Chapter Four

Ryan froze after Kendall whispered, "How could I ever fall out of love with you?"

For a second, in his daze, he thought she leaned closer to him and their lips nearly touched but then she was sliding past him and heading for her bedroom. She walked inside but didn't close the door.

He was rooted in place, knowing this was the moment that would decide their future.

Every other time in the past when it came to a do or die moment, he had run from her. It was cowardly but he couldn't have stopped himself if he tried. The intensity of them made him quake with fear in his younger days.

Now the idea of losing her did that.

Ryan slowly walked to her doorway. She lay on the bed, on her side, her face tear streaked.

"Go away," she whispered miserably.

Seeing her cry always broke him down. More than anything else in the word her tears cut into his heart and made him ache just as much as her.

Ryan moved to the bed, lay behind her, and put his arm around her waist. Kendall shifted slightly and rested against him.

In a tortured voice she said, "I'm married. I can't love you because I am married. I can't...it makes me a..."

"Don't," he said into her hair. "No name calling about yourself."

He gently rubbed her arm, trying to give her some measure of comfort. He realized that never before had he really loved a woman as well as she deserved- he had tried but never quite got there. This time he was determined to, even if that meant letting Kendall go back to Zach.

(I was waiting
for the day you'd come around.

I was chasing,
and nothing was all I found.

From the moment you came into my life,
you showed me what's right.

And it feels like tonight.

I can't believe I'm broken inside.

Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do,
but try to make it up to you?

And it feels like tonight.) (Daughtry)

Still he wasn't ready to let go so easily. That was what he did too many times before. For right this second, she loved him and he wanted to spend one night just...hanging onto some hope that they could find a way to make it work this time...just believing in them...finally.

"You are a beautiful and unique soul, Kendall Hart. Did I ever tell you how amazing I think you are? You take on every man and woman who comes at you and you never back off a fight. You fought for me and us and Spike. You've done enough fighting...let me take this round. Whatever you want, I will fight for that. If you want to leave him, I will stand by your side.

Ryan went on, "And if you want to stay with him I will still be there. I will not bring up my feelings for you ever again, if you say that is what you want. You get to decide."

He leaned close to her ear and whispered, "But do me one favor?"

"What, Ryan?" she asked and he could tell by her tone she had already decided to do whatever he asked.

(I never felt like this before.
just when I leave, I'm back for more.

Nothing else here seems to matter,
in these ever-changing days,
you're the one thing

that remains.

I could stay like this forever.

And it feels like tonight.

I can't believe I'm broken inside.

Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do,
but try to make it up to you?

And it feels like tonight.
tonight.
tonight.) ( Daughtry)

Kendall looked over her shoulder and met his eyes. For one perfect second the rest of the world fell away.

Ryan softly asked, "Don't tell me your decision right now. Just let me hold you till morning comes. Just let me have us a little longer."

She didn't answer with words, instead she twisted around and wrapped her arm around him, snuggling close. There was nothing sexual in her move, just a neediness that only he could soothe.

Ryan stroked her hair. "Aww, it's been too long, Hart, too damn long. I missed this."

She arched her head back enough to meet his eyes. She searched his for the truth. Was she really the one he always missed? Always needed? Always craved and ached for like she did for him?

She might be crazy but, just like so many times before, Kendall truly believed that the answer was yes. It was there in the air around them. No man ever made her cry as hard, never made her burn with desire as much, never made her feel as lost, or as found. Right or wrong, doomed or destined, there was something real between them.

She wasn't on her own in this anymore. Ryan was finally admitting he was in just as deep as her.

Then it hit her. She had given up too soon. And now it might be too late. She sucked in a shaky breath.

"I never missed anybody or anything as bad as I missed you," she told him.

He kissed her forehead. "There is no way I could ever apologize for all the ways I hurt you...all those years when you only wanted to love me."

She smiled and said, in a joking tone, "I suppose I can forgive you."

He couldn't smile back. In a broken voice he said, "I think it's unforgivable."

She cupped his cheek. "No, don't go there. Where would we be if you didn't forgive me like 1 million times and I didn't forgive you like five million?"

He chuckled, "Five?"

"At least," she said smiling.

She stroked the stubble on his cheek. "But I don't remember any of that now. I only remember...you busting in my room at the Pine Comb and telling me to turn my damn music down... and you making love to me under a mistletoe in your living room... and that I just keep coming back to you and feeling like this no matter how many times I try to stop."

Ryan's heart raced at her words. But he wasn't naive enough to think she would easily walk away from Zach. Kendall would think and debate on this issue, once her mind started to tell her all the reasons that she needed to run from this crazy vibe between them and all the ways they could hurt each other again.

But, then again, she as always braver than him when it came to them. Maybe she would put it all on the line for him again. He prayed she would.

Ryan ran his thumb over her mouth, knowing that is as close as he would get to kissing her tonight.

He whispered, "Just so you have no doubts, anytime I told you in the past-from the first time we ever slept together-any time I told you I wasn't in love with you, that was a lie. And I knew it."

He paused, his voice took on a self hating tone, "I know it was a horrible thing to do to you, the woman who only wanted to give me all of herself, and give me all my dreams. But, Kendall, getting all that terrified me. I didn't think I could survive losing you over and over but I know now I can. I will keep loving you and losing you and loving you as many times as you let me...though I hope this night starts the last time I ever get you back again. I want to hold on tight this time. But, whatever you decide, my love for you sticks. It's yours. You had it from the start anyway."

She broke down in sobs. Ryan held her tight, letting her pour out every bit of her pain, until she finally fell asleep.

(Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do,
but try to make it up to you?

And it feels like tonight.
tonight.
tonight.) ( Daughtry)