Chapter Four
12 Years ago
The summer sun blistered on my skin, turning it methodically from pale white to light pink as Jake's decrepit pickup truck hurtled down the highway bound for the beach. The Who's Baba O'Riley screaming out of the radio, me singing along at the top of my lungs. I'd long ago learned to love Jake's eclectic taste in music. One day it was The Who, the next it was The Verve.
Beside me, Jake laughed, his fingers reaching across the cracked leather seat seeking mine. I slid my hand into his, our fingers winding together; a mismatched blend of light and tan, yin and yang.
Sighing happily, I stared out the window as an ancient gold Parisienne cruised past us, Alice gripping the steering wheel, appearing smaller than she was. As the car whizzed past, a male voice shouted. I turned my head; a set of pasty butt cheeks filled the back driver's side window.
"Ew," I groaned, turning away.
Jake released my hand, reaching for the radio dial and turning it. Static screeched out of the speakers as he searched for a different song. Landing on a popular station he stopped, listened for a moment, then sent the knob rolling again.
Classic rock, Van Halen, I think, spilled out of the speakers. Satisfied with the song, he gripped the steering wheel, his long fingers tapping along to the kick drum.
I sighed happily and leaned back into the seat, closing my eyes. There were only two days left of school, one more year, and then we were free. Turning my head to my left, I opened my eyes, squinting against the sun and stared at the boy beside me.
I wondered if he knew how happy I was. Jake and I had our ups and downs over the last two years that much was for sure. The summer following our sophomore year he asked me out; I told him no, so he started dating a girl in my theater class. They broke up before the summer ended and in the fall he asked me out again. Once more, I said no. We were really good friends who were super attracted to each other, but I saw how he was with girls. He went through them like a cheerleading squad went through tampons; constantly with a new girl almost every month and I didn't want to be a name on his list. I wanted to be the only name on that file, the only one he would ever want.
That hadn't happened yet which drove me crazy. I wanted him; he wanted me, what was the problem? I had no idea but moments like these ones, where he'd reach for my hand when we were alone, drove me crazy. Jake was one person in public and someone else entirely in private.
Just like now, holding my hand in the privacy of his truck but the second we joined our friends he would go back to treating me with indifference.
It hurt like hell when he did that, but what could I do about it besides stop putting myself in those situations?
I sighed loving and hating the way he made my body feel on fire, drowning me in the blaze that was intent on devouring me, consuming me. A scorching inferno intent on destroying me.
"You okay?" Jake questioned.
I nodded wordlessly as I stared at his profile, tamping down the urge to scoot across the seat and lay my head on his shoulder. "Just tired of being in the car," I told him.
"We're almost there," he replied. "I can see the ocean from here."
I gazed out the window searching for the sapphire glint of the ocean. Catching a hint of salt air, I inhaled deeply, letting it fill my lungs.
Five minutes later we rolled down the main road. Spotting Alice's car, Jake signaled and pulled into the space beside it. I leaned down to grab my bag as Jake's truck shuttered off, clicked and hissed a few times before becoming silent.
Hopping out of the cab, I didn't bother waiting for him, and took off for the ocean. The sand was scalding beneath my feet as I scanned the shore for Alice and the rest of our friends.
Spotting them set up near the shoreline, I hightailed it down the beach, passing locals and tourists alike. Skidding to a stop, I collapsed breathlessly onto Alice's towel.
"Took you long enough," she gripped. "What did you two do, take a detour and finally work out some of that sexual tension that seems to follow you around?"
Elbowing her in the ribs, I frowned at her. "No," I hissed. "You know he drives like my grandpa. Either that or you drive like you're trying to qualify for the Indy 500."
Alice grinned cattily. "You know I want to be a race car driver when I grow up."
I rolled my eyes and turned toward my bag, pulling out my own towel, setting it up beside hers. Kicking off my sandals, I pulled my t-shirt off and lay down beside her. Covering my eyes, I said, "Can you believe we're going to be seniors next year?"
"It's insane, right?"
"It is," I agreed. Rolling to my side, I smiled at her. "We should make this the best summer of our lives. Then totally out-do it next year."
"Deal."
"Jesus Bella, why didn't you wait for me?" Jake groaned as he dropped an armload of items to the ground beside me.
"I thought you had it," I replied sweetly.
"You knew damn well I could have used help," he snipped.
"You didn't ask," I shrugged. "I'm not a mind reader." With that, I rolled over and laid my head down, my face turned toward him and closed my eyes.
Jake grumbled under his breath beside me as he knelt, sorting through his things and arranging them on the beach. "You're gonna pay for that," he said in my ear, his breath a warm whisper against my sun-soaked skin.
"In your dreams," I retorted with a smile.
His lips twitched, his eyes alighting with mischief. "In yours," he whispered.
I shivered under the scalding sun as I stared into his black eyes, my own darting between his lips and his eyes. Jake smiled and rolled onto his feet. "You'll see," he called jogging toward the water.
"Jesus Christ," Alice groaned. "It smells like sexual tension out here. Would you two please, just…I don't know, fuck or something, and get it over with."
"Shut up," I hissed.
"Come on Bella, he knows you want him. If he doesn't, he's a bigger moron that I gave him credit for. Now please, go swim or something, I can't handle the stench of desperation."
I flipped her off as I headed down to the water. Foamy waves rushed up the golden sand towards my feet, washing over my ankles. Wading in, warm water rose up my body until I was waist deep.
"Incoming!" a voice called.
I glanced around as a pile of wet sand splattered across my chest.
"Jake!" I shrieked. "You asshole!"
From toward the horizon he laughed; another pile of sand flew towards me.
"I'm gonna kick your ass!" I cried, diving into the water. When I came up, I saw him standing out on the sandbar, a handful of mud dripping from between his fingers. I slid down into the now chest deep water and pulled the cups of my bikini away from my skin, trying to wash away the sand clinging to my skin.
Checking around to make sure Jake was still on the sandbar, I brushed grains of rock and shell out of my bathing suit. Once I was no longer sandy, I dove again heading for Jake.
When I came up, a handful of mud whizzed over my head, plopping sickly into the water behind me. Swimming up to the sandbar, I set my feet down and reached out, pinching the soft skin of his stomach.
"Ow!" he cried, flinging my hand away and rubbing the pink mark slowly blooming on his belly. "What was that for?"
"For being a jerk," I growled, pinching him again, "and throwing sand at me. It's all stuck to my skin and inside my bathing suit."
"Aw, I'm sorry," he pouted, mimicking my voice.
"You should be," I snapped, crossing my arms across my chest as I glared at him.
"Come here; let me see if I can make it better."
"Unh uh," I said backing away. "I am not that stupid."
He dipped his hands into the water then held them up, showing me they were clean. "Seriously. Let me see if I can help. Come here."
Cautiously I went to him, watching to make sure he wasn't playing me. When I reached his side, his arms snaked around my waist, pulling me in closer to him.
My heart started galloping as the heat from his body seeped into mine. I fought the urge to close my eyes and lean into him; to wrap myself around him in the most R-rated way possible.
"Where's it bothering you?" he murmured, his eyes on my chest.
"Right here," I motioned the bottom band of my top.
Jake's fingers slid under the strap, stroking smoothly against my skin, moving from the right side, around my back, and to the left. "Better?"
"Yeah," I sighed. "Thanks."
"No worries."
His hands were still on my waist, sliding lower. Cupping my backside, he pinched me, hard.
"Ow!"
He grinned wolfishly down at me.
"Don't do that!" I cried, trying to wiggle away.
Jake slid his left hand down, tightening his grip and pinched me again.
"Stop," I cried slapping his chest.
Then the bastard pinched me again. "Do it again and I'm going to kiss you."
Jake chuckled low in his throat, an evil glint in his eyes. A sharp pain stung my skin. Reflexively I leaned forward and kissed his cheek, his unshaved skin harsh against my lips.
With my heart racing, I leaned back and glowered at him, daring him to try me. Jake pulled me closer, pinching me again. As I leaned toward his cheek, he turned his face, our lips connecting, igniting as a thousand synapses fired. Pulling me closer, his hands pinning me against him, my chest crushing against his, I gasped and he surged forward, his tongue lightly brushing mine. Electricity flowed through my body; all conscious thoughts ceased, the roar of the waves crashing on the shore faded away, the cawing of the seagulls that permeated the air diminished. All I could hear was his sharp intake of breath and the banging of my blood.
My arms slid around his neck, my fingers seeking the purchase of his hair, winding them into the thick chestnut mass, tugging slightly.
I was burning, my body on fire, alive with something I'd never felt before. Jake moaned softly, angling his head, deepening our kiss, lifting me off the ocean floor. I wrapped my legs around his waist, molding myself against his body.
"Oh yeah!"
"Get some!"
"About damn time!"
The sounds of the world crashed through my consciousness, shocking me back to the moment. I unclasped my legs and released the hold I'd had on Jake's hair, crashing into the ocean, the cooler water clearing my senses.
Oh my god, what did I do?
When I surfaced, Jake was staring down at me, red faced. "Oh my god," I moaned backing away from him. Pushing off the sandbar I made a beeline for the shore, swimming furiously as if I were being chased by the shark from Jaws.
"Go ahead girl, 'bout time you did something with all that!" Alice shrieked as I passed her.
"Shut up Alice!"
Once on the shore, I stumbled to my towel and collapsed clutching my chest. Feeling my heart knocking into my rib cage, I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
Oh my God, oh my God, OH MY GOD!
Those three simple words knocked around the inside of my head like a kaleidoscope of butterflies desperately seeking escape after capture. A grin tugged my lips, spreading across my face.
Jake finally kissed me. Or I kissed him.
Semantics. He certainly wasn't screaming no, I thought, my smile going wider.
Pushing myself up, I glanced out to the horizon. Jake remained on the sand bar, his back to me, droplets of water on his skin shimmering in the early afternoon light.
Resting my elbows on my knees, I set my chin in my hands and stared at him as he bobbed in the current. Slowly, he turned his eyes meeting mine. I started to smile when I noticed the anxiety lingering just below the dark surface of his gaze. Biting my lip, I swallowed hard, anxiety clawing at the base of my throat.
With a frown, he made his way through the water towards me. I pulled my knees up, watching his progress, sweat forming on my brow. When he finally sat down beside me, he drew his knees up and nudged me with his shoulder.
"Hey," he said softly.
"Hi."
"So that was interesting," he murmured, digging his fingers into the sand.
"Sure was," I returned, staring at the sun.
"What did it mean?" he asked, his eyes on his fingers buried up to his knuckles in the ground beside him.
Shrugging slightly, I turned my head toward him, blinking away the black spots burned into my vision by the sun. "I'm not sure what it meant to you, Jake. Was that just you marking up your bedpost? Finally getting something from the one girl who constantly tells you no, or was it something more than that?"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he asked indignantly, turning to meet my gaze.
"Oh come on," I muttered, "you have consistently asked me out and I've shot you down every single time."
"Except this time," he retorted, throwing his hands into the air, sand flying everywhere. It glittered in the afternoon light, glimmering for a brief moment before settling down.
"You didn't ask this time. You just took."
"I didn't hear you telling me to stop."
"No," I admitted. "You didn't."
"Why not?" he questioned.
How to answer this question? I wondered. Truthfully, my mind replied. Taking a deep breath, I said, "Because."
"Because?" he sputtered. "Because why?"
"Because for two years, I've waited for you to grow up, to get it, to finally understand how I feel about you. I wanted to be your first choice, not your backup plan, not the girl you came running to when you were out of options or bored. You never chose me first."
Jake leaned forward, crossing his arms over his knees and squinted at me. "Really?" he asked, dubiously.
"Yes!" I shouted. "Come on, Jake. Two weeks after you transferred to school, you were dating Sarah What's-her-face. You guys broke up like three days later, and you were asking me out. After I told you no, you went after Amanda Hocking. When you guys broke up, you asked me again. This sick cycle keeps going on and on. When does it end? When do you ask me out, get rejected and not go after some other skank? When do you wait for me to be okay with dating you?"
"Bella, I never knew you thought that," he murmured. He reached for me, fingertips brushing my arm before I snatched my arm away. He dropped his hand to his side and exhaled, his breath whistling through his parted lips.
"Yeah, well, I do," I snapped. "You say you want to be with me, but your actions say something completely different."
"Is that what my actions today said?"
I sighed, shaking my head no. I hugged my knees, drawing them close to my chest. "I don't know Jake. You are so hard to read. And honestly, I'm tired of trying."
"Bella," he reached for my arm, tugging it off my knees. He held my hand in his, sliding his fingers between mine. I glanced away, pulling my hand away. "Hey, look at me."
I stared at a cloud floating leisurely across the sky, not wanting to because if I did, I would most likely cry. Everything he did, he seemed to do to either hurt me or remind me that I wasn't what he wanted.
"Bella, look at me," he commanded.
Slowly I turned my head, gazing at him. "What?"
He grabbed a strand of hair and tucked it behind my ear, his fingers tracing my jaw line. "I've only wanted you since the day I met you. All you do is push me away; you've done it for as long as I've known you."
"What! No, I haven't."
"Yeah, Bella, you have," he shot back.
"Whatever," I muttered. "You're so full of shit your eyes should be…oh, well, never mind."
Jake rolled his eyes, his fingers tracing a path between my index finger and thumb. "See this," he said, his eyes on our entwined fingers, "we're good together Bella. It's so easy between us-"
"When it's just us," I interjected.
"Because you keep me at an arms distance when there are other people around. When you realized people were watching us out there, you bolted."
I had no response because he was right. I pushed him away when we were with our friends. How did I not realize I did that? "I'm sorry," I told him.
"It's okay."
"So…"
"So?" he parroted.
"What now? What is going on with us?"
He shrugged his expression mirroring the turmoil washing over me. Fear that I was about to lose my best friend over some stupid kiss that I would gladly take back if I meant I got to keep him in my life in whatever capacity I could have him. But the fear that all we would ever be outweighed my desire to have more of him. I wanted all or nothing.
"Why don't we just take it a day at a time? We're friends who hold hands, kiss when the mood strikes, and if you promise to be nice to me, I'll take you out, maybe see a movie, grab something to eat and we'll see how it goes?"
I sagged against him in relief, laying my head on his arm, joy flooding me. "I can do that."
"Ew, are you two dating now?" Alice called as she made her way toward us.
"Shut up Alice," Jake and I said in unison.
"Gross," she muttered reaching into the cooler for a can of soda. "I'd hoped it wouldn't come to this and now look at you two, all disgusting and touchy feely." She popped the top of her can, taking a long swallow. "Don't steal my best friend," she pointed at Jake. "Or I'll kick your ass. Jakee thing goes if you hurt her."
Jake held his hands up defensively. "Easy trigger."
"I mean it," she scolded. "Bella has been my best friend since kindergarten. Don't think you can come in here with your pretty face and smooth words and steal her away from me. I will cut you if you do."
"Jesus," he said to me. "I didn't realize how crazy she was."
Elbowing him in the ribs, I turned to Alice. "No one is stealing me from anyone."
"Promise?"
I grabbed her extended pinky finger and wrapped mine around hers. "Promise."