Note: This chapter deals with some sensitive issues, just want everyone to be aware. Thanks again for reading! Also, I'm short on time right now, so I apologize in advance for any spelling errors—I didn't have a chance to double check. Enjoy and I'll try to update again soon.

Chapter 4

On Sunday morning, and I find myself contemplating about whether or not I should go into the woods to meet Gale. He knows I've been sick, so I know I won't worry him if I don't show.

I haven't left the house in three days. The morning sickness is only off and on, it's my emotional state that's left me trapped inside. Prim convinced my mother I just had a slight flu. She made some suggestions and urged me to take medicine, but didn't press the issue further. Still, I wondered if she wasn't worried about me, or worse, suspicious.

I have not seen Gale, either. I talked to him the phone once to say I wouldn't make it for dinner. He'll be concerned if I don't make an appearance out of Victor's Village soon. I imagine Haymitch has wondered where I've been, too. I try to stop by every few days to make sure he's still alive and clean up the place a little. I even sat and had a drink with him a couple of times, letting him ramble on about the Capitol. I wonder if the strong white fluid hurt the baby. The baby! It's still unreal.

Another reason I haven't left is an intense fear of running into Peeta. Somehow we don't cross paths outside our homes much, even though we live just a few houses apart. I normally run into him by the bakery, actually. But I am very aware of how close he is now, both in proximity to my home and my body.

Since I found out about the pregnancy, I've missed him more than ever before. I feel alone. Only Prim knows. But she's so young, I can't unload my emotional baggage on her. I can't remind her of the Games and the fact that my child will surely be a part of them; I can't explain to her the horrors I saw there that have destroyed my thoughts. And I haven't found a way to tell anyone else that I'm pregnant.

The last time I felt this way was standing on that stage with ridiculous Effie Trinket, looking out on the sad faces of District 12. Until they called the male tribute. Peeta. At first I was mortified that I'd have to kill the boy who threw me the bread, but when he shook my hand, I realized I was not alone up there. When they falsely said there could be two victors. He was there, after I lost Rue, and I wasn't alone anymore. So many times he saved me from the dark corners of my mind. Kissing me in the cave, momentarily shooing away my pain and terror. He'd been there for me every single time I needed him. He was the one I really wanted to talk to now. But he caused all this—we caused all this.

Before Peeta, Gale was always my confidant. And now he's my boyfriend, I think. Or something like a boyfriend. Soon I'll be breaking the news that I'm pregnant with Peeta's child, and then who knows what he'll be. Today.

Yes, today, I think, a sudden burst of courage surging through me. I will tell Gale today.

My heart drops in my stomach at this decision. Who knows what he'll be to me after today. Will he be furious? End our… friendship? I guess I haven't thought too much about what Gale and I "are". I think everyone else would call him my boyfriend, albeit a slow moving relationship. If he wants nothing to do with me, what about his family? Does that mean he won't want me to help take care of them, either? It's one thing that's given me purpose since I've been back here in District 12. There's been nothing new from the Capitol in an alarming amount of time, and I've just been waiting for something to happen on my toes. I've thought it might be possible that we'll hear nothing about it until the next reaping. I'm not sure why, but my gut tells me it will be then that I'm forced to pay for my actions.

I count to myself in my head. It's easy to figure out how far along I am considering I've only had sex once. What luck, I think, getting pregnant the first and only time I've been intimate with someone. This would only happen to me. The next reaping is 6 months away, which would make me 8 months pregnant. I think about standing up on stage, huge and humiliated. I guess it makes no sense for me to feel badly about it. In fact, me pregnant with Peeta's baby might be exactly what the Capitol wants. Could this save my life? My family's life? I haven't even considered the thought. It's a little too convenient though, for me to be that far along right around reaping time. Will they think Peeta and I devised the pregnancy plan to prevent me from being killed? And if they think that's the case, will my punishment be even worse?

I've yet to think about the life growing inside me as a person I care about. Peeta would. He would care about this person. I feel guilty for feeling no love for it, but oddly reassured when I remember Peeta would love it. At least it isn't completely unwanted and unloved.

By now, I'm up and on my way to the woods. If I don't go now, I won't go at all and if I don't go, I won't tell Gale I'm pregnant. And if I don't tell him today I'll never tell anyone ever. Adrenaline moves me out the door, through Victors Village, passed the hob and on my way to the edge of town.

"What'da you up to, sweetheart?" The words interrupt my mind. Haymitch, buying liquor. More alarming is Peeta there next to him, holding his arm to steady him.

"I'm going to the woods," the words come out in an odd, frenzied way. Yes, I'd normally be annoyed at a more-than-usual inebriated Haymitch and would be awkward around Peeta, but my whole demeanor sends a signal that something is obviously not right.

"Jesus, she's a Hunger Games winner, barely, and still breakin' the law," Haymitch says, although he's well aware I've been hunting often since we got back from the Victory Tour.

I make a conscious effort sound normal. "Go get some sleep, Haymitch. It's Sunday morning," It was odd for him to be up so early after all. And why was Peeta even with him? I've totally ignored Peeta as I turn around and start to walk away.

"Not even saying hello anymore?" I hear his voice say. In his tone there's humor, sadness, and a little anger, all rolled into one.

I turn and stiffly say "Hello."

"Alright," he says, and sadness clearly wins out this time.

My heart pounds in my chest when I walk away from Peeta. There's a major irony in how much I miss him lately, because it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm pregnant with his child. I wish I could take back the night worse than ever, because this wouldn't be happening and he'd still be in my life. I think so, anyway. Would he, knowing I'm spending all this time with Gale? If I could take back the night on the train, would we be friends now?

I guess regardless, he would not be holding me to sleep, which I miss desperately now. I'd spent the night with Gale once, the way Peeta and me used to. It took some time to find the right way to sleep with him, to find the way my body fit into the crevices of his. It took a long time to fall asleep. I couldn't help but think it didn't feel quite right. This was the one time I felt like I was betraying Peeta somehow, even if we weren't on speaking terms. I wanted to feel the same sense of comfort and steadiness in Gale's arms like how I felt in Peeta's. I just thought we needed more time; I needed more time to get used to a life without Peeta before I could completely give myself to Gale. There may not be any more time after Gale finds out about this. And then I'll have lost them both.

The few days since I found out I've been living in a lifeless haze, in the fetal position with the shades drawn. I only went to the dinner table for meals so my mother wouldn't think I was seriously ill. It had been a dull few days to say the least, aside from my racing mind.

Today, I've decided to go hunting, to tell Gale about the pregnancy, left the house, and ran into Peeta and Haymitch. It's all too much to process.

I see Gale sitting on our rock. "Hey," he smiles. "Didn't know if you'd make it. Are you feeling better?"

I sit beside him and he wraps his arm loosely around my waist. "Yes," is all I mutter.

I'm glad I've decided to tell him. I realize there's no way I could have had a normal conversation with him, or anybody else, otherwise.

"Well, I'm not really sick."

Gale tilts his head. "No?"

But I suddenly change my mind a little. I want to go hunting first, to enjoy a morning of normalcy. I'll tell him in a little while. Maybe by the lake, or in the house that my father and I used to spend time in. I need more time.

"Well, yes, I was. I just mean I'm fine now. Ready to go?" I stand up.

I'm so awkward and unconvincing. I stand there meekly, my back slumped. My bow tilts to the side, not totally secured in its case. My braid is messier than usual and bags hang from my eyes, even though I've been sleeping for days. My voice wavers with every word. I'm a terrible liar.

Gale sits firmly, not budging. "No. Not until you tell me what's wrong." I can tell by the tone of his voice that there will be no changing his mind. "You never get sick. And even when you do, you pretend you're fine. You, Katniss, do not lock yourself in the house for three days with the flu."

I sigh and sit down, suddenly exhausted again. I'm not going to argue about this or try to change his mind, but since I don't know how to start I just stay silent.

"Go on. Tell me what's wrong."

"Worse than anything you can imagine. Or anything I could have imagined,"

His eyes widen. "The Capitol? But I just saw Haymitch and Peeta at the hob. Haymitch was drunk, obviously, but they seemed normal otherwise. Did they only contact you? What's-"

His voice is frantic, so I interrupt. "No, Gale, nothing like that. In fact, I haven't heard anything from the Capitol in weeks."

"Oh," and he seems visibly relieved. "Alright. But what is it?"

I'm not sure where to start. I should explain about the train, about Victory speech in 11. About how Peeta promised to give the gifts to Rue and Thresh's family, and the man got shot, and I was overwhelmed and we… and nothing's going on now, nothing at all, but…

"I'm pregnant."

His mouth drops open, and I think about how I've only used that as a descriptive phrase, I've never seen anyone ever do it so literally.

The next word out of his mouth surprises me. "Peeta." He looks shocked and sad.

"Yeah- yes, it's Peeta's, but…"

"I should've known. Why have you been leading me on like this, Katniss? How often are you seeing him?" His voice has raised now. I knew he wouldn't be thrilled that I slept with Peeta, but I'm irritated that this is his first concern. What about my safety in light of this? What about a pregnancy that he's well aware I never wanted to have, not with Peeta or anyone else, ever?

"Gale. I'm not seeing Peeta. Quite literally, I mean we're not even friends anymore. It happened one night on the train. That's it. I can't believe I got pregnant," I say.

Gale's silent. He looks less so, but still a little angry. I feel suddenly overwhelmed, so relieved to have told someone, but more aware than ever of how awful this is.

"I can't be a mother," I say, starting to cry. "I can't be a mother, and I can't bring a child into this awful place. Not after what I've seen. And maybe some other parent could do it, could convince it that this could be a good place to live. But not me. I couldn't do it."

Gale holds me, and I sob in his arms. "I can't do this."

"What if—what if you… gave it to Peeta. He could raise it, alone," Gale offers.

"No," I say, "No, I don't want it in this world. He'd be better than me but, it won't help anything. I'll know it's here and I'll hear it's name called in the reaping when it's 13 years old," I sob dramatically. But it's really how I feel.

After awhile, the sense comes to me to apologize. "Gale, I'm sorry. I know you don't want to hear this. I know you and I are… whatever we are… and how unfair this is to you."

Gale's quiet, and I'm not sure what he's thinking.

"Katniss. You don't want to have this baby?"

I'm confused. I think I've been clear about my feelings related to this pregnancy. "No, of course not," I say.

"I know someone," he says.

At first I have no idea what he's talking about. I can't put two and two together, but then I realize what he means.

Abortion isn't illegal in Panem, and I bet it's used without abandon in the Capitol. But in the districts, especially the poorer ones like 12, there's no way to get one safely. The only time I've heard of them being performed was woman trying to give themselves one, usually resulting in their death. So I'm surprised to hear this.

"What—who?" I ask softly.

"Well, I don't know, exactly. She's not into the idea of advertising it or anything. But Thom's sister found out she was pregnant after her boyfriend died in the mine a few years back. Remember that?"

I nod. It was a small explosion, only took a few lives, but I can never ignore mine fatalities after what happened to my father.

"They couldn't feed another mouth without him here," He said. "Don't tell anyone about this, of course. But she went to see a reputable woman in town and she took care of it. She put his sister on bed rest for a few days after, but she was fine."

I don't say anything. I'm glad he's telling me this. I see a window of light suddenly, a possibility for home.

"Look, Katniss. I'm not telling you to do this. And I'll be here for you either way, no matter what happens, I have your back." He kisses my cheek. I smile weakly, because 'I'll have your back,' reminds me of the old days before the games. Me and Gale, just friends, hanging out and hunting in the woods.

And for the first time, I think of Peeta's baby. Imagining it with his blue eyes, or blonde waves. Maybe both? Think of who it would grow up to be. I'd hope it'd be nothing like me. Just Peeta. Gentle but strong. Loving and kind. A baker. An artist. Beautiful, and too good for me.

I silently say apologize to Peeta's child, growing in my stomach, for considering this option. And I realize now that I'm not simply doomed anymore; rather, I have a choice again. I have some power over my fate after all.

Even though this seems to be the answer to all of my worries, to be the out that I've been searching for, I realize suddenly that it's the hardest choice I'll ever have to make.