Chapter 4

For the record, two bottles of wine in one night is entirely excessive. Especially if you drink the contents of both bottles by yourself. I don't recall falling asleep or making my way to my bedroom. My head pounds with each beat of my heart making it difficult to focus.

I roll over to try to sleep until Samuel comes in and wakes me. To my pleasant surprise, I find Jane sleeping soundly next to me, her wild hair enveloping my pillow. She is facing me and I can't help but study her currently lax features. Jane is so unbelievably beautiful. She honestly has no idea how naturally pretty she is...such a shame. I wish she could see herself through my eyes.

For a moment, Jane stirs and I quickly close my eyes reflexively. A warm hand drapes itself over my torso. Heavy with sleep, the hand rests on my hip. I tentatively open my eyes, peeking out from behind my long lashes. Jane's act of subconscious affection reminds me of James so much. His sinewy, muscular arms were never far from my reach.

James used to wrap his arms around my waist, holding me against his warm body. His face buried in the nape of my neck, would send delicious chills down my spine. I used to wake up draped in James. Every morning, the pitter-patter of Sam's little feet would wake us. Every morning we were a family. My perfect little family.

James and I had talked about having another child, but he was deployed before we could try. The last time we made love was the night before he left for Afghanistan. My very last memory of James is him boarding flight 392. I held Sam to my chest and we both cried when James walked to his gate. James looked back at us with tears in his eyes and saluted our little man. Lip quivering, Samuel raised his small hand to his forehead and saluted his father. The image still haunts me every night.

I stood in the terminal, clutching Sam as he cried for his father. My three year old son quietly cried himself to sleep in that very terminal. Sobs wracked his fragile body until he succumbed to exhaustion. I will never forget those moments. I will never forget feeling so terrifyingly alone.

I waited until flight 392 was in the air. I watched that plane fly away with my best friend. The other military families left before Sam and me. I couldn't force myself to leave the airport. James's plane lifted from the Tarmac and he was gone. That was the very last time I ever saw him, the very last time that I kissed him goodbye and that was it.

I sniffle as the angry tears stain my pillow case. Jane's eyes flutter open in the dark room and her head lifts off of the pillow in alert. She looks around confused for a moment, her hand still draped over my side.

"Maur, is that you?" Jane whispers and eyes my face speculatively. My face burns with embarrassment and I try to hide my tears.

"I'm sorry, Jane. Go back to sleep." My voice is sturdy and unwavering. Granted, I am whispering. The dark room shields my emotions and for that I am grateful.

"I can't sleep when I know that you're crying..." Jane scoots forward, closing the gap between us. She searches my face for a reason.

"I'm not...crying." This time, my voice is thick with emotion. Lying does not come naturally to me and clearly, I suck at it. Add it to your list of things to work on…

"You're a lousy liar, Maur..." Jane rubs my back soothingly and I take comfort in her touch.

I continue to cry and reminisce on memories of James. Light peeks through the wooden blinds covering my window. I am so exhausted, but I cannot sleep. The nightmares taunt me and I jolt awake to an invisible war zone every night. Last night, however, I didn't dream. I didn't awaken to images of James fighting for his life.

Jane's arm grows heavy with sleep. The weight of it reminds me that I am not alone. I close my eyes in a desperate attempt to rest my mind. For a while, thoughts race around inside of my head and I silently continue to cry. It isn't too long though, until my eyelids grow heavy and I allow myself to relax into Jane's embrace. I am okay, Maura, you are okay. Jane's steady breathing lulls me into a deep sleep.

"Momma! It's the morning!" Samuel runs into my room with nothing but Superman underwear on. My eyes reluctantly open to the sound of his excited voice. Sam pulls and climbs his way up to my bed and straddles my abdomen. I yawn deeply and smile at his beautiful face.

"Good morning, son." My voice is tired and groggy, but happy nonetheless. I lift the comforter draped over me so that Sam can crawl inside. For some reason, the blanket won't budge. Jane…

"Momma, there's somebody hiding in your bed!" Samuel places his small hand on Jane's back and shakes her lightly. "Wake up, wake up, wake up!" Sam whispers and giggles.

Jane grunts in disapproval and shakes her head. "Five more minutes..." She mumbles with her face embedded in my pillow. I remember her arms around me last night. Jane's head pops up quickly and she peers at me and Sam tiredly.

"Jane!" Sam pounces onto Jane's abdomen and wraps his arms around her neck. He repeatedly kisses her forehead and bounces up and down with excitement. Jane laughs and holds Samuel to her chest.

"Hey there, Sammy Sosa...didja sleep well?" Jane rubs Samuel's muscular bare back. I have never seen Sam take to someone quite the way he has to Jane. I take a mental photo of this moment. Incredible!

"Did you sleep with my Momma in her big girl bed?" Samuel sits up and cocks his head curiously. Sam has yet to understand a woman's anatomy. He places his hands on Jane's breasts for balance completely oblivious to her privacy. Jane looks at Samuel's inappropriate hand placement and then over at me.

Oh, no. Jane gives me a look of consternation. Samuel waits patiently for a response, peering down into Jane's confused face. After a minute, Jane chuckles and nods her head, defeated. Uncertain of how to handle the situation, she turns to look at me once more. She needs my help.

"Hey, little man, would you like some breakfast?" I interject. Sam eyes me and Jane speculatively. He is very intelligent for his age and I know that he can sense the change in subject.

"Okay, mom." Sam's brow is furrowed and he looks suspicious, which only makes him that much more adorable. He crawls off of Jane and I scoot out of my bed. Sam holds out his arms and I embrace his small body, his skin warm and soft.

Sam pulls his face back and stares at me. "Momma, you smell bad…" His face contorts into a grimace. I am completely taken aback by his comment. Not only does the comment hurt, but I also feel ashamed. Jane buries her head under my blanket and tries unsuccessfully to suppress her laughter. Am I missing something?

"What do you mean, Samuel? What do you mean I smell bad? What do I smell like?" Suddenly, I become very self-conscious. My cheeks flush with humiliation and I want to disappear into my bed. Sam looks at me angrily and covers his nose.

"Mom, you need the bathtub!" Sam yells at me, clearly distressed. I blink at him, unable to form a sentence. Perhaps it's the alcohol he smells?

"Maur, I can make him breakfast if you wanna shower. I've really mastered the craft of making cereal." Jane pushes herself into a slouched sit. I smile at her remark. How thoughtful...

"The bran cereal, with the vitamin D milk. Oh, and if you could cut and core an Asian pear for him..." I cut myself off, afraid that I am being too demanding. I place Samuel back onto my unmade and disheveled bed. He smiles sweetly at me, like nothing has happened. I guess this is what I get for having an honest child…

"Yeah, yeah, yeah...no donuts or sprinkles and god forbid I give the kid juice!" Jane teases lightly and walks around to my side of the bed. I cross my arms and narrow my eyes. She faces her palms out to me in mock surrender.

"Thank you." I brush past Jane to get to the bathroom, but she seizes my wrist. I stop abruptly and a gasp escapes my lips. What in the world?

"You've gotta teach the kid personal space, Maur...although, I could only assume that he gets his groping techniques from you." Jane whispers to me and grins knowingly. Did I miss something? Excuse me?

"I don't know what you mean..." I whisper back to her and search her warm eyes for an explanation. I feel at a major disadvantage.

"You felt me up a few times last night while you were sleeping..." Jane cocks an amused eyebrow. Oh, well…um…shit…

**I promise to make the chapters longer in the future! Thank you so much for your beautiful comments; I really look forward to them! I love hearing your thoughts **