On Pairings: Zelda

Chapter 4: RutoxLink

LostInHyrule: "Hello, and welcome to our next installment on "On Pairings: Zelda!" I hope you guys enjoy this chapter a lot! However, I'm going to do that review-reply thingy once or twice first...

Dot: In response to your review: "INSTANT MESSENGER COPYPASTA MUCH?"

Instant Messenger? What? And I'm sorry to say, Mr. Dot, that I am not a noodle-imitator. In other words, I don't copy pasta. Sorry. I think my writing is better than that of Pasta. Don't you?

SkiKissedWindKnight: Your review absolutely made my day. I thank you a lot.

DarkGannon: Yes, I know. Also, GANNON-BANNED!

Chaotic Serenity: Thank you for your review. I realize that the way I'm doing this might hinder the point slightly, but most of my forum mates wouldn't really know how to properly explore it anyway. Evil Riggs' analysis' will be about as close as you'll get to a real debate.

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LostInHyrule: "Hello and welcome to the fourth chapter of "On Pairings: Zelda!" This chapter was suggested by Writin' Dude, so I thank him. We will be having a lot of guests today, presumably: Skatare-Din, Imagination's Dream, Writin' Dude, Ahumatae, our analysist Evil Riggs, and Captain-Tonks-Ferore; this time a real guest."

Captain-Tonks-Ferore: "Yay! My desperate please for attention by jumping out of the stands worked!"

LostInHyrule: "Maybe next chapter we should cut down on guests so everyone can tell what's going on. But no matter. I would like to tell you all that On Pairings: Zelda has received 37 reviews in its first 3 chapters and is therefore the most popular of my fics BY FAR. It's got fewer reviews than Diaries of Majora's Mask (55) but Diaries of Majora's Mask has 7 chapters.

"First, on-topic: thoughts on the pairing?"

Skatare-Din: "This is a very interesting topic. I am very glad to say that I will shortly have a ton of ideas."

LostInHyrule: "You mean you don't have any now?"

Writin' Dude: "Anyway, this seems to be a pairing for people who like rated M stories, and want to pair Link up with a hot naked lady. Needless to say, I don't think we should post up any story links for this."

LostInHyrule: "Dually noted. I don't want Skatare to hate me any more than she does."

Imagination's Dream: "This pairing isn't the best, but it's not the worst either. If someone were to write a very well written fic from this pairing, it might turn out ok.

Hmm... It seems as we leave 'yaoi country', as Riggs calls it, I lose bitterness towards the pairings."

LostInHyrule: "Hang on a sec. I thought you said before that you could only successfully bash non-Yaoi pairings; now you're saying you can't bash them? Make up your mind, ID!"

Imagination's Dream: "I just don't like the whole Yaoi thing. Bashing it would take to much time because it would end up as a rant about something very off topic. How you ask? I do not know, but that's what happens. And, most of the non-yaoi pairings I have no problem with. But, the ones I do I can bash the life and after-life out of.

LostInHyrule: "Ah. I think I get it. Anyway, since our analyzer is late, situations? Anyone?"

Writin' Dude: "I'm drawing a blank."

Imagination's Dream: "Fine, I'll do it."

Ruto sat on the throne in Zora Domain, depressed, and sickened after seeing her reflection in the water below. Nothing could bring her out of her misery- well, that's what she though. Hearing foot steps, she looked up and saw none other than Link. Her mood was lifted, but then, almost as if a nightmare happened, her father came rolling through the entrance to the throne room. Rolling was how he got around, of course. He then ran over Link, squishing him flat. Ruto was devastated. And later committed suicide and became fish sticks from some hungry kindergarteners.

LostInHyrule: "Nice going, ID! I like your idea on how King Zora gets around."

Imagination's Dream: "Why, thank you."

Evil Riggs: "I'm here! And I'll do my analyzation now.

"Nintendo brought this one upon themselves. The older Ruto is the one of the first obviously sexualized characters in the Zelda universe, a shapely siren in a come-hither pose. It doesn't take much for the target audience to connect the dots on those strange new masses, and suddenly it's a party in their pants and everyone's invited.

It's best not to think about this one too hard. If you do, even the most repressed logic begins to rebel. After all, this is a cross-species couple; no matter what countless science fiction shows of dubious background may say, this will not end well. The whole thing smacks of the furry/otherkin mentality, with anthropomorphized animals standing in for any number of sexual displacements and neuroses. I can only imagine the fate of this relationship as being very similar to the one detailed in the Futurama episode "Hail, Atlanta!"

I need a drink."

LostInHyrule: "Um, well... thank you very much. Story from the all-powerful me:

Link was going to the water temple. He was miserable. The dungeon was hard, and boring. Then he saw Ruto there, after wandering for hours. She comforted him, and she told him to come with her. He swam up there, hoping for find Ruto waiting for him, but he found her disembodied head at the top of the stairs.

This part of the actual story was removed from "Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time" because it was an E-Rated game. But what did YOU think happened to her? She just disappeared?

Ahumatae: "Was that really removed from the storyline, or did you make that up?"

LostInHyrule: "It wasn't removed from the storyline. Just from the animation."

Ahumatae: "Okay. I'm going to try my hand at one of those situation thingies. Bear with me.

Ruto was sad. Her wannabe girlfriend, Navi, ditched her for Tingle, who ditched her for Ganondorf, who ditched him for Link, Ruto's wannabe boyfriend, who ran away, because Ganondork scared him. Then, her father made an arranged marriage, and the guy she married was hot, and she forgot about Link and Navi. THE END

LostInHyrule: "Sorry, but I really didn't follow a word of that."

Imagination's Dream: "Back on the headless Ruto thing, if it was part of the original storyline... why did they take it out?"

LostInHyrule: "Have you not been listening to me, woman? Because it needed to be an E-Rated game!"

Imagination's Dream: "It should be in the game. And I thought the game was rated T..."

LostInHyrule: "It would have been rated T, had that been in the game."

Skatare-Din: "Okay! I've got one! Finally!"

Ruto was standing on the edge of the water. She desperately wanted Link to come back to her...Just then she heard footsteps behind her. It was Link. He said: "Ruto I have come back to take you as my hot and fishlike bride"
Ruto was overpowered with joy and ran over too Link to hug him. "That is if your fat father agrees," Link said smiling down at her.

"I don't think he will mind." Just as Ruto said that she remembered her fat father saying something about an arranged marriage with a hot Zora. She said: "Sorry Link but my new fiancé is really hot, and that means fewer complications for me anyway!"...She said this and then jumped into the water, leaving Link to cry and wish he could go back to Zelda, whom he dumped for Ruto.

Imagination's Dream: "Yay Skatare for finally writing something!"

LostInHyrule: "Yay RutoxLink story!"

Imagination's Dream: "I just realized. After reading all those reviews for On Pairings: Zelda... God, I'm such a blonde. Wait. Focus. I just realized that this fic might offend some people. So, next chapter, let's talk about a normal pairing and not bash? Like ZeldaxLink?"

LostInHyrule: "You hadn't realized that this fic offended some people? Did the "Huge controversy!" clause in the summary not catch your eye? It's got six flames, for crying out loud!"

Imagination's Dream: "I didn't read the summary, I skimmed the reviews the first time, and I'm a blonde... connect the dots."

Skatare-Din: "I knew it offended some people."

Imagination's Dream: "Well, I assumed it would too, just... not that much. So next chapter, let's lay-off the bashing, and talk about a good pairing."

LostInHyrule: "Aww... you guys sure? I like the bashing ones... well, if you guys insist, the next chapter can be ZeLink non-bashing. However, we're still going to make funny scenarios. Anyway, where's Writin' Dude? He hasn't got back from that restroom break yet."

Skatare-Din: "I don't know... maybe security wouldn't let him in."

Imagination's Dream: "Or the bouncer didn't think he was 'cool' enough."

Skatare-Din: "Yeah, it's possible. Because you know we're all so cool..."

LostInHyrule: "Just because you all know me."

Skatare-Din: -Deadpanned- "Yeah, Lost, you're just so awesome... back on topic, does anyone have any more situations?"

LostInHyrule:

Ruto is banished from Zora's Domain because she's so stupid, and she gives the Zora's a bad name. She goes to Kokiri Forest, where she finds Link sleeping in his bed. She knocks on the door, and Link sees her. He remembers her, and he jumps out the window. He cuts himself open in a million places, and breaks both his legs jumping out of the tree house. He goes into a coma.

Ruto takes him to the Kokiri Hospital and stays there till he's nursed back to health. If she hadn't brought him there, he would have died. He is eternally grateful, so he marries her. He later remembers this was a stupid move, but can't divorce due to Zora divorce-laws.

Imagination's Dream: "Aww... cute."

LostInHyrule: "This might be one of the only stories of ours where they actually wind up together..."

Writin' Dude: "I'm here! I finally snuck past the bouncer. So, here goes nothing..."

It was a bright sunny day in Zora's domain. Ruto was calmly getting ready to feed Jabu Jabu a fish...when she heard Link call her name! She turned around and ran into his arms. He hugged her tight and said "Ruto...I've been meaning to tell you...I-" But alas, Jabu Jabu was still hungry for the fish Ruto had had. He opened his mouth and sucked in both Ruto and Link. There they slowly died in Jabu Jabu's digestive system. THE END.

Imagination's Dream: -Sniff- "At least they died together." -Sniff-

Skatare-Din: "That was great, Writin' Dude!"

Writin' Dude: "Aw, shucks... everyone's situations this chapter are turning out good! You guys have thought of some funny stuff this chapter!"

Ahumatae: -Shrieks-

LostInHyrule: "What is it?"

Ahumatae: -Shudders- "I just remembered the GanonxLink chapter..."

Imagination's Dream: "GanonxLink..." –Twitches- -Shudders- -Goes into fetal position and rocks back and forth-

Skatare-Din: "Aww... it's okay, ID."

Ahumatae: "Would another good story cheer you up?"

Link was running to Lake Hylia. He desperately needed to be alone after Zelda turned down his marriage proposal. Link thought...and thought... until he realized that he didn't like that stupid, blonde, royally spoiled brat anyways! Link realized that he like Ruto!
Of, course at this moment, Ruto's head pops up from the water. Link sees her head in horror, and, thinking his love was dead, committed suicide. Then, the rest of Ruto pulls up, and she say: "Hi Lin- OH MY GOSH! WHAT HAPPENED?!" Since Ruto likes Link, she also commits suicide.
As it turns out, Link had an extra fairy and didn't die after all. Link looks over at Ruto, and runs so far, he reaches Termina, where he marries Romani.

Ahumatae: "Ah, I could spend DAYS bashing Ruto and Link as a couple!"

LostInHyrule: "Good! Then let us continue!"

Skatare-Din:

Link was sitting by Lake Hylia not knowing that his childhood fiancé was lurking in the water nearby. -Dramatic music starts to play- Ruto slowly emerges from the water. Link is petrified with fear; he tries to run but is too late. Ruto drags him down and marries him against his will. THE END!

LostInHyrule: "Very good! I think it's worth mention that that scenario was "In the Style of Jaws."

Ruto knew that Link didn't like her, even though they were engaged. That was why Link had never gone back to Zora's Domain. But she loved him, so she was going to set out to find them. She spent weeks preparing; calculating every inch of where he could be, rationing her food down to the last day, and planning like a military sergeant. She stepped outside into the large world outside of Zora's Domain to look for Link. She took 2 steps outside of Zora's Domain, and an Octorock shot a rock at her and broke her neck killing her. She never got to be with Link.

Writin' Dude: "Hooray for the freaky and tragic situations!"

Skatare-Din: "Yes, a nice tragic situation."

LostInHyrule: "Yup. Tragedy! MORE SITUATIONS! Wait... I got nothing. Wanna end the chapter?"

Skatare-Din: "Yup. Drawing a bashing blank."

LostInHyrule: "On that note, let's end the chapter! The next one will be a non-bashing ZeldaxLink chapter, but don't worry; it will be plenty of fun anyway!"