The Day it broke

Some other friends from Will had also arrived for the night, and playing video-games had become a long session of drinking, laughing and teasing one another. Gilli and Cedric worked with Will in the shop; and while Merlin wasn't close to them, he knew them well enough to make sure that the night was in a light, friendly mood. It was exactly what he needed after the continuous stress of the last few days; he was used to Morgana's extreme mood swings under pressure, but that didn't mean he didn't benefit from staying away – and the last two weeks had been particularly terrible when it came to changes in behavior.

It was past midnight by the time that Gilli pulled him apart from the others.

"I've got to ask you something" he said, looking serious.

"Yeah?" replied Merlin, a bit confused.

"When you split up with your first wife – sorry, I can't remember her name…"

"Mithian" he supplied, wondering where this was heading.

"Am I right to think there was no one else?"

Merlin looked, actually looked at Gilli for the first time in the whole night. He was transpiring, but there was something steely underneath his gaze.

"No, there was no one else" he said, carefully.

"So, you just knew you had to leave?"

Merlin nodded; it hadn't been easy, but he never regretted it; it had been the best thing he could have done for both of them and for Kara. An unhappy marriage would only lead to a unhappy family.

"Pretty much."

"You see, that's how I feel" Gilli said, looking relieved. "I just got to get rid of her!"

"That bad?" Merlin asked, curious.

"You have no idea" he muttered, and clapped Merin's back. "Thanks."

"Anytime?"

It was just a small conversation, and yet, the amount of memories that it brought was enough to make Merlin feel nostalgic. There hadn't been anyone in special when he broke up with Mithian, but there had been a burning wish for someone else, someone new, something new and filled him with a sense of anticipation that made it hard to bear the many burdens of married life. In the end, it had made him so miserable that it had been easy to walk away.

And soon enough, there had been someone else, someone who swapped him off his feet with a swish of hair and a wink. After years with the same person, it had been exhilarating to find himself being desired by someone else; to find himself the object of the moves of someone still so powerfully young and free. Gwaine had charmed him, teased him, stripped him and made him remember why he could never, ever, call himself a straight man. Just the memory of his hands were enough to make his blood flow once more; hot and hard, filling him up and making him feel ashamed of his thoughts when he belonged to someone else.

Things had ended very naturally with Gwaine, just as they had started. He was not the kind of guy that dealt well with relationships, and after some thrilling and breath-taking moments, they had fallen easily into a friendship and nothing else. Gwaine understood him; he was just there, and it was more important to have such a friend than having some, admittedly mind-blowing, sex.

Lance had come along soon afterwards; a steady and loyal friend. He had been Gwaine's roommate in college, and they still had a good friendship going. And, on the following year, Morgana had stridden right inside his studio, demanding him to take pictures of her little girl. Enmyria had looked like a fairy-tale princess, all golden hair and pale skin; the same decided nose that her mother had and the same bright green eyes. It had been easy to capture the fierce rebellion and the conventional pretty that mixed up in the child's face. It had been a work of passion – a deep analysis of the two of them and of their relationship that shone through the camera even if Morgana wasn't in most of shots.

He couldn't really explain how everything had happened from there – it just did. Morgana had decided that she wanted him, and she always got what she wanted. She had called, and she showed up, and positively scared him with her fierce behavior, but it had been her face when she first saw the result of Em's photo shoot that had convinced him to go out with here – there was something there, something vulnerable and scared underneath all the steel she liked to show the world. That had been what captured him, and he captured it many times afterwards, with his camera, the deep paradox that was Morgana.

All this thinking made him long for her, her arms and her fire, and with a few words and short goodbyes he took his leave of his friends, running towards the woman he loved.

The house was eerily silent when he arrived. Merlin hoped over the steps, two at a time, and walked inside the bedroom to find Morgana writing in her journal.

"I thought you had stopped that."

"I'm nervous" she said, her hand moving furiously. "This test and… Other things."

"Did you see something?" Merlin asked, worried. Morgana's visions sometimes brought them an important foreknowledge, and sometimes they just got in the way. She had learned to control them well enough, but in stressful times they would come up again, completely untamed.

"Yes" she was clearly tense, still writing. "Em… She was angry and confused."

"That sounds to me like a perfect teenager behavior" he offered, trying to ease her.

"Not like that" Morgana declared, putting down her journal. "She was running away."

Merlin snorted.

"Well, they do that sometimes. It isn't… She wouldn't stay away."

"She did" his wife said, her voice small. "She wanted… Her father."

Merlin didn't say anything for a while, taking out his trainers and trousers.

"Yes" he agreed, sitting down. "That isn't unexpected. She doesn't know him, it's natural that…"

"You're the only father she has ever known and the only one that she needs" Morgana's voice was harsh now, as it often turned when something scared her.

"Yet, I'm not her father – as she's happy to remind me the subject comes up."

"Has she done that again? I swear…"

"She didn't say anything" Merlin calmed her down. "It's just… Maybe she just needs to know. Didn't you feel it? The need to know who your parents were? You tried to find them too."

"It's different" Morgana said, shaking her head. "I had to know why they left me. It's not…"

"If you looked for them so much, how can you deny that to her?" reasoned the man. "Maybe you should talk to her - you own her that."

"I do not!" the woman was incensed, the words rushing out of her mouth in an angry flow. "She's mine – my own. I carried her alone. I had her alone. I raised her alone. She doesn't need her father, she doesn't need anyone else! She had everything she needs right here! She's better get used to it."

"As you got used to it?" his voice was soft and sad. It was a sore point that even after all those years, he also knew nothing about Enmyria's father. "Really, is that what you want, Morgana? You ran away – you ran away in searching for them – you shut everyone out and kept your silence. You had everything you need – all the love you could ask from Gaius and Alice – and still you ran away."

"Which was very ungrateful of me" she said, a bit calmer. "And I don't think Em should do it – she won't do it."

Merlin laughed at that.

"Now I'm sure you're crazy. You never, ever say you're wrong ."

"I do too!" replied the woman, offended.

"So you should admit that you're wrong and talk to her."

"I won't, never" Morgana turned to him, her hair flying as a whip in the agitation of her body. "And if you ever…"

"What would I tell her?" Merlin asked, bewildered. "I know nothing about the case. You showed up in my doorstep already with a child. And I've always respected your wish not to tell me."

"Maybe this is the reason I never told you – you won't be able to tell her either."

Merlin could only stare.

"That doesn't even make any sense. What do you think I'd do? Take her with me in a trip to meet her father behind your back?"

"You can't meet him" Morgana said, her eyes wild. "I don't want you to. Not ever. So I'll never say anything, and you'll never meet and… Even if something happens to me, you'll never be able to tell her."

"Nothing will happen, Morgana" he said, tired of her temper and getting under the covers.

She gave him a small, sad smile.

"Yes. Nothing I see ever happens. We'll live happily forever and have a house full of grandchildren, and we will live quietly the rest of our lives because nothing ever happens. Nothing ever happens. And this is how I like it."

With those words, Morgana turned off the light and lay down in bed, as far from her husband as possible, curled on herself.

This was not how Merlin had wanted the evening to end.

The following morning started with a chill in the house. Weekdays were always a mess; as it was bound to be when you had three bathrooms for seven people. They were all running against the clock. Freya was the only one that was ready before her time, for the boys and Em were having a hard time with their possessions – under Morgana's constant reminder that they should have done it the previous day while she played hopscotch with Freya in the backyard.

Merlin was fighting (and loosing) to fit everything he needed for the early afternoon photo shoots in the back of the car – it was just as well that Em had compromised with taking the bus to school, for he wouldn't have space for everything if he had to use the extra seats. He saw the girl coming out to wish Morgana good luck on her test as he picked the last few items from the shed.

He managed to get everything ready just in the nick of time, shouting for the boys to come and take their seats. Morgana showed up, and she seemed to be more composed than on the previous day.

"You'll have to pick them up, ok?" she said, looking at him. "I can't be sure if I'll be done by the time they're supposed to leave the school."

"I know" Merlin replied, tiredly. "Are you taking the bus?"

"I'll take the Fireblade" there was a small smile in her mouth. "I miss being a bad girl in a motorcycle instead of a tired mom, and I'll need to drop by my mother before the test; I'll never be back in time if I take the bus."

"Ok" he said, smiling back at her. "Good luck, love."

He gave her a small kiss and got inside the car, ready for the day.

It was a perfectly ordinary day - Merlin had a long meeting during the morning with a few employees of the nearby museum as they talked over a new set of pictures they'd use for their new folder and before lunch break he and Kara went over to put up the decoration for the early afternoon photoshoot. The mother had decided that she'd take pictures of her twin children as if they had just came out of eggs, in yellow chick costumes against a background of flowers and fences to accompany the broken egg shells. Merlin knew from his own experience that this was the perfect nightmare, and that it was hard enough to make one baby to look at the camera, let alone two. The twins were eleven months old and the pictures were meant to be used in their first birthday party.

Kara was particularly distracted, giggling to herself as she texted non-stop on the phone, and that lead her to drop the flowers and fences twice as she lowered the blue background; Merlin took a deep breath to calm himself for he felt like yelling at her. It would lead nowhere, and he better set up the camera already for after children came, it became a hard thing to do.

They grabbed a bite on the other side of the street, some truly awful kebabs - Merlin didn't even like kebabs, but it was everything he would have time for and as they crossed the street back he saw the parents parking their car.

The kids were naturally agitated by the time they had been fitted inside the costumes, and Merlin caught a few finger puppets to try and catch their attention. They all had rattles in their tiny heads that rang as he moved his fingers, creating an imaginary story. He could see his oldest daughter smiling softly at him - he had used them with her quite a lot, and would sometimes tell Kay stories with them. One of the babies stopped and looked right at him, awed, and Merlin moved the other hand, ready to shoot as soon as the second baby looked his way.

Time seemed to stand still for a second, the temperature around him falling a few degrees as he felt goosebumps in his skin and heard Morgana's voice as if in a soft whisper.

"I love you."

"I love you too" he answered, both inside and out, completely dazed. It was very unlike Morgana to resort to such desperate measures, she had never been good with this kind of conversation, although Mordred was particularly gifted at it. Maybe she was about to get into her exam and didn't want to go inside nursing whatever odd feelings she had about him since the previous night.

He gave a soft smile to himself - it didn't matter. They would solve it, whatever she had seen, as soon as they could, and it would be fine. They would talk tonight, and with more patient, they'd set it right. It was going to be fine - they had all the time in the world.

They'd have time to apologize, to make up, and to make things right. They'd have all night, as she had already said she would ask Morgause to pick the children up, and even if that failed, they'd still have many days, months, and years of their lives to remember each other of their love, that domestic quarrels were inevitable, but no reason to give up.

"Dad!" Kara's voice rang through the air, and he finally noticed that the time was rolling naturally again as he clicked the camera, a second before one of the kids fell to the side with a cry. As everything rushed back into place, he pressed the button, only to be rewarded with a loud click and the smell of smoke indicating that the camera had given up in his hands, fusing after the contact with such a large amount of magic.

Merlin looked at the two toddlers crying and the parents that failed to keep them quiet long enough for a good shot. He sighed.

"Let's take a break", he said, gesturing to them. "I'll have to change cameras anyway."

There was a grateful nod from the mother as she pick up one of the children, relieved as if the whole thing hadn't been her idea in the first place.

Merlin felt a void in the place Morgana's presence had made itself felt – as he always did after such rare contacts – but stronger than usual, as if their recent arguments had made him miss her more.

Well, he would make sure to show her exactly how much he loved and cherish her later.

He stepped away under his daughter confused gaze, but she soon followed him to the deposit room.

"What is up?"

"Please pick up your siblings at school."

He'd make it well enough, everything would be fine.

Merlin was finishing up the last of his material when the office's landline rang. He generally wouldn't answer it that late, but a quick look showed him that it was Kara's number. He picked up the phone at the same time that he checked his cell phone – it was dead.

"Hello?"

"Dad?" her voice was brisk, and there was a strange subdued noise in the back.

"What happened?" he asked, alarmed.

"There has been an accident" she said, and he felt his heart racing at the same time his vision tunneled. "I just dropped the kids at St. Mary's and I'm about to pick up Em."

"What accident? What happened?"

"They wouldn't say" he heard the car opening up. "I'm not family – they're kids, so…"

"Morgana?" he asked, at the same time a bit relieved that the children were fine and even more worried after her earlier whisper. "Did you leave them alone in the hospital?!"

"Gwen's there" Kara's voice was carefully controlled, and he could almost see her getting the car started. "Mom is going over as well. I'm picking up Em, and I'll meet you there. Be careful."

The line went dead, and he dropped the phone as fast as he could, picking up the keys and not even bothering to check anything other than the locks. Morgana was in a hospital, and that was at the same time worrying and incredibly dangerous. Who knew how her magic would react to random probing? It often became wild when the user was out of conscience – the last thing he wanted was for them to be discovered. And yet, if it saved her life… Merlin wouldn't mind one bit to lose a few rights if it meant that Morgana was alive, but what would that mean for the children?

He tried to remember Kara's words and to be careful – they certainly didn't need another accident, but he also felt anxious and kept on pushing himself to get there. Every red light was a torment, and he found himself wishing that they could to like wizards in Harry Potter and apparate.

Merlin found Gwen and the boys in the main waiting room of St. Mary's, Freya was somewhat asleep in Gwen's arms, their faces marked by tears. It was easy to see that Tristan had been crying, but Mordred seemed to have taken a leaf out of his eldest sister's book and was keeping control over himself. It worried him more than the other's tears, or than Kara's composed voice – as much as she loved Morgana, it wasn't her mom. From all the children, Mordred had always been the closest to their mother, they shared a deep bond.

"What happened?" he shot at Gwen as soon as he reached them.

The woman shook her head, at a loss for words. Tristan seemed lost, and Freya woke up blinking to his voice. It was Mordred who actually spoke.

"She was coming down a street and she was hit by a police car that crossed the red light" he said, serious. "They won't tell us anything else – we've been waiting for you."

Merlin shook his head, trying to wrap his head around the information given by his son in dead tones. Mordred's blue eyes stared at him seriously.

"I can't feel her" he said to his father's head, as a big bell singing a mournful song.

"She may be unconscious" Merlin replied in a whisper, which led Mordred to let out something between a snort and a sob and shake his head, looking away. "I must speak to the doctor".

He didn't wait for a reply before going to the reception desk and talking to the girl. Even as he came back, they stood silently, and Mordred kept on looking away, watching the movement of other families as they heard good and bad news.

It seemed an eternity before anything happened, but it could have only been a couple minutes until Mithian came about, shooting questions left and right, soon followed by Em, leaning on Kara, her eyes red and questioning. It was another quarter of hour before a young man in light blue scrubs walked towards them.

"Mr. Emrys?" he asked, looking at Merlin, his green eyes full of compassion, and he knew it before he said it. It was in his eyes, in his breath, in his essence. He took a step back, breathless, and Gwen caught him, steadying him. The man's eyes got even softer, and Merlin felt as if his graciousness would strangle the life out of him as well. "We did everything we could" he said, his expression sad.

"When?" he heard himself asking, and the doctor shook his head.

"She was pretty much gone when she arrived."

There was more, a number of words and tales, as Mithian asked him questions and Em cried loudly in Kara's arms. Gwen kept holding Merlin, but he couldn't listen, he couldn't understand, because it didn't make any sense. It was meant to be their happy ending, their big family and their complicated relationship. It was meant to be it – but now Morgana was gone.

He could feel the air vibrating with Mordred's rage, he could feel the grief that seemed to swallow Enmyria and he feared that they'd let it loose, but somehow they kept themselves locked up. It was too much, too much for him to understand and accept.

Nothing made sense anymore.

Sometime later, Gaius and Alice arrived; as did Morgause and Cendred. They had been moved up to a room, since they had found best for Merlin to take some pills to control his emotions. He hated them – it made him feel completely out of himself, out of contact with reality, and dulled his magic as well.

It felt odd to feel that calm as everyone around cried. Even Morgause's make up was blotched, and even through the pills he could feel the hectic energy of her magic and its murderous intent. Still, Alice managed to keep them all in reins, with her smooth touch that shone even through her grief.

When Dr. Muirden finally felt that he was well enough to be taken to his wife's corpse, it didn't feel as real as before. Morgana was lying, most of her body covered, but someone had taken the pains to clean her face from blood and dirty. Her hair was down, falling like onyx curls through her neck and shoulders, covering the worst of the upper injuries, but it was her face that was the worst. She seemed peaceful – as if she was quietly sleeping, snowy-white skin and dark hair. For wild moment, he wondered if she would wake if he kissed her. True love's kiss had been enough for many women in fairy tales, and she looked like a hidden princess now more than ever. He knew it to be madness even as he lowered himself and touched her lips with his, but Morgana didn't stir.

She would never kiss him back, not anymore.

The thought brought fresh tears to his eyes, and Alice wrapped her arms around him as Gaius made a blessing sign over her brow. Dr. Muirden nodded to them, firmly.

"Did she have any previous made arrangements in the case of death? Funeral homes, or…?" he asked, seriously. Merlin felt a punch in his gut, and could have hit the man – but, of course, it was his job. He had never worried about such things; he didn't even know where to begin.

"We already set everything up" said his mother-in-law, her voice full of emotion, and he loved her more for it. "They'll probably pick her up later tonight or early in the morning."

The doctor nodded, and Gaius clasped his hand, firmly.

"I appreciate everything you did, young man" he said, shaking the man's hand. "And, of course, for keeping quiet over…"

Gaius made a vague but unmistakable gesture, and the man gave them a small smile.

"We're kin" he said, with a stiff nod. "I am glad myself that she didn't end up in the hands of a… another doctor" he finished. "If you excuse me…"

Soon enough a nurse came to take them back to their room, where they'd pick their things up and go home – but it would never be a true home, not anymore, not without Morgana. Everything about it might stand in the exactly same place, and yet, it was shattered – forever broken and beyond repair.

They'd have to make do with ruins now.