A/N: Sorry for the long wait, I was in Edmonton enjoying Animethon 15. It was amazing!
Hyuuga Hinata – Fire and Ice.
The first time I saw him in my garden, I was choked up with feelings. He was most definitely forgiven at that point, and I desperately wanted to talk to him, to thank him, to be on the same page as him…but, I was afraid. He had saved my precious, precious garden, so why was it so hard for me to thank him? I felt awful, hideous, and I hid from him. It was silly of me to think that he couldn't sense my presence each night, as I watched him struggle to do the work I was so familiar with, but I still couldn't talk to him. I was afraid of what his voice might do to me. He had the voice of an angel. So crisp were his words, his carefully constructed sentences, even a simple 'thank you' could have a million different meanings coming from his mouth. It scared me, because no matter what he said, what he thought would come through. And I couldn't hold it against him, because he wouldn't have had said anything rude. His eyes and lips would have been the rude things.
It scared me, rejection scared me. For once, I actually was afraid of what someone thought of me…before it was simply accepting the fact that everyone despised me, and trying to fit their standards was in vain. Now, it was like standards were thrown out the window, everything I had ever been taught, every taboo, everything I had based my life around was gone. And without that security, how could I face him? How could I assume he felt the same way? How did I know that this wasn't simply out of pity for me?
The hardest question for me to answer was: what about Naruto? I loved him; that was for sure. It was a warm, sunny feeling, as if every time I saw him, it lit up the room. His blonde hair looked so soft, and his voice was always kind and passionate. My stomach fluttered when I was around him, my face reddened, it was a good feeling. But now Neji…this feeling made me sick. It was almost like everything in my stomach was about to come up all over my life and just muck it up even more. The fluttering turned to hammering, and I wasn't warm and fuzzy inside – I was burning hot, as if the contents of my stomach were on fire. And when he looked at me with that pain in his eyes, when I heard the struggle and confusion in his voice, no matter how hard he tried to hide it, it froze me. I felt like the arctic tundra when he so much as glanced at me, and he made a huge effort to do the exact opposite. Two years I endured and hated his torturous staring and watching, and now, after all of that…he stopped. He didn't look at me once.
And I thought I didn't like it when he was stalking me. I'd even endure the blazing fire I felt when I looked at him, and the biting, frozen, gnawing feeling I got when he looked at me, if our eyes would only meet. Perhaps, if we stared into each others eyes, it wouldn't be cold, or hot. It'd be perfectly warm…and that's what I wanted. His icy stare mixing with my searing gaze, my soft, gentle voice and his intense, serious tone creating a melody of a perfect match. A perfect match…but, what were my feelings towards him? I didn't truly understand. It didn't help that every time I was around him, it was as if the world had disappeared and melted in a mess of goo, and Naruto, which was usually the forefront of my mind, slipped to the very darkest corner, and the rest of my brain was busy trying to sort out all the different sensations I was feeling.
I tried to occupy myself by training at night, becoming stronger, perfecting my jutsu. But, I couldn't help but check on Neji every now and then, slip into the underbrush and see if he was there, or check the evidence of my…well, now it seemed appropriate to call it our, garden. And he still visited, despite everything. A whole two months passed, and we hadn't so much as said a simple 'thank you' to each other. It took almost all of my strength just to serve him and father tea after training. My hands would get clammy, my body would shake, I would lose control and spill hot water and burn my already blistering body as I tried to prepare them tea. And each step close to Neji was like another ten degrees added to me. I had to get my mind off of Neji…I just had to. But I couldn't, it was impossible. It was as if all my trying to get him out of my mind had permanently etched him into it, and there really was no turning back now, as much as I had wished there could be. I had to get him to look into my eyes. I had to control this heat.
My plan was to confront him at my garden, but of course it took me three weeks of almost standing up and saying hello to actually build up the courage to do it. What should I say? Would it be appropriate to simply wave and greet him? Should I address him the way I would at the compound? Did the fact that we were both Hyuuga matter out here? I don't think it did. This garden had originally been my escape from the clan, and just because part of the Hyuuga followed me here wouldn't ruin that fact for me. It still was my escape, and now it could be ours. Neji and I weren't Hinata and Neji Hyuuga. We were simply Hinata and Neji, woman and man, fire and ice. That thought gave me courage, and I refused to allow myself to wonder what he thought of the situation. If this didn't work, I could forget about him. I must forget about him.
So I stepped out of the cover of the trees, with my heart hammering faster than a hummingbird's wings, my face burning hot against the cool night, my legs weak and shaky, and my stomach flipping around inside my body. And he didn't turn around to look at me, he just kept working. Did he not notice me? Was he ignoring me? Did he wish me to leave? All my insecurities I had pushed away a moment before came flooding back, and I saw black dots dance in front of my eyes. My body was searing hot, and I longed for his ice, I kept slowly walking forward, one foot in front of the other, until I ended up running towards him without even realize it. He didn't look at me until I stopped, merely a foot away from his back. I would not touch him, I told myself, I would not try to cool myself. But I had to do something.
Soon I would faint, this I knew. If something didn't calm me down, if something didn't cool me down, I'd faint. I had been at this point many times before, and it took all of my self control not to reach out and touch his back. I had to force the words I couldn't grasp out of my mouth, I had to do it. I had to do it. Do it, Hinata, talk to him.
"Neji…"
My voice was barely a whisper, and it cracked the moment I tried to say the second syllable of his name. But I did not stutter, and his back went rigid. The back my eyes were glued on was now stiff, and his hands were shaking, ever so slightly.
"Neji nii-san, why are you here?" Again, my voice was almost quieter than the whisper of the trees, but it was strong, and sure. More so than I was, but this is what I had been practicing. Oh no, I was going to faint, please Neji, say something…
This was nothing like the times he and I talked to each other before. I think it was because out here, we weren't Hyuuga. We were totally different people, had totally different feelings, and had more insecurities than ever. I think…I think we were both frightened of ourselves. I needed to hear his voice, his angelic voice tell me that I wasn't awful. That I had a right to be out here, that everything I was feeling wasn't wrong.
"I am tending to your garden, Hinata-sama," he whispered back, his voice slightly louder than mine had been.
It wasn't what I was expecting – his voice was sincere, and there was a lot of pain. He slowly turned around and his eyes met mine, for a fraction of a second, and they were liquid, and cool, and instantly the heat in my body boiled over. I let out a small gasp, and covered my mouth, my legs stiffening together and I looked at the ground.
"P-please," ugh, I stuttered, "Please don't call me 'sama', nii-san."
It just felt wrong, to be treated so highly, so sincerely, by him. As if he and I were on a completely different planet. Please, Neji, cool me down, I shall faint if you don't. In my mind, I pleaded for him to make sense, for us to be right where we were before.
"Stop calling me 'brother', then," he said, his voice strong and righteous. He made the word 'brother' sound taboo, sound awful, like it should never be spoken around anyone ever again. It scared me.
"I'm…"
What am I? Who am I? What was happening? Is this a dream?
My body had to speak for me now, because my voice would no longer work. There he was, standing in front of me, and he could cool me down. I was seeing black dots, and a red haze clouded my vision. Slowly, ever so slowly, my hand reached out for him. I wanted to touch his bare skin; I wanted to stroke his perfect porcelain face, his lips, his hair. He made no move to stop me, only his cooling gaze pulled my eyes up to his. And then my fingers reached his face the same moment his eyes reached mine.
His skin was so cool, so soft, his jaw line strong and masculine. His lips weren't as thin as I'd thought they would feel – they were perfect. My fingers traced lines along his mouth and my own lips pressed together in a thin line. His eyes were cooling as he looked down at me, his lips not smiling, but his expression saying enough. He wasn't angry, but he was allowing, only for a short time. I used my other hand to cup his face, while my right hand slowly slid down to his neck. My body slowly began to cool down, and I felt weak and tired, as if he had drained the life out of me, but I felt better than I had in a long time. My vision slowly started to turn from red, to blue, to grey, and my legs gave out on me.
All went black, and I gladly fell into the abyss of my mind.
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Finally, some Hina Neji.