I'm so sorry I haven't updated in ages! I've just started university and the first term has been crazy. But now I'm back for the Christmas holidays I should be able to do some regular updates. This is a bit of a filler chapter but I've mostly finished the next one (which should be up in a few days at most) which is more plot. Anyway I hope you enjoy.

Gathering Thoughts

Outside the interrogation room, Jim pauses to gather his thoughts. Bones, Spock and the Admirals have already gone into the adjacent observation room, where they can monitor the 'conversation' Jim and Kodos are about to have.

Jim wonders if what he is doing is right. He has never, ever believed that torture is okay, or that it should be allowed. But now, with the current situation and the rage pounding through him and filling his head with noise, his previous aversion seems impractical. Kodos has information that Jim needs, and his demands are unthinkable. Therefore he has to pry the information from the man with whatever means necessary.

Jim can think of a fair few means. It's true that he's never tortured anybody, or even seen anybody else being tortured. But he has been through enough of it to count himself as an expert – an inside man. Kodos isn't the only one who's hurt him. Even so, Kodos is the one who hurt him first (excluding Frank, of course, who hurt him for years – but Frank never held him down and made him scream until he talked), and therefore probably had the most impact. Kodos may not have done it himself (the bastard couldn't dirty his own hands), but he ordered others to make Jim suffer in every way he could think of.

"Where are the others hiding?" Jim whispers to himself, because he heard that question so many times. Occasionally he dreams of it – the words swimming round his head. Sometimes they said it softly, sometimes they screamed it at him as he wept. They never believed that he didn't know the answer, even though he kept telling them, mixed in with lies he thought they wanted to hear.

Ever since his experiences on Tarsus, ever since that horrific ordeal that he went through at the hands of men who became monsters, he has been completely opposed to any form of torture. He always thought that he wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's something he's been quite vocal on – him and Bones have discussed torture on a number of occasions, usually over copious amounts of spirits. Bones has always been there to talk, even though Jim has rarely taken him up on the offer when sober (he prefers to keep the past in the past).

Jim can tell that Bones is disappointed in him. The doctor had expected him to walk away, or at least to deal with Kodos in a humane and fully decent way. But then, Bones has always thought Jim is a better man then he actually is. Jim knows he isn't a good man at the moment – he is about to go and torture somebody (which, at least in his mind, is so wrong that the thought of it makes him feel mildly ill). He honestly doesn't want to do this now that his anger has subsided, but he doesn't think there is another feasible choice. He just knows Kodos isn't going to give anything up through negotiation. The man is completely in his comfort zone. All Jim has to do is take him fully out of it.

Briefly, Jim considers if this is how Kodos justified hurting Jim to himself. The thought fills him with even more nausea. But he has to do this. He needs that information – it could save countless lives (or of course none at all). For all he knows the Klingons are planning an attack.

His desire to make Kodos hurt doesn't even factor into the decision. Not really. He doesn't want to torture the man – he just wants him to die. He made a promise that he would kill Kodos and now he just wants that done. He keeps his promises, he always has. But things have become more complicated than that, and his plans have had to change.

This whole situation has thrown the past back up, acid in his thoughts. He can't stop remembering. Things he hasn't thought of in years are being pulled into every waking second. He fears natural sleep – he is vulnerable enough on most nights, so who knows what his nightmares will contain now?

His mind flickers and he is back on Tarsus, next to Thomas, who's dead on the floor, his expression almost accepting; this serenity contrasting with the blood against his skin. The dead guard beside him wears an expression of surprise; he wasn't expecting to be shot by a kid (although, of course, there are no children anymore, just those who are short in years). There is blood on Jim's hands from where he tried to staunch the bleeding from Thomas' neck (fruitlessly, because even if there was a doctor nearby to help it was probably already too late for him) and it tickles him slightly as it dries. There is a single tear running down his face, but he doesn't wipe it away; he doesn't want to move. He doesn't want that tear gone, gone like Thomas, just a memory of pain.

Now, all these years later, he feels a single tear running down his face once more. This time he wipes it away.

Next update soon! Please leave me a review.