The clown in your dreams Chapter 4: First Mask:Happiness Part II, a d.gray-man fanfic

Hey! First of all, I'm sorry for have taken a whole week when I said I was going to update soon… you'll see, I just didn't thought it'll take me so long to write all of this… And it's a possibility that this chapter becomes a little confusing.

Thing happening between Lenalee and the clown

Things happening in memories

"Thoughts"

"Voices inside of the head/ voices from the mirror"

I think that's the basic to understand it, but if you see it too complicated please let me know.

Pairings: None, no matter what you see, this story is not meant to have any pairing just friendship. But if you wish, you can interpret as you want.

Diclaimer: I don't own D. gray man

Chapter four

First Mask:

Happiness

(Part II)

Lenalee groaned softly as she stirred from her little black out. When her body reached the bottom of the endless pit she lost consciousness. The young girl opened her eyes, and to her utter frustration, there to welcome her, was her annoying clownish guide. Who, by the way, acted as if he had not just pushed her into the greatest fall of her life. He was looking at her closely, crouched in front of her. His smile was still present as he waited for her to recover her senses.

She felt like glaring at him but knew better than to scare the dream clown by now, the only thing her wrath could achieve would be a funny trick on his part and more frustration on hers.

Lenalee turned to look better at the things around her, maybe that way she wouldn't strangle him. She had landed on the floor of a little room. There was a door on the right wall, a dresser and a bed on the left wall. The floor was made of wood and on the wall near her was a window with nice curtains. The whole room had a warm and welcoming feeling, and Lenalee felt a little nostalgic about it.

A gloved hand was offered to her. She thought whether it was a good idea to accept his help or going to search her way out of this dream. The clown boy seemed to read her thoughts on her doubtful face for he started to nod his head in a frantic way. "So you think I believe you didn't do it on purpose? Common Allen-kun, you were there waving at me" she frowned deeply, making the boy sweet drop slightly as he scratched the cheek of his mask. How nervous that smile seemed now. The clown offered his hand again shaking it a little, urging her to take it. It looked like he couldn't afford to loose more time.

Lenalee looked at it and since she didn't had a clue of where they were, she decided that she couldn't lose anything by going along with his game. After all, she had already fallen into raw darkness, what more could he do to her? The guide helped her on her feet and cleaned the imaginary dirt on her clothes with an inexistent duster. She glared at him slightly, not enough to alarm him, but enough to let him see her feelings.

"Where are we?" she asked aloud. The boy faced her and pointed to the outside of the window.

The Chinese girl leaned to look better and saw the streets of a lively city. The houses were constructed tightly together and the streets were covered in cobblestones. People were strolling by minding their business. For some reason it all looked very familiar. She turned to Allen and found him looking at something on the side of the bed. The clown boy raised a white finger to tell her to stay quiet and with a black one told her to come closer. Lenalee did as he asked and went to the other side of the bed. What she found made her gasped.

There, hiding on the other side, resting against her bed, was the little version of her. The same she had seen on the mirror's reflection. The only difference was that the little girl was on a casual black dress and not in her exorcist uniform as before. Little Lenalee had a really sad face and her eyes were red and puffy, as if she had being crying for a long time. Allen's white gloved hand went to the girl moving as if to pat her head, but each time his hand went through the image. When the boy looked at her partner she understood his message. These were only images, just memories. But the question was, from when?

Her answer came when she heard the sound of the door opening.

When she saw the two figures that entered her heart skipped a beat as soft tears burned in the corners of her eyes.

"It… it can't be…" she mumbled as the two men neared the girl on the floor. The clown boy skipped to Lenalee's side not caring at all for the fact that he went through two bodies. "It can't be them…"

Suddenly, it was as if she was part of the audience and these images were the actors and actresses that played their parts without acknowledging the presence of those looking at them.

"Miss Lenalee, please cheer up, is such a beautiful day" said an elderly voice. The man who spoke had dense grayish beard and thick eyebrows, but he was obviously going bald. He looked in his middle fifty's but his body seemed in perfect condition under his finder coat "It'll be such a pity to waste it inside this inn"

"Yeah, miss Lena how about a little walk around the city?" The one who spoke this time was a young man of maybe twenty years. He had black short hair and was wearing his finder coat also. He walked to the window and opened it breathing deeply "Ah! What a beautiful summer day!"

Lenalee smiled sadly as she looked at the two men who were trying to make her little self smile. The clown looked at her, expecting to hear an explanation. She didn't think it, the words just came out.

"They are Alexander and Romario. When I started to take mission after brother came to be supervisor, three years after they took me to the organization. I was eleven so he really didn't want me to go with just anyone. So he searched between the finders till he found some people he could trust in" the smile on the boy's mask encouraged her to go on "Alexander, the older one, had a little daughter before he came to the HQ; she was killed by akumas, so he became a finder in her memory. And Romario had a baby sister he had to say goodbye to before joining. They both took me in as family… they and…their squad leader"

She felt a soft pressure in her chest as realization hit her.

She knew now when she had been in that place. It was in her 5th mission. It was the second time she recovered innocence and it was the first time she had to lose someone so close to her. In the other missions she'd seen many finders die, but this was the first time she had been responsible for the death of one of her most important people. Joseph was his name. He was one of the most kind and dedicated finders out there. He was the leader of the squad and had always taken good care of her. Her brother trusted him deeply. And he loved little Lenalee as if she were his own daughter. But he loved her maybe too much, for he couldn't help running in the fire's way to protect the poor child from an akuma attack. Joseph perished while covering her, his body consumed by the virus, as his comrades trapped the monster with their talismans. It was the first time she felt so lost since her brother came back. The last thing she saw before her became dust was his smiling face. The girl was devastated.

"Miss Lenalee, if our leader was here he would have been very sad to see you like this" reasoned Alexander with soft voice, he obviously wasn't used to give comfort "he would like you to be happy and go on. He did what he did because he believed you'd be able to survive to smile again" the voice of the man had a persuading edge to it and made little Lenalee wake from her trance.

"Alex is right. Come on Miss Lena, let's go out for him. Let's enjoy the sun that we can see thanks to his effort" the young man said getting annoyed looks from his elder who obviously wasn't pleased with being called Alex by the boy.

Lenalee smiled. Romario was the most enthusiastic guy she knew. It was like a dark haired finder version of Lavi. Alexander was more serious, and normally kept reprimanding the younger for his oblivious attitude and for calling him Alex, because Alexander was a noble name that deserved respect for its history and blah, blah, blah…, a little like Kanda did. She lowered her head at the thought that came to her mind. If Romario was like Lavi and Alexander was like Kanda, then maybe Joseh was like Allen, always thinking about others well being before themselves. Always throwing themselves in danger's way.

That made her remember that ut of her dream world and away from this imaginary version her sub consciousness had conjured up of the clown boy, the real Allen was fighting to stay alive. She felt a little scared as she wondered whether there had been any changes in his condition.

Lenalee felt a tap on her shoulder. The clown was indicating her that the two finders and her younger self were leaving them behind, which apparently wasn't part of the plan, so she found herself being dragged by the hand. The two fallowed the memories out of the room, down the stairs and out of the door of the inn.

"Where are we going Alexander?" asked the little girl to the man that held her little hand in his. The man smiled at her trying to make her smile also, but the girl just kept her sad expression.

"Well, we are going to an event that our leader of squad had wanted to take you" the man noticed the sadness growing in the girl's face at mention of the deceased man "But for today, we will all be happy and enjoy as he wished us to do so, ok?"

The little girl nodded slowly and asked "what kind of event?"

The young boy took her hand from Alex's and with a quick move hoisted her over his shoulder "It's the most awesome place for any child!" he said as he pointed a great amount of people, going down the street "It's the town's fair!" his enthusiasm obvious as he skipped following the mass of people with little Lenalee. Alex just stared and sighed, he was having a hard day.

"Stupid child, YOU BETTER DON'T DROP MISS LENALEE!" he yelled as he run after them.

Behind them, the clown and the actual Lenalee sweat dropped."Yeah, things were like that usually…" Lenalee run after them, and this time she noticed that Allen was following her lead.

The fair was full of people and everywhere you could find different stands selling food and goods. Also, there were a great number of people making street performance. There was a fire-eater on one corner, a puppet and a storyteller, some clowns and jesters. A mime and a singer were in front of fountain and an orchestra and many others in a little park. Yet Little Lenalee didn't feel like being there at all.

"I felt empty inside, even thought Alex and Romario did their best to cheer me up… I couldn't forget that Joseph wasn't there anymore" she explained to the clown as they walked "I don't remember this day much… I only keep the memory of being very perturbed by Joseph's death and that Romario and Alex tried to make me smile… I just wanted to be alone for a while… but aside from that everything's blurry… wonder why it was…"

The two watched silently as the three members of the order mixed between a mass of people "Wait!" Lenalee's hand went to the clown's arm without thinking and taking the boy by surprise "I think I do remember this part, come over here" she dragged the white figure to the side of the fountain and told him to wait there with her. And just as she expected, a minute or so later, her younger self appeared right at their side panting slightly. The little exorcist child turned around to see the crowd pushing her guardians away from her as their desperate calls for her were covered by the mass of voices talking.

The clown boy looked at the younger version of the girl he had recently given the leading rights to with curiosity. Then looked at the actual Lenalee, his mask still smiling as his body language told her he didn't get what was going on.

Lenalee felt somewhat better to know that at this part of her dream, she had the control over what was happening. It felt nice to know that she knew something that Allen didn't in this memory lane. Only because of that she felt that sharing with her imaginary comrade about that piece of her past wasn't bad, besides, she was slowly starting to recover her memories of that day, as if every step the little version took, she remembered it more clearly.

"I said I wanted to be alone, didn't I?... It was nice to share with Alexander and and Romario, but every time I saw at their faces I was able to tell that their smiles were faked. They were trying to make me feel better, even thought they were hurting for their friend's death." She said looking at the masked boy "We could say they were sporting smiling masks just as yours Allen-kun… but yours was definitely better at that" "I felt guilty to be such a burden to them, and decided that if I left them for a while, I may be able to sort out my feelings and maybe they will be able to stop hiding behind their smiles…" shaking her head she sighed " I was young and confused, I didn't thought that I may end up worrying them more because of it" then looking at the back of the head of the little girl she said "shall we follow?"

The clownish Allen nodded his head in agreement as they went after the run away girl.

"I'm not quite sure what I may have been thinking, but I believe that it was between the lines of 'Joseph is dead' and 'it was my fault'. I think I wanted to find a good place to hide and cry my heart out till I couldn't anymore, but in a crowded place like a fair it was impossible to find such place" Lenalee looked at her disoriented younger self "I must have been lost in more ways than I thought… but I felt so scared… so depressed… so… could you stop that?!" she grumbled in frustration.

For the past few minutes, her ex-guide had been juggling his white spheres not stopping at all to give her a signal of been listening "are you even paying attention to what I'm saying?" the boy nodded softly as they continued walking "Then, are you going to stop?" he shook his head in a 'no' "You really like to do it then?" he nodded happily and she let out a tired breath she'd been holding without knowing "Well, if it makes you happy do as you wish, just don't hit yourself again, please" he nodded again, but suddenly and to her surprise, he threw all the balls to the air and they never came down. She kept looking up to the sky were they had disappeared but the gloved black hand that tapped her on her shoulder called her attention back. When she looked at him, she noticed he was pointing to a group of people that were conglomerated around something in a corner. Many were clapping and some where laughing. Lenalee saw her little self watching with something akin to curiosity in her eyes.

The little girl tried to get closer to have a better look at the performance that was in display, for a simple moment distracting her mind of her troubling thoughts. But even as she tried she couldn't get near. There was too many people, many of them were grown ups and they blocked her view completely.

The girl stood a little back from the crowd, her eyes going dull again as she turned to leave.

"I wanted to see what was at the other side of all the people but they didn't budge a little to let find out. I thought that I better should go… but the…" Lenalee's eyes went to the center of the conglomeration.

The sound of something tumbling to the hard floor as a kid yelled 'FREAK!' was heard.

The crowd started to leave slowly, many people making disgusted noises as they left.

The young version of Lenalee got near to the dissipating group of people. Between them she was finally able to spy the center of all the attention.

Lenalee narrated it as if she was seeing again through her younger eyes.

"It was a little clown. I barely saw him, he took all his instruments and left the scene a little too fast for me to see him in detail… he run away from the place before I could say anything, but in his hurry he let one of his toy balls fall behind" She saw how her little self took the red sphere in her hand "I was taught to return things to their owner and even thought I wanted to be alone, I thought that I should give it to the boy"

The girl started to run in the direction she had seen the boy disappear.

"If I recall correctly he'll be by the river bank. Come on, let's hurry" the clownish Allen followed making pirouettes as they made their way.

"I saw the little tent near the riverbank, and decided to go there to see if the boy was hiding inside. I was surprised when I saw him outside, his hands over a big and colorful ball as if he were to be searching it for any tears"

The little clown turned to see her when he heard the sound of footsteps from behind. He looked startled by her presence at first but soon he was giving a sweet smile.

Now that the little exorcist was near, she was able to see him better. The boy was slightly shorter than her, maybe younger. His face was completely painted in white and the mouth and nose were red. His right eyelids were blue and the left eye had a blue four pointed star painted on it His somewhat short brownish hair was tied up over his head creating a funny and messy bun, as the rest of it fell naturally. He was dressed in oversized clothing that almost seemed to eat his hands and feet. He had a big clown collar in his neck and a single big button on his chest. The clothing was colorful as the make up on his face. The little girl looked confused.

"I wondered how he could move with those uncomfortable looking clothes" answered Lenalee to the silence of her ex-guide.

"Y-you dropped this" said the little girl showing the red ball to the smiling boy. The child looked to the side towards the tent were some spheres could be seen on the floor. He run to them and looked at them counting them with some difficulty.

"on-one… two… thr-ree-four… ah… geez…" The clown child turned to look at her and laughed nervously "hehe… didn't notice… thank you" he took the ball from her hand and put it in the floor next to the others.

"Why did you run?" the girl asked.

The child clown looked at her and frowned softly as he touched the big ball he'd been looking at before.

"Had to make sure… that it could be repaired" the boy showed a little sewed tear on the side of the sphere.

The little girl looked at it closer "Why did it break?"

"A boy used a slingshot while I performed, the rock hit it and I fell" his childish voice was coated with a weird faked accent that hid his emotions pretty well from showing in his voice.

"Why would they do that?"

"Guess he didn't like my act" the little girl saw how the child was trying his best to look happy, the painted smile helping him on that, but the frown in his eyebrows gave him away "I'm not so good yet" he said with a big smile "I'm learning to be a clown; I'm not so good yet!"

She looked at him

"Are you really not good?" at her question the boy looked at her confused "I wasn't able to see your performance, so I don't know if you're not good at it. Can you show me?"

The boy looked at her with a spark of hope in his somewhat blue eyes. "You wanna see me act?" she nodded softly.

"I can't really explain why I had offered to see his act. Maybe I had the wish to distract myself or maybe it was part of a morbid desire to know why the child clown deserved to be called 'Freak' and be thrown to the floor. My mind was divagating with dark ideas. His cheerful attitude made my gloomy head a little slow. Whatever my excuse may have been, I believe that the true was that the child inside me wanted to get out somehow, and needed it desperately"

- -

He jumped up and down in his baggy clothes "Yeah! No problem Miss!" excitedly the boy went to retrieve his five spheres and the big ball then put the spheres inside his right pocket in his oversized pants. Then he turned to look at her and said sheepishly "um… would you care to give me a hand?" Little Lenalee looked at him blankly, he scratched the back of his head "I'm… kinda…well… short" his face would have been blushing had it not being painted white "I need someone to hold the ball still as I use that box to stand over it" the boy pointed to a wooden box at the side of the tent with his left mitten.

The exorcist girl nodded in understanding then took a hold of the ball as the boy brought the box.

"He looked so exited I just felt compelled to help him. Besides I couldn't loose more than I had already lost, right?"

"I just need to hold it, right?" she asked a little nervous as the boy tried to set a foot over the ball.

"Yeah, just that, wait a second" he had some difficulty but was able to finally stand over it "Ya! Now you can let go miss" she did as he said and the boy wobbled a little but soon recovered the balance over the ball. He spread his arms to the sides of his body helping him as he got used to it. She looked at the child impressed that someone shorter than her was able to do that.

"Awesome" she said.

The boy chuckled as he looked at her grinning widely.

"Took me long to be able to keep my balance on it. My mentor normally leaves me over this ball before he goes to do his own performance so that I can practice"

"He leaves you?"

"Yep… I must stay over it all the time I can. Like a game, I mustn't fall till he comes back or I loose" the clown child laughed again "It used to be very difficult at first, I wouldn't stop falling constantly… I got mad at it, but he promised that when I got to make a good performance he would let me act by his side"

The little girl almost smiled at his words

"He had such a spirit when he talked about this great wish he hoped to achieve. Compared to the mission that was given to the exorcists I felt that was a feeble goal. Compared to the training an exorcist had to go through, his was just a game, I thought 'This boy has never felt the suffering of the battlefield'" Lenalee smiled sadly "He was so lucky. And he was very good at it, he would get his wish" a frown appeared on her face "Some one younger than I, and I felt so jealous of him. Now I feel guilty of it, but at that time I felt jealous. He was a normal person, a civil. He wasn't going to see his whole family dying in front of him, nor would he die alone. I felt jealous and I hated it. So I try to distract my trail of thoughts by concentrating on his act"

"Ok, I think I've got it" the clown searched his pocket and pulled three of his spheres "Now look closely"

The girl watched as the child stated juggling with the three balls while keeping his balance. Then as he grew more confident, the child took one and then two more spheres.

Lenalee watched by her younger self how the child clown did a very interesting act then turned with a frown to her own clown "Are you bragging?" she asked as the clown stood with one foot over a big white ball. While doing so, he juggled three white spheres with his left hand, balanced one in the tip of his right index and the last one balanced over the shoe of his other foot. The clown was almost at the side of the clown apprentice as if mocking the young one for having difficulty "You know he is way more impressive for being so little right?" she said trying to make Allen stop his silly battle for her attention. The older boy shrugged as if saying 'OK, you win' and made all his toys disappear as he went to stand by her again "Thanks"

Little Lenalee was mesmerized by the movements of the juggling spheres, and could almost feel a smile creeping on her lips. As if by one minute, there was nothing left of the sadness and the smile of the boy was spreading a weird virus in her. No more jealousy, she was too young to hold something like that in her heart, the only thing was that funny tickle in the stomach that tells you that you are having fun. He was inviting her to smile with him and was succeeding. But just when she felt she wouldn't be able to keep her laugh down, a gust of wind blew by and the poor clownish boy lost his balance, only for a second, but it was enough to make him tumble backwards to the floor, hitting his head in the process and then having all his spheres fall over his body.

The girl did not know whether she should laugh or feel worried. She got to admit that it was funny especially with his baggy clothes, but her kind nature made her feel bad by thinking it. "Are you OK?" the clown stood up slowly rubbing his sore head in the process untying the bun in his hair, allowing the brown bangs to fall over his white face. He turned to look at her and for a moment she thought he would cry, but soon he was giving her the biggest smile.

Little Lenalee looked at him, at how hard the little boy was trying to hide his obvious pain and sadness at having failed in his act. The girl felt suddenly very depressed as all the smiling faces of those surrounded her entered her thoughts.

"It was the last straw. I got angry all of a sudden. Everyone seemed to act as if nothing was wrong. Alexander, Romario and now that boy. He failed but he was smiling as if it could repair all wrong. I became desperate. I had failed and knew that smiles weren't going to bring Joseph back. Alex and Romario should have frown at me; they should have been disappointed for I let their friend die. And more than anything, they should have stayed at the inn mourning as they truly felt like, and yet they were out faking to the world that they weren't in pain. It was so disconcerting that I lost it" Lenalee sighed as she saw everything develop in front in her eyes.

"Why?"

The boy looked at her innocently "uh?"

Her shoulders shook a little as a few tears fell down her face.

"Why do you smile? Why keep smiling when you really want to cry?! Aren't you sad? Why does everyone smiles as if nothing happened" she yelled at him in frustration.

"Looking back I shouldn't have taken out my rage at him. The boy wasn't at fault"

The boy's smile become serene and gentle instead of forced.

"I've cried too long… I should smile from now on" he said softly to her with his eyes closed.

"What?" she asked trying to clean her eyes.

"Da… my mentor, told me that after you cry too much, you have to smile much too. You can't go on in life if you just do one of those. If you've been crying for long, you should smile from now on… or at least that's what he says" the boy cleaned his dirt pants a little with his hands.

"But, why smile when you still want to cry?" she asked looking at him with her wet eyes.

"Mmm… that is clown's job" she looked at him confused and he explained "The reason for a clown's smile is to give the audience the face they need to see, then they can be happy, and when people smile, the clown is happy. The great purpose of being a clown is making people happy. Whether our painted face is smiling, frowning, crying or simply doing nothing, the only think we want is to see other's happy… that's what I was taught" said the child as he gave a comical spin.

"You only say what you were taught… just obey orders… just like everyone… why should I believe you… Is that at least what you think?" Lenalee had managed to say between sobs.

Then boy's head turned down as if he looked at his shoes, and then looked up to look at her. His eyes had a warm expression even thought he wasn't smiling anymore. His face looked a little more tired and his mouth was relaxed in a soft line. It was like looking at the face of someone far older than her, she was startled when he talked without his faked accent.

"I think that when something bad happens, there's little to nothing you can do. You can't go back in time and change it. But if turning around you see a bunch of sad faces looking back at you, they will only make you miserable. Between all of that, someone's got to smile, or you'll be sad forever" the clown crossed his arms over his head and looked at the sky "I lost something important just when I thought I had found it… I was sad, so very sad. My mentor was supposed to be sad too, he said so, but he just kept smiling. His smile made me angry, why wasn't he loyal to his words? but at some time I felt compelled to let go of my sadness and smile, and because of it his smile became real" the words of the little boy entered the ears of little Lenalee and carved themselves in the bottom of her mind "You lost something too miss?" the girl looked startled "you said, 'Why does everyone smiles as if nothing happened', does someone near you has been smiling while you cried?"

The girl nodded cleaning the few tears that dared to escape her eyes.

"When people smile at you, they are truly asking you to smile" the boy looked at her again "Maybe, the ones smiling at you Miss, need you to smile so that they can feel a little better with themselves. Maybe they don't know how to act, and they just want to know you are alright with them been there giving their best. For sometimes we all feel like we failed. But at least, if you smile back at the clown's smile, he knows that even thought he did it wrong, you enjoyed his performance" the little boy got closer to her and smile gently again, the accent present again when he said "I may be little and a clown, but I'm not so silly. Da-my mentor says that I've become very wise in the last year" the boy pouched his chest with enthusiasm "Even thought I still can't count farther than fifty and two"

A giggle escaped from her lips as a few last tears fell from her eyes.

The sound made the boy smile widely as he brought a gloved finger to clean a tear from her eye. She looked at him and seeing his smile, she smiled back.

The child nodded happily and offered her a handkerchief that was in his pocket. She accepted it and cleaned her tears, and snot. The boy laughed loudly as Lenalee pouted returning the item.

The child took it and making a fast movement of hand, the item disappeared. And with another movement he made a little flower appear. "For you, young miss" he said bowing at her.

The girl giggled and took the flower in her hand, and as thanks she started to clap.

A happy smile was in her face.

"Didn't know clowns made magic" she laughed.

"Hey! Making a sad person smile is already magic!" The little child looked at her surprised "I made you happy!" he said proudly "He's right! Girls do are pretty when they smile!" his comment made the girl blush softly, but she kept laughing with him.

Then there was two strong voices calling from behind her.

"MISS!!" she turned around to see her two guardians panting as they got near her and the clown boy, who timidly hide a little behind her.

"Miss Lena! We've been searching for you everywhere, please don't run away like that" said the older man.

"Yeah, Miss Lena, I almost had a heart attack and I'm the youngest, Alex should be the one with those things!" said the tired man as the older glared daggers at him. But their bickering never started for a nice sound filled their ears. They turned to look at the little girl with happy surprise as they heard her laugh a heartfelt laugh.

Relieve washed over their features and soon they were laughing with her.

"Miss, you're smiling!" commented Alexander taking her in a paternal hug.

"Sorry to have worried you, I was just looking around and got lost"

The clown boy looked at her as if accusing "Hey!" she exclaimed "I wasn't about to tell them that I had run away, they would have felt sad" Lenalee countered looking as innocent as ever.

"I've been with him. He's been showing me his tricks. He made me laugh much" she said pointing the shy clown who was still behind her.

Romario looked at the boy and searched something inside his pocket "Here little one, thank you for having kept our young lady company" he said and gave the boy a silvery coin.

The kid smiled and nodded.

"Oh, I have something too" said Alex and took an almond paste cane "Here, for making her laugh" the child gave his thanks to the both adults as the older took Lenalee's hand in his.

"Now, how about we go and look at some attractions?" he proposed, she smiled and nodded.

"Yeah! I heard there's an eating contest every night, I want to give it a try!" yelled the younger man.

Before going on, the girl looked back behind her, to the clown child, and waving the hand that still hold the flower she said "Bye" and smiling happily she mouthed a 'than you'

The boy waved back and saw them leave the area as he stood still.

"I enjoyed the rest of the evening, going around town, and even thought I was still a little sad, I smiled as much as I could, so that I would see them smile for real. From then on, every time someone smiles at me, I tend to smile too" she said looking at the clown boy who was standing behind the younger clown "I think that maybe his words were kept in the back of my head, although I didn't remember this day at all. I even forgot him. Somewhere inside the fair I lost the flower he gave me so I had nothing to make me remember. But more than anything, I forgot because of what happened after…" Lenalee smiled a sad smile "I would only remember my three friends clearly… because Joseph died in the mission before this time… and because Romario and Alex died in the mission after this time"

The masked boy tilted his head to the side as he paid attention to her every word.

"The next mission I received after this, they died in the battlefield. Ironically, Alexander died protecting Romario, and Romario died because of the reckless wrath caused after his elder's death. I was left in the middle of a field covered by the coats of dead finders. I think it might have been such a horrible experience that all this good times were erased" she said with an apologetic smile as she got near the boy in clown attire, she then looked at Allen and smiled a little "That mission was also the first time I met General Cross. He was going back after a mission and found me wandering the deserted place all alone. He took me back to he headquarters when I was barely conscious. Brother cried much when he saw me back" Lenalee turned to face the way her younger self had disappeared with her two friends "We better hurry or they'll get too far" she said pushing her memories of later times. She started walking away but felt that there was a slight difference in the atmosphere. And something wasn't going like she expected.

The clown wasn't following her anymore.

She turned around and searched for him with her eyes. She found that he was still standing behind the little clown child a hand on the shoulder of the waving boy. She noticed also that there was a weird feeling when she saw his mask. Suddenly the smile wasn't nice and silly anymore; it felt creepier and even devious.

"A-aren't you going to come?" she asked, a little of her nervousness present in her voice.

The clown shook his head and then snapped the fingers of his left hand.

As if by magic, all the images surrounding them stopped, as if time had stood still. Her surroundings were gray; she and the clown were the only beings that kept their color. The clown shrugged innocently, but the sensation she was feeling was not one of innocence at all.

"What's going on?" Lenalee was starting to feel as if she were in the middle of a nightmare again "Allen-kun, what are you doing?"

The clown raised his other hand and then slowly put it on the other shoulder of the paralyzed figure of the little boy. Lenalee stared at how the image recovered every color (a.n. like from gray tones to Technicolor) in front of her eyes. But the little boy kept still. Not moving from his position as he looked towards the place where the illusion of the younger girl had disappeared. The big clown pointed towards the boy while looking at Lenalee.

"I don't get what you're trying to tell me!" she yelled at him with growing desperation for the surroundings had started to be covered by thick darkness. She was feeling dread creeping in the back of her mind "Please! Not darkness, not again, please!"

Soon, all the landscape had been swallowed by the nothingness. Only the space surrounding the two clowns, Lenalee and the child's little tent was visible. Just as if the spotlight had come back and covered them with a gap of light in the middle of darkness. She really didn't want to get near the clown now, but the closer she was the farther the darkness became.

She frowned as she noticed that the clown's body was shaking with a silent laugh. Allen was laughing at her fear, and she felt a little betrayed for it.

"If you want something, then say it out loud! I'm tired of this! Stop playing around. If you're going to joke with me at least talk Allen!" in her rage, caused by fear, she lashed out with her words at the clown. She didn't even remembered to use the –kun after his name, she was that upset.

The clown stopped his laughing motions and the mask faced her, his happy smile seemed slightly down now. The boy shook his head. She felt somewhat bad for this reaction. Maybe it was because he seemed disappointed at her or because he just showed he wasn't going to talk, whatever the reason, she felt bad.

The clown raised a white index calling her for attention, then pointed towards the little boy in front of him as his black hand rubbed the child's head, the hair getting messier and messier.

It took Lenalee an instant to notice a difference with something she had seen. Till this moment, didn't matter what the clown touched, he would always pass through it. The only things he couldn't phase through were his toys and Lenalee for she was in the same condition. But, now he was touching the illusion of the boy, not only that, but he was ruffling his brown locks.

"Why… why can you touch one of my memory's?" she asked confused at the situation. "The clown is solid to me. My memories are all just images and we can phase through them for we are solid here. Meaning we are real in this place. But he's been able to touch the child… does that means that in this dream, the boy is real?... or is it, that the boy hadn't been part of the images of my memory?"

The clown noticed Lenalee's confusion and looked at the younger clown, who, to her surprise, raised his head to look at the older one with a tired smile. The older clown walked around the child and kneeled in front of him to be able to reach his point of view. The younger kept looking at the white being in silence.

The boy took a white cloth from one of his sleeves, then turned his masked face to Lenalee and with a hand instructed her to look closely. He proceeded to rub the clothing over the boy's waiting face. Slowly, all the paint started to disappear, as if it wasn't ever there. The pale skin of the boys face became visible.

Lenalee felt a weird pressure in her chest as she saw the little face becoming clean, and then how the white clownwent to stand behind the little boy and softly moved the bangs of hair out of his face.

She felt like crying out as all pieces started to fall in place. That sweet smile, that soft cream skin color, and finally the eyes that were clearer now without the make up to distract from their beautiful blue gray, all features of only one person she knew.

But it was impossible. There was no red scar in the left eye nor was the hair white as snow. Her body shivered as she made her best to deny her suspicions. But the white clown noticed her intentions.

Tilting his head to the side he brought one hand to his ear, as if he were to be listening to something. And as if invited, it soon came.

"FREAK!" said the voice of the child from before "freak!" said the voices of the disgusted adults that left after the boy fell. The word was said one, ten, a million times, as if the sound on the background was a broken record.

Lenalee looked at the child whose face had a somber expression and yet it made an effort to smile. She shook her head, she didn't like that face, she didn't like how much it hurt.

The dream clown put a white gloved hand over the shoulder of the boy offering comfort. The little one looked up at the young boy. A black glove touched the boy's hidden left hand and then raised said hand softly to show the mitten that covered it. As if communicating without words the child nodded and in a swift movement threw the mitten away. Lenalee gasped at the revealed hand.

"Can you deny now?"a voice asked inside her mind as silent tears fell from her eyes. The pressure in her chest too great to tolerate, she struggled even to breath. That hand, red, disfigured and so little, so fragile, it made her heart break. The white clown in the back moving as if he were the director of a morbid choir as the voices roared in the back. Everyone shouting "FREAK!" as the little boy looked at his hand in front of his face while tracing it with his gloved right one. His eyes were shining with something akin to madness as his mouth held the saddest phantom of a smile.

"SHUT UP!" she yelled "SHUT UP!" she felt so week so useless. She stood and run to the boy who was still smiling sadly at his imperfection, his shame. She kneeled till she was at his same height and took him in her embrace, crying as she held him close. She cried, for he was supposed to cry and he wouldn't do it. She cried for all those times he would just smile. Behind them the clown continued his act. She felt how the thoughts of her childhood, the jealousy, all those things screamed at her.

"This boy has never felt the suffering of the battlefield" recited the voice of her childhood self inside her head "He's so lucky"

"I didn't know" she murmured as she took his little head in her hands nesting it against her shoulder.

"Someone younger than I, I'm so jealous. He is a normal person, a civil. He won't see his important people dying in front of him, nor would he die alone. I'm so jealous"

"I didn't know!" she said again feeling lost "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!"

It was him, it was Allen. It was the Allen she didn't know. It was a part of him before the boy knew how to hide all of his feelings to the world. It was the part that made him shy of his left hand when they met, hiding it under a glove all the time. The part of his past that developed that sweet smile that would become his greatest lie. She had wished to know more, but now that she was finding out, she couldn't swallow all of it. She might not know much but this Allen's face was like an open book, and the suffering in it was beyond her comprehension.

As the word 'freak' was chanted in chorus all around, she held him near, her hands covering his ears, begging that at least he wasn't hearing all of it. She felt the soft breathing of the child in her ear.

"I've cried too long… I should smile from now on" the little boy whispered in her ear, his words sounded so broken when there wasn't that funny accent he used for his performance "I'm not so good yet" he mumbled "I'm learning to be a clown; I'm not so good yet" the meaning of his words becoming clearer. She held him with all her might, the sounds of voices disappeared and Lenalee looked up to see the masked face looking at her as she felt her tears making her eyes sore "Miss is crying, because she is sad…" the boy pushed gently to get free from her grasp and look at her eyes "You lost something too miss?" "No… not yet…" she shook her head " But I feel like I were loosing someone just when I'm getting to know him" "I lost something important just when I thought I had found it" said the child as he escaped completely from her grasp and went to the figure of the white clown and pulled at his pants. The older boy looked at him "Making smile is the clown's job?" the masked boy nodded his face "Then finish the act" the white being nodded again.

Lenalee stayed helplessly on the floor as she tried to stop her body from shivering, trying to stop her helpless sobs. Her eyes followed the clown as he moved the boy back into the place before she had taken him in her arms, the white gloved hand made a circular motion over the child's face and soon it was painted again, and proceeded to cover the left hand with the mitten. And with a snap the boy's clothes started to become gray again, only that before he was completely trapped in time he gave her one last smile. The child froze in the same moment as he was when saying goodbye to her little self.

Dancing around till he was on her side, the older clown took her by the hands and helped her up. She was still too confused and hurting from the realization that the boy that helped her that day had been Allen. That the friend she thought she didn't knew at all had openly showed part of his real face back then, in a time before she even knew his name. But they had been kids… the time in your life when knowing a name did not matter. And yet her lack of knowledge wasn't the worst part of all, what hurt the most was that look in his face when she felt he looked older than her. Then It was weird but now it was clear to her. Allen wasn't aware of what being a child meant. What could have happened to him to make him look so older at such a young age?

The clown made her back a little away from time trapped little Allen. And when they were far enough to his liking he snapped his fingers again all the things under the spotlight recovered color and mobility. The masked clown told her with his hands to pay attention one last time.

The boy waved his hand slowly even thought the girl had already vanished in the distance.

"An impressive performance" sounded the voice of a man as a clapping came from behind the tent. A grown up man dressed in similar clothes as the boy appeared with a smile "That child went away very happy"

"Yeah… but I fell again" said the boy still looking at the direction the group went to.

"Truth, but the objective is not to stay in the ball, but to make them smile as they see you" the child turned to look at the man "Besides, you can become better. All you have to do is continue trying. No matter how difficult it looks like-"

"-keep walking" said the boy with a smile.

"That's right Allen. Never stop walking" the man ruffled the child's hair and gave him a tender look "But you did run away from the streets after you fell. Your mitten fell off right? You went away without telling me" before the boy could say anything about it the clown put a gloved index over his lips "Don't worry, I already chased away that silly boy who shot at you"

"Mana that wasn't necessary" said the boy fidgeting.

"Oh, it was! No one messes with my boy" his voice had a reassuring hint that made the boy very comfortable "No one will call my little Allen a Freak! It's a fair for God's sake! If they want to call someone a 'freak' they have a great amount of people out there that would be happy to be called that! My boy is a clown, not a freak!" the grown up clown touched the tip of Allen's nose with his finger, and offered him a wet cloth to clean his face.

The child chuckled at his stepfather's antics and accepted the cloth. The boy quickly cleaned his face, or at least as much as he could, a few white spots still there.

"Well, I say that you made a great show today, and you've showed me your improvement. So, from now on, we will be practicing together so that we can develop a dual act" Mana winked at him as the boy jumped with excitement.

"THANKS DAD!" it took a few seconds for the boy to notice what he had called the older clown as he just looked how the boy's face became red from embarrassment "eh… I… I meant…"

"Hehehe, you know, if you say it more frequently you won't feel so awkward when you say it by accident" Mana was laughing as he saw how Allen's face became even redder "Maybe we should include your blushing abilities as part of the act. With your white skin and those red cheeks, boy you look pretty hilarious!"

Allen turned around pouting "stop it" he mumbled.

"Oh, poor little Allen is embarrassed of calling the big old clown his daddy" the grown up poke a finger at the child's red cheeks, but soon he stopped and smiled a normal and sincere smile as he said "But you know? I'm not embarrassed to call you my son"

Little Allen turned with a quivering lip.

"Gonna cry?" asked the smiling man as the boy hid his face against the man's shoulder "You've been wanting to for all day right?"

"I'm supposed to smile" answered a little muffled from being digging his face in the baggy shirt of Mana's clown costume.

"Indeed, but if you don't let it out, sooner or later you'll start crying in the middle of the act. And if the make up get's smeared you'll scare the little kids" joked the man.

Allen punched him softly on the chest making the man stop laughing instantly.

"Mana… can I sleep with you tonight?" asked the scared boy.

In a turn, the clown's voice turned serious "You should sleep in your own bed, you're a big boy already"

"Please" the little voice begged "Don't leave alone. I heard their voices…"

"I know you did"

"I felt so lost… I felt in the darkness of the alleys again… hiding…"

"Don't think of that. You'll never be there again" the man rubbed little circles in Allen's back.

"I hit my head twice today"

"You hit it five times yesterday"

"But today it just feels worse. Mana… Please don't leave me alone when I hurt…" the boy fought to calm himself down "don't leave me when I'm more scared… I don't want to feel it again…"

Mana just hugged the boy tightly.

"I won't" reassure the man as he stood up cradling the child as they shared a father and son moment "That's why the ones that love you are there for. So you can feel them near when you're scared"

Looking at the sunset Mana sighed "Let's call it a day. I'll tell you a funny thing that happened today and you can talk all you want about your day too"

The child nodded as he leaned in the warm and safety of Mana's embrace.

"Wonder what we should tomorrow?" Mana asked to the sleepy boy in his arms.

"I have an idea" mumbled the tired voice.

"And what would it be?"

"I wanna enter tomorrow's eating contest" answered Allen as his stomach voiced his enthusiasm.

The man laughed loudly as he went inside the tent closing the entrance "You little glutton" joked the clown as they disappeared inside.

Lenalee wasn't sure when exactly the change of scenery occurred but, from being inside the spotlight in that piece of space near the river bank and looking directly at the images that came to life, she found herself looking into the mirror from before she fell and seeing the images in it's reflection as if they were a recording.

It was confusing, but at least the final scene of those memories was somewhat encouraging. When hearing the name Mana and how Allen would always be so happy when he talked about the man, she would remember Allen's cursed eye, and how the boy had loved someone enough to feel that he needed him to continue living. She now knew why. Mana might have been the first person to show Allen what it was to be normal, what it was to be deserving of being love.

Lenalee cleaned her tears as they finally stopped. This last part wasn't from her memories. So it was either a part of a dream, or this wasn't exactly a dream at all.

The girl turned to look at the clownish boy.

"You brought me to see all of this?"

Balancing in the tip of one foot the clown nodded happily.

"Why?"

The clown snapped his fingers and told her to look at the mirror. She turned and saw the image of herself in her bed covering her eyes with an arm.

"I don't know you at all" it was her voice, those were her thoughts "Who were you?" Lenalee was surprised to see that the clown had access to her recent memories "I won't let you go till I have forced out all those things you keep inside"

"You… you did this to show me what I wanted to know?" she asked touching the surface of the mirror.

The clown appeared on her side and touched the mirror with his black glove.

The image became blurry and soon change into that of her nightmare.

Allen looked so peaceful and yet so sad. His face had been cleaned but it still showed the wounds of his last battle. His hands resting over his chest as he slept for eternity.

The image of the dead Allen made her feel cold inside. Then the voice of her childish self said

"He won't see his important people dying in front of him, nor would he die alone. I'm so jealous"

The image changed again to that of the corpse reaching out to her with that scared and sad look in his dead eyes as the fire engulfed the coffin. The voices of the shadows saying aloud:

"Is it the boy they call traitor?"

"Yes, he died; they say no one was there"

Lenalee brought a hand to the face of the reflection, controlling herself as best as she could. Everything was connected so precisely.

The image changed for once more. This time it was a recent memory, the picture of the intensive care room were Allen laid in that bed chained to all those machines as they kept him alive. And as she felt the pain of seeing him again in his dying bed, the voice of the little Allen said:

"But today it just feels worse"

" Please don't leave me alone when I hurt…"

" Don't leave me when I'm more scared… I don't want to feel it again…"

She felt a shiver as the guilty feeling grew in her heart at the words of the clown that taught Allen to live.

"I won't"

"That's why the ones that love you are there for. So you can feel them near when you're scared"

The images and voices disappeared after that last sentence.

Lenalee turned to look at the smiling white clown. Her heart beating calmly as she finally understood the meaning of this entire ruse.

"He feels alone doesn't he?" she asked at the masked boy "He has been reaching out to us; so that we could help him… he is scared of dying alone" a soft comprehensive smile in her calm face as she talked.

The clown nodded softly as he looked at her.

"I didn't think that being there could help at all… because I felt so guilty of looking at him, I thought he may be mad at us. But he really doesn't want to be alone in that dark room while he hurts" she giggled sadly closing her eyes "How silly of us. How silly of me" she said with a gentle frown "If I were in his place I would hate it too. Obviously he needs us now more than ever. What kind of friends are we?!" she exclaimed and looked at the clown "He needs someone with him, right?"

The masked boy nodded again.

"Then I'll go" she smiled sweetly at her guide "Thanks… even thought you really managed to scare me, I'm happy I followed you around Allen-kun"

The clown shrugged and with a snap a childish voice said:

"Making smile is the clown's job"

The clown bowed at her and as if guided by a weird instinct she clapped at him with enthusiasm.

The boy looked at her and then pointed to a door that had materialized to the left.

"I go there I guess" she said and received a nodding motion as answer "Well, then I guess I'll see you in the real world Allen-kun" Lenalee waved at the clown and went to open the door.

As soon as Lenalee woke up, she stood from her bed, put on her shoes and ran out of her room. This was the real word; otherwise she wouldn't feel the pain from her physical wounds. Her brother will get mad at her in the morning, but if she could give Allen the reassurance that he wasn't alone, maybe he would be able to fight against death. And if he could survive, then it was worth the effort. She would be by his side. Whether he live or die (and the thought pained her) she will be by his side, because no one deserved to fight alone; and no one deserved to be comforted more than Allen did in that moment.

For a moment she considered going to wake up the others, but she thought better not to. Lavi had a broken arm and needed the rest. Kanda's recovering was fast but it required much energy so he must have been exhausted. And Link… well, even if his leg had been alright he may not want to go with her.

Aside from that, something in the back of her mind told her that it wasn't necessary for her to call them. Besides, she had other things bothering her.

There had been so many things she couldn't understand in her dream.

Why didn't the clown talk at all? Why she wasn't allowed to see his face even thought she knew it was Allen?

Why were they able to touch the younger Allen?

Why were things so real?

How was she able to see a memory that didn't belonged to her?

And what was that odd feeling that came when looking at the happy mask? Why it made her so scared?

She shook her head as she finally reached the medical ward trying to concentrate in the present.

To her surprise, Timcampy was there, floating in the middle of the passage way. The little golden ball saw her coming and waved his tail acknowledging her presence.

"Is he alright Timcampy?" the golem nodded and swiftly went to bit her sleeve, pulling her towards the door, asking her to go inside, to go to his master's side, to not leave them alone again. She nodded "I know. I'll stay with you both; as long as I can I won't leave you alone"

The golem and the girl went inside to make company to the exorcist that was fighting ti stay alive.

Back in the darkness…

The clown waved at the girl even after she had disappeared through the link to her waking mind.

Then after he felt it was enough he leaned tiredly against the mirror. His figure shivering slightly as he turned to look at it. Then, hidden from anyone's viewing eyes, the clown took off his mask and pushed it inside the mirror phasing through it. Music started to sound in the background as if giving a little recess between scenes.

The main character searched inside the mirror that was more like his toy trunk. And after a few minutes he found what he was looking for. Pulling it out and jumping back the clown started to dance as he put a new mask over his face, energy recovered as got the feel of it, preparing for his next interpretation. Fixing the bow of his neck and stretching the folds in his clothes, the boy prepared to leave his little hideout. After all, to be able to go with the second part of his act, he needed to get his next character to participate.

A white door appeared as he raised his hand and with a few skips he went through it.

Well, that was it.

I'm sorry if it was a little confusing, I hope it wasn't that much.

I'll give you a little piece of info from the next chapter as an apology for having taken so long.

The next dream will be Bookman junior's past and nightmare, hehe.

Yeah, and the clown will be sporting another mask for this act… I'll see if I can update an image of the next mask.

Well, you know how this work, please leave you're opinions in your reviews, and again sorry for the bad grammar and vocabulary usage… I'm having a little of a hard time with that…

Ok, see you in the next chapter!