Lux et Veritas
Chapter 4: Breathe
Author: Knowhere
Rating: Pg-13
Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me. Other than that, I own zip.
AN: Thank you for the reviews. It's redundant for an author to state that it keeps them writing, but it's so true. Reading all of the comments just makes me want to sit back down and type. Plus, I just enjoy them! Thank you.
FYI: This picks up right where we left off in the previous chapter. I also reference some details that have been stated in previous chapters, but they're just little details.
Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.
Her forehead is still resting on my shoulder but I've forgotten the time. Somewhere in the back of my mind I recall that we must be heading back to the diner, but I don't want to move. Why spoil the moment we're in? My other hand has somehow found its resting place on her hip. I don't even remember moving it. It feels nice. Right.
She looks up at me and I gaze back down. A breeze has picked up around us and she shivers, coming closer to me. One of her feet have come to stand in between the two of mine, and she's still staring straight at me. But her eyes have moved since I last looked. She's staring at my lips now, and this time I don't ignore it. I know that look. I see the longing and I'm sure I look the same way to her. Doubt has given way to desperation in my mind, and I forget all the reasons why I shouldn't continue. All I want is what I'm feeling right now. Forget what might come. Just forget it.
And it happens. Just a small brush of our lips. Nothing fancy. Nothing that would steam up the pages of a Danielle Steele novel, but just right. Perfect. And I can tell she feels the same by the sigh that escapes when we part.
Her eyes are closed once again and she leans forward towards me. This time, she's against my throat and it feels a little funny. Weird funny. But good weird. She's whispering and I have to concentrate to even hear the words.
"Tell me what's happening." She pauses, but I can't answer. "What am I doing?" I can't decide whether she's talking to me or if she's thinking out loud. "How did I get here?" Her eyes are still closed but I'm staring straight down at her now. "I mean, we're kissing the middle of the town square and I don't even know you."
"Sure you do." The voice doesn't even seem like it's mine.
"No I don't." Replied like a stubborn child. "I know that you like black coffee, that you don't organize your socks, and that you can't whistle but I don't know any more."
"You need to know more?"
She chuckles and finally looks up at me. "More would be good." Her arms are wrapped around my waist now. They feel warm against my jacket.
"Like what?"
"Like how you're doing this to me?" Vague.
"Doing what?"
"Making me feel like this." She's not being very helpful.
"How do I make you feel?"
"Like I can't feel my feet."
I lighten the situation around us. "You must have frostbite."
She's giggling. It sounds floaty and sweet. "Maybe."
My arms tighten their hold on her shoulders. "Maybe I have frostbite too."
"Is frostbite supposed to make your knees week too? Does it make your heart pound like it's about to explode?"
"Our frostbite does." I smile down at her.
"Okay."
The wind picks up around us. I notice that the town square is lit up with only five street lamps.
"Jess?"
I close my eyes to let the feeling of her whispering my name wash over me. "Yes?"
"It's cold."
I nod against her.
Her hands have somehow found their way underneath my jacket and are now resting on my tee-shirt. "We should get back to the diner."
I make a noise that doesn't sound like agreement.
"They'll be wondering where we are."
Reality is like a ton of bricks. "Yeah, we should head back."
Slowly she's letting go of me and in the process she has detached herself as well. We amble back towards the direction of the diner. My hands are in my pockets and hers have hidden as well. But we're walking close. Very close.
---
The little bell jingles as we walk across the door. My parents are sitting down at two tables that have been pushed together to make room for everyone and Mom is chatting with Lorelai. Luke comes from behind the curtain with the turkey in his hands.
"Oh good, you guys are back." His voice sounds foreign to my ears. "Sit down, we're about to eat."
We take off our jackets and I take hers to hang it up. My hand brushes hers and suddenly it's warm to the touch. She looks down and away from me. I avoid eye contact too in fear that it would give us away.
We take our seats at the table, which happen to be next to each other and we're still silent. No one seems to take notice. I scoot my chair up closer to the table and if the others were paying closer attention they would see that I've also pulled closer to her. Still in our own world, I begin to dish food onto my plate. It seems to go by in a blur of colors, but I somehow end up with a little bit of everything on my plate.
The adults are conversing and I playfully bump my knee gently against her own. The movement doesn't even disturbs her leg, but she's suddenly stopped with a fork full of mashed potatoes halfway to her mouth.
"Rory?" Lorelai suddenly takes notice of her daughter across the table.
"Hm?" She's placed the fork of food back down on her plate and comes to half heartedly address her mom.
"You okay?"
She nods and I smile.
As if she can sense that I'm taking pleasure in her slight discomfort, she bumps her knee against mine to playfully reciprocate.
Suddenly, Mom has begun to include me into the conversation. "Jess, I was talking to Lorelai and it seems that Rory also goes to Yale." She smiles over at us. "Did you know that? Have you guys ever run into each other at school?"
My voice has come back to me. "I think I might have seen you in passing or something. Something about you is familiar." I turn my head to look at her.
She raises her eyebrows as if to challenge me to a game. "Oh yeah? Maybe that's it. I was thinking that I might have seen you too."
"Jess actually lives in one of those apartments adjacent to the campus."
I barely hear my mom's comments. I see that Rory has tilted her head at that new tidbit of information about me. "How do you like them? I've heard that they're nice." She smiles.
"Yeah. I like it. Just me and my dog. I like the privacy."
Lorelai perks up. "Rory and I were just looking at one of those for next year. I don't know if she wants to stay in the dorms anymore."
"You can check out mine if you want." It takes every once of self control for me to not make it sound like a come on.
She lifts an eyebrow. "Is that an invitation?"
"Yeah." I smirk.
We both suddenly realize that we're not alone and I drop the look I was giving her.
"Well, that's very nice of you Jess." Her mom replies. "We might have to take you up on that."
I think I hear her mutter underneath her breath, 'I'm sure I will' but I can't be sure if it wasn't just my imagination.
"So where are you guys staying?" Lorelai has kept the conversation going all throughout dinner.
"We've rented a couple of rooms at that little inn nearby." I suppose Dad took care of that for me.
"That's my inn. You'll really enjoy it."
"That's great." Dad's not really the chatty type. He's more like a 'speaks when spoken to' kind of guy.
"Luke, you have really made a terrific dinner. It's been so long since I've had your cooking. We really should make it a point to visit more often. Maybe next time you, Lorelai, and Rory can come up to our place and we'll take you around New York."
Lorelai seems very excited. "I always wanted a native to show me around. The last time Rory and I went we only did the touristy thing, but it'll be great to have someone show us all the hidden shopping spots. Wouldn't that be great Ror?"
She seems jolted out of her daydream. "Yeah, that'll be great Mom." I catch Lorelai give her an odd look, but she dismisses it just as quickly.
"We'll definitely take you up on that offer." A beat. "Luke dear, where's the pie? And the ice cream and coffee? Don't tell me you've hidden it."
"I know better than that. I want to survive the night." A rare humorous side of him appears that we haven't seen all night. He gets up to retrieve the items from the kitchen.
I push the turkey around my plate, hoping that I've eaten enough to not look rude. I just doesn't seem like I'm very hungry all of a sudden.
A clash comes from the kitchen and we hear Luke curse.
"Luke?"
"Lor, how would you feel about apple pie without ice cream?"
"I'm sorry, that combination doesn't exist in my mind."
He looks sheepish. "Sorry guys, but it looks like I forgot to pick up the ice cream."
"No, Luke. What will sit on top of my pie? It'll be like, pie a la...air." She gestures at her invisible pie and I'm amused at how genuinely upset Lorelai appears to be. "Wait! We have ice cream at home. Rory, could you maybe go and get it?" She pouts at her daughter.
"Alright Mom. But only because I know how important it is." She stands to leave.
"I'll walk with you." I hope that sounded nonchalant.
She looks back at me. A slight smile has appeared. "Okay."
---
The bell signals our departure and this time it sounded sweet to my ears.
She stops at the bottom of the stoop and takes a deep breath. "Do you smell that?"
"Turkey?"
"No. Snow." Her voice is dreamy and enchanting. She's drawing me in.
We start to slowly walk side by side. "You can smell snow?" I tease.
"Yeah." She's serious. "It'll happen soon."
I like this quirk about her. I don't argue. "Okay."
She's walking a bit slower than I am and I shorten my strides to help her keep up. She's staring at her shoes. Shy, with confidence bubbling up, pushing at the seams.
"Jess?"
That odd sensation has passed again as I hear my name. I chuckle at myself.
"What?" She's tilting her head at me.
I'm not thinking of anything but what I'm feeling right now. "I like how you say my name." I say softly.
"Is there another way to say it?" She's not getting the point. But it's cute.
"No, there isn't."
She's intrigued. "Then what is it?"
"It's just after hearing you call me Mr. Mariano for a couple of months, it's nice to hear you use my first name."
"Oh." She smiles.
We keep walking. The town is so quiet that our footsteps actually sound louder than normal to my ears. Either that or my senses are just heightened by being near her. This is peaceful. Very relaxing.
We pass many cookie cutter houses but seeing them just makes me realize the charm of this little town. I can picture the people being friendly to one another, and it would be like walking onto the set of Cheers, where everybody knows your name. Surprisingly enough, the thought of living like that doesn't make me want to gag.
I think we're nearing her house because she's started to fumble around her pockets for her key and I spot the mailbox that clearly has 'Gilmore' stenciled across the surface.
"So this is home sweet home." She sounds nervous.
I pretend not to notice. "It's nice."
The door opens with a bit of a creak and I follow her through the threshold.
She clears her throat. "Um, living room, upstairs, kitchen, and my room." She points in the general direction of each location.
"Wow, you are quite the tour guide."
"Yeah, I am the best." She's blushing.
"Oh you're definitely something." I mumble.
She turns around. "Did you say something?" She tilts her head just for good measure.
"Nope." Smooth Mariano. Smooth.
I see her rummage through the freezer and she pops her head back out, victorious. "Got it. Plain vanilla, the best kind of ice cream with pie."
I've wandered slowly towards her direction and I peer into a room on my right. It's dark, but I can safely guess that it's her bedroom. There's a large bookshelf that is completely packed with various titles. Some Yale insignia decorate her wall, and oddly enough, there's some Harvard posters also. Without noticing, I've taken a step across the door, but not quite stepping inside yet.
"You can go in if you want."
Shocking me out of my reverie I reply, "You sure?"
"Yeah."
I finally go inside and she's flipped on the light switch, bathing the room with an iridescent glow. "It's nice. It's very...you." I'm not quite sure what I meant by that.
"Thanks." But apparently it must make some sense to her. Either that or she doesn't question compliments.
I slide out her chair at the desk a bit, and plop down. She's settled lightly on the bed, adjacent from me. I swivel around gently, and close my eyes just to absorb the moment. For some reason, the room makes me calm. It makes me feel at home even though I don't belong here.
The bed creaks a little and I open my eyes and turn to look at her. She looks nervous. "You okay?"
"Yeah. I'm fine." That's the worst lie I've ever heard in my life. And I've heard some pretty lame ones.
"You sure?" In this environment, asking her again if she is okay doesn't feel like prying. It feels natural. Concerned.
"No." She chuckles. But it comes out uncomfortable. "I want to ask you something, but I don't know if I should."
"You can ask whatever you want." Really? Am I going to answer truthfully any question that flies out of her mouth?
"I don't know if I want to ruin the moment."
"What moment?" I'm slightly confused.
She shifts her weight again and the bed responds with another small noise. "It's just that you look..." She's gesturing with her hands. "...happy, I guess. Comfortable, maybe that's a better word."
"Comfortable?"
"Being here with you is nice. And for the first time, you're not trying to leave because of our situation. And I like that. I like being with you without thinking about anything else."
Finally I begin to understand. "But?"
"But, I still think about what's going to happen once we leave."
"Leave?" Where?
"When we go back to school. Or hell, even when we leave this room and go back to the diner. What's going to happen tomorrow when I see you? Will I even see you or are we just doing, whatever this is for one night and that's it?" Wow, she's anxious.
"Rory, I don't know. I'm sorry." I really am. "What do you want me to say?"
"I'm not sure." She's biting her bottom lip.
"You're not?" I'm not buying that line.
Suddenly, she stands up and explosively lets out her breath. "Alright, I do know. I want you to say that this can work. That somehow, you have the answer and I want you to tell me what it is. I wanna be able to walk out of this house knowing that I'm not wasting my time liking you. I want you to say that everything's going to be okay and that we'll be together."
I'm stunned. "Huh."
She turns around and looks into my eyes. Hard. "You do like me right? I mean, we did kiss, but does it not mean as much to you as it does to me?"
She looks extremely vulnerable. I hate that she has to ask me, but this conversation has suddenly made me realize how little of each other we actually know for sure. "Of course I like you. And that kiss out there meant a lot to me."
"Oh, okay."
"But at the same time, I really don't know what will happen after this. I don't deny that I like spending time with you, or the fact that I've thought about kissing you since that time we bumped into each other at school, but I still don't know. I'm sorry." That's about as honest as I get.
She's nodding. "Yeah, I know." She's sat back down on the bed again.
I slide the chair over by her side. "Hey." She's staring at her shoes and I use a finger to tilt her head up to me. "Hi."
"Hi." I think I actually see some tears begin to form.
"It'll be okay. We'll work something out." I lean my forehead on hers. Her hands are resting on the tops of my knees, and I continue to hold her chin in one hand. The other hand has landed softly on her hip.
"Are you just saying that because of what I said earlier?" She's wide eyed.
"Nah."
I can feel her breath. "Are you saying it because you want to make a move?" She smiles.
"Maybe." I mirror her grin. "Can I kiss you again?"
She doesn't answer me. But she kisses me. Softly, sweetly, and utterly breathtaking. She pulls back and looks at me.
I don't want to talk. Not yet. I lean forward once again and take the lead. I increase the pressure I place on her hip and her hands have moved forward towards my waist. I want to pull her closer but our knees are in the way. Not wanting to break the kiss, I tug her closer.
She responds by sliding off the bed and onto my lap. And here we are. Kissing on her computer chair in her bedroom with her on my lap.
I finally break contact and I rest my head on her shoulder. She's running her fingers through my hair and I'm loving the touch. "Rory?"
"Yeah?" She's whispering.
"The ice cream is probably melted by now." I don't want to leave but I remember that our families waiting for us back at the diner.
"They can wait a little bit longer."
"Okay." Yeah, it's okay. Everything's okay.
AN: You like?