Schwann was honestly trying, he was doing his very best to try and shut out any of Estelle's words.
Any words from any of the people he had associated with these last few months.

But these people were nothing if not persistent, even inside of Schwann's own head!

Estelle really was more naive than should be allowed. After all of this, now that she knew everything. She still insisted to address him like he was her friend. It would be so much easier if Estelle would just be mad at him, but she wasn't like that. Estelle didn't hold grudges, not ever.

Friends… Schwann didn't have friends, he could not afford that kind of thing. He lived to serve commandant Alexei and be the perfect tool for the commandants wishes.
Oh sure, there were a lot of people whom considered him a friend, but he could never truly return the sentiment. Even the Don, whom had known all along that he was truly a knight had considered him a…

Schwann shook his head. No! Not the Don, don't think about the Don! Anything but the Don. Then he had to hold a hand towards his mouth, Schwann didn't feel well, Alexei pulling that much energy out of his blastia had not been good for him, he could still feel the nausia and sweat all over his body.

Staggering Schwann stumbled into the bathroom where he could lean over the sink, gasping for air and then finally he glanced up in the mirror to see a pair of blue eyes that looked almost fluorescent though his dark hair in the midst of his tanned face.

Oddly this reminded him of the first time he had seen himself after his own resurrection. Back then, he really hadn't felt any emotion, only a dull sense of existence and he had followed orders because that was all he had.
The first real emotion he had felt after having been brought back to life was fear. Fear when he had first looked upon his own reflection and seen a genuine corpse stare back at him. With skin that looked dull like parchment, stretched over his cheek bones, eyes sunken deep into his skull and hair that looked poor and dead. In that moment he had felt terror in all his being, terror for that thing starring back at him in the mirror with dead fluorescent eyes.

It had taken him weeks to look at his own reflection again, but already then a massive improvement had happened. As the years had went on, life had returned to his features, little by little until he looked downright human again.

But he wasn't entirely human, not really. He remembered, how it felt to have a sword piercing his own heart. Like a burning hell fire inside of his body, he remembered the pain of trying to gather strength to go on, but to no help. Life escaping from him as he had felt a cold darkness taking him, and then it was over.

Except it wasn't, because that pain he had felt there on the battlefield covered with wounds and with a sword in his chest.

That was nothing, nothing in comparison to being brought back to life again.

Every dead cell, every dead fiber in his body being forced into a jumpstart. His congealed blood crushing against the constriction of his dead veins, his lungs burning from the unwelcome entrance of new air. A body that had well gone into rigor mortis, muscles that had shriveled up and died forced back in action, to expand and move.

It was first much later that Schwann had overheard in a conversation that screams had sounded constantly for over a week inside of the lab where he had been resurrected… His screams. Without a break, for over a week.

Not that he could remember how long it took, it was all a blur to him. A blur he would never forget.. After they were done bringing him back to life Schwann had been weak, barely able to take one single step. For days he had been in that weird absentminded state where he didn't really feel anything. That is until he saw his own reflection.

Soon after that Alexei had come to him. Told him about the great honor that had been given to him, this new chance at life. He had gotten a new name, a new identity and most important of all… a purpose. To help Alexei in what ever way he needed.

It was about a year after that Raven had been born. Alexei needed entail from Dahngrest and as the job was top secret as well as not recognized by the imperial palace, it fell to Schwann in secret.

To create Raven had seemed easy enough. Schwann at the time was a blank slate anyway, so just make a person you wouldn't ever expect to be a knight.

Make him messy and unorganized, make him lazy and make sure he complaints a lot, especially in regards to physical labor, give him a juvenile sense of humor. Make him the last person you would expect to be anyone important.

At first Schwann felt nothing for his Raven character, it was just a necessary means to an end. Though as the years went by, and more things were added to the Raven character, such as his love for cooking for others, his skills in gambling, his comradely with guild members over a beer at the bar, his hobby fishing at the river, his small games with the local children, his playful flirting with the women of Dahngrest. Small things like that that made the Raven character grow and grow and Schwann grew more and more comfortable and relaxed in it… Perhaps to comfortable… Way to comfortable.

As Raven he had suddenly been allowed to laugh, to lay out in the sun and just enjoy the sun rays warming his skin. He was allowed to fish around for reactions among other people, teasing both men and women a like. Now he was so deep in he had to constantly remind himself it was only an act.
Schwann closed his eyes… Schwann had been created by Alexei, he was the soldier Alexei needed.
Raven had been created by…. No one. He had just appeared on his own and become his own person.

Slowly Schwann glanced up as Estelle's words rung through his mind ones again.

"You don't need to do what they tell you to do. You have feelings, you're a person!"

Schwann exhaled deeply. Perhaps if the circumstances had been different, he really could have become a person again. In the ten years that had gone by, he had indeed changed. A lot. The mirror reflection did no longer tell any tales of corpses or death, he would have to expose his chest before anyone would see anything off about him.
But it was to late now… He had made his choice and he had to live with it for god knew how much time he had left.
If he disobeyed he would be of no use to Alexei anymore and he would die. He should have disobeyed a lot sooner if he would have wanted his disobedience and death to carry any meaning.
It was that simple, there wasn't anymore to it than that.

God this was all so messed up!