Key:
Bold = game messages, indication of speakers
Italics = NPCs speaking, special thoughts, messages
*doing* = in-game actions
*doing* = player actions
Undead, Undead… Oh, a Tree!
Aand, we're back. High Wall of Lothric, 'Vordt of the Boreal Valley' bonfire. Feels like an eternity since I've last been here.
Courtesy of Vordt (or his souls, rather) I've also got myself a little bit more health. You never know when you might need it. But enough talking. Onwards!
…to where, though? This is a dead end. Just this bottomless cliff right here. Still an amazing view, though. I just figured the boss was the way forward, but guess not. Time to go exploring again. At least I know this courtyard like the back of my hand now.
One quick, unplanned agro of the Lothric Knight tag-team later...
You died.
Well, that didn't take long. I think I can take on anything one on one right now, but it gets really gnarly when there's more than one guy attacking. Let's play it careful. Also, quick side note while I'm back here; I love Vordt's arena. With the floor tiles all crushed and trampled over – nice touch.
Okay, so, the knights are dead. There's still that ominous hall here on the other end of the courtyard. Boss number 2?
Yep, definitely boss number 2. Large space, claw marks on the carpet – at least they make it pretty clear what you are wandering into. Let's give a wave to the 'harmless old lady' over there. She's totally not going to kick my ass, I'm sure.
*carefully tip-toes closer* Nothing's triggered yet…
"Unkindled One. I am Emma, High Priestess of Lothric Castle…"
Huh?
One big blablablablabla later…
I stand corrected. Thank you, actually harmless lady who gave me a banner, a covenant and free advice on the boss that I just killed. I guess you were supposed to come here first? Thought how you'd figure that out beforehand is a mystery to me.
Ok, so, if I understand this correctly, I need the banner to move forward behind Vordt. That would explain it. I still don't get this room, though. I thought for sure this was a boss. Moving on, I guess.
Hold up envoy banner.
Will do, game. Though, how that's gonna help me I'm not entirely – oh, a cut scene!
That's a hand. With claws. What have I gotten myself into now? Oooh. Okay, it's just you guys. Aaand you're grabbing me, of course. Nice to see that's still a thing. I wonder if it's still the same three demons from the first game. I hope not. Just think about that: that would really suck; to be stuck as every undead's personal air taxi for – however long it takes between each game.
Also: I refuse to think that this would be an accepted method of safe travel. Whereto dost thou take me, demon?
*gets dropped off on a broken tower*
Undead Settlement.
Okay then. I've gone straight from the highest castle to the lowest of slums. Progress?
*Takes a little sight-seeing tour* Not exactly well kept this place. Though the bridge looks sturdy enough. Except for the collapsed part down there – and of course that 'dead' dragon on the other end. Boy, can't wait to get to you…
Hey, there's the first local residents down there. They look in really bad shape. Like, really bad; worse even than the other hollows so far. Do you want to be let in, too? We have the same goal here, people; I come in peace. Just passing through; don't even mind me and I won't kill you.
What do you know; they actually don't mind. I think these are the first things that haven't tried to kill me on sight. Wondering how long that will last.
*Gate opens*
Aw, how about that; the locals are letting them in. That's really nice of the…"
*Angry pack of zombie dogs appear and proceed to murder every single peaceful Hollow*
Oh wow. Now that's the opposite of nice. And they immediately start killing everything. Why did I think anyone in this game had a soul? Heartless bastards; everyone. Oy; dogs; leave these poor guys alone and come to me! You seriously need to be euthanized.
*Proceeds to get stun-locked into oblivion by angry pack of zombie dogs. Eventually, wild axe-swinging prevails.*
Phew. I have literally no health. Have I mentioned yet that I hate dogs?
Yeah, keep smirking at me there on the other side. 'He'll never get in!' You do know there's a lever right here, right?
Apparently he didn't. His last mistake *evil laugh*. Also: Bonfire!
These villagers are not ready to fight me. Look at this; that guy's coming at me with a freaking plow! You know, I'd happily leave you to your gardening if you gave me the option. No? No. I guess I'll just kill you and invade your home, then.
This really is a slum. *picks up item* What is a 'charcoal pine bundle' now..? More importantly, what was that noise behind me?! *turns around and gets jumped on by a tiny man with a wizard hat* Ow! Hey! Get off me! Dude. *little man jumps off after a lotof face-stabs* Are you done now? No, he's not. *dodge* Can you die, please?
*Miscreant does as asked*
Okay then. Note to self; piggy-back rides are not as much fun as they look. Are there more of you in here?
Of course there are. But they don't seem to know I'm here yet. Sneaky plunge-attack? *exactly that* Yeah, that works. His buddy saw me, though. *dwarf comes in swinging* Can I block you…? Wow. Answer: Yes; easily. Barely took any stamina, too. Well that makes live a lot more liveable, doesn't it? Let's get the last one. Why are you guys wearing Harry Potter hats?
That is a lot of people in this square right here. And they are praising the giant bonfire. I won't seriously have to fight all of them, will I?
Apparently I do. There has to be some way around this. Hey; are those exploding barrels? *throws an experimental fire bomb*
*Gigantic explosion throws three unfortunate villagers to the other side of the square*
Hihi! That is fun! Can I do it again? *another firebomb; another deadly explosion* Holy hell; those guys went flying. And their buddies didn't even care. How you can miss an explosion like that right-bloody-behind you is beyond me. I'm out of barrels though. Time to thin the numbers in close combat *activates weapon buff*.
*Three dead villagers later*
Okay, they've finally noticed I'm here. Took them long enough. Still no great hurry to swarm me, though. They look pretty chilled, all things considered. Except for that big thing with the spiked hammer who's coming straight for me. I guess that one means business.
*The 'big thing' takes out a book. Mumbles incoherent words. And throws a black, swirly something at Fred*
That can't be good, can it? *dodge- right into it* Ouch! *status-effect bar appears on the bottom of the screen* I don't even want to find out what that bar does when it fills up. Let's kill you before it can. *attacks* Okay then; that's not a lot of damage, and you don't stagger at all. And here comes the hammer. *tries to dodge and gets flung back a couple of yards by a vicious spiked hammer-head* Ouch again. You are going to be a pain in my behind, aren't you?
*Maniacal laughter in response*
Okay; someone is enjoying their job. *gets up, attacks, and manages to dodge the hammer this time* She's got a lot of health. Is it a she? I don't know. Perhaps I'm miss-gendering again. *crazy man/woman/whatever sets themselves on fire and goes for a hug* Nooooo, thank you! I don't even wanna find out how fast that would have killed me. Die already, you crazy loon!
Alright then. Just slaughtered half the village plus the local crazy priest. Do I get anything for my troubles? *picks up Estus Shard* …Yeah. That about does it. Not complaining.
There are so many directions to go, it's not even funny. Let's go for the sharp left first and work our way over. Can I open this door? *opens door* Yes, I can; holy shit! I thought for sure this would be one of those 'key required' doors. Sweet.
The room fully of hanging corpses, though? Not quite so sweet. You just know one of those is going to come alive. I guess once I get that taunting item back there…
Well then; here we go. Ambush in three, two, one…
*picks up item*
*jumps to the ceiling as the cage right next to the item starts screaming*
Goddammit! What in the world are you?! *kills the jump scare* Holy shit! I was even ready for it and it still got me! Sneaky. And there's like a bajillion more of those in here. Come on, then. I'm going to pre-emptively hit every single one of you now.
*one long round of cage- and corpse stabbing later*
I get the feeling this game is trolling me. All those corpses, all those cages, and there was exactly the one enemy in there. They just want to make you paranoid, man. I will never trust an inanimate object again. *turns a corner and stops in his tracks* Sweet heart attack in a hand basket; this hallway is full of them. This is just mean.
Oh my god; you can just lock onto the real ones. I'm a moron. Are you alive? No you're not. You? Yes, indeed. Wait; what are those shadows…? *pair of wizards fall from the ceiling and attack* You guys just don't give up. Block you; and you're dea… or not. They are pretty agile. I should probably kill one quick before this gets out of ha… What was that behind me?! *gets slashed from behind by a wannabee crop harvester* Man! Do you mind? I'm a little busy at the moment. Hold on; why do you have red eyes? Should I be worried?
You died.
I know your trick this time, bitches. *wizards drop once again, this time being greeted by a buffed axe* Okay, and now for you, red eyed douche. Not so tough on your own, are you? *cue an angry exchange of hits, with neither participant bothering with blocking or dodging* Grr! Okay. Deep breaths. Could have gone better, but everything is dead for now.
There's another crazy priest up there, throwing stuff. *villager bursts through a door* And you. *another villager comes in swinging a wooden hammer* And also you. You know what; fuck this; I'm just going to run right through. See if you can stop me.
Well. They either can't, don't want to or just forgot; cause nothing is chasing me anymore. I'll just drop down here… And there's a bonfire right here. Holy shit; I've never been so glad to see one! (that's a lie; the Anor Londo bonfire behind the archers takes that trophy) Almost as if I'd planned it.
Dear Lord; there's a sever right here. Thankfully, it's locked though *awful DS1 flashbacks*. In that case, I'll happily be going forward. I have no desire to have my face eaten by a slime right now.
And on this path, there's just this giant dude with a machete – and a plank of wood on his back for some reason. I take it that is not meant for sledding, is it? Do I even dare ask?
*Machete-man must have been offended by that comment, since he's now thundering towards the intruding little Ash (me)*
Here comes the pain train *dodge*. And it overshot by a mile. Are you tough? *attacks* Not that much. That's it; keep hitting the ground in front of you, while I attack you from behind. Genius. Perhaps you should invest in a brain. Or a steel plank instead of wood; that way… *sneaky turnaround and machete to the face* …Okay, I should probably stop talking shit. *dodge; fail* Ow! You also have that status effect. Is that bleed? Would make sense with your…*sharp-toothed machete swings and misses* …that. But it's all good; he's doing the front attacks again. Hack away.
*Machete man dies and disintegrates into dust*
Somehow I don't think that means you'll stay dead. You weren't that tough. Onwards.
I don't like this at all. There are so many javelins in the ground. That is foreshadowing if I've ever seen it. Let's move in slowly; shield at the ready. Is that white tree back there important?
*Giant javelin lands right beside the tree, in the midst of some unfortunate villagers*
Woah! I kinda guessed something like that, but still; that must have hurt. Where are those coming from? *follows the path of the next projectile to the top of a distant tower* Ah; a giant all the way up there. That is quite an impressive range you've got there, sir. And for now you're apparently helping me. Are you Gough 2.0? Also, what is that little dot up there?
*Little dot slowly grows larger*
Oh dear. Runnnnnning away! *giant arrow detonates against the stones behind which Fred is cowering* That was too close for comfort. So much for being on my side. I guess it's running-through time.
Ah, but all these beautiful items! Greed or safety; safety or greed? Who am I kidding; greed of course. *picks up the first item* What is a 'young white branch'? *ominous hissing noise in the background* Oh hell; here comes the next one *blind dodge*. Holy shit, that worked. What is the rest of this?
Another white branch. And another *hissing noise; no blind dodge this time*. An also another of those. I should really leave. But I see you there, item on the precarious platform. You know I'm going for that. Dodge the arrow and… *leap of faith* …made it!
Come here, item! You better be good *picks it up*. What on earth is an 'Undead Bone Shard' no…
*Giant arrow of doom sends Fred flying over the edge*
You died.
This game is one giant bait, I swear.
Of course my souls would be on the other side of the chasm. Leave me alone, peasants! It's leap of faith time. 1, 2, 3 aaaand…*jumps* Hey; I didn't fuck it up! Yey! Oh dear; I can hear the next one incoming. *dodges; gets hit anyway* Fred! Don't slide off! Phew; thank you, man. That was far too close to the edge.
Time to get out of here. Can I jump back…? *jumps; there's a big boom right behind* Yes I can; and not a moment too soon. I'm legging it, fuck this place.
Move! Dude, seriously; get out of the door! You know, there's a giant… *giant arrow cuts of the rest of that sentence* Well; yeah, that. Now you're dead, and I'm alive. Bruised, but alive. How did that work out for you, hah?
At what point does this fucker stop shooting at me?!
Thank Gwyn for this stone building! At least the archer can't seem to get in me here – meaning I'm just waiting for the next ambush. *tip-toes along the corridor* Come on; where are you...?
Okay; no ambush, but a door on one side and a big freaking courtyard on the other. Alright. I mean, just look at this entrance; that practically screams 'fog wall', doesn't it? Looks like I've found the next boss. And I have, like, one Estus left. Where the hell is the next bonfire?
*Pushes open the door* That's not a bonfire. That just looks like a fully grown area; I can see at least a dozen enemies just from here. Did I miss something on the way?
Well then; let's take stock. I've got one Estus, a giant shooting range behind me and no clue where the next bonfire is. This is the plan: take the path of least resistance and hope for the best. Let's head up these stairs here; I don't like the look of that fat priest/ess waddling towards me from the other path.
So far, so right. But that up there is another of those strange guys with the plank on his back. Still don't know what that's about.
Oh, I see you have a pot instead of a machete. Are you the local cook? *gets pounded into the ground by a giant cooking pot* Okay; might have bitten off a bit more than I can chew, here. I'm running. Hopefully he's as slow as he looks.
Nope; not even close! *dodges deadly potty slam* But on the other hand, there's a lot of fire barrels right here. Maybe I can be smart about this. Woah! *second last-second dodge* Okay; keep it cool. Let me just get my distance, aaand…
*Firebomb lands right in the barrels, causing the appropriate reaction. So far, so good. Sadly, it's not Fred's firebomb, and not the barrels he was aiming for.*
You died.
Oh my…! Well, okay, that's entirely my fault. I should really question why those barrels are there. Of course, there would be assholes just waiting to set them on fire.
But now I'm all the way back here. And have to traverse the giant's shooting range again. *Heavy sigh*
You know what; fuck it. I made it back to the boss arena more or less in one piece, I have four Estus Flasks, and I'm not even going to bother with that fire-barrel place again. I can totally ace this boss, if that means I'll never have to run through this shitty place again.
Why do I get the feeling like that big tree there at the far back is going to come alive on me? Maybe it's the legion of peasants praying to it. Or maybe the fact that FromSoft hasn't made a real tree boss since the Bed of Chaos. *shivers at the flashbacks* I do hope they've learned something. At least the floor looks stable enough this time around.
Yep, there it is. The thing is turning. And it's a tiny bit bigger up close than I thought. And ewww; you have eggs all over you. Or are those puss sacks? Either way; gross. 'Cursed Rotted Greatwood', huh? At least you can't fault them for being inaccurate with the naming.
Uhm? This thing kind of doesn't take damage. Do I need fire for this? Would make sense, considering it's a tree. But then again, I am already using an axe; so that should have some effect at least. Weird. *accidentally hits one of the 'eggs', causing an explosion of damage to the bosses health bar* Oh! Okay. Got it. Weak spots. Why not.
*Praying villagers come swarming*
Uh, do you guys mind? I'm kind of in the middle of something… *giant branch comes a-swinging and knocks everyone over, including the annoying peasants* Okay then; they aren't getting back up any time soon. That works, too, I guess.
Can I burst your big nut sack? Terribly sorry for calling it that, but the analogy is inevitable *another gross explosion* Yes, I can. And it stuns him, too. Not for long, though *ugly tree lift itself off the ground*.
*And slams back down, causing the entire floor to collapse and Fred falling to his death*
Woooahh! How is that even…? Hold on a second; I'm not dead. How, I have no idea. This really is Bed of Chaos number two. Except that they've apparently gotten rid of the instant death, which I very much applaud. Also, what is that thing doing now? *enormous gross arm burst out of the trees – ribcage?*
What is with these bosses growing extra appendages left and right?! Is this the new hobby in these parts? *arm grabs Fred out of nowhere and proceeds to slam him into the ground*
You died.
Well; next to killing me, of course. Let's go again.
*Skip to the end of the fight. Because I'm lazy.*
And there it falls. Ember Restored. This is the grossest boss I have ever fought, by a long shot. And this seems to be a dead end, too. I got a 'Transposing Kiln', whatever that is. I'll check that later. For now, I'm just glad this is over. Bonfire time.
You look awfully like an NPC, dead body on the floor. Can't speak to the bugger. Did I fuck something up or are you supposed to look like that? I'll just cross my fingers and say the latter.
I hope people still want to read this. I might move on to skipping a few areas and just do the parts that I have some entertaining ideas for, cause Road of Sacrifices would be a slog.