Author's Note: Thanks for all the reviews!
Warning: There is some religious stuff in this chapter. Please don't be offended by it; any and all of the opinions belong to me. I'm not trying to disrespect your religion.
Dissonance
Chapter Four: Hinata's Present and Naruto's Past
"There are just some kind of men who—who're so busy worrying about the next world they've never learned to live in this one." (To Kill a Mockingbird; Miss Maudie)
The problem to be faced is: how to combine loyalty to one's own tradition with reverence for different traditions. (Abraham Joshua Heschel)
True religion is real living; living with all one's soul, with all one's goodness and righteousness. (Albert Einstein)
Music isn't just learning notes and playing them, You learn notes to play to the music of your soul. (Katie Greenwood)
Without music, life is a journey through a desert. (Pat Conroy)
Minneapolis, Minnesota
October 8th, 2007
"A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing;
Our helper He, amid the flood of mortal ills prevailing:
For still our ancient foe doth seek to work us woe;
His craft and power are great, and, armed with cruel hate,
On earth is not his equal."
Hinata Hyuuga closed her eyes, letting the sound of the family choir wash over her. The Hyuuga family was full of talent; their personal choir was no exception. Hinata had never heard 'A Might Fortress is Our God' sung so beautifully. Tears prickled at the edge of her eyes. If only she could be like them. Happy to sing the hymns that had been passed down through generations, to keep their faith locked up so tightly in a box that they forgot that there was ever an outside to it.
"Did we in our own strength confide, our striving would be losing;
Were not the right Man on our side, the Man of God's own choosing:
Dost ask who that may be? Christ Jesus, it is He;
Lord Sabaoth, His Name, from age to age the same,
And He must win the battle."
Hinata's family was very strict and very religious. Good Hyuugas despised the newer practices of Christianity; her father had preached to her more than once that the older practices had lasted thousands of years; why should they change them? Hinata wished she felt the same, that she could be the perfect Hyuuga heiress whose only wish was to have exactly two children before dedicating her life to God. She did want to live for God, but not in the way her father wanted her to. She didn't want to live in this tightly controlled world, where faith was more a ritual than a passion.
"And though this world, with devils filled, should threaten to undo us,
We will not fear, for God hath willed His truth to triumph through us:
The Prince of Darkness grim, we tremble not for him;
His rage we can endure, for lo, his doom is sure,
One little word shall fell him."
Hinata loved to sing. It was one of the few things in her life that she enjoyed that her father approved of. She loved God, she loved her faith, and she wanted to sing about her love. But not in the stoic hymns that she'd heard since childhood. She wanted her faith to be passion, she wanted her music to be something that would draw non-believers and bring tears to their eyes. Hymns wouldn't do that.
For years, Hinata had tried to be the good daughter. She had gone to church every Sunday, had sung in her church choir, had practiced and memorized the dull hymns that she disliked so much. But as every year of this duplicity (fakeness) went by, she grew more and more shy, lost more and more of herself. She couldn't do it anymore.
But she didn't know how to break it to her father, to her family. How could she tell them that she was turning her back on all of their teachings, that she was going to become the one thing they hated most? She loved her family, and she didn't want to lose them. But if the choice was between her sense of self and her family, then she would choose herself. Because choosing her family had made her a shell of what she once was, and Hinata was young enough to want to find herself before she lost her spirit completely.
Hinata's eyes opened again, and the tears prickling the edge of them didn't show anywhere. Instead she had a perfectly calm look on her face. She would tell her family. Eventually.
"That word above all earthly powers, no thanks to them, abideth;
The Spirit and the gifts are ours through Him Who with us sideth:
Let goods and kindred go, this mortal life also;
The body they may kill: God's truth abideth still,
His kingdom is forever."
Sorrowful and chaotic, the notes of Tchaikovsky's sixth symphony were perfect for Neji Hyuuga's current mood. Of course, there was no orchestra surrounding him; only the lonely sounds of the piano. But it echoed just as painfully, nonetheless. Good music always sounded wonderful, no matter how many instruments were playing it.
His hands had started cramping sometime around minute seven, but Neji continued gamely on, determined to finish the long song. He needed to finish it. Music was all he had left, now.
When the final notes filled the air, Neji pulled away from the keys with a gasp, as if he was re-surfacing from a deep lake instead of finishing a piano piece. He looked down at the black and white keys shakily, and for a moment he saw a mouth of teeth grinning up at him, waiting to swallow him whole. Neji slammed the cover down immediately, panting as he stared at his reflection in the smooth black.
"That was good," a voice said, distracting him. He turned to see a blond standing in the doorway. Neji frowned; he didn't like people watching his practices, especially not this one, when his mood was far from the usual peace music inspired in him. The blond, undeterred by the Hyuuga's glare, walked into the room. "My name's Naruto Uzumaki, by the way," he said, pulling up a chair that would usually be used for the piano instructor. He sat close to the piano and leaned forward to examine Neji with disconcertingly blue eyes. Their eyes locked in a staring contest. Neji, to his shame, was the first to look away.
"Neji Hyuuga," he said.
Naruto brightened. "Do you have a sister named Hinata?"
"She's my cousin," Neji told him. 'He's in class with Hinata?' he thought privately, eyeing the blond curiously.
"She's really nice," Naruto said. "A little shy, but nice. Do you always play like that?"
Neji blinked at the sudden subject change. "Like what?" he asked warily.
Naruto frowned for a moment. "Like . . . " he waved a hand at the piano, "like you're suffering. Like the piano is a release for your pain." Naruto's eyes were bright in his face as he looked at Neji.
Neji was disturbed by this insight. "How long were you watching me?"
Naruto shrugged. "I managed to see at least the last five minutes. You play very passionately, but also . . . ." he hesitated, "very sad."
Neji closed his eyes. He didn't want to say anything to this strange blond with too perceptive ears and eyes. He could barely acknowledge his faults to himself, let alone a stranger. Naruto seemed to sense this, for he stood and said, "You don't have to tell me anything. But sometimes . . . ." His face took on a strange look, half of which Neji recognized as pain. What the other half was, the Hyuuga couldn't tell. Naruto cleared his throat. "Sometimes it's better to let it all out. And when the pain is bad enough, it doesn't matter if that person is a stranger or close to you." Naruto gave him a hesitant smile. "If you ever want to talk, I'm willing to listen."
Neji watched as Naruto walked out of the room, and suddenly he realized what the other emotion on the younger boy's face had been. Sympathy. He eyed the empty doorway. 'Naruto Uzumaki, hm? Maybe . . . maybe I'll take him up on that offer.'
Jiraiya woke to pounding at his door and rain splattering against his window. He rubbed his eyes, glancing at the digital clock next to his bed – 2:33 A.M. – wondering who the hell was stupid enough to wake him up so early in the middle of a thunderstorm. He considered just ignoring it, but the knocking grew louder with every second. Grumbling, he moved to the front door.
He was surprised to see his next door neighbor, Naruto, standing on the steps, looking worse than a drowned rat with a terrified expression on his face. Immediately, Jiraiya ushered him inside, wondering what had happened to the kid. Naruto wasn't the type to bother him like this for nothing.
"I didn't know where else to go," the blond whispered to him, as Jiraiya settled him at the kitchen table and got some hot chocolate started. "You're the only person I could think of."
Jiraiya hurriedly got some towels and worked on drying the blond off. "What happened?" he asked, rubbing the towel against Naruto's hair. The blond flinched.
"I . . . My . . . ." he seemed at a loss for what to say. Jiraiya sighed.
"Are you hurt?"
Naruto shook his head, but his eyes darted to his wrists. Jiraiya frowned and pulled away the clingy long sleeves the boy always seemed to wear before Naruto could protest. Naruto's flinch went unnoticed when Jiraiya saw the wounds. His vision went red.
Wrapped around Naruto's too thin wrists were two clear handprints, already turning a darkened purple. He could see the beginning of bruises starting along Naruto's arm, and Jiraiya swore under his breath. "Who did this to you?" he demanded to know. Naruto was a sweet kid; Jiraiya liked him, a lot. He was furious that someone would hurt him like that.
Naruto's eyes were huge in his face, and his skin had paled dramatically. Jiraiya hurriedly withdrew his hands. The boy looked ready to faint! "Naruto?" he asked cautiously. The blond closed his eyes.
"I . . . can't . . . ." he said with a gasp, almost as if he was hyperventilating instead of just sitting still. Jiraiya eyed his chest for a moment, making sure that the kid was taking deep, steady breaths, before he turned back to his question.
"Please tell me, Naruto," he said. "I need to know so I can tell the police."
Naruto's eyes got impossibly wider. "T-the police?" he stammered out. "N-no!" He grabbed Jiraiya's sleeve. "Y-you can't t-tell them!"
"Naruto, why not?" Jiraiya was frowning. "Then they can arrest the one who did this to you."
"B-but, he s-said . . . ."
Jiraiya leaned forward. "What?" he said, with more gentlenesss than he'd ever guessed possible in himself. "What did he say?"
Naruto took a deep, shuddering breath. "H-he said t-that I'd b-be the o-one punished n-not him . . . ."
"Naruto," Jiraiya, said growing more concerned with every stuttered word. "Who said that? What's going on? You can tell me."
Naruto was shivering now and Jiraiya couldn't tell if it was because of his rain-soaked clothes or whatever secret he was keeping so close to his heart. "Y-you'll help m-me?" Naruto asked timidly. Jiraiya nodded immediately. "Y-you won't . . . leave?"
"No, Naruto. I won't," he promised, without thinking. Naruto released a shuddering sigh. He looked scared and shaken, and Jiraiya realized just how young Naruto was. The boy couldn't be more than sixteen.
"M-my guardian," Naruto said, as firmly as he could. His violent shiver revealed his real terror. "H-he . . . ." Naruto looked away.
Jiraiya was 58 years old – he knew emotions like rage intimately well. But whatever had made him angry in the past paled next to the fury he was feeling the moment Naruto revealed that he was being hurt by the one person he should have trusted above all else. He drew the boy close, ignoring Naruto's flinch.
"You'll be fine, kiddo," he said. He didn't let go even when Naruto started to sob, his tears staining Jiraiya's neck. "I'll make sure of it."
"Sometimes I feel like I'm just existing
I'm not really living
I'm only watching the time slip away
I've forgotten who I am in you
I'm not who I'm meant to be
I'm drifting farther away from my destiny
Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken you power and take control
Awaken the passion to live for you, Lord
Awaken me
My soul is longing, my heart is searching
I'm desperate for you to move
Give me a hunger, pull me closer
I'm crying out to you
Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken you power and take control
Awaken the passion to live for you, Lord
Awaken me
Open my eyes so I can see your presence
Dwelling inside
Wake me up, 'cause I can't live another minute
If I'm not shining your light
Awaken my heart, Awaken my soul
Awaken the passion inside of me
Lord, awaken me to live my destiny
Lord, awaken me and shine your light through me
Lord, awaken me to live my destiny
Lord, awaken me and shine your light through me."
Hinata was at her most passionate, her voice ringing in the deserted concert hall. She wasn't afraid someone would find her; rather, she hoped someone would. It would give her the boost she needed to tell her family, for someone else to find out and tell them of her "forbidden" activity.
The song she was singing was one her favorites; Natalie Grant always seemed to sum up her feelings for herself and God so easily. Hinata wished she had the same gift. Her feelings were usually so blurry to her; only when she was singing like this did they become clear. But as the song faded, so did the clarity of feeling, and she was left as her usual confused self.
Hinata sighed and stood. She should be getting home. But . . . . She cast a longing glance at the piano, wishing she could just sit down and play the music she loved so much.
"Play something else," a voice commanded, and Hinata turned with a gasp to see the blond boy who'd she'd met some days ago sitting in the middle row of the huge auditorium. (1) She hadn't even noticed him coming in.
"W-what?" she stuttered out, her voice echoing in the large room.
The blond – Hinata thought his name was Naruto – smiled up at her. "You should play more," he said, gesturing to the piano. "You have a very sweet voice."
Hinata blushed. "I-I can't," she said. "I have t-to get home."
The blond nodded and stood. Hinata hesitantly made her way from the stage to his side. Naruto smiled as she approached. "You're Hinata, right? We met a couple days back." Hinata nodded, surprised he remembered her.
"And you're N-Naruto," she murmured. "T-the one who plays p-piano so well."
Naruto's expression darkened slightly, but his smile didn't fade. "Yeah, that's me. So, Hinata, you're Christian?"
"Y-yes," she said. "M-my family is very big on religion." She wasn't sure why she was sharing this with him, but there was something about the blond that drew her in. There was pain etched into the lines of his face, suffering in his eyes, and yet . . . yet, he was smiling with such brightness. Hinata had never seen such contradiction, and it intrigued her. 'Maybe he can understand,' she thought, almost desperately. 'All I want is for someone to understand.'
"Really? That must have been tough to grow up with," Naruto's voice was soft and sympathetic. Hinata had a lump rising in her throat.
"Y-yes," she murmured pitifully. "Y-you have no idea . . . ." she trailed off, feeling tears build in her eyes. Naruto looked alarmed at her sudden sadness.
"Hey, are you alright?" he asked in concern, putting a warm hand on her shoulder. That broke the dam that kept Hinata's tears at bay, and suddenly she was sobbing. Naruto looked panicked. "I'm – hey, what is it? What's wrong?"
"M-my f-family i-is v-very s-strict . . . ." she managed to tell him through tears. "T-they d-don't like m-modern C-Christian p-practices. B-but a-all I-I w-want t-to d-do i-is s-sing l-like N-Natalie G-Grant. I-I d-don't w-want t-to become a n-nun, I d-don't want t-to sing h-hymns all d-day . . . ." her voice broke.
Naruto's hand was a warm, comforting weight on her shoulder. "Your family won't like it if you sing Christian rock?" he asked, sounding confused and sympathetic at the same time.
"T-they're so s-strict!" Hinata wailed. "I-I just w-want to s-sing to G-God! W-what's wrong w-with that?!"
"Nothing, Hinata, nothing," Naruto soothed her, drawing her into an awkward half-hug. Hinata cried on his shoulder for quite a while in silence before she managed to calm down and pull away. She dabbed at her eyes, feeling embarrassed from her sudden outburst. 'He must think I'm a baby,' she thought miserably. 'To cry over something like this. I'm probably just over-dramatizing it, and it really isn't as bad as I think it is . . . .'
"Hinata," Naruto said, drawing her out of her thoughts. "If your family is so close-minded that they can't accept the beauty of music - any music – then you have a choice to make. It's either the people you love, or the thing you love to do."
Hinata was startled. Naruto had just summed up the thoughts she'd been having yesterday in the family church neatly. "I know," she told him miserably. "But they're my family. I love them. And I know they'll hate me for this."
Naruto gave her a direct stare. "Hinata, they're your family, but you can't diminish yourself for them. You have a wonderful voice, you have a passion for God. You have something you want to do, and they don't have the right to stop you. If they try to, then they aren't true family."
Hinata winced. She knew that she would probably end up losing the support of her family, but even to think of being cut off was painful. Despite his strict tendencies, her father was a kind, gentle man. She loved her little sister, her cousins, her aunts and uncles. They would hate her for doing what she loved, as they hated all singers of "Christian rock".
"I've already made my choice," Hinata whispered. "But I don't want to let go."
"Sometimes you have to, Hinata," Naruto told her, his blue eyes full of sympathy. "Sometimes it's better to let go."
"I know," she said, feeling a heavy weight lean on her heart. "I know." (2)
Minato Namikaze was surprised when he opened his door to see his old teacher and colleague standing on his doorstep. "Jiraiya!" he exclaimed, standing aside to let the older man inside. "It's good to see you! What are you doing here?"
Jiraiya smirked as he stomped into the living room. "I just wanted to thank you for taking care of my charge the other day." When Minato just gave him a blank stare, clearly not understanding what he was talking about, Jiraiya sighed. "Naruto, idiot boy! I wanted to thank you for making sure he was alright."
"Naruto is your charge?!" Minato asked incredulously. "I had no idea!" His eyes turned mischievous. "I wonder how the kid managed to turn out as well as he did."
Jiraiya's eyes turned serious instead of joking. "Sometimes, so do I," he said quietly. Minato's lightheartedness died when he saw the look in his colleague's eyes.
"Okay, insert foot in mouth," he muttered, gesturing for Jiraiya to take a seat. "What did I say?"
Jiraiya shook his head. "Nothing, Minato. It's just that that kid . . . ." Jiraiya paused, hesitant, and then shook his head again. "That kid's been through so damn much it's a miracle that he turned out as well as he did."
Minato frowned as he took a seat across from Jiraiya. "Is there a story you're willing to tell, or are you just going to leave me with the cryptic answer?"
Jiraiya smiled slightly. "I'll tell you about Naruto. Usually, I would keep my mouth zipped and let the kid spill his guys himself, but you could do something good for him, Minato, and you need to know the whole story."
Minato was puzzled by the 'do something good for him' part of the sentence, but he let it go, for now. Later, he'd interrogate Jiraiya on what exactly he meant by that. He settled back into his chair. "Alright; what happened?"
Jiraiya took a deep breath. "Two years ago, someone moved in next door to me. Two someone's, actually. Naruto and his . . . ex-guardian," Jiraiya's voice was filled with loathing. "I didn't like Kyuubi – that was Naruto's guardian – but Naruto was something else." Jiraiya's voice turned affectionate. "He was the most curious kid I've ever met – he was always asking me about this or that, especially when he found out I taught Lit. Kid's completely useless when it comes to books – he was always asking for my help with the the English "homework" he got when he was home-schooled."
"But Naruto; he was a strange kid too, you know? One moment he was bright and curious and happy, and the next he'd withdrawn into himself. At first, I thought it was just teenagers being teenagers. But I noticed things as time went by. How Naruto flinched when I touched him. How he never played music for me, even after I found out he could play. How nervous he was around Kyuubi, whenever I saw the two together."
"One night, Naruto came to my house early in the morning. He was shaking and terrified, and there were bruises on his arms. I made him confess that his guardian abused him." Jiraiya's voice was shaking now, and Minato was full of shock. He couldn't fathom that Naruto, of all people, had been abused. The kid was so full of life; it was unthinkable that he'd been hurt like that. "He told me the details later, when he trusted me more. Even now, I don't think I know everything."
"Kyuubi adopted Naruto when he was nine, about a year after his mother died." Minato's heart stopped at that, but Jiraiya didn't notice his panic and continued with his story. "He was fascinated with Naruto's talent with music – how effortlessly it came to him, how he could play anything after hearing it once, how his compositions were so complex for such a little child. Naruto said that Kyuubi . . . Kyuubi made him play for him for entertainment. He got drunk a lot of the time, and he beat Naruto after he was done playing the selected music for the night, cursing his gift for music and telling him how worthless he was." Jiraiya was full of righteous anger, and Minato was right there with him. 'God, that poor kid,' he thought. To be hurt for such a wonderful talent, to be told that you're worthless even with such a gift . . . it was the worst kind of punishment.
"Naruto probably would've stayed there too; it's the kind of kid he is. He picks up after himself; he never would talk about his problems." Jiraiya's voice was a muddle of pride and sadness. "Except that one night, Kyuubi started talking about doing . . . sexual things with Naruto. He panicked, I guess; fled to my house the same night after Kyuubi went to bed. There's a lot of things that boy can take, but that kind of abuse wasn't one of them."
"God," Minato said, a sick feeling rising in his stomach.
Jiraiya spared him a sympathetic smile. "I know. I called the cops, and we managed to get Kyuubi in jail. Naruto's my charge now – he has been for the past year. He's been recuperating, getting back on his feet, so to speak. But even now, he doesn't like to play for people. He's terrified of being beaten again. I thought Konoha would help him with that; I want him to heal. I want him to move past this."
Minato stood and went to Jiraiya's side. The older man looked upset – almost on the verge of tears. Minato hadn't seen him like this, ever. The blond put a hand on his shoulder. "I'll watch out for him," he said, and the promise sounded hollow in his ears, but Jiraiya was smiling.
"I know you will," he said. "And I'm holding you to that. Naruto's going to need all the help he can get."
Neji eyed the door in front of him thoughtfully. He wasn't sure why he was doing this, and that was the thing that bothered him the most. Neji wasn't the type to be spontaneous; he lived by a rigorous code that spelled out exactly what he was supposed to do. He had rules, he had plans, and he had the comfort of predictability. But, all that had flown out of the window and that led him to where he was; standing at the steps of Naruto Uzumaki's home, staring at the doorbell as if it held the answers to all of his problems.
Neji sighed. He couldn't back out now. Hesitantly, he pressed the small white button, wincing as the bell rang inside. He shuffled uncomfortably, waiting for someone to open the door. He was surprised when the door finally did open to reveal his English teacher, Jiraiya Sannin.
"Mr. Sannin," Neji said, never one to show his surprise. "I'm here to see . . . Naruto?" he let the barest hint of a question hang on the edge of that sentence. Jiraiya looked surprised, but not that surprised.
"Of course you're here to see him," the old man said in resignation. He waved Neji in. "He's in the Living Room. Tell him I'm going out for the day; whatever heart-to-heart you too have, I don't want to hear it." Jiraiya grabbed his coat and hurried out the door, leaving Neji behind to blink at the man's back in bemusement.
Neji shrugged and turned to find his way into the living room. Naruto's house was, thankfully, small enough that he didn't get turned around too many times. He was surprised to find Naruto sitting in the middle of the living room floor, not doing anything. The blond's eyes were closed, and he had a peaceful look on his face.
"Uzumaki?" Neji asked, unsure about how to address this strange boy. Naruto's eyes shot open.
"Neji!" he exclaimed, hurrying to his feet. "What are you doing here?! How did you even get here?!"
Neji smirked, relaxing when Naruto didn't push him away. "I asked Headmaster Sarutobi where you lived," he told Naruto blandly. "And . . . I wanted to take you up on your offer," he added, a little more hesitantly. Naruto instantly sobered.
"We can talk in here," he said, gesturing to the couches behind him. Neji thankfully sank into a cushion, Naruto next to him and watching with solemn blue eyes. "What's troubling you, Neji?"
Neji took a deep breath, wondering if he really wanted to do this. To reveal this part of himself. But, looking into Naruto's bright eyes, he couldn't help but feel this was the right thing to do. So he opened his mouth and began.
Author's Note: Betcha all hate me now, huh? Don't worry; Neji's story will be in the next chapter, first thing. I'm sorry I didn't get the Uchiha's in – next chapter, I promise! And anyone who can guess Neji's dilemma get's an invisible cookie! Please leave a review!
(1) Naruto sure does like to spy on people, doesn't he? XD Just in case anyone is wondering, Naruto goes home with Jiraiya now, so he has a lot of time to wander around the school. Thus, all of his accidental sightings.
(2) To anyone who thinks that Hinata's worries are lame – think of it this way. Her family is everything to her, and Hinata still has the same personality she does in canon; quiet, shy, almost submissive in a way. For her to go against her parents and family is a big step, and she isn't sure she wants to do it. Her family hates the "new" Christianity, and she's sure they'll shun her. It isn't a fun thought for someone so dependant on her family to support her that they'll shun her for something she loves to do.
Songs Used in This Chapter (in chronological order): A Might Fortress is Our God (Christian hymn), Symphony no. 6 (Tchaikovsky), Awaken (Natalie Grant).