CaseyCuervo: My lips are sealed. You'll get more hints along the way, but the official reveal isn't until chapter seven (sorry). Hope you like this update :)
Duaimei: Thank you for reading and reviewing :)
TanithNight: Thanks for taking the time to review :) I hope you will like this new chapter.
Guest: I hope you will keep reading to find out :)
Chibichocopaws: Thanks you reviewing again :) I hope you will like this update, please share your thoughts with me :)
Author's note:
I'm a little sad that the story isn't "doing very well". Maybe it's the writing, maybe it's the dying fandom, maybe it's the weekly updates, maybe it's the (genderqueer) subject, maybe it's Maybeline… I dunno. It makes me rethink future projects.
READ THE GENERAL WARNINGS FOR THIS STORY AT THE START OF THE FIRST CHAPTER.
Beta: Shima Yi
The Neon Spectrum
Not limited to black and white.
Not dulled to shades of gray.
The spectrum is neon.
Chapter FOUR – Dirty Little Secret
Another day, another shopping trip with Quatre, this time in preparation for his and Trowa's trip to Southeast Asia. They would be traveling from country to country, and would be away for six weeks. Quatre purchased a lot of sensible clothes for the trip: breathy, thin materials that dried quickly and didn't need to be ironed. The couple had money like water, but they were going back to basics for this journey. Of course, back to basics for Quatre Winner also meant picking out a new pair of designer sunglasses.
Duo tried on the most preposterous frames he could find, and ignored the sales guy who kept exclaiming he looked "Great!" while he knew for a fact he looked ridiculous. His friend seemed to be trying on the same pair every time, until he pointed out the very – very – subtle differences between the sunglasses.
"Well, they all look the same to me."
"But do they look good?" Quatre put on another pair.
"Yeah, they suit you."
"Hm…" He inspected the handful of frames and narrowed it down to two options; he kept alternating them and appraising his own reflection.
"You know what I always wonder?" Duo started, as he looked over Quatre's shoulder at his reflection – at the way his brow furrowed and disappeared behind the big sunglasses. "Why do you always ask me to go shopping with you? Why do you never go shopping with Heero? He's the one with actual fashion sense."
His friend switched glasses again. "His taste is very different."
Duo snorted. "As if our taste in clothes isn't different. You're preppy-chic like… United Colors of Benetton, and I'm-…" He looked down at himself, at his dark jeans and forest green plaid shirt – he wore a lot of plaid shirts. "United Colors of Lumberjack."
"Yeah, which is why you know better than to ever try to give me fashion advice. Heero would be a lot more outspoken, I think. Honestly, I just bring you along to carry my bags and tell me I look good in everything," Quatre flashed a smile.
"I'm honored." Duo maneuvered around him and leaned against the wall, waiting as Quatre still couldn't decide between the two nearly identical frames. "Maybe I should go shopping with Heero once," he mused aloud.
Quatre took off the pair of glasses to stare at him like he had said something stupid.
"What?"
"You think you could rock the crop-tops and super-skinny jeans?"
"No." Duo laughed at the provoked mental image of himself in the described outfit. "I think Heero is the only guy who can pull that look off."
Quatre chuckled at that, but there was something secretive in his eyes. The light color always reminded Duo of shallow, tropical seas – very unlike the deep, dark depths of Heero's oceanic pools – but in moments like this, he was reminded that he should not be fooled; there was more underneath the surface of those aquamarine eyes.
After a moment of contemplation, his blond friend tentatively said: "I wouldn't ask him to go shopping with you, though." It was clear he didn't want to get into the subject, but felt compelled to warn his friend.
"Oh?"
Quatre shrugged innocently. "I'm just saying… I don't think the added stress would be good for you guys, right now."
Duo was confused and let it show with a comical quirk of his eyebrow. "What added stress? I like shopping," he reminded him, "even though I'm technically not even buying anything. And I know damn well Heero likes shopping too; he insisted on having the bedroom with the big closet, and still I hear him complain that it isn't big enough. And Quatre, let me tell you, it really is a big fucking closet."
"He just prefers to go shopping by himself. And he does most of his shopping online nowadays anyway."
"He does? I've never noticed anything being delivered…"
"He has it delivered to my place."
"Why?"
"Because there is always someone at the house to accept the delivery."
Oh, that makes sense, I guess, Duo thought to himself.
"You really like it though? How he dresses?" Quatre wondered; it was a transparent attempt to stop the third-degree interrogation.
"I do. It's very… him."
Quatre smiled brightly. "That's nice. You're right, it is very him."
Going doe-eyed thinking about his secret love, Duo continued reverently: "I really admire him for it too. Considering the kind of ignorant shits that are still out there, I think it's really brave that he dares to be himself so openly. He knows who he is and he's not afraid to express it."
"Uhhh… yeah!" Quatre squeaked. He put away one of the pairs and hastily declared: "This is the one! Want to go get coffee?"
"Wait, hold up." Duo followed his friend as he hurried towards the cash register. "What was that all about?" He knew damn well it was about Heero's secret – the big secret everyone was hiding from him.
"Nothing," the blond lied and then made a point of starting up conversation with the overzealous salesman from before. The shopaholic never handed over his credit card more slowly, to stall for time. The salesman put the 600-dollar glasses in a fancy case, then put that in a box with golden letters, then put that in a gift bag, and then put golden ribbons on the gift bag at Quatre's request. All the while Duo was impatiently tapping his fingers on the glossy, white counter, keeping his glare fixed on his shorter friend.
He was not going to ramble or charm his way out of this one, Duo was determined. He held off until they exited the store, then demanded: "What was that little squeak about?"
Quatre made an innocent face. "Nothing."
"Quatre, you are the worst liar. Tell me what's going on!" Duo grabbed his wrist, stopping him in his tracks, and forced him to look at him. "I'm sick of this!"
"I can't tell you! I'm saying too much as it is!" Quatre made an angry face. "People really need to stop telling me secrets!" He stomped his foot. "And you need to stop asking me, because you know damn well it's going to burst out of me otherwise, and that's not fair to Heero! It's not my place to say!"
"But not knowing is driving me crazy! Is it something I should be worried about? Is he okay? Is there anything I can do?"
"It doesn't concern you at all, so drop it."
"Maybe I could help him if you tell me!" Duo felt horrible for pressing the issue. He didn't really want to force or manipulate Quatre into betraying Heero's trust, but the curiosity and the concern was killing him!
"He made me promise not to tell anyone, especially you!" Quatre burst, and then his eyes widened at his own words.
Duo's eyes, in turn, narrowed. "So, it does have something to do with me?"
"No! Nonono, not at all. You're misunderstanding."
Duo frowned at his friend. "Why else would he explicitly instruct you not to tell me?"
Quatre regarded him with pleading eyes. "Duo, I beg of you, please drop it. It has nothing to do with you, I promise you."
"Then why would he tell you to not tell me, specifically?" He realized he was shouting when he noticed other shoppers looking at them.
"You're reading way too much into this – he told me not to tell anyone."
"But especially me!" He threw the words back in his face. "Does it have something to do with my feelings for him?" His voice cracked. "Does he think I'm being a coward, because I told him that I'm in love with him but I deny being gay? Does he hate closeted people and think I'm like that?"
"God!" Quatre exclaimed. "You could not be further off the mark! Like I keep telling you: it's not about you. Please, stop it. Stop it!"
Duo deflated when he saw his friend's eyes well up with tears and become red-rimmed. "I'm sorry."
Quatre wiped at his eyes before any of the tears could spill.
"You have to understand, Quatre, it's driving me crazy." He emphasized the last word by dramatically stabbing a pointed finger at his forehead. "You don't want to talk about anything, and Heero doesn't want to talk about anything, and it's fucking me up in the head!"
"I know and I'm sorry about that, I truly am," Quatre sympathized. "I hate keeping secrets from you – you have no idea! Really, I-… I want to tell you what's going on so badly because I hate seeing you upset like this," his voice was raw with emotions, "but I owe it to Heero to keep my damn mouth shut about this. He told me something very personal, in confidence. It's not my place to say… I wish he would just tell you, but I understand why he isn't ready for that yet. I hope you can understand that too."
Duo's heart felt like it was shrinking in on itself, shriveling into a small jagged thing that made each heartbeat feel like a stab in his chest. "I worry about him…" His voice was so soft he was surprised Quatre had even heard him over the indistinct murmur of the crowd that passed around them, like a river navigating around a rock.
Quatre offered him a small smile. "Don't. I promise he'll be fine."
"He's not sick or anything, right?" All kinds of scenarios were playing through his head at that point.
The other shook his head in response.
"I want to help. Whatever it is, I want to help."
Quatre reached out and rubbed his upper arm soothingly. "And you will, when he's ready to tell you. Until then, he has me and Trowa, and his girlfriends, who know what's going on; I promise you that we will help him in every way."
Duo nodded and took a deep breath as he tried to compose himself. "You think he will tell me someday, though?"
"I think so, yeah. It's not a secret he can keep forever. It's not a secret he should keep forever."
"But he's okay, right?" Duo asked, needing the reassurance once more.
"He's-… He will be fine." Quatre smiled again, but his eyes were definitely not calm, shallow seas.
Duo didn't know what to think. He didn't feel much better about any of it, but he knew he had to stop pressing. If he continued to demand to know what was going on, it would put an irreparable strain on his friendship with Quatre; he didn't want to lose his best friend.
"Do you want to go get coffee?" The shorter man offered, trying to act normal.
Duo shook his head. He was exhausted and his head felt heavy, like he could barely keep it upright. His mind was too clouded. "I think-… I'm gonna go home." He forced on a smile and joked: "I feel like I need a nap."
"Okay." Quatre's concern was evident but he didn't say anything.
The American handed his friend the shopping bags he had been carrying for him, and told him he'd just take the bus when Quatre offered to give him a ride home. He left the short blonde to continue his shopping spree and arrived at the bus stop just in time to hop on the bus that would take him within two blocks of the apartment building. A slight drizzle of rain didn't exactly help his mood. He popped the collar of his jacket and ducked his head between his shoulders, tucking his chin against his chest. He kept his hands warm in his pocket.
Inside the apartment, it was warm and music was playing in Heero's bedroom – some nineties pop song with powerful female vocals that wasn't really Duo's style, but Heero's taste in music was eclectic and all-encompassing.
He called out once, then again, to announce his presence. The music was cut off.
"Hello?" Heero called, uncertain.
"Hey, it's me!" Duo responded. He hung his jacket on the doorknob of the front door so the water could drip down on the mat, rather than hanging the item on the coatrack and wetting everything else. He headed into the kitchen to fix himself some instant hot chocolate. It wasn't really that cold outside, but he felt like treating himself to the sweet drink; it always reminded him of happy memories from his childhood with the Winners, when life was fairly uncomplicated. He stirred the powder through the scalding hot water and stood at the counter, browsing through the social media on his phone as he waited for his drink to cool to a point where it wouldn't burn his tongue on the first sip.
After a few minutes, Heero appeared. "Hey, you're home early," he said by way of greeting. His lips formed a self-conscious smile and he wiped his palms on the legs of his black skinny jeans. "I thought you'd be gone all day."
"Yeah, I- uh, I was kinda done with shopping," Duo replied with a shrug. He looked at his roommate apologetically when he realized Heero had counted on having the apartment to himself all day. "Sorry, is-… is Logan here?"
"What? No." Heero shook his head fervently, as if Duo's conclusion was preposterous.
"Oh. Well, don't mind me. You can turn the music back on, it's fine." He took his first sip and was relieved when the liquid was comfortably hot, not too hot. He felt it go down his throat and settle in his stomach, where it provided some comfort and smothered the uneasy feeling that had been bothering him. "That's a nice sweater; is it new?"
Heero looked down at the bright pink, cashmere sweater he was wearing – the hem of it skimmed the top of his thighs. "It is, thanks."
"It looks expensive," Duo remarked without judgment. He yearned to reach out and touch the soft fabric and feel the warmth of Heero's skin underneath.
"It's Yves Saint Laurent." Heero cocked his chin up with a smirk.
Duo still didn't understand why Heero and Quatre didn't go shopping together – they both had expensive tastes. "Pink's a good color on you," Duo noted. It was the truth; it made the golden tone of his skin even warmer, and he was practically glowing.
"It's not pink, it's magenta."
Duo snorted and mocked: "It's not a dog, it's a Golden Retriever!"
Heero scowled. "You're talking nonsense."
"Exactly." He laughed and then offered to make Heero hot chocolate as well, but his roommate declined. "Is the sweater for a special occasion? Is Logan taking you somewhere nice?"
"I'm not going out with Logan tonight," Heero said and again, he said it with that perplexed tone, like it was supposed to be obvious that they wouldn't be going out.
But nothing was obvious to Duo. There is so much I don't know! "But it's Saturday. Aren't Saturdays the quintessential date nights?"
"Maybe, I don't know. But we're not going out tonight."
"Everything okay between you two?" Duo inquired before he could filter his thoughts. Maybe that was a question he shouldn't have asked, as a "non-friend". However, his curiosity could not be contained.
"We're fine. We don't need to see each other every waking minute. We have our own lives and some things are better left mysterious."
The American raised his hands at the defensive tone. "No, yeah, totally." You are all about mystery, aren't you?
"Is it okay if we order in tonight? I don't feel like cooking."
The thought of guilty-pleasure food elevated Duo's mood. Excitedly, he exclaimed: "Pizza?"
Heero chuckled. "If you want, sure."
"My day just got so much better," he muttered into his mug before taking another drink.
"Why? Was it bad before?" Heero navigated around him to get water from the fridge.
"Uhm… No," he lied. He couldn't tell Heero about the argument he had with Quatre in the middle of the shopping center; that would mean admitting that he knew of the existence of 'the secret' and had been trying to force Quatre to spill the tea. "It just got exponentially better," he reiterated.
"Yeah, pizza is goo~d," Heero drawled in agreement and flashed a smile.
They each killed some time in the privacy of their own bedroom until it was dinner time. They ordered a pizza each – Duo got a supersize with practically everything on it. Their order arrived quickly; the pizza place was only three blocks away, and the delivery boys always knew they could count on a generous tip if they made their apartment the first stop of the night.
Duo sat on the couch, with the box on his lap and a tall glass of coke balanced on the armrest. Heero seated himself cross-legged on the floor at the coffee table, facing away from him and toward the television, where a mature cartoon with crass humor was playing. When Duo opened his box, he was hit with steam and the mouth-watering smell. He was momentarily distracted from his meal when he heard Heero giggle at himself; he looked over to see him struggle to bite off the extended string of cheese that connected his mouth to the slice of pizza he held. It was then that Duo noticed the sparkling, midnight-blue nail polish on his roommate's nails.
He wondered if maybe Heero was supposed to go on a date with Logan that night, and the man perhaps cancelled on him last-minute. It did seem like the Japanese man got all dolled up for some occasion. Heero always put effort in his appearance, but the added touch of the nail polish was something new and rare – Duo assumed it had to mean something. He knew better than to ask, though, and instead, attacked his food.
When Heero was done with his pizza, he joined Duo on the couch, albeit sitting at the very far end of it. But the point was that he stuck around after dinner, voluntarily spending time with him, watching three more of the half-hour-long episodes in his company. They laughed in unison at the jokes and were both shocked by the same foul remarks the cartoon characters made.
Duo felt grateful for the time Heero spent with him; it relieved him of some of the concerns that had been plaguing him, especially since his discussion with Quatre earlier that day. Maybe the whole "secret-thing" was being blown out of proportion by his own curiosity. Heero seemed fine, curled up on the couch with his feet tucked under him, laughing carelessly at the vulgar puns. He seemed happy and it warmed Duo's heart. Seeing him so radiant made Duo fall that much more in love with him… but he had to remind himself that Heero was with Logan, and that Logan was the source of this happiness, not Duo.
X
It was disconcerting that Duo hadn't seen Logan for nearly two weeks straight – following that Saturday – when he used to be a regular sight for sore eyes at the apartment before: appearing almost every night to pick Heero up for a date; or sheepishly coming into the kitchen in the morning, asking Duo permission to make himself coffee and grab something to eat from the fridge. Heero hadn't left the apartment to meet up with him either, staying cooped up in his room.
When Duo asked about it, his roommate assured him that everything was fine in the relationship and for the first few days. Duo believed him, because Heero himself believed it too as he said it. After two weeks, though, neither were no longer convinced, but Heero kept lying to him and Duo kept accepting the lie, not wanting to overstep boundaries.
He was concerned, but he didn't want to ask any questions, too afraid of being accused of butting in. However, he became involved without his own volition, when the third Logan-less Saturday rolled around.
Heero was out of the house – two of his friends spontaneously showed up and practically demanded that he join them for lunch – so Duo was alone when the phone rang. He froze on the couch at the unfamiliar sound; his first instinct was to check his cellphone, even though he knew damn well that his ringtone was entirely different from the classic, sharp tone he was hearing. The screen of his phone was black and when he pressed the home-button, his background-of-the-week simply appeared, not even a missed text message or tweet. Only then did it hit him: it was the landline.
Quizzically, he looked at the phone mounted on the wall by the intercom for the downstairs front door. In the four years they had lived in the apartment, no one had ever called them on the landline. Not even sales people.
Duo shot up as he realized that a ringing phone needed to be answered. "Hello?" He rolled his eyes at his tone; he sounded like he was starring in a horror-movie.
"Hey, Duo."
He recognized Logan's deep voice instantly, even as it was slightly distorted over the phone line. "Logan, hi. Uhm, Heero isn't home."
"I know. Lunch with the girlfriends, he told me."
"… Okay."
"I wanted to talk to you, but I figured showing up at the door would be a little too in-your-face. Though, you have no idea how long it took me to find this number."
Duo chuckled. "Actually, I can imagine. But…" He scratched the back of his neck. "Why do you want to talk to me?"
"I wanted to talk to you about Heero."
His throat constricted. "I- I shouldn't get involved."
"Please?"
"Look, whatever is going on… I don't know anything." That was the truth. "I can't help."
Logan ignored his words and started: "Heero's been weird the past two weeks. He's been ignoring me. I mean, sort of… No, 'ignoring' is the wrong word. I guess: 'avoiding'? He replies to my texts and answers my calls and stuff, but he keeps finding excuses not to meet up. I was wondering if something happened? Or did he say something? Did I do something wrong?" He sounded desperate.
"Like I said, I don't know anything," Duo stressed. It was interesting to know that Heero had been responsible for the distance between him and Logan; Duo assumed it was the other way around. Heero was madly in love with the tall, blond man – why wouldn't he want to see him?
"I miss him," Logan said softly and Duo felt conflicted; he cared about Logan – he was a good guy – but he still, selfishly, continued to love Heero and wish for him to be his.
"I'm sorry. If-… For what it's worth, it seems Heero misses you too." He frowned at himself. But that doesn't make any sense!
"That doesn't make any sense."
My thoughts exactly!
"If he misses me, why does he keep avoiding me?"
"I don't know, man," Duo whined. "I don't pretend to understand Heero."
Logan chuckled at that, in spite of the situation. "Yeah, he's hard to read and so unpredictable – keeps people guessing."
"I'm sorry, I wish I had the answers for you." And for myself. "But I'm sure everything will be fine, if he's still texting and calling."
"You think so?" Without waiting for a reply, Logan asked again: "Are you sure he didn't say something? About me? About-…?" He stopped himself.
Duo quirked an eyebrow. Instantly, his warm and fuzzy feelings for the other man turned cold, and the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. "What are you asking? Did you do something?"
"Woah- okay, I wasn't going to say anything if Heero hadn't mentioned it to you, but now I feel like I have to tell you because you are clearly drawing the wrong conclusions," Logan said in defense.
"What did you do?" Duo demanded.
"It's nothing like-… Jesus, okay." Logan struggled to put his thoughts in order and explain himself. "The last time I saw him, two and a half weeks ago, we were at my place and we were…"
Duo made a face, regretting having to hear the story.
"You know? Making out!" He eventually blurted in true Logan-fashion. "We were in bed, things were getting heated… We were both having a good time – at least I thought so – so I wanted to make it even better. I became more forward with my touches, to move it along, and Heero was just giving me conflicting messages."
"What kind of messages?"
"He was definitely giving consent, okay? He was into it. But every time I tried to work my hands into the front of his jeans, he'd readjust my hand to his hip or his ass."
"That seems like a pretty clear message to me," Duo seethed.
"But he was touching me! All I wanted to do was to return the favor. Heero and I have had sex a lot over the past few years – we have it down pat."
I don't want to know. But this was Logan, Duo knew; Logan shares everything. He was actually being uncharacteristically filtered.
"I tried it again. I just wanted to make him feel good – he was rutting against my leg! – and then he was just over it. He asked if we could cuddle. I- I didn't mean to be an asshole – I don't think I was. All I did was ask him why he didn't want me to jerk him off, and that's when he got out of bed and left. He kept saying everything was fine, but obviously…" Logan let his sentence trail off, and then waited with baited breath for Duo's input.
Duo was somewhat put at ease. If that was the whole story, then it certainly wasn't as bad as he feared a minute ago, but he didn't know what to say. He had no clever insight into Heero whatsoever; he knew he was already getting more involved, and being told more personal details, than his roommate would want him to. The thought of Logan confessing to Heero that he had called Duo for advice, and told him about that night – regardless of the fact that he couldn't really make any sense of what happened – made him antsy.
"You're just going to have to talk to Heero about this," he stated firmly.
Logan released a sigh. "Yeah, okay." After a pause, he added: "I'm sorry for dragging you into this."
"Me too," Duo muttered under his breath.
"What?"
"It's cool," he amended. "Good luck."
"Yeah… thanks." The line was promptly disconnected.
Duo listened to the dial tone for a few seconds, trying to gather his thoughts. He felt sorry for Logan – the man sounded genuinely upset and confused. He couldn't figure out why Heero was acting the way he was, when the two of them were so great together. Maybe Logan didn't tell the whole story? He shook his head at himself, Logan was a good guy and he believed him.
Heero came home two hours later. Duo turned in his seat on the couch at the ruckus as his roommate came through the front door, and he blinked in surprise at the two big shopping bags that Heero struggled with as he toed off his boots and took off his long, grey wool coat.
So much for preferring to shop by himself, Duo thought bitterly, wondering if Quatre had been lying to him or if Heero had been lying to Quatre. "Had a good time with the girls?"
"Yeah. We went shopping after lunch."
"I-…" He stared pointedly at the bags, "I can see that."
Heero smiled sheepishly. "Peer pressure, I guess. I'll probably return most of it."
Duo raised his hands. "Hey, no judgment here."
"No, the judgment will come in the mail at the end of the month," Heero deadpanned, referring to the credit card statement he'd receive in the mail.
"Need my fashion advice on anything?"
The Japanese man snorted. "If I'm ever stumped for the perfect plaid shirt, I'll know where to find you."
Duo smirked, enjoying the banter. Heero carried the bags into his bedroom and was gone for only a few minutes before returning to the kitchen to make himself coffee. He held up a second mug in a wordless question.
"Please, thank you."
Heero put the two mugs under the machine and refilled the water in the tank, then waited for the machine to heat up the water in preparation. Meanwhile, Duo fidgeted with the loose fabric of his sweatpants, pinching the material between his thumb and forefinger and pulling out the fabric as far as he could, before releasing it and watching the hollow mountain of fabric slump back down to his thigh. He needed to tell Heero about Logan calling before Logan inevitably confessed to the odd exchange. Otherwise, it would seem like Duo was trying to hide it from him. Even though Duo was supposed to accept Heero keeping secrets from him, he knew he would not be allowed the same leeway.
Heero walked over and handed him the steaming mug. He nodded over his shoulder at his bedroom and said: "I'm going to wallow in buyer's remorse." He started to walk away.
"Logan called."
The shorter man stopped in his tracks and turned around with a confused expression. "I left my phone here?" He patted the pockets of his jeans and then pulled his cellphone out of his back pocket, answering his own question.
"He called on the landline."
"Why?"
Duo swallowed. "He wanted to talk to me."
"About…?"
"You."
Heero pursed his lips; his lowered eyebrows cast dark shadows on his eyes.
"He told me what happened that Wednesday, when you guys were last together. Sort of… he didn't get into details," Duo rushed to say, but Heero's expression became increasingly dangerous. "He's worried about you – about the two of you. He hoped I could tell him anything."
"And what did you tell him?" Heero snapped.
"Nothing! What could I have told him? I don't know anything!" He practically shouted in his own defense. "Really, all I said was that I thought you missed him too – that's it."
"And what did he say?"
"That he was worried that he had done something wrong. Heero," Duo changed his tone, softening his voice, "did he do something wrong?"
Heero's nostrils flared. "That's none of your business."
"Maybe… But you're my roommate, and I lo-" he stopped himself and amended: "I care about you. If he did anything, I'd want to know, so I could protect you from him."
The other snorted. "I don't need you to protect me. Nothing happened, Logan isn't like that."
"Okay, if you say so, I believe you." He awkwardly traced the rim of the coffee mug with his finger and stared deeply into the dark liquid that was cooling down. "I wasn't trying to meddle," he added weakly, "but he called me and he got me all worked-up. I told him I didn't want to get involved – that you wouldn't want me to get involved – but you know Logan… he just starts saying shit."
Heero's anger deflated. "Yeah, I know." A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.
"You really love him, don't you?" Duo hoped he hid his pain well enough.
Heero nodded slowly, thoughtfully. "I think I do. He makes me feel good about myself."
Duo played idly with the ear of the mug and chewed on the inside of his cheek. "But, if that's the case, why have you been avoiding him?"
The Japanese man stared at him with uncertain eyes as he was trying to decide whether he could trust him or not. "There's something he doesn't know about me," he started.
Duo's heart skipped a beat, then leaped up into his throat.
"Something-… Something-…" Heero made a vague gesture with his free hand and then nervously rubbed his index finger against his bottom lip. "It's too soon for him to know. I don't want to scare him off. I don't want to ruin things between us."
"You're afraid he won't love you anymore if he knew?" As Duo asked his question, he thought back to the conversation he had with Quatre months ago, when his friend implied the same thing to him: that Duo's romantic feelings for Heero might change if he really knew him.
Heero nodded. It was all he could do.
Trying to console him, Duo offered: "I'm sure that's not-"
"Please don't," Heero interrupted him. "I know you just want to make me feel better, but you can't say that; you don't know that."
"Can I say something and you promise you won't freak out?"
Heero stared at him apprehensively and eventually conceded.
Duo put the coffee mug away – the drink was cold now anyway. He regarded his roommate with a poignant gaze. "As someone who is also very much in love with you-"
"Duo…" the other breathed.
But Duo didn't allow himself to be interrupted. "- just like Logan – I can assure you that loving you is a pretty powerful thing. I don't see anything getting in the way of that. You are odd, ever-changing, unpredictable, exciting… Logan knows this, as much as I do, and he loves you, not in spite of it, but because of it – as much as I do. Don't tell your secret if you aren't ready yet, but don't assume we can't handle another 'surprise'; we know you are full of surprises and, personally, I love it."
Heero smiled, but it was a sad smile and his eyes were empty, void of all sparkle. "This isn't some cute little quirk, Duo."
"Give us a chance to surprise you. Give us a chance to prove you wrong. But only when you're ready," he stressed.
The other released a sigh. "Thanks… I guess."
Duo got up from the couch; he grabbed his coffee mug off the table and took Heero's mug from him as well. "Let me make us a new cup of coffee," he said with an impish smile and set to work. Standing in the kitchen, he called out, in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere: "How about I cook tonight? What are you in the mood for?"
Heero rounded the corner and leaned his hip against the counter. With his arms crossed in front of his chest, he watched the machine pour fresh, hot coffee into the rinsed-out mugs. "… Pizza?"
Duo chuckled. It was for the best; he was a horrible cook. "Good choice."
X
It took four more days, but Heero and Logan went out again and the relationship picked up right where it left off, as if nothing had happened. Duo supposed that both were eager to pretend that was the case, even though they both knew, deep down, that something was off. In spite of his burning curiosity, Duo stayed out of it, and his established friendship with Quatre, as well as his blossoming friendship with Heero – although his roommate would still fervently deny them being 'friends' – benefited.
Watching episodes of that boorish cartoon together became a staple, as did Saturday-night pizza.
When Quatre and Trowa left for their six-week-long trek through Southeast Asia, Heero and Duo became even closer, spending more time together, with their favorite blonde and his stoic – but lovable – emerald-eyed boyfriend unavailable to them. Logan was around a lot too, but the man never made Duo feel like the third wheel. It seemed like Heero hadn't told the tall, broad man of the feelings Duo cherished for his roommate; the situation would have certainly been awkward otherwise, and Duo was grateful for that. It was leveling, knowing that he, too, had a "dirty little secret" that needed to be kept. It put everything in a new perspective, and he was finally able to let go. He decided to trust Quatre when he said he had nothing to worry about, and he would patiently wait for Heero to tell him eventually.
In spite of his feelings for Heero, Duo wanted to start dating again – he couldn't pine after his roommate forever. However, he wanted to try something new. He had been so focused on Heero and "the secret" that he had neglected to figure himself out in the wake of the revelation that he was capable of falling in love with other men. Although it was tempting to label himself as part heterosexual, part "Heero-sexual" and just be done with it, it was naïve – and possibly destructive – to his sexual identity to truly believe the Japanese man could be the only exception to his standard attraction. Was he bisexual, but with a clear preference; or perhaps pansexual? As he got into researching the subject again, he found few answers because, after being fooled by his own attraction for nearly thirty years, he didn't really trust himself to identify as anything based on the parameters described on Wikipedia. Attraction wasn't analyzed, it was experienced.
So, one of Quatre's first duties as a friend, once he returned from his trip, was to take Duo to a gay club. The blonde was not exactly thrilled, and neither was his longtime boyfriend, who went along as chaperone.
The club of Quatre's choosing was much like any club Duo had ever been to. The music was so loud it was a reduced to a pounding bass that spread across the dancefloor in pulses, and made the heart vibrate in the chest; an overhead lightshow enhanced the beat, and flashed colors across sweaty faces and there was a constant tug-of-war at the bar. The only real, discernible difference was that there were no women, which meant a lot more naked, sweaty torsos on the dance floor. In spite of not being new to bars and clubs, Duo was overwhelmed and intimidated; he was grateful to have his friends with him, especially when the first drunk man plastered himself against him and was angling for a kiss. Duo excused himself as politely as he could, and shot a desperate look to Quatre and Trowa, who ushered him through the crowd and up a metal staircase to a mezzanine with tables and seats overlooking the dance floor. The music was too loud for conversation and most of the benches were occupied by couples of men feverishly making out. Trowa headed back down to the bar to get them drinks.
Duo looked lost, so Quatre took the initiative and picked a free table for them to sit at. The blonde just watched him as he took in his surroundings.
Trowa returned with drinks – colorful cocktails – and shot Duo a smirk when the man reminded him: "But I had asked for a beer!"
"What?!" Trowa shot back.
Duo shook his head. I know damn well you heard me. He tried his first sip and found the drink to be too sweet – he could even feel the added granulated sugar on his tongue – but it was to mask the strong taste of the large quantity of alcohol. Needing a little help to loosen up, he took another drink from the glass.
"So, what now?" Quatre asked, leaning in so he could be heard.
Duo shrugged. "I don't know!"
"What do you mean you don't know? You dragged us all the way here! I assumed you'd have a plan!"
"No plan!" He realized how silly he sounded. "Just wanted to… see!"
"What the Hell did you expect to see: some Eyes Wide Shut kind of bullshit? It's just a club, Duo! Like any other club! But with more penises!"
"And definitely some 'cunts' too!" Trowa added and he grinned at his lover who shot him a sideways glance.
"Does Heero ever come to this place?" Duo asked, after what he deemed to have been an appropriate length of time to not bring up Heero.
Quatre fixed a glare on him. "I thought this was about getting over Heero?"
"Maybe. I don't know yet." Realizing he had to keep shouting to be heard over the music, he continued more loudly: "I can't force myself to fall in love with someone else!"
"At least stop thinking about him for one Goddamn night!"
Duo nodded. That was probably a good idea.
They finished their drinks and then went down to the dancefloor where they made their way to the center and let loose on the music. Duo had a lot of fun dancing with his friends; it wasn't something they had ever done before, but he hoped they would do it more often from then on. Trowa was more of a "grinder", with exaggerated hip movements and standing bent at the knee so he wouldn't tower over everyone else like he usually did. Quatre pretty much stuck to "vogueing", moving his hands and arms in elegant shapes, framing his face as he put on fierce expressions. Both were amusing to behold. Duo mostly just jumped to the beat, bobbed his head and threw his arms up. He wasn't much of a dancer and he never needed to be; his dates were always happy to dance around him and all he ever needed to do was keep them close.
Trowa got them drinks two more times before he said it was Duo's turn to go to the bar. His intentions were clear as he fixed a hungry gaze on his shorter lover. Duo was quick to leave the two alone and braved a visit to the restrooms. It was readily apparent that two men were having sex in one of the stalls, but Duo was mostly amused by how nobody paid any attention to the groans and the way the partition between the stalls shook. It was the most normal thing in the world – in their world, at least.
Next, he went to the bar and squeezed himself between two occupying the stools on either side of him. His arm brushed against a man's sweaty shoulder but it elicited no reaction. He waved over the bartender and was acknowledged, but with a look that clearly communicated "I'll be right with you". When the bartender finally got around to him, he was stumped for the order – he didn't know what those cocktails were called, so he ended up describing the drink to the bartender, hoping to see a flicker of recognition in his dark eyes.
The man smiled at him and nodded. "Coming right up." He left for the other end of the bar to fix the three drinks, and in the meantime Duo fished some cash out of his back pocket. When the bartender returned and put the drink in front of him, Duo held out the twenty dollar bill to him, but the man shook his head. "I'm sorry, sir, that's not enough."
Duo blinked him.
With a smirk, he said: "It's going to cost you your phone number."
A silly smile spread across Duo's lips and he was certain a blush spread down from his cheeks to his chest. "Uhh, why?"
"You're cute and I love your hair."
"And it's that simple, huh?"
The bartender beamed a smile and nodded.
Duo stared at him: at his dark curly hair, cute dimple, broad shoulders and thick, toned arms. He looked great in that black muscle shirt. He was attractive, for sure, but Duo wasn't attracted to him. He didn't know if it was because of the limitations of his sexuality, or because he was too hung up on Heero. Maybe a little bit of both? "I'm sorry, but I'm-…" He shook his head and offered a smile. "There is someone," he said vaguely.
The bartender's smile never wavered. "That's cool. Worth a shot." With a wink, he accepted the twenty-dollar bill.
The American awkwardly gathered the three drinks and maneuvered through the writhing mass of bodies to see his friends dancing together in a way that he didn't want to interrupt. He left them to basically dry-hump on the dancefloor and went back upstairs where he found an empty table in the corner. He seated himself with his back to the space and put the three drinks in front of him.
As he started on the first, he produced his phone from his pocket. Emboldened by the three strong cocktails he had prior, and while enjoying the fourth, he texted Heero, who he knew was spending the night at Logan's.
Guess where i am
A mere heartbeat after sending the message, the notification read that Heero had opened it.
"Just my roommate is typing…" appeared for no longer than a few seconds.
In the Land of Oz, on ur way to get a brain?
Duo chuckled. No
Shame
Guess again
Are u drunk?
He finished his drink and took a sip from the next before texting back: Drunk is not a place. Then he answered dishonestly: No, not yet
I bet ur making a dapper effort tho
His mouth formed a sloppy grin. Guess! He reminded him.
A bar…
What kind of bar? Then immediately after he typed: Ill give u a hint: lets start a war, a nuclear war… He added music notes to his message before pressing send.
At the gay bar?
Bingo!
Hold on, are you at the gay bar or at bingo? After a brief pause, Duo received a follow-up message: jk
Wanna come join me?
Just my roommate is typing…
Duo stared at the screen and waited. It was taking a long time and he was about to jokingly ask him if he was writing the next great American novel, when an oddly short message popped up.
No.
He wondered why it had taken him so long to send the message – what was left on the cutting room floor? The period at the end was also very definitive. He had always been taught to actively avoid the use of a full stop at the end of a text message.
He typed back: But im lonely…
Then ur doing sumthing wrong
He laughed – he could imagine Heero saying that, with a flat tone and a raised eyebrow. I brought Q + T as my wingmen, but it backfired
U don't bring a couple as ur wingmen, idiot
Save me, come dance with me, he typed and, against better judgment, he pressed send. Tomorrow he'd blame it on the alcohol.
Just my roommate is typing…
Just my roommate is typing…
Just my roommate is typing…
Im with Logan.
Duo made a face and valiantly tried: U can bring him 2
No, Duo. im with Logan, Heero repeated and Duo understood what he meant. He wasn't just with Logan at that moment; he was with Logan, and he had caught on that Duo was being cheeky and flirtatious, and he was calling him out on it.
Im sorry. Duo added: i think i am drunk now. Without even realizing it, he had finished the three drinks. The message was delivered but as he waited and waited, he didn't get a notification that Heero had read his text; after four songs, it was clear that he had checked out of the conversation. He was with Logan after all. Duo pouted at the empty glasses in front of him as he imagined the two of them on the couch in Logan's apartment. He had never been to Logan's apartment, so his mind supplied the image of their own couch, in their shared living room – making the mental picture that much worse. He pictured them kissing and touching – Logan absolutely dwarfing Heero and practically smothering him with his big body as he pressed his boyfriend down onto the cushions.
Not thinking about Heero – even for one "Goddamn night", as Quatre had put it – was impossible. He was in love with him, the kind of all-consuming love that only got more obsessive when it goes unrequited. Duo admitted that his feelings for Heero might be naïve. They spent so much time together and all Duo knew was that his roommate made him laugh; that he had cute little dimples whenever he smiled; that he has a kind, warm heart that he compensated for with a dry, sassy attitude; that he's a good cook, that he likes fashion; and that he has rules about allowing straight men into his life. But he didn't know Heero the way he should to be able to say he loved him, or so one would expect.
It went beyond the secret; the secret had been pushed to the back of his thoughts. No, it was more than that. He didn't even know if Heero had any siblings, what college he went to, if he had a driver's license, if he had ever broken a bone… He didn't even know if any of that mattered, but – increasingly intoxicated as he was – his train of thought wasn't very linear, and his mind supplied all kinds of weird questions about his roommate.
Quatre and Trowa eventually came upstairs to find him sulking and mumbling incoherently, so they made the executive decision to arrange an Uber and head home. The three of them crammed into the back seat of the car after the driver had made it clear he didn't want any of them sitting in the front with him – he could expect a poor rating. Quatre was in the middle because he was the shortest, and both Trowa and Duo leaned against him – Trowa because he just wanted to be close to him, and Duo because he simply couldn't keep himself seated upright as the car made sharp turns on the way to his apartment building.
"Are you okay?" Quatre asked as Duo stumbled out of the car upon arriving at the first destination.
"I'm… fi~ne." He even went so far as to give him a thumbs-up.
The blond smiled awkwardly in return. "Not the most successful introduction to the gay-club life, huh?"
"I had fun!" Duo argued, gesturing wildly and then tripped over his own feet.
"Okay." Quatre was unconvinced. "Goodnight, Duo. Remember to take an aspirin and drink a glass of water before you hit the sack."
"Yes, Mother." He waved them off and then headed inside. The apartment was dark and quiet.
"I'm with Logan," Duo said to himself bitterly, remembering the text clearly in spite of the haze in his head caused by his drunken state. He didn't heed Quatre's advice – he forgot the useful tip, unlike that damn text – and dropped face first onto his mattress, not bothering to take off his clothes, shoes, or even to shut his bedroom door.
Heero was with Logan anyway, so it didn't matter.
Chapter FIVE – Closer will post on 02/05/2017