Don't you think that's beautiful?
Meanwhile in Alexandria, Daryl struggled finding sleep yet again. He rubbed his eyes and decided sleep was a lost cause. He couldn't remember the last time he had actually had a full nights rest. Even now, after defeating Negan in a war that cost so many lives and so much heartache, he still couldn't fall into a deep sleep.
It had been peaceful in Alexandria, as well as the Hilltop and Kingdom, for almost 6 months now. It wasn't that he didn't like being able to live a somewhat normal life, but it had kept his emotions in check and his hands busy to aid in not constantly thinking about her. She should be here, she deserves to feel peace and have all the nice perks of being in the safe zone. What hurt most is having to abandon her body after leaving Grady when an enormous herd overwhelmed the group. He fought the entire team tooth and nail to go back for her, to give her the proper funeral she truly deserved. It was because of her that he could finally see the beauty in things. Growing up in an abusive home,around every type of drug you could get your hands on, everything was ugly. She proved him wrong on so many occasions when they were alone after the fall of the prison. He hated the feeling of not getting closure, but even worse, the horrific reality that she could had been supper to that horde of walkers. It made him sick to his stomach. He felt guilt for not going back alone. He had nowhere to visit her grave, nowhere to go sit and talk to her, hoping there was a heaven and she could hear his stories from a beautiful afterlife that could be perfect. Even though in his mind, nothing was good enough for his songbird. She deserved more than anyone, yet she died not knowing how much he loved her, wanted her.
"Daryl? That u?" Carols voice snapped him out of his sad daze as he drew in a large hit from the cigarette he held with shaky hands. He quickly wiped his eyes to hide the tears, but she saw them anyways. "Hey you what's wrong?" She sat next to him on the wooden front steps of the large house he shared with Noah. "Nuthn' m'fine" he mumbled, wanting to just be alone. "You can't fool me, pookie. What's up? I can't sleep anyways, was headed to get the ingredients for muffins. Arent you supposed to be happy like the rest of us? Been 6 months now, we're actually living in somewhat normalcy," she nudged her shoulder into his and smiled. "Told you 'm fine," he flicked the used up cigarette into the small bin of sand that had collected quite a few of them already. "Alright grumpy ass... Here if u need to talk. I guess I better get what I need and get back to Ezekial before he realizes I'm not next to him asleep. Try to snooze at least a little, you have bags under your eyes," she winked as he grumbled under his breath.
After sitting in the same spot for hours, he came to a conclusion of just what he needed to do.. He was gonna go back to Grady and try to gain closure. He knew Rick or anyone else for that matter, wouldn't approve. They all felt safer with him there, but he couldn't handle nights like this anymore. It was a long journey, but without knowing and seeing her body, his life was empty and constantly reminding him he should have fought harder to go back when they first left her. Had Sasha not knocked him out cold in order to leave her and escape the horde, she would be buried where he could visit and he could of had closure. So quietly, he packed a bag, left a note with some misdirection to keep anyone from coming to get him, and slipped through a small, hidden exit so no one could see him leave. He knew it was a long shot, but he had to try. "You're gonna miss me so bad when I'm gone, Daryl Dixon." He couldn't get her sweet voice telling him this back at the moonshine shack out of his head. "Girl, that's the understatement of the year," he said aloud, crossing through the thick, dark forest surrounding the community. Even if he didn't make it back, he could die somewhat satisfied knowing he at least tried. Gripping Beth's knife tight, he embarked on his mission- to find, and finally honor his songbird as she deserved.