"Bones…"
I stiffened when I heard my name come from his lips. Surely I must be imagining this. He couldn't be here. He couldn't be standing behind me, actually caring about me.
No, I told myself. He's not here. I didn't just hear my name said in a loving, torn way, not in his voice. I didn't hear him. He can't be here. He's with Hannah. He's with Hannah. He's with Hannah. He's with Hannah.
But even I didn't believe myself, so of course, I had to turn around and look. I just had to see for myself that I was going crazy.
I wasn't.
There he was, standing in my doorway, a dark shadow because of the lack of light in the lab. But I knew it was him. It couldn't have been anyone else. For a moment, I couldn't move. I couldn't even form a coherent thought as I stood there, just drinking in the sight of him.
"Bones…" he said again. He took a step through the door, and I could finally see his face. Oh, how I'd missed that face. Taking a closer look, I found that he looked terrible. Something was wrong. At first, I couldn't figure it out. Then, I realized from the way he was looking at me and the way he'd said my name, the he must've heard my little rant.
Upon realizing this, a million emotions coursed through me. First I felt anger, then embarrassment, and finally guilt. It was most likely my fault that he looked like this.
"Booth…" I felt myself choke on his name, but I knew I couldn't stop. I put on a bright smile that I couldn't quite make reach my eyes. "What, um, what are you…doing here?" I hated that I couldn't ask a simple question without stuttering.
"Bones…" he said yet again, taking another step closer to me. I finally felt myself snap.
"Please," I felt myself whimper, and I lowered my head to avoid looking at him. I hated being this—whatever it was that I'd become. "Please say something other than that…that name. Please."
"Bo—" he began, then stopped himself. I looked up at him again and saw that he had tears in his eyes. That did it for me. No matter the cost to myself, I had to do this for him, because he deserved it.
"Listen Booth," I began. I knew my voice sounded cold and detached, like I was at a crime scene, but it was the best that I could muster if I wasn't going to fall apart in his arms. I no longer had that right. "I'm sorry for whatever it is that you heard. I didn't mean to burden you with my regrets. You have the life that you've always wanted and I don't want to mess that up for you. Hannah is great! She really is, and you l-love her." I choked on the work, but kept going. "I know that you care for me, but I lost my chance. I don't deserve another one."
"Bones," he began, but I held up my hand to stop him.
"I'm not worth it, Booth. Goodnight."
As I turned away, I really hoped that this wasn't the last conversation we ever had.