I know! It has been a long time since the last time I updated the story, but it doesn't matter... thanks to my Beta AngieMG (who is amazing), I'm back and with a longer chapter. Hope you like it!

"Oh, Kitty… Hi!" I replied and my eyes met green hazel eyes that were staring at me for a few seconds and then diverted to look up at the sky where some stars were slowly appearing.

"Yeah, sure…Yeah, of course… I would pick you up but I'm new here and –yeah", Kitty finished my sentence and I heard how she had released a giggle. Then she answered me saying that there was no problem and that she'd pick me up in a couple of hours. I exchanged a few more words and then hung up the call.

Quinn was somewhat tense and pretty quiet. For a moment I thought she was mad at me for having accepted the invitation from her cousin, but she shouldn't be, since she was the one who had encouraged me to go out with Kitty.

"I see you don't waste time," the blonde of my dreams said sarcastically and with that confirmed my thoughts weren't wrong. What the fuck? I frowned and tried to make her eyes focus on me instead of the lawn as she played with her hands. Was she really questioning that?

"Let me remind you that you insisted that I go out with your cousin. Besides ...I just want to go out for a little, I don't want anything else". I decided to clarify that to her although I didn't have to. I couldn't understand why she had looked at me like that, as if she had been disappointed.

In any case, I had every right to want to get to know another person, to go get drunk or do anything that I had on my mind. I always had problems reading women's thoughts or what they were feeling or thinking. Okay, I was also a woman but there were many times that, just for having a male part, sometimes I felt more like a man than a woman, so that may be why I mistook what they thought. I often shared men's thoughts that 'nobody understands women'.

I had invited Quinn first and she rejected me and I understood perfectly that she hadn't entirely forgotten her husband, which was also very recent. But that didn't mean I couldn't go out. I had to admit that in exchange for the rejection, I accepted to go out with her cousin because although she may act a little slutty I didn't really know anyone else that I could go out and have fun with. What my mind needed the most was to be cleared, live what I didn't live in these years and have a good time. What nobody was really able to understand was the state of mind of a veteran after the tragic moments that they'd spent over seas. There will be images that will always torment me and obviously won't leave my mind in the same state it was before, which I know will interfere in any relationship I have because I'll always remember them and maybe I'll never overcome that.

So if I'm ever in a relationship with another woman, she would have to know in the beginning that I couldn't have a 'normal' life. I was conditioned and she would have to help me through those moments, such as my nightmares that I'm not going to lose at all. Maybe the dreams would happen sporadically, but wouldn't ever disappear.

Although I told Quinn that I had nothing in mind, no intention of anything happening with her cousin, the look that she had given me was saying that she didn't believe absolutely anything that I had said. I decided not to argue and hide my inner Snixx. Sometimes, you have to leave women to process information, to remind themselves that not all men are the same. Even if I wasn't a man, but I know that everyone thinks that having a penis meant you act like one. Though that doesn't justify the ugly feeling of being involved in the same situation as everyone and your role was just to show that you were different. Maybe she had a little trauma with it and, well…I will try to help her fix it.

I knew deep inside that Brittany would never disappear from my mind because she was my first in every way and she's still an important person in my life though our relationship ended tragically. But beyond all that, there was something in Quinn that made me feel like I was starting a new phase in my life. It made me feel forced to learn to let go of my past, let go of all that had happened so far. Try to begin and come alive again and start my life from scratch.

"I'm sure if you were looking for a distraction, she would help you with that", I could hear venom in her voice as she spoke to me without looking me in the eye. I was going to reply but I just watched how she started walking toward the house instead, leaving me with the feeling that she was angry and the situation had become awkward between us.

At this time I knew that girl was very possessive. I smiled with that thought because I didn't care at all dealing with it. Moving from a very liberal person to another that was very absorbent, obviously it would be very strange. But I'd rather be with someone like Quinn than one who's indifferent and didn't feel the same for me. I decided to stop thinking because I was assuming a million different things and we hadn't even kissed.

Although I really wanted to.

I started to walk towards my new room to get ready for tonight, but before doing that I threw myself on my bed so I could relax a bit. I took out the picture Quinn had given to her husband and I couldn't stop the feeling of guilt once again telling me what I was doing was wrong and I had to confess the real reason why I was here. But my heart didn't want to because I knew for sure she was going to get mad. I would try to explain myself and every possibility to be with her would disappear. That was the only reason that was stopping me from telling her, but my conscience was telling me otherwise. I should tell her sooner rather than later, it would be even worse if she was told the truth by someone else.

On the other hand no one knew about this except my best friend, who wouldn't betray me. I decided to let time pass and then I'd see what I should do with it, so I kept that picture in a book I was reading on the nightstand that was next to my bed. I sighed deeply and then I went to take a shower so I could get ready for a night out with Kitty.

...

..

.

The music was too loud for my taste, but the atmosphere was quite nice. Somehow it made me feel young again doing things like drinking, listening to music carefree. I had to admit that my ego grew when I noticed all the beautiful women checking me out. At least that meant that although I had been through rough and difficult times, I was still attractive.

"You know, I still don't get how you got my phone number. If I remember correctly, you gave me your number and not the other way around", I said as I took another sip of my beer. Kitty kept giving me these provocative glances and didn't waste any time to use it as an excuse to touch me.

"Oh! I persuaded Quinn to give me your number", she confessed smiling and I was surprised.

"Why did you have to persuade her?"

"She didn't want to give it to me until we made a deal. I managed to get my prize, which was totally worth it", she answered and then glanced at my whole body. I was suddenly intrigued to know why the other blonde didn't want to give her my number. Perhaps, she was interested in me?

"A deal, huh? Can I know what it was?"

"She gave me your number in exchange for me not taking you to my bed tonight Lopez", she leaned in to whisper in my ear as she brushed her hand down my leg, which I stopped quickly before it reached its destination. I didn't know if she knew whether or not what I had between my legs and I definitely didn't want to cause a scene at the bar.

"Relax, we won't do anything tonight. But I can assure you that when we do, I'll ride you for hours, as if there were no tomorrow," Kitty whispered in a deeper voice than usual in my ear and left a wet kiss on my neck, making a shiver run down my spine all the way to my crotch.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't going to be awkward telling her about what was between my legs.

"Who told you-?"

"Anyone with eyes would have seen what you were hiding in those khakis you had on today, honey." Well... she was right about that. I wasn't small enough to hide. I just nodded my head and asked if she wanted another beer.

...

..

.

Once we parked outside Quinn's house, I got out and Kitty pinned me against the truck insisting she get the kiss I had denied her all night.

"Kitty..." I tried to get rid of her arms and her sloppy lips that insisted on getting a kiss. Even though I found her attractive, my mind was only focused on someone else right now. "You know we shouldn't do this"

"Why are you thinking so much about the things we shouldn't do, when there are so many things we can do?" She replied and turned to look at my lips, only this time I decided to take her arms and switch our positions so she was against the truck.

"Thank you for tonight, I had a great time. Goodnight" I said as I leaned over to kiss her forehead, Kitty was biting her lower lip watching me doing that.

"You know I won't stop until I have you naked in my bed, right?" She yelled at me while I was walking towards the house making me shake my head. She was a really persistent girl.

When I walked into the house, I saw Quinn and Beth lying on the sofa in the living room. Quinn was holding her daughter and both were sleeping so peacefully that it warmed my heart. I took a blanket to cover them and so they wouldn't feel so cold.

I decided to prepare breakfast and then wake them up. I really couldn't get any sleep because it was already too late for that. In one hour I had to go to the car wash to work and didn't want to be late.

"My daddy used to make us breakfast every morning," a sweet little voice almost give me a heart attack. I turned around to be met with little Beth who rubbed her eyes to look at me better. I didn't know how to respond to what she had just said. In a way I was glad to know I was doing something they both liked, but at the same time I didn't want them to feel sad from the memories.

"Hey, did I wake you up gummy bear?" I asked her as I knelt in front of her to accommodate her. The girl shook her head and yawned as she stretched her arms so I could lift her up.

"Don't call me that, I'm not gummy", she said making an irritated face which made me smile. At first, I was surprised with how comfortable she is with me, but then I took her in my arms and I was surprised again when I felt her little arms around my neck, hugging me warmly. This blondie was really something.

"You don't want to go back to sleep a little longer with your mom while I finish making breakfast?" I whispered and smiled when I hear another yawn. I stopped cooking for a few seconds and took her to the couch. Once I placed her beside Quinn, I covered them with the same blanket and I stayed right there watching the beauty of the girl's mother. She really was an angel. I was afraid to feel so much attraction to another person who wasn't Brittany, but I was starting to feel that kind of need to be with them, to look after them. It was amazing to feel like I was in a 'home' with a family. I wanted to just take care of these cuties, nothing else.

I stood up quickly when I saw Quinn started blinking. My hands began to sweat and the nerves and shame that I felt made me feel like I was about to explode.

"Hey," the blond greeted me as her eyes adjusted to the daylight. I looked everywhere but at her. I was so nervous, I didn't know how to justify myself if she asked me what I was doing.

"I-um… I was going to wake you up", I started talking without knowing what to say. Those hazel green eyes were too intimidating because they were telling me that she knew I wasn't telling the truth. "Breakfast is almost ready," I headed quickly into the kitchen to finish what I had begun.

"Ugh, stupid", I whispered to myself without hearing someone had followed me to the kitchen.

"It's been a long time since someone has made us breakfast," Quinn's voice quickly made me turn to look at her. "Adding that Beth and I totally love bacon ...that usually wakes us right up," she said smiling, making me blush. I really didn't know why I felt my cheeks burn.

"You were -"

"Yep"

"And you pretended that you were still asleep–"

"Yep"

"Ugh, this is so embarrassing," I whispered and heard a small chuckle. "Hey, it's not fair!" I exclaimed and saw that Beth was coming up behind Quinn telling me that she wanted to tickle her mom. Then, I smiled mischievously.

"Nobody told you that he who laughs last, laughs best, huh?", I told Quinn and she looked at me intently until I started running towards her to catch her and began to tickle her along with Beth. I couldn't stop laughing while Beth and I were taking advantage of Quinn, who begged us to stop. For a few seconds I took advantage and cornered the two blondes so I could attack them mercilessly, until in a moment my eyes fixed on Quinn's and it was as if time had stopped. I was drowning in them and it seems like neither of us felt the tickles that little Beth was doing to the both of us.

"Santana, it's time to go!" Mike's voice made me stand up quickly. Quinn was looking anywhere but me, so I understood that she didn't want to deal with what had just happened. I took some clothes to get dressed very quickly and tried to reach Mike before he left without me. Once out of the house, my best friend waited until I got in the truck. I knew that he was going to say something about what he saw.

"I told you that-"

"I know, I know, Mike. Can we just go straight to work?" I asked him avoiding his piercing stare.

"I've warned you Santana, you better think before you keep doing what the fuck you're doing," Mike gave me his last warning and started the truck.

He was more than sure that I was the one who was going to hurt them, but something inside me was telling me otherwise. The way Quinn crashed into my life and mind wasn't healthy but rather dangerous. I wanted to tell Mike that for the second time in my life, I was getting that Mexican third eye feeling that this wasn't going to end well for me.

"Am I really that insignificant to someone like Quinn that you keep telling me to stay away from her or should about what I'm doing or-"

"I never said that. It's just that you're both very different and look for different things", Mike tried to explain but I still didn't see it as a justification for not attempting a relationship. Obviously with Quinn and I being very different it may make things difficult, but perhaps… Doesn't love solve all problems? Love. I know I haven't reached that point with Quinn, but if I could get the chance, I'm pretty sure I would come to love her deeply.

"Like what?" I dared to ask impatiently. Mike stopped the van for a moment and stared at me after he let out a sigh.

"Santana, can you frankly tell me that right now you would be willing to take care of a family? To be Quinn's support, to listen and live for a while behind the shadow of her husband who died a year ago? Did you take a minute to think about what she needs? If she would be willing to start a relationship and let you be part of Beth's life or if she just wants something without attachment? Or, do you even know what you're looking for?" His brown eyes met mine and all those questions were making a whirlwind of more questions in my head.

"Do you like Quinn?" That was the dumbest question I've let out of my mouth and for a moment I thought my friend was going to punch me in the face.

"Really, Santana? After everything I've said, you're asking me that? Do you see why I tell you it's best to think hard before you do anything?"

"I asked because I don't understand why you have that little faith in me, or in the possibility that we could be together. I understand everything you've said, but don't you think that it's something that we'll see over time? And I think that's something that Quinn and I would have to face seeing how things will develop" Santana defended.

"It's not that I don't have faith in that relationship. But you just gave me another reason in my favour right there. Quinn is a person who plans everything. You don't. You are very impulsive Santana-"

"I only once planned my life around a person. Do you know what happened? It never worked. Now tell me, Mike, why can't there be any chance that Quinn doesn't know what she wants to do in her life? That maybe she feel as lost as I am? I think it's better if we figure it out together than –"

"Maybe she's lost, Santana. I'm not saying she can't be, but she doesn't escape from the reality that she's living. And you? This is the second time that you're running from your own world. For how long will you keep doing that? If you fight or whatever, what are you going to do with it? Are you also going to run from it?" After those words we kept staring at each other for a few minutes, I couldn't say anything and there was no need for him to continue talking.

"I'm your best friend, and I also love this family. I'm not against anything. I just want that beautiful creature Beth to be cared for by the two of you, to not suffer anymore", Mike assured me and that really touched me. We sat in silence for another few minutes and then he pushed my shoulder.

"Come on, we're going to be late", that was the last thing he said and we finished the conversation. Little did he imagine that his words had hit me hard.

...

..

.

As Mike and I worked that morning my boss mentioned he wanted to sell his cabin that he no longer used. I told him I was interested and he offered me a comfortable and cheap installment plan since I didn't have much money saved. That's where the great part about my work came in, I could work overtime and earn enough money to pay for the cabin and anything else I would need for it.

"You're crazy! You know that you'll have to walk at least three hours every day to get to work and back? You're in the middle of nowhere, Santana."

Mike kept looking at me alarmed, his eyes were saying that was not a good idea, but I omitted his opinion and accepted the deal.

After finishing work that afternoon, I asked my friend to take me to my 'new home'. I wanted to clean it and accommodate a bit to see which things I should start fixing. Besides, I needed to clear my head a little and what I wanted the most in that moment was space, silence and time to relax. What better way to do that then by cleaning and arranging my new home?

The hours had passed so quickly that I hadn't even noticed that it was almost midnight when I heard a noise. I immediately stopped fixing the floor of the dining room and slowly made my way toward the front door which was open, placing myself against the wall, waiting for the intruder to come in. As soon as I saw a shadow approaching, I quickly cornered the body against the door, pushing my weight against them and bending one arm behind their back and with my free hand held their head against the door. The jacket they were wearing covered their head, so I couldn't figure out who it was.

"Who the fuck are you?" I demanded an answer squeezing their arm.

"Are you always going to greet me like this?" A familiar voice complained and I reacted quickly moving back and releasing her. It was Quinn. The one I was trying to keep at a distance so I could clear my mind.

"Q-Quinn-sorry I didn't know-"

"It's okay, at least now I can relax knowing that you won't have any security problems. You know how to defend yourself", Quinn smiled as she tried to massage the arm I had bent behind her back.

"Umm, I would offer you some tea or something, but I have nothing here," I said uncomfortably. Her presence made me quite nervous and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was because it was the first time we were both alone, without any other person who could interrupt us or something.

"I assumed that you had nothing here and didn't have diner, so I brought you food since you didn't show up all day", the blonde's voice seemed to be somewhat disappointed and I couldn't help but feel guilty about it. While Quinn pulled a Tupperware with my dinner, my eyes melted into her unconsciously.

"Thank you, but you shouldn't have," I thanked her for bringing me food and then we fell into a deep silence. The tension witnessed was so heavy that neither of us knew what to do.

"Did I do something bad that-" Quinn started asking while playing with her fingers as her eyes were looking down at the floor. I had noticed that she did that whenever she was nervous, like biting her lower lip, which always turned me on so much and deepened my desire to reach out and kiss her.

"Don't you dare finish that question. You didn't do anything wrong, ok? It's just that sooner or later I would have to start looking for another place to live, Q", I explained and she nodded. "Plus, you won't be alone, you have Mike-"

"I'll miss your breakfast," the blonde cut me off this time and my heart stopped for a few seconds. Why was she doing this to me? The first time that I made a decision and considered my friend's advice, Quinn comes and does everything to make me forget the little existence of my rational side. 'Stop biting your lip', my mind pleaded again and again.

"Why?" her now seductive voice made my mind collapse and made my cheeks blush. Holy shit. I had said it out loud and she had heard me.

"It's very distracting," I confessed and I swear that in those few seconds her eyes grew darker. This woman made it very difficult to stay away from her.

"It's really late, how did you get here?" I asked abruptly changing the subject.

"Mike gave me a ride"

"Shit. Do you mind walking back? I'll buy a car someday eventually", I said embarrassed at not being able to offer her a ride to her house.

"It doesn't bother me at all. I used to walk for hours in the morning so, I'm used to long walks," She smiled at me and I smile back.

"You're not going to eat something before we go?"

"After I've made sure you've arrived safely at your home"

"But you have no bed or anything here, Santana. You don't need to move out right now. Why don't you stay at home until you can buy your own furniture for the cabin?"

"You only say that so you can keep enjoying me cooking your breakfast," I said and she giggled which I completely adored.

"Touché"

Two hours went by quickly as we talked about our lives. We talked about our most embarrassing moments we've had and we concentrated especially on our childhood, when everything was easier and simpler. I realized then that I could listen to her and see her smile all my life. I would never get tired of doing it. There was something in her green eyes that lit up whenever she remembered those happy moments. It was beautiful and it made me want to do whatever I had to do to keep the light in her eyes alive. It was when we got to her house that the silence came back.

"I think we should go to sleep, it's really late," Quinn decided to cut the silence.

"Good night, Santana," she whispered once she kissed my cheek tenderly. My eyes were closed trying to record the moment in my mind.

"It wouldn't bother me to make you breakfast every day, you know?" I said watching as she started walking towards her room.

"I know"

Her smile was what confirmed my suspicions that both of us needed someone else to tell us that they were there for anything, just being there for us, so we'd feel less alone. Perhaps we're still lost, not knowing what we wanted. But we could be lost together, right? Only time will answer that.