AUTHOR'S NOTE!: Ahhh, you guys are still keeping me so darn encouraged! I really feel like I have absolutely no idea where to go with this thing but every time I read your reviews I just feel so obligated and I would feel so guilty if I didn't finish this and give it my best, plus, I watched the last 2 episodes of season 4 today[i have the season on dvd and Haley's speech encouraged me :) Also, the episode last night made me realize something. I'm making the characters seem SOOOO high school and theyre just not. I don't want them to seem like that. I don't want my whole story focused on the same stuff that has been reopened and closed so many times like Lucas and PEyton's betrayal and Brooke's insecurity. It's old, but at the same time I feel like it's the base of Brooke and Lucas's love and that they need to overcome ALL of the stuff in the past to move forward. I want to show Brooke forgiving, TRULY forgiving, Peyton and Lucas and not forgetting it, but letting go of it all finally. And I want to show Lucas proving to Brooke for the very last time that he really does love her and she is the one he REALLY wants. So, I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I hope this chapter clears it all up a bit, especially between Lucas and Peyton. So here we go...I'm nervous :l
DISCLAIMER!: Haha, yes this again. I don't own it, there's no way I could ever think of it all like you did Mark, but I love your story and I gotta write about it since you seem to want to keep Brooke and Lucas apart and keep all us BRUCAS fans in the depths hanging on to the past moments and the current moments like our lives depend on it! Gosh, just put them back the way we were and it'll all be fine:)
Chapter 4- "The Blues"
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"Brooke, Peyton, what are you doing here?"
As the words came out of his mouth, he realized he'd said exactly what Haley said at the same time she said it. He also realized that his only two ex-girlfriends were standing side by side staring at him with expressions of shock and hurt.
Well, what else did he expect?
"What are you doing here Lucas?"
These words had come from his Pretty Girl's mouth. He sometimes thought that maybe it was too high school to still be thinking about her that way, he knew she had grown up. But he just couldn't resist. When he said those words to himself, it reminded him of their best times together and it encouraged him to keep fighting for her, which he still had yet to do, because he wanted those times to come back again.
"I, uhh, I'm here to celebrate with Haley." He stuttered.
"Celebrate? What are you celebrating?" Brooke asked, very curious as to what could be celebratory that she didn't know about.
Brooke looked at Haley who was about to answer but heard a crash somewhere within the 2 story house and went running to see what had happened.
"She started her teaching job today, at Tree Hill. Although from what it sounds like, it hasn't been going too great." Lucas pointed out sadly. Haley was having a terrible time not only at school, but at home too. She was dealing with a depressed husband, a class that was more than happy to show her they were in charge, and a four-year old son that was great, but really quite mischeivous. Lucas felt so bad for his best friend sometimes, but that was why he came over to help her as much as he could.
"Well, at least the high school hasn't changed. I remember all of my new teachers." Brooke said with a hint of mischeif in her eye that immediately turned to regret. "Oh no, poor Haley!"
Lucas laughed. Oh, the things she did sometimes without even realizing it. But that was what he loved about her.
Crap. He had to stop thinking that.
"Sorry guys, my adorable son decided it would be fun to pull out every pot we own and bang on them with spoons." Haley's face was one that only a mother could pull off. It showed aggrivation and admiration all in one look.
"Haley," Lucas laughed out loud, "your pots are in a cabinet above the stove. How did he get up there?"
"Trust me, you'd rather not know." Haley whispered angrily.
The three of them laughed. Lucas realized that it'd been a really long time since this had happened. Just him and his friends together having a good time. Excpet, one of them was missing.
"Hey, where did Peyton go?" Haley asked.
Brooke looked around to see where in fact Peyton went.
"I don't know, she was just right here a few minutes ago." Brooke said.
Lucas looked behind Brooke. He felt bad. He had been so into his conversation with Brooke, no mater how little it had really meant, that he hadn't even noticed Peyton walk away. But at the same time, he hadn't had any contact with this beautiful brunette in four years. Just like with Peyton. But that was why, he wanted to make up for that and it seemed that for right now, it would have to be through little conversations. With both of them. Although he had a feeling that if a big conversation was in the making, it would be with Peyton first.
"Hey, maybe you should call her Brooke." Lucas stated, a little worried.
Brooke took out her iPhone and scrolled down to "P. SAWYER". Lucas could hear the ringing reverbarating, what he didn't hear was an answer.
"She's not picking up." Brooke hung up the phone and as she looked up, Lucas could see the worry in her eyes.
"Don't worry, we'll fnd out where she went." Lucas stated calmly. The last thing he wanted was for Brooke to get frantic considering he was starting to get a bit frantic himself.
"Uhmm, okay. Brooke where were you guys headed after here?" Lucas asked.
"We were gonna pick up Haley and then go to TRIC." Brooke answered.
"Alright, you and Haley go ahead there and see if she maybe walked or something. I'll go by her house and see if she's there."
"But why would she walk to the club or back home? You guys drove over here, it just doesn't make any sense." Haley said, pretty confused.
Lucas understood why. And so did Brooke, only for a different reason. But Lucas wasn't sure he was ready to let Brooke know the real reason he though Peyton had walked off after seeing him so suddenly. Brooke was fine thinking that Peyton didn't want to see him just because of their break-up. Why should he tell her why they broke up before he was ready to.
"Maybe she just needed some fresh air." Brooke said, covering for Lucas. She glanced at him and upon seeing his expression knew she was right in her assumption that he hadn't told Haley he hadn't talked to Peyton in four years.
"I'll uhhh, I'll meet you guys at TRIC. If you find her, call me." Lucas said and started walking toward his car. As he passed Brooke, his arm brushed hers and for a moment, he got the same fluttery feeling in his stomach that he always used to get when he felt her skin on his. He smiled to himself, quite glad that his back was turned form the two women because he was sure in that moment, it would have given away all his secrets about the girl he'd just touched.
He drove to Peyton's house, although he knew she wasn't there. He just needed some time to think about what he was going to say when he found her since he was pretty sure he'd be the one to find her first. Even though his feelings for Brooke were crystal clear to himself, he still wasn't so sure about Peyton. He had loved her once, he had been in love with her once. He just was so baffled about why he had stopped being in love with her. He still cared about her and he did love her, but not like Brooke.
But why?
What was so different with him and Brooke that made him feel so good all the time? What was wrong with Peyton? He always thought that your first love was the one you'd end up with in the end. But that couldn't be true because Brooke was the one he wanted and needed. He'd known that for so much longer than he'd care to admit. But even when he dated Peyton the second time, it felt like he was in love with her. He had wanted her. But not as much as Brooke.
It frustrated him to no end. Peyton was so easy. He had always had her, he'd never had to fight for her before. If he wanted her, he could have had her. She would have been perfect to be in love with forever because he'd never have to worry about losing her. So why did his heart keep telling him that Brooke was his forever, his destiny? What made her so special?
As he pulled up to his destination, these thoughts still racing around in his head, he thought he had the answer. But it just didn't make sense. Or it did. But would it make sense to Peyton when he finally had to explain it to her.
Well, he was about to find out. Sure enough as he thought, Peyton was sitting at the picnic table residng in his favorite place in the whole world. The Rivercourt.
He guessed she had wanted to talk to him by herself without making it conspicuous because if there was one thing about Lucas Scott that never changed, it was the fact that you could always find him when you needed him...at the Rivercourt.
"Hey you. You know, for someone who hates people leaving, you did an awfully good job at it yourself." Lucas said as he walked up to her. He wasn't sure if he was allowed to sit down next to her after four years of silence and hurt he was sure he had caused her.
"Well, I was sure you'd find me eventually. Besides, I didn't want to interrupt your conversation with Brooke." Lucas searched for the sarcasm or the bitterness he was sure had to be dripping in her voice, but he couldn't find it. Why?
"Peyton. I-haha, wow. Lucas Scott, author of a best selling novel, master of using famous quotes in the right situations, and I don't have a thing to say." Lucas said. He meant it, what was it he could say? He hated this continuous old high school drama between him and Peyton and Brooke over who he loevd more at the moment but sometimes he thought that's how it would always be. A constant struggle, having to explain to each of the two girls who it was he wanted to be with at the present time.
"Well, maybe you should start with, 'Hi Peyton, I'm so sorry I haven't made an attempt to talk to you in the past four years. I just wanted to tell you I was in love with your best friend and I couldn't stay with you but then never do anything about it or bring it up ever again because I enjoy tormenting you and Brooke playing tug-a-war with both of your hearts.' Or, I guess you could tell me who it is you decided your in love with today. But then again, I'm not sure if that would work either because you change your mind every time you talk to one of us." There was the sarcasm and bitterness he was looking for!
"Peyton, when I told you that, I just- I didn't know what I was doing. I mean I did, but I din't want to hurt you...or Brooke. I guess I just realized that I never really got over Brooke and-"
"Then why did you go out with me again! I don't understand Lucas! Why would you tell me you loved me and that I was the one you wanted standing next to you when all of your dreams come true and stop fighting for Brooke if it wasn't what you wanted! Why?! Do you like hurting me that much?! Did you sit back and laugh when you get home after we spent a whole night together supposedly having fun or when I finally slept with yo? Is it something you enjoyed?" Peyton screamed at him.
"No, of course not! Peyton, I never liked what I did to you. For the past four years, I've had so much regret over the way I broke up with you! I never wanted it to end that way! And, you know, in high school, I did want to be with you. I did love you and I was happy when I was with you! I stopped fighting for Brooke because I thought if I had you, it wouldn't hurt so much to not have her but that doesn't mean I didn't want you." Lucas said. He was being honest. He didn't want to lie to Peyton ever again, he had done enough lying to her. Their entire relationship had been a lie.
"Lucas, I don;t want to fight with you. I'm angry, yeah. I'm hurt, sure. But I've had four years to deal with all of this. I'm not here to tell you I want us to be together again or to make you feel bad about it all. You heard everything I just told you four years ago in a fight that I don't want to rehash. You obviously don't know why you did what you did, and truthfully, it doesn't matter anymore. I get it, you love Brooke. But..." Peyton paused for a moment, unsure of how to say what she wanted to.
Lucas was sure there was a lot more to Peyton's feelings than what she'd just expressed, but she was right. Their relationship had been over for four years. There was no point in bringing it all back up. But he knew that there was one thing that was left to say and he knew it before the words came out of Peyton's mouth.
"Lucas, you were in love with me once. And I really believe you loved me even after Brooke broke up with you the second time. I know that you wouldn't have dated me and told me you loved me if you didn't mean it. But just...why did you fall out of love with me? Why is Brooke the one that you're meant to be with? What is it with her that makes her so different from me? Why does she change everything when it comes to you and me?" Peyton was pleading now.
Lucas thought about it. He'd always thought about it, more than Peyton and Brooke could ever imagine. The words that just came out of his blonde curly haired ex-girlfriend had once came out of the mouth of his brunette beautiful other ex-girlfriend as well. And finally, standing there in that spot, a spot he would remember forever from that moment as the greatest spot in the world because it was the only place he'd ever been in that helped him realize where his greatest mistake had been. Back when Brooke asked him the same question out in the worst thunderstorm Tree Hill had ever seen, he'd known the answer. But it didn't make any sense to him until now. It never made sense why after he had seen Brooke and Peyton dancing and laughing around the fire they'd built on the beach, actually burning his letter he'd written to them confessing his love to Peyton, when he realized that it was Brooke he was in love with. It never made sense when he got so jealous over Brooke's "benefitial friendship" with Felix. It never made sense when he told Brooke he wanted to be with her and still felt the same way even after her non-exclusive dating crap she'd put him through, and having a front row seat to her screwing Chris Keller. Even in the moment when he stood in the rain and told Brooke why it was her and not Peyton he wanted, the moment he understood why he really did want Brooke, it never made sense. But it did now. Finally, after almost 5 years, the love triangle he'd been trapped in was going to break open.
"Becaus Peyton. You and I, we never had it." Lucas stated simply.
"What?!" Peyton looked more confused than ever and it made Lucas laugh. He just realized how strange that must have sounded coming from his mouth but also how incredibly true it was.
"With Brooke," he started patiently, knowing this would take a lot of words and a lot of understanding and patience on Peyton's part, "I feel...whole. All the time. Ever since I met her, I've had to work hard to get her to be mine. I know, that counds crazy seeing as she practically seduced me the first time I talked to her. But it wasn't a physical thing. I had to work hard to get into her heart. She'd been burned so much by boys that her trust in any boy was almost completely worn out. But when I got into her heart, I realized how beautiful she was on the inside. I felt everything she did, and it was so much more than anyone had ever seen in her. But I felt bad because I never let her do that with me. I was so busy working to get into your heart, I made Brooke miss out." Lucas couldn't believe how easy this was all coming out of his mouth.
"You took so long to let me into your heart Peyton, that eventually, I got tired of waiting. That's why I dated Brooke the first time. But when you finally did let me in, I'd been chasing you so long that I didn't know how to stop. You were already in my heart and I knew that it was easier to keep you in when you were already there than to try and let in someone new. So I did love you. I loved you a lot Peyton. But you never let me in the way Brooke did. You missed your chance with me the first time and because of that, you never got a second chance. For the longest time, I thought it was you. But when I saw you and Brooke on the beach right after I got back from Charleston, I saw it. I saw your's and Brooke's hearts before I ever saw your faces that night. And Brooke's was so much more open to me than yours was. And I realized, it was Brooke's turn to be in my heart. So I let her in. I fought for her and I loved her hard. I tried my best to let her all the way in and show her everything she showed me, but I was so scared to do that Peyton. Being rejected by your heart, it hurt. And Brooke caught the aftermath of that. So when she broke up with me the second time, I knew what I did. And I knew it was my fault. It wasn't her fault or your fault, even though we did kiss in the library, it was just mine. That kiss meant nothing to me Peyton. I'm sorry, but it didn't. And when we dated again, your kisses started to mean something again. But not like Brooke's did. I screwed things up with Brooke so bad because I thought my heart wasn't good enough for her to see. I didn't want her to be dissapointed in what she saw or felt, especially when her heart was the best I'd ever seen."
Even though he had more to say, things that might clear things up a bit more, he felt like that was it. What else was there? That's what he felt, that's what was the truth.
"Our hearts Peyton, they were never meant to love each other at the same time. That's why we've never felt it at the same time. I was in love with you the first time and you were in love with me the second. But we missed each other. And somehow, my heart loved Brooke's at the right time. But I still hurt her. And now, I have to find a way to get back into her heart and show her everything she deserves to see in mine. Because now, I'm finally ready for her to be the only one in it. I've let go of you Peyton and I know you've let go of me. Your heart is amazing Peyton, it really is, it's just not meant to be mine."
That was it. Finally. Lucas said what he felt. After 5 years of carrying that around and just now undersatnding it, he felt like he could laugh and cry. He was so in love with Brooke Davis, he wasn't sure what would happen if he found out she could never love him back.
Peyton Sawyer was a girl, a friend, he loved.
Brooke Davis was a girl, a girl he wanted to be with until the end of time, that he was in love with.
He finally knew the difference between the two and he was never happier.
AUTHOR'S NOTE!: Do you realize how long it took me to finish this?! Almost an hour and a half! And right now I want to laugh and cry because I'm so happy this chapter is over but at the same time, it reminded me of how much of a Brucas fan I really am! I love this chapter, that's what I feel like Lucas is feelling every time i watch him with Brooke and I'm just so happy that everything I was thinking got into words in the right way! I'm really proud of myself right now becuase I feel like that turned out so good.
Okay, oh my gosh, I gotta breathe. WHOOOO! Okay, that was a breath. Peyton's reaction is coming in the next chapter but right now, I need sleep. I hope you guys like this one and thanks for my reviews!