can you know for certain?" Thor asked, though he believed that Loki was right. It was difficult to imagine their father trusting Loki with the throne.

"Asgard is a kingdom of warriors, and warriors need a warrior king."

Thor had no argument against that. He loosely wrapped his arms around Loki once again and buried his face in Loki's shoulder. Loki made a noise of protest, but he did not struggle this time. "You are my brother, and you will always be at my side," Thor told him sincerely. "I would not have it any other way."

Loki sighed and hesitantly rested his head on Thor's. "It is good to have you home, Thor."

"And it is good to be here."

Thor didn't question how he felt about Loki. Loki was his brother; therefore, Thor loved him; therefore, Thor wanted to protect him. There were some points when he could have put a name to it if he had wanted to, like when Loki smiled at him over a glass of wine at dinner and Thor's heart skipped a beat, or when Loki collapsed on his bed after a long day of training and Thor just wanted to run his fingers through his hair and soothe him until he could fall asleep. But Thor didn't try to put a name to it, didn't want to put a name to it, until Loki was staring at him, broken, with tears running down his face. Thor hadn't realized that his brother had the power to hurt him so much.

"You're not my brother," Loki snarled. "You never were."

Thor ignored him, because this time it was Loki who was wrong. Brother was a word, and to Thor it had always meant so much more than its obvious meaning. It was everything he had ever felt about Loki condensed into one word. He loved Loki so, so much, and that was the only way he could say it. Loki didn't understand that.

Then again, maybe he did, and that was why he didn't want Thor to use it.