May 7, 2008

Killian, can you give me a call when you get this? I really need to talk to you. He listens to the message again, debating whether or not to call her right then – he had a busy morning planned and he was very hungover (drinking that much in one night didn't seem to agree with him as much as it had in college) and the headache made dealing with whatever Emma's problem was sound extremely unappealing. He knew she would be mad if he delayed, he had already ignored the call last night and she really did sound desperate, but still, Killian was an expert in running away from problems, not toward them. It had been a difficult year for him – he hadn't taken Liam's passing well at all, drinking himself into a stupor constantly until he was finally discharged from the navy (his commanding officer had taken pity on him and at least made sure it was honourable), and he had been scraping by in Boston with a job down by the docks, earning just enough for a crappy apartment, cheap food and an abundance of alcohol, and he felt that was all he needed. Emma had recently developed a nasty habit of telling him it was time to get his life together, to sober up and get a real job, to move on, and if she felt like giving him another lecture this morning, he was having none of it.

It wasn't until late that afternoon that the guilt from ignoring her ate away at him so much that he felt compelled to call.

"Hey," she said on the other end, sounding very distracted.

"Hi, Swan. You busy?" He secretly prayed for her to say yes, desperately wanting to get out of this conversation and back to his rum.

"No, I, um, just have a lot on my mind."

"We could talk later if you'd prefer."

"No!" She says quickly, and his eyebrows pull together. He can hear in her voice that she really needs to talk to him, and it occurs to him that maybe she hadn't wanted to lecture him at all, maybe she really does need something.

"Emma? What's wrong?"

"Killian…" He hears a sound on the other end and he's not sure whether it's a sigh or a sniffle as her voice drops to a whisper. "I'm pregnant…"

"You're… what?" he asks, not completely processing her words.

"Don't make me say it again!" she cries, and he can hear the sob in her voice this time.

"I'm sorry love, I…" He lets the sentence drift off, not knowing what to say. "Whose is it?" he asks curiously.

"Some guy I've been seeing for about a month."

"You didn't tell me you were seeing anyone," he says, trying to tamp down the twinge of jealousy tugging at his heart. Don't be ridiculous, he tells himself, you definitely do not want to be in this guy's situation, even if it is with Emma.

"Killian!" she squeals in exasperation. "You're missing the point!"

"Sorry, love. What are you going to do?" He knows it's about the worst question he could possibly ask, probably the question she's been asking herself nonstop since she found out, but really there's nothing he can say or do until that basic point is established.

"I don't know. I didn't mean for this to happen, but… Killian, I don't think I can get rid of it?" She says it like she's asking his permission, when really it's the last thing in the world she needs.

"Then don't. Emma, listen to me, you are so strong, the strongest woman I've ever met. You can do this if you want to, I know you can. Did you tell him yet, the father?" His question is met with silence on the other end. "Emma?"

"Yes. I did. And he doesn't… he's not… he…" she struggles, unable to get the words out as she truly breaks down into tears and Killian swears under his breath.

"Hey, you don't need him, okay?" he says, trying to soothe her over the phone.

"Everything is just such a mess!" she cries, and he knows that on her end, the tears are flowing like a river.

"Shh, Emma, I know, but it's going to be alright. You're doing better than me, still, you know that?" He hears her give a weak laugh through her tears. "God, Emma, I'm gonna do better, I swear, I'm gonna do better so I can be there for you. I promise."

"Killian, you don't have to –"

"I do. Swan, as much as I believe in you, you're going to need help still, and I want to be in a place where I can do that for you. I want to be there for you. You deserve so much more than me, but you've got me even so." His eyes are burning hot with tears now, the need to be more for her so strong in his heart that it has lit a fire. He wants to be the kind of man that she can trust, he wants to help her with doctors' appointments and cravings and late night diaper changes and babysitting. He wants her to be comfortable with him around her baby, and he knows he needs to make some real changes for that first.

"Thank you, Killian."

"Of course, love. What do you need right now?"

"Just you, that's all." He can hear that her tears have stopped now, but he knows she's not yet feeling good.

"With or without ice cream?" he asks.

"What do you think?" she responds, the hint of a laugh colouring her voice.

"I'll be at your place in half an hour," he says, and he hangs up, making a left and redirecting his footsteps towards her apartment, stopping quickly at the 7-Eleven on the corner of her block to pick up a carton of mint chip before he asks her to buzz him in.