A/N Thanks again for all the feedback, i can't believe how much fun i'm having writing this fic, i love PezBerry - the story just seems to flow really easily. More Santana issues in this chapter and PezBerry goodness to look forward to in the next.

As always please R&R : )

Chapter Four

Santana had spent the last hour tossing and turning as she listened to the gentle inhale and exhale of the girl sleeping comfortably next to her. She wished she could blame her mild insomnia on the soft snoring but she knew it was the niggling feeling in the back of her mind that she needed to be up and exercising that was really keeping her from sleep.

Throwing back the covers the Latina quietly slid out of her bed and padded over to the bathroom, closing the door behind her she flicked on the light wincing at the brightness. She didn't really know what had compelled her to get up, but now she was here she found herself staring blankly at her reflection, her eyes automatically wandered up and down as she looked for any visibly weight gain from her earlier dinner. She knew she wouldn't find anything, it was next to impossible, but she couldn't shake the feeling her stomach was suddenly going to swell.

Running a hand threw her hair the Latina suppressed a groan, she thought she had moved past her insecurities but it had taken less than an hour to prove her wrong because here she was. The familiarity of finding herself uncomfortably and irrationally worried and hiding in the bathroom was not a welcome memory. It was then that she realised her obsessive calorie counting, her control of food hadn't improved her relationship with food it had just replaced a worse way of dealing with it.

Sliding down against the bath Santana bit her lip as she moved closer to the toilet, her stomach already clenching in anticipation. She fought the urge to throw up and closing her eyes she forced herself to take a deep calming breath, she willed herself to stay strong.

'Santana? Are you okay'

The soft voice broke the girl from her thoughts as her head snapped up and she saw Rachel standing awkwardly in the doorway.

'I'm fine' she replied, her voice echoing off the tiles as she avoided the other girls gaze. 'Must have been the dodgy food in that place'

Rachel was silent for a moment, and Santana hoped she had brought the lie, but instead she blurted out 'Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing'

Santana cursed her quick defensive reactions as she all but shouted 'What? No, I don't do that anymore!'

If there had been a more awkward moment in the cheerleaders life she couldn't remember it, and here she had thinking their earlier heart-to-heart had been bad. She had never wanted to crawl into a corner and disappear more.

'Anymore?'

The tentative tone made Santana wince, she had no idea how to deal with a concerned Rachel, so she did the only thing she knew how to, 'Just leave me alone man-hands'

If she had been expecting the insult to causing any kind of damage then she was severely underestimating the determination on the other girls face 'That's not going to work, you're not going to push me away'

Santana wished she had the energy to argue but today had been more than draining, so when she felt the diva take a seat next to her she didn't even have the pretence to roll her eyes as she muttered 'Whatever'

The two were silent for a moment and just as the cheerio was wondering if the other girl was beginning to regret her decision to join her, a soft voice broke through the tension.

'Is this my fault?' Rachel asked quietly, 'I mean, this is my fault right? I shouldn't have pushed you at the diner'

Rolling her head back to lean against the cold marble surface of the bath the Latina stared blankly at the ceiling, she figured if she didn't look at the other girl than she couldn't pretend this wasn't happening and that would make tomorrow a lot easier

'It's not your fault Berry, how the hell were you supposed to know I-' Santana stopped short, she had never admitted out loud to anyone that had ever made herself sick 'I'd freak out'

'Freaking out' the singer stated sceptically 'Is that what this is?'

Santana hated the other girl a little bit right then, she had forgotten how confrontational Rachel could be. Anyone else would have accepted the lies she was feeding them and left her alone, in fact anyone else would probably have slammed the door shut or stayed in the warm, comfort of their bed rather than deal with this mess. And that thought made Santana soften a little bit towards the other girl, not that she'd admit it.

'I wasn't going to it' Santana sighed, casting a sideways glance at her friend who looked uncertain which wasn't surprising considering Santana wasn't sure she believed that she was saying herself 'I mean it, I just…I'm so careful about everything I eat, I live off those horrible diet shakes Coach makes us drink, that it's been a while since I ate any actual food. I just felt…'

Frowning as the taller girl trailed off Rachel pushed 'You felt…'

'Guilty' the answer was so quiet Santana wasn't even sure she had said it out loud.

'Why do you feel guilty?'

Santana shrugged, hoping to appear nonchalant 'If I get fat then I'll get kicked off the cheerios and lose my scholarship and I need that scholarship to get out of this redneck town. I'm not gonna end up some Lima-loser working a dead end job while assholes like earlier push me around. I may not be able to control the colour of my skin but I can control my weight and that means I control my future'

Rachel was still as she processed what she had heard, 'You're not gonna get stuck doing anything you don't want Santana, you have more drive and determination than anyone I've ever meet. But you have got to stop letting other people change the way you look at yourself'

'Right okay, well I'll get right on that' Santana replied sarcastically, though the usual venom was absent as she felt her shoulders sag. She had been carrying around so many insecurities and hiding them under a mask of anger and bitchiness that she was exhausted.

'You don't have to do it on your own' Rachel pointed out, 'Everyone in glee cares about you-'

'No they're afraid of me, they don't even want me there so why would they ever care about all my bullshit'

'For someone so smart you can be kind of dumb some times' the diva admonished with a slight shake of her head 'Maybe at the start they were scared of you but now…we know you love glee, it's the best part of your day right?'

Santana grinned at this; remembering how it was Rachel who had been the one to believe her.

'I see when you're onstage and you are…incredible. You're not the same person you were Santana, and you have to believe that everyone in our group sees it too. They might not know about-' Rachel paused, trying to think of a delicate way to put it 'All of this, but I know that they'd help you out in a second. You said it yourself earlier, we're a team and that means we stick together'

'Maybe' the Latina admitted 'But I don't think I'm ready for anyone else to find out about this, can we just keep this between us?'

Rachel nodded 'Sure'

A shiver crept through Santana's body as she realised how cold it was in the bathroom 'I think I'm ready to get out of here now'

Rachel smiled and hopped to her feet, extending a hand to Santana who accepted it gratefully exhaustion sweeping through her as she struggled to her feet. As the two made their way back to their beds Santana hesitated as she held on to the smaller girl's hand. In an unspoken gesture she crawled under her covers indicating there was space for Rachel too. Santana didn't want to make it obvious that she wanted the other girl to stay with her not only because she didn't want to appear weak, but also because she really couldn't take it if Rachel rejected her. She watched Rachel process the situation, probably weighting up where it was an elaborate joke, before letting out a silent sigh of relief as the singer slipped into the bed.

The two lay side by side arms brushing against each other in the small space before Santana rolled over and let out a loud yawn. She smiled as she felt the other girl turn with her, aware their bodies were now achingly close the cheerleader bit her lip in nervous thought. Then as if on its own accord Santana felt her arm reach back to grasp the diva's arm and wrap around her, drawing the two girls closer together. Relaxing as she felt Rachel pull her close, Santana finally found comfort in the other girl's arms and allowed herself to give into the tug of sleep as they lay huddled together.