Disclaimer: The characters in this story all belong to NBC, Warner Bros. and John Wells Productions. I don't make any profit out of this.

A Long Story

Continues right after "Back to Life"

"You know how their birth was…we talked that day on the phone. I was really glad that Mark was with me…but…you know, he was not the person I wanted to be there. But still he helped me a lot. Also while I was pregnant. Mark and Elizabeth were great. The birth was…well, exhausting, but I was so happy, that both were okay. That both were healthy babies. Kate really had a rough start, but she developed great, just like Tess. And I, well…it sucked to get a c-section, but it was necessary. You can't imagine how scared I was. I prayed to God that he should save her. When she came out, she was blue, Doug. Really blue. She didn't cry and all I was asking for was that cry. Until we heard the first tone I thought that the earth was standing still. And then everything happened so fast. I'm glad that I didn't get the hysterectomy. Mark told me later that I passed out because I lost so much blood. Guess I survived then for the second time. It's weird that I have so much luck. First I want to kill myself – I survive. Second I have a c-section and almost bleed out – I survive. Third I had an accident that I don't remember – I survive. I think I just need to thank God for my life. And for the life of Tess and Kate.

The first months were…hard. Really hard. I thought that I couldn't do it. I didn't get to sleep, I didn't get to clean up the house or anything. It was just all about the babies. When Tess was sleeping, Kate was awake and then the opposite. One of them always was awake. I cried a lot in that time because I knew that it could've been different. I missed you so much…you know; I often dialed your number. I just wanted to hear your voice, just to know that you are still there. But I always was so nervous then…son unsure of what to say.

When your letters came I was always reading them loud so the babies could hear them too. I knew that you've always loved them. I saw it in your letters all the time. When I think about it now it rips my heart apart. I've been such a jerk to not let you into their lives. I know that now.

Tess was all cranky when I started to wean them. But I couldn't do it anymore. It was so exhausting…I loved to nurse them, but you know, it were always two and not just one. I got a lot of help from my mum and Luka…well, Luka and I, we started to date for a while, but I just couldn't be with him. I just couldn't. It didn't feel right. I wasn't in love with him…I know he was hurt a lot, but I didn't want to hurt him more and ended everything. Now he's all happy with Abby and that's good I guess.

I always took the twins to the day care in the hospital, when I was working. First I started with a babysitter, but they wanted their mum and so I took them to the hospital. Both were great babies. No major problems at all. Just the well-known child diseases.

I think I told you about Lucy's death…man that was so…even after all these years I can't believe it! It's just so sad…and Carter really had luck.

After I heard about Lucy's death I went into the girls' room and took them out of their beds just to hold them. All night…I was holding them all night and singing to them, talking to them. I was just happy to have them and that they were healthy.

Tess started to walk when she was at the beginning of the tenth month. Kate started to walk with eleven months. They were quite a bundle. Nothing was safe from them anymore. And while Tess was the quiet one, Kate was all like Rambo. She wasn't afraid of anything; she reminded me a lot of you. When we were in the park she wasn't afraid to try the slide while Tess was all shy and stayed by my side. Kate always had blue blotches on her feet…but she never cried when falling down or something…she was a lot like a boy!

When they had their first birthday, I was thinking a lot about you. It was already one year that you missed in their lives.

And when you sent their present, I cried, while unpacking it for them. They looked at me, like they'd understand what I was feeling. I wanted you to be here, celebrating with us. I wanted nothing more. But…I just didn't want you to come for something you left behind.

I got used to that thought, I guess. I had to live on…maybe I just wanted to prove the world that I could do it alone. I don't know. I was broken inside.

I told them about you, almost every day. They were so silent, when I told them our story. They knew you from the pictures here in the house and they always knew that you are their daddy. I told them not to be mad at you, because it was mostly my fault that you weren't here. And they often asked me, when they got older, why I wouldn't change it. I didn't have an answer for them…well, I had, but I just couldn't tell them.

When they were about one and a half year old I started to go out with Ewan…we had three dates and then he found out that I have kids. I never heard from him again…I didn't mind it at all. It's just that I always had you in my thoughts. I couldn't love another man…I didn't want to love another man.

Life went on without a man. The twins and I, we were happy. We had a nice holiday in Michigan, in that house on the lake. They love to play in the water. It felt like they became my best friends…you know, we talked a lot. About life, about God and the world. We played together in the sand; we went for a long walk. It was awesome to be out of the city for one week and I guess the kids liked it too. It was great to see how they enjoyed it there and I guess they also enjoyed to have me all day.

Some weeks after our holiday your mum visited us. It was so great to see her and she was happy to see us. She's a great person. We talked a lot; it got really late, but I didn't mind, because we didn't see her that often, not even when we were together. Tess and Kate loved her too, she's a great grandmother. She told me a lot about your life, your childhood. I guess I had no idea how it really was…we never talked about that…

I told her that we were in Barstow when your dad died. And she told me that I changed your life…that I was good for you because she never saw you that happy before. But she also thought that you're stubborn…and that we will know what to do in the future.

Tess' and Kate's second birthday was all a mess…really! We invited friends from the day care, we had a clown, a magician and about ten, wild kids in our house. It was loud, it was chaotic and really crazy, but Tess and Kate were so happy…they had that light in their eyes…I wish you could've seen that. When they unpacked their presents they laughed so much and they really had fun. That made up for everything on that day. At night, when everybody was gone, we unpacked daddy's birthday present. They were so happy that you sent them these Hello Kitty sweaters. They loved Hello Kitty! Of course they wanted to wear them immediately and they didn't take it off until the next day. And of course they told the kids in the crib that these sweaters were from their daddy. They were really proud.

Kate also got more girly in their third year…she played with dolls and Barbies more, but in the crib she only had boy friends. I don't know if that's good or not, but I can't change what friends they have.

Tess wasn't playing with boys a lot. She didn't like them very much, but her best friend is Lisa and they know each other since the crib time. It's really great that Lisa is in the same kindergarten as the twins too. We often have their friends here. Lisa and also Danny, who is Kate's best friend, come over here a lot. And also the girls visit them often.

They never had problems finding friends…you know, they were just two normal kids.

We celebrated their third birthday without a big party at home. Instead we just went to McDonald's. Elizabeth and Ella came with us too and we all had fun. They always have that kids birthday parties there, so there was enough entertainment for the girls. The real present for them was the journey to Disneyland.

Two days after their birthday, Mark, Elizabeth, Ella, Tess, Kate and I flew to Disneyland in L.A. God, you can't imagine how nervous they were…but I guess not as nervous as I was. It was their first flight and they were so excited. Can you imagine how much they talked on the way to the airport? And also on the plane, they were really nervous then. The other passengers started to laugh at us, because the twins wouldn't stop to talk and then Ella joined them. We had so much fun with them! And then, when we arrived at Disneyland, all three of them were sleeping. We waited one hour in front of the Disney castle, just that they won't miss anything. And you should've seen their eyes when they woke up and they saw the caste and Snow-white in front of them! My god, you have to look at the pics we made. We really enjoyed those two days; it was a lot of fun. Maybe we can go there some time again. I guess the kids would love it. They were so happy…

About one week after that holiday Kate broke her arm when they were learning how to drive a bike. Normally, she was never crying when falling down or anything but that time she was screaming like somebody would kill her. I know that this hurts a lot, but I somehow had to laugh then, because she was always the strong one but then bawling her eyes out. She was so cute…when I held her she hugged me so tight and begging that I should make her hand okay. You know, she didn't stop to cry until she got the cast. Mark made it and he asked her how she liked it. And her answer was 'cool'. Kate was back.

I think that was the only major problem in this year, except of the flu and some colds and some bruises. The year went by so fast…and they're getting so big…sometimes I can't believe that they are four years old already.

Their fourth birthday was a party at home again, but this time without a clown and not so much kids. It was nice. You know, they get older and don't be that loud anymore. It was a nice little party with cake and presents and games.

This was five months ago. We had this accident. I don't know if it happened in the morning or in the evening, but it was when I either brought the kids to the kindergarten or got them from there. We don't drive with the car that often. Mostly we take the El. Why did we have to take the car that day?

Why didn't I let you into our lives before all this happened? It's always been you, Doug. I never stopped loving you. It has always been you."