A/N
Well hello my fellow fanfiction readers and/or writers! How are you today?
GOOD! :D
You're awfully chipper today, why?
I'm happy, and I know it, so I'm gonna clap my hands.
HA, GAYYYYYYYY
Bruh, no homo. I got a girl, man.
Oh? You do? Who is she? And Lady Death doesn't count.
Wut? Why?!
'Cause she's technically dead...
She ain't dead, she's death itself! Wait, that makes no sense...
I'm gonna let him think on that for a while, enjoy the read!
As Team RWBY walked through the halls of Beacon, heading to the small prison deep in the heart of the school, each of the four Huntresses-in-training had their own thoughts about the mysterious man that fell on Yang that morning. Yang was furious with him, seeing as he had fallen on her AND scared her half to death. Not to mention the fact that she had found him feeling her left asset!
Blake's thoughts were darker than Yang's, seeing as the blonde was her girlfriend. She was at that moment imagining what she would do to him when him and her were away from prying eyes. And not in the pleasurable sense. Weiss, being Weiss, was absolutely disgusted by the whole affair. First the boob thing, then his annoying jokes, and to top it all of, that horrendous fact that she had cut his head IN HALF and he hadn't died.
Now, you may be wondering, 'Da fuck is Ruby thinkin'?' Well, she was thinking something so dark, so deadly, so disgusting, that it even made Death herself scared. She was thinking about... talking to him.
(Wait what? How is that bad?)
(Trust me, it's TERRIBLE.)
The girls were about 100 meters away from the entrance to the prison when the man that they were thinking about burst through the small metal door, blowing the brains out of the two guards standing on either side. An alarm started to blare as the man raced towards the four girls. He skidded to a stop as he saw them standing there, already readying their weapons.
"Oh, why hello ladies! Nice weather we got, eh?" he said, doing that thing with the invisible hat again.
"How the hell did you get out?!" Yang yelled over the scream of the alarm.
"What?! I can't hear you over that noise!"
"I said," Yang said, taking a deep breath. "HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET OUT?!"
Deadpool frowned and shook his head. He still couldn't hear her. He glanced around, and, seeing a power box, whipped out his Deagle and shot the thing. The alarm went silent.
"Few. Alright, now that that's over, care to repeat yourself?"
Ruby blinked. "Where did he get that gun?"
"I have no idea. His weapons are all locked up in the armory." Weiss said back, loading a vial of Dust into Myrtenaster.
"Let's kill him." Yang said, staring at Deadpool.
"Are you sure? He's not exactly killable..." Blake said, frowning.
"It's probably just his semblance, we just gotta wear him out and then we can kill him."
"Whatever you say..."
"Are you people even listening? I asked you to repeat what you said!" Deadpool shouted, causing the four girls to give him the evil eye.
"Hey, I just wanna know what boobs over there said, you don't all have to look at me like tha-" he was cut short as Yang uppercutted him, sending him flying into the ceiling. As he slammed into the hard cement, he grinned.
"Guess you're the, fight first, ask questions later kinda girl." he said, as he nimbly landed on the ground, completely unfazed. Yang growled and rushed him, ramming her fists into his gut. He let out a oof as he flew back a couple of feet. He looked up, smirking.
"That all you got?"
Yang roared and started pummeling Deadpool, breaking bones and bursting organs. She reduced him to a literal pile of pulp, panting hard. She stopped as the pulp began to move. It slowly grew, forming the shape of a man. The form cracked it's knuckles as it finished regenerating, forming a smirking Deadpool.
"My turn."
The Merc-with-a-mouth whipped out his katanas, barely missing Yang. The blond snapped out of her daze and backflipped away from Deadpool, who almost snagged her hair. Luckily for him, none got cut. As Yang finished her flip, Ruby blasted in, slicing at Deadpool's torso. He quickly blocked the slash with one of his katanas, bringing the other down towards Ruby's head. Weiss, thinking fast, jumped and blocked the second katana with Myrtenaster.
That same katana snapped in half as it collided with the dust-reinforced steel, causing Deadpool to leap back, looking quizzically at the broken sword.
"Really? Now? You do this to me now?"
It has been a couple of weeks since we last swapped...
"Oh hey brain! I was wondering why you had been being so quiet!"
I DON'T WANNA GET CHOPPED IN HALF AGAIN.
We know, we're you.
OH OK. THEN YOU ALSO KNOW THAT I STILL WANT BOO-
Yes, we know.
GREAT! :D
"This is gonna be a tough fight, it is after all a 4v1. What do you guys suggest?"
The blond one looks to be easily angered, the red one is quite speedy, the black one can make copies of herself, and the white one can shoot spells.
"And where did you learn all this?"
The RWBY wiki.
"I see..."
Deadpool turned to face the four girls, who were once again dumbfounded. He frowned in thought. Then he smiled.
"Alrighty babes, why don't you come and give Mr. Deadpool a little ass?"
Just as he expected, the blonde one growled and charged at him again. He simply stood in her path before quickly turning to the left as she passed him and slamming the hilt of his katana down on her head. She instantly went limp and slumped to the ground. The red one gasped as the black one screamed, pure hatred in her eyes. Like Yang, she charged Deadpool, except making a copy of herself so that when he did the same maneuver, he hit the wrong one. She appeared above him, swinging Gambol Shroud down towards his head.
Deadpool on the other hand was prepared for this, holding a tazer aloft, electrocuting the girl before she could strike.
(Really? "Aloft"? What is this, sixteenth century England?)
(Hush and lemme write.)
The white girl quickly shot off a spell, freezing Deadpool's right arm up in the air.
"Aw c'mon!" he said, as the red one shot it off. The still-iced arm slid across the floor behind DP, moving ever farthe-
(Dude! DP? As is Double-Penetration?)
(What. The. Literal. Fuck.)
(Oh you mean Deadpool! I gotchu!)
(Sigh.)
Deadpool turned back to the remaining two girls. Let's see if I can do this with one arm.
OF COURSE YOU CAN! JUST CUT THEIR DICKS OFF! :D
That is quite disturbing and... sigh... does the fact that they're girls mean anything to you?
NOPEE!
Thought so...
The red girl quickly dashed over to Deadpool, swinging her scythe and nearly taking his other arm off in the process. As he turned to face her, the white one attacked from behind. Deadpool, somehow, predicted this (WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO ME-) and punched the white one. HARD. As she crumpled to the ground, the red one backed off a bit.
Can we stop with the "white one" or "red one"? They have names...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBODY! (cares)
I'm pretty sure that slogan is copyrighted.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBODY! (cares)
Ruby was panicking. She was on her own against an invulnerable opponent, of course she was panicking. It helped a little that one of his arms was missing, but, honestly, that didn't help much. As she not-so-calmly assessed the situation, she wondered where Prof. Ozpin had gotten to.
"Don't worry babe, I got him nice and... comfy." Deadpool said, looking around for his arm.
Ruby looked up in surprise. Had he just maybe possibly somehowly indescribably read her mind?
"Of course I did, ever heard about breaking the fourth wall?" Deadpool gave a huzzah as he found the missing appendage (I hope you mean my arm) and reattached it. Ruby's eyes widened. Did he just possibly almosty maybely improb-
(ENOUGH WITH THE THESAURUSNESS!)
(The who what now?)
(THESAURUSNESS)
(Is that a dinosaur that I've never heard of or something?)
(And you say I'm the stupid one...)
(You are. That word, "thesaurusness" or whatever, is underlined by that red squiggly line that appears whenever the spellcheck doesn't like it.)
(Spellcheck is underlined with that thing too! I THOUGHT YOU WERE A WRITER.)
(There's a little something called creative- oh never mind, let's just get back to the story...)
(HA!)
(Sigh...)
"You've never heard of breaking the fourth wall?" Deadpool said as he flexed his newly reattached arm. "Man, you don't get out much. Allow me to show you..."
(DON'T YOU DARE BRING HER-)
"Let's go babe!" Deadpool sweeped Ruby up in his arms and activated his teleporter, elicting a small squeal from the girl before they both disappeared.
Meanwhile, in the ACTUAL world (the one I'm writing this in. AND YES THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.)
I sighed as Deadpool disappeared from the fanfiction story.
Goddamnit Deadpool... I thought as I heard the familiar whoosh of the teleporter behind me. I turned around to find Deadpool standing there, with an extremely frightened Ruby in his arms. I raised an eyebrow as I saw her.
She looked similar to what she had looked like in the show, but little things had changed. First of all she was A REAL HUMAN (for chrissake, that should be enough for you people!), second she had longer hair, and third she was... BLACK?!
"DEADPOOL WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HER?!"
"Huh?" Deadpool said, dropping Ruby onto the floor in his mad dash to the fridge.
"Deadpo-" I tried to say as he whipped open the fridge and started gulping down chimichangas.
"DEADPOO-" I said again, before he grabbed the backup supply of, you guessed it, chimichangas.
"DEADPOOL LISTEN TO ME!" I yelled at the red-clad antihero, to which he responded by turning towards me and showing me his hideous face.
"MY EYES!" I yelled as I tripped over my dog, who was madly barking while my other one was under Ruby and was squealing and trying to get out but couldn't since she was unconscious and- IT WAS A SCENE OF MAYHEM OK?
As DPool registered the scene in front of him, his eyebrow (or scar or whatever. HE HAS NO FUCKING HAIR!) went up in confusion.
"You're really clumsy." he said, before turning back to the fridge, making me facepalm.
I reached over to my dog and yanked her out from under Ruby, silencing her squeals. The movement caused the girl to stir and groan.
"What happened...?" she said, wearily looking around. Her eyes widened.
Oh shit.
Back in the story...
"WHERE DID THEY GO?!" an extremely aggravated Roman yelled into the phone, causing Red to wince.
"They disappeared through some sort of a portal, Will is scanning as we speak to find where they went." he replied, sighing.
"Well WHEN you find them," Roman said, with barely suppressed anger. "I expect a full report detailing where they are and what they're doing BEFORE you move. No more of this insubordination you've been showing recently."
"Of course." Red said as he ended the call. Then he shook his head.
"Roman being an asshole as usual?" Yin, Red's brother, said as he approached the red-clad man.
"Even more so. I think he's caught on to the sneaking out we do at night."
Yin laughed. "Aw, who gives a shit about that guy? This is our last job, then we'll be set up for life!"
"I know it's our last job, but something seems fishy." Red replied, scratching his chin.
"How so?"
"Well there's the teleportation for one thing." Red said, looking thoughtful.
"We've faced teleporters before. Where'd you think Will got the scanner from?"
"True, but what about how Roman is so... I don't know, angry?"
"He's always angry. He's Roman Torchwick for chrissake."
"Touchè. But what about our target? All we have is a vague description about a tall man in a black and red suit with tons of weapons and an insane healing ability."
Yin frowned. Then he shrugged. "Leave that kind of thing to Will. He's the brains, I just punch things."
"Yeah, a bit too much punch and not enough brains. You're like a bowl of fruit punch at a party that burns like the dickens but tastes like someone put ice in a bowl and mixed it with water."
"What is this, sixteenth century England? Dickens? Seriously?"
"Yeah. Dick. Ens. You're a dick with no ends."
"Why do I even argue with you..."
"Point proven."
"If you two are about done bickering, I've figured out where they went!" Will yelled from just behind a pillar. Red and Yin hustled over to find Will hunched over a datapad as Braxton watched. Will looked up as they approached.
"Where'd they go?" Yin asked, trying to sneak a peak at the datapad.
"Guess." Will replied, smirking.
"Goddamnit Will, I don't have time for your games, where did they go?!"
"Would you prefer it in riddle format?"
"God no!"
"Puzzle?"
"A riddle is a puzzle! And still no."
"How about-"
"Just tell us where they went Will." Red said, quickly stepping in before things got heated.
Will sighed. "Fine. They went to Earth."
"Earth?! You mean the Earth that has no semblances and people are controlled by the illuminati?" Yin yelled.
"They aren't controlled by it, they're... 'guided' by it." Will said back.
"Same thing!"
"Either way," Red said, quickly cutting in again. "we should get ready for the transition. Will, get into civvies and fire up the teleporter. Yin, grab our Earth weapons. Braxton, assist Will."
"What're you gonna do Red?" Yin asked, as Will and Braxton headed to the supply truck.
Red smiled. "I'm gonna find me some intel."
That's all for now friends! Sorry I haven't been posting, school's been rough and-
...and you've been sitting on your ass saying you'll get it done but NO! You must play videogames!
You do nothing either.
I'm an adult.
And yet I'm the most mature. Fancy that. Tune in next time to see me maybe get punched in the head by a supposedly make-believe girl, go on a wild goose chase to find her friends, and hopefully not get killed by the mercenary version of my OCs! Hopefully...
Th-th-that's all folks!
Why are you still doing that?
'Cause I'm an adult! :D
Sigh...