4 - Pride Means Nothing in the Face of God

"Japan's economy had recently begun to boom, and with this financial success came an overwhelming increase in criminal activity. So, how were you supposed to protect your stuff from thieves? Simple: hire a samurai." The teacher turned to the board and scribbled down a few crude drawings before continuing. "But what's really interesting is how Christianity made its way to our shores. You see…"

"If this lecture doesn't end soon, I think I might commit seppuku..." Suga groaned, leaning back in his chair.

"You're telling me." Daichi pulled up his black uniform jacket before cringing and pushing it back. "Only 3 minutes since I last checked my watch..." Another soft groan echoed from the setter's seat. Suga folded his arms over the top of his desk and rested his head forward like a bird egg in a nest. "Doesn't look like someone's paying attention either..." Daichi muttered.

A glance over Daichi's left shoulder revealed exactly who he was talking about. Directly next to him was a total stranger, but one chair over sat a blank-faced Saika. It was a strange change in their usual seating arrangement. They'd sat the same way ever since the beginning of their second year: Daichi, followed by Saika in the middle, and Suga. Asahi was never smart enough to make it into the advanced classes, a fact they teased him about often. In his defense, Saika wasn't in the advanced classes her first year of high school. She had never put effort into anything besides volleyball, but her father had fixed this fast by saying she'd have to drop from the team unless they saw an improvement in her rather lackluster grades.

Sure enough, by the end of the year, she was top of her class.

Still, ever since Saika had returned from her month-long stay at the hospital, nothing was quite the same. She rarely spoke, hardly ate, and never clued into class. She even purposefully separated herself from them and chosen to sit by the window where she spent her time gazing lackadaisically at the sky. They never knew what she was thinking about, but could probably take a guess.

"Of course, America decided to do something about this. With their huge boats, gunboats, they simply said, 'Open the country. Stop having it be closed." Suga sighed once more, turning his head to look at the inattentive noirette. Her face relayed complete calm, but behind that facade lay a storm beyond compare. He knew it, he had known it ever since that night at the hospital. That was the last time he'd seen Saika show any emotion besides anger. Him, Daichi, Asahi, and the entirety of the girl's team had tried to help make her transition back to school as smooth as possible, but she'd have none of it. Whenever someone did something as small as offer to carry her bag, she'd snap back saying something ridiculous about how they thought of her as weak and incapable of handling anything on her own.

He hated it.

Hated how she was beating herself up over this, hated that volleyball was causing her all of this pain. He wished he could just take it away.

But how could you help her when her pride wouldn't let him share her pain?

"Ms. Takahashi."

The class went silent. Pencils stopped moving and everyone's heads turned towards the unresponsive girl. Suga lifted himself up from his desk.

"Ms. Takahashi? Are you listening?" No response. Saika's eyes narrowed and her hands clenched against the desk.

"Takahashi Saika!" Tiny white particles floated off the piece of chalk being rapped against the board. Saika's eyes shot wide as she rocketed herself up from her seat.

"Y-Yes?!" Some giggles spread through the class, lightly tinting Saika's cheeks.

"I asked what the quadratic formula is." A confused look replaced her one of shock.

"Um, it's negative b plus or minus the square root of b squared minus four a c all over two a."

"That is correct." Suga felt like his head might explode from embarrassment.

"But...Sensei, aren't we in Japanese History?" The giggles cranked up in volume as the reality of the situation finally set in. An amused smile fell across the teacher's face.

"That's right, just making sure you were paying attention." The light tint painting her cheeks deepened as she bowed her head and muttered an apology before taking her seat once more. "Now back to religion..." Despite the lax warning, Saika made no additional effort. Her head turned back towards the window as she let out a quiet sigh.

Just making sure you were paying attention...

Her eyes tentatively closed as she felt herself be enveloped in those words.

"Saika? Are you paying attention?" Yuuka gently draped the bed sheets from the night prior over her right arm. "Saika?"

"Mmm." A quiet hum was her only response. Undeterred, the young nurse carried on with her clean up.

"Like I was saying, the surgery couldn't have gone better! Your father said that you might be out of here in one week's time." She looked up once more, not quite sure what she was expecting. It was all the same. A hardened gaze and features resembling that of a statue. That same bubbly teen she once admired wasn't there anymore. Nothing was left but a hollow shell of what once was. Saika nodded, never moving her eyes from a crack in the floor. Yuuka continued to move across the room, filling the air with small talk and nonsense.

It was a battlefield. She danced across the floor as if avoiding minefields. Every word echoed like gunshots in the air. It had been like this since that night. Suga had called, desperately shouting for help. They rushed her to the emergency room, placed a defibrillator in her heart. Their conversations hadn't moved past simple 'yes' and 'no' answers since.

Yuuka knew it was her fault. Guilt stabbed into her sides every time she stepped foot in that room. Every time she saw that broken-down state, all she could remember was how she had lied. She often wondered if she could have done something differently. With every step sprung a new memory playing over in her mind. Would things be different if she had told her earlier? How would she have reacted if her father had told her instead?

Would she hate Yuuka any less?

Sighing, she folded the final piece of linen onto a nearby chair. "That's all the laundry for today. Now you can rest on clean sheets." Another empty attempt at conversation. "Listen, Saika..."

She retreated to the end of the bed. Ikari Haru, that doctor Saika used to make fun of her for, once told her that patients often felt distanced from their doctors if they stood there. Made them feel less important or like the doctors didn't want to be near them.

"I know these past few weeks have been...difficult for you, and I hope you know how much I care for you. And how glad I am that you're feeling better!" Her hands began to fidget with the sides of her dress. "However, your father and I have decided to hand over my duties to someone else." The sides of the bed fidgeted slightly, signaling a shift in Saika's body. "It must be weird having your primary caretaker leave just a week or two before your discharge, but we think it's for the best." She didn't dare look up. She couldn't take another heartbreaking sight.

"I..." A singular syllable fell out of the girl's mouth. Yuuka waited, wondering if she would say anything more. Minutes passed before the nurse willed herself to look up. All she saw was Saika's hand outstretched. A brush lay in its palm.

"Saika-"

"Will you..." She waved the brush around a couple of times to get her point across.

It was a strange feeling. Any other time you'd probably disregard this as a way to divert the conversation, or that having your hair brushed was a common task, but not for these two. Saika never let anyone touch her hair, ever. Not even her own mother. Yuuka was the first one to coax the girl out of her inhibitions. Neither of them really knew why, but it turned into a sort of silent ritual. They would sit in the silence, letting their actions speak for themselves. It had been a long time since they'd done it.

"...Of course." Yuuka carefully made her way to the right side of Saika's bed and tentatively took the brush from the girl's hands. She began to comb through the girl's hair, effortlessly. It had already been brushed probably only an hour prior. She didn't say anything.

This continued on for some time. Stroke after stroke they sat, not once speaking a word. It was a familiar way for them to say goodbye, even if talking may have been the better option.

Neither of them could see the tears pouring down the other's cheeks.

Neither of them said a word.

"Alright, that'll be it for today. Your homework is to write a two-page report about Japan and Britain's shared fear of Russia and the railroad they began to build through Korea." Saika glanced around, realizing that everyone had begun to collect their belongings and head out for lunch. "Oh, and Takahashi? Come see me before you leave." Their teacher stated calmly as they folded and stacked papers from that day's lecture. Fear gripped her stomach, but she merely nodded.

"Wanna head to the roof? Asahi's probably already there." Daichi asked, swinging his back over his shoulder. "Uhh...Suga? You good?" He was staring daggers at the teacher at the front.

"Don't you think we should wait and see what happens? She might need us." Sighing, Daichi placed his bag back on the ground and put a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Listen, Suga, I know that you mean well, but I don't think Sai's really in a place for us to be prying into her business. She doesn't even like being called 'Sai' anymore cause it means 'talented'. If that's not the mental workings of someone who needs to be alone, I don't know what is-"

"But that's just it, Daichi." Suga interrupted, shifting his gaze to meet the boy's brown eyes. "Those are exactly the reasonings of someone who needs help. She might say she doesn't need us, but I know that deep down she's screaming out for someone to save her. For someone to be there for her." His eyes fell to the floor. "I can't stand by and watch this happen anymore."

Daichi sighed, rubbing the back of his neck as if it would relieve the stress he had built up. It had been like this ever since the hospital incident; the night everything changed he started calling it. Sure, Saika had been crazy depressed and constantly angry, but Suga? He was like a ticking time-bomb just waiting for the right moment to destroy everything. His over-protective nature drove Saika up the wall, and his sensitive attitude wasn't really helping. Every time they'd fight, he'd go off on some huge tangent and end up taking nearly all of their free time to complain about how "Saika's really going to hurt herself" or "Why can't she see I'm just trying to help her?". The only solace Asahi and Daichi could find was with one another, though it's not like they were without worry for their friend.

It was a never-ending cycle of anxiety and shouting, and as much as Daichi loved the ground-breaking tension and squabbling, he couldn't help but wonder if maybe Suga was right this time. Maybe it was time for them to start pushing back, start putting up a fight. And this obvious call-out by their teacher might be the beginning of it all. With one last sigh, Daichi relented and quickly pulled at Suga's uniform jacket.

"Daichi...? What're you-"

"C'mon, follow me." Wordlessly, Suga gathered up his belongings and stumbled after Daichi into the hallway. He followed him down the hall to the other entrance to the classroom, the one closest to the teacher's desk.

"Hey, are we-"

"Shh. Listen." Suga couldn't help a smile as he realized what was happening. Having Daichi's support meant more than he could know. The two quieted their breaths and leaned into the doorway.

Inside, Saika stood, head bowed in front of their teacher. They were examining incredibly marked up papers, marks that cut her to the core.

"Takahashi-chan, you know that you're a great student. You work hard and have undoubtedly earned your place in these advanced classes. However..." The teacher continued to shuffle through paper upon paper. "Ever since your return to school, your grades have been...surprising, to say the least. Not only that, but I've heard from your other teachers that it's not just my class where your focus wanders. Glad to know it's not history that's boring you." Their light-hearted comment only wounded Saika further. She shrunk at the words.

"It doesn't! I'm sorry if that's how it came off." A gentle smile crept onto her teacher's face.

"I can only imagine how hard this has been for you, and we've done our best to accommodate your circumstances, but there is only so much we can do." Their smile slowly began to wash away. "You need to start giving at some point, Takahashi-chan. We both know you're capable of much, much more. Winter finals are coming up soon, and if we do not begin to see improvement before the end of the year, the school will have to consider revoking your placement into next year's advanced classes."

Daichi and Suga shot each other a look. Not necessarily one of surprise, more so of worry for their already-unstable friend. They both had an inkling this would happen soon enough, though they'd always wished it would just magically handle itself.

"Sensei, I-"

"I'm not saying it's for certain, just something you need to think about." The chair screeched against the floor, signaling the end of their conversation. "We are here if you need any help. You're a bright girl, Saika. With your drive, you could accomplish much. Don't let your future slip away because of this setback."

Volleyball is no longer your future. Her teacher's words warped in her head, stinging her with every syllable. She could only nod as they offered one last smile and left the room.

She stood there, unsure of what to do. She was stuck. Stuck without volleyball, stuck without Yuuka. She had lost your bearings. The classroom felt like an endless sea with her stranded in the middle, alone.

The tears against her cheeks stung even more than the falsified words in her head. Weakness. They showed how weak she had become. Her quiet sobs echoed throughout the room as her hands ripped at her face, rubbing as if it'd make the pain go away. "Why...why is this happening?"

Suga and Daichi could only continue to listen. Despite being in similar situations, they felt worlds apart, separated by an open doorway. They felt just as lost and unsure as Saika, but didn't know how to reach her. Each soft sob left them speechless.

"Damn it...what are we going to do?" Suga whispered, balling up his fists. "It's just like at the playoffs...we're powerless." It frustrated Daichi how true those words were, and annoyed him even further that he had been the one to say them.

"We can't just leave it like this. There's gotta be something...anything!" Their brains wracked together in search of an answer. They were so deep in thought, in fact, that they hadn't noticed her walk out of the room.

"Suga? Daichi?" The two looked up to see her tear-stained face. She sniffled a few times and rubbed her eyes against her jacket, desperately trying to erase signs of what had just happened. "What are you doing out here?"

"Ah, Saika! We were just...uh..." Daichi straightened his back and let out a few nervous laughs. "Um..."

"We heard." Suga blurted out, eyes averted towards the ground. Daichi felt his heart drop into his stomach.

"You...what?"

"We wanted to make sure you were okay, so we stayed." He forced himself to look up at her. Were her eyes always that dull? "We heard everything."

Tears threatened to fall once again as his words settled into her system. Just more proof of my weakness. "Yeah, well, it'll be fine. Just have to study really hard for exams I guess."

"Saika, you don't have to lie." Her head snapped up. "You can say it's been hard. You can say this sucks. We won't judge you."

Ever so slowly, her eyes began to harden, leaving behind any vulnerability from before. "Who's to say I'm lying? How would you know what I've been through?" The sudden sharpness in her tone shocked Suga, but he continued on.

"Because we care about you, Saika. We know you. We just want to be there for you."

"Yeah? Well, I don't need your help. Frankly, I don't need you eavesdropping on my personal conversations because you think you're some knight in shining armor." He tensed up as Daichi took a step back. "I'm not a damsel in distress who needs saving. I don't..." Her cold demeanor began to fade as the words got caught in her throat. "I don't need anyone."

"Sai-" Suga held out his hand towards the breaking girl, only to be swat away. Her eyes had betrayed her and she couldn't stop the tears starting to flow.

"Don't call me that. I'm not that person anymore." Without another word, Saika turned on her heels and bolted down the hallway. Suga began to chase after her, only to feel a tug on his wrist.

"I think we've done enough for today," Daichi muttered, pain clear in his expression. "Let's go talk to Asahi." He started towards their usual lunch spot not waiting to hear Suga's response.

"Daichi, wait!" Suga gazed back and forth between where his two friends had left. Saika's words rang in his ears, "You think you're some knight...I'm not a damsel in distress..." Balling up his fists once more, Suga went after Daichi, willing himself not to look back.

The rest of the day passed by in a blur, and before any of them knew it the final bell had rung. Saika's feet carried her out of the school in a flash as if they had a mind of their own. She ignored any passerby, especially those of which she knew. She couldn't handle one more second in that school, a constant reminder of her failures.

By the time she had reached her home her ears were stinging from the cold, winter air. Even the once-familiar wooden structure felt foreign to her as she slid open the front door. Wordlessly, she took off her shoes and attempted to catch her breath from the crazed run home.

"Saika? Is that you?" A soft voice called out from deeper within the house. Usually, that voice would have sent a wave of calm over Saika, but all it did now was hurt her further. Feigning ignorance, she continued her way in and dropped her bag off to the side. None of her siblings were there, most likely participating in their extracurriculars. Her body fell onto the floor with a loud thud as she leaned up against the wall. The sizzling from the kitchen gradually quieted down and a slender woman stepped out with cooking utensils in hand. "Saika? Is everything alright, dear?"

She didn't bother nodding. All she did was continue to stare at the wall across from her. Her mother sighed and placed down whatever she was holding. "Did something happen at school?" No response. "Saika, you have to talk to me if you want me to help.

"...I don't need help." She muttered, balling her fists up against the ground. Despite a change in scenery, nothing had changed. It was the same wherever she went. Another sigh echoed from the woman's mouth.

"Sweetie, please, what happened? Did the teachers scold you? Are the girls on the team giving you a hard time?"

"No, it's nothing. Please leave me alone." It felt like every time she spoke she was hurting those around her. No matter what she said, it never ceased to cause more trouble. She knew better than to hide things from her mother, she was irritatingly compassionate. But what else could be done?

"Honey, you don't have to pretend. We all know how difficult this has been, and how unfair it all is. You're safe, just let it out." Ami attempted to coax the volatile girl into relenting. It irritated her how similar her mother and Suga's words were, but she had to admit it was tempting. She would never admit how much she just wanted to let it all out and finally confide in somebody.

But she couldn't her pride was too great, too powerful to allow her the blessing of such a comfort. All she could do was fight back. Unaware of her actions, Saika slapped away her mother's extending hand just as she had done to Suga and jumped to her feet.

"You don't know anything, you can't begin to know half the pain I'm going through!" Was this the first time she had ever shouted at her mother? "All you do is sit around and indulge in your musical fantasies..." It was. It definitely was. Stop it, stop before it's too late. "Don't ever tell me you understand the pain that volleyball has caused me!"

"Don't ever tell me you understand the pain that volleyball has caused me!"

Her voice rang out in the small home, startling both her and Ami. It was louder than she anticipated it to be. Saika could feel the heat rising in her face, how hard it was becoming to breathe. "I..." She wasn't sure what she would say next, but the world stopped when she saw her mother's face.

Tears. Tears spilled down her usually composed face. The shock of it all sent Saika spiraling. It was the first time she'd seen her mother cry. She caused this. "Mom...I...I'm sorry-" A sob fell out of her mother's mouth as she covered it with her delicate hands.

Without another word, Saika ran out of the room in a frenzy. She slammed the door to her room and jumped onto her bed, unsure of what to do. Her mother's quiet cries echoed through the walls. She gripped her pillow as tight as she could. Maybe if she gripped it hard enough, all of this would go away. The pain she'd caused, the pain she'd been going through, it could all just...

Disappear.

"Why, God, why..." Her whispers came out like a desperate plea as she buried her quickly dampening face into her pillow. "Please...take it away..." Each word fell out in as carelessly as before; her mother's weeping face engraved itself into her psyche. What had she done?

Their cries rang out into frigid, winter air, and neither of them knew if the angels were listening.

Hey there folks!

Thank you so much for your patience, I hope this chapter was worth the wait! My surgery thankfully went well and I'm currently in my third week of recovery. I'll be sure to continue working this summer. You'll be pleased to see the entrance of a certain girl's volleyball team in the next chapter! I'll be releasing bios soon ;)

Checking out for now - Sinclair