Hey guys! Here's the fourth entry! Sorry it's taken me a while to update - University has kept me busy :)
A/N - This entry takes place during episode 49 of 'Sonic X'. Dialogue from Chuck,Tails, and Chris Thorndyke belongs to 4Kids. Other dialogue belongs to me.
~Xoxomtmodnarxoxo
Dear Diary,
Pretending that nothing happened between me and Sonic turned out to be surprisingly easy at first, since there has only been one important thought in my mind all day - we have to go home.
It's not as if we have a choice. It's funny how days that seem perfectly normal turn for the worst. Ella had given me a copy of 'The Diary Of Anne Frank' to read and I very nearly cried at the passage where Anne is told that she must go into hiding when they receive a letter from a Jewish Concentration Camp, ordering her sister, Margot, to report to the camp within a number of days. Oh, how I wanted to weep whilst I read her sense of desperation, but I'd never imagined to be in the same position as Anne.
I feel confused. I want to go home, but I dread the idea at the same time. Especially since the news came so unexpectedly.
Today we celebrated 'Freedom Day'. Really, I expected the day to be an excuse for big companies to sell merchandise, but everybody claims that Sonic inspired millions to celebrate a care-free lifestyle. I must admit, we celebrated in style! Mr. and Mrs Thorndyke held a barbeque in their back garden which was a nice thought but rather impractical. Mr. Thorkdyke's kebabs were completely charred and uneadible and, in my honest opinion, Mrs Thorndyke's t-shirt was a little too tight on her. Anyway, the atmosphere was quite lively and we were enjoying ourselves and our new 'care-free' lives and dissecting our burnt kebabs, when Mr. Tanaka appeared and informed Chuck, "Professor Thorndyke, the President is on the telephone for you"
To us, it was nothing new, since we were so used to the President calling us at the most random moments. Therefore we stayed outside, refusing any more of Mr. Thorndyke's food. Nothing seemed particularly suspicious to us until earlier this evening, when a physicist and the President's aid visited the Thorndyke residence. I couldn't hear or see anything from my point of view to a great extent, but later on when Tails was the main lounge, I could tell by his facial expression that something was horribly wrong. Never have I seen Tails so shocked and scared before in my life. Not that I was spying or eavesdropping in any way, but I was just desperate to discover what was going on, so I perched on the staircase outside the main lounge, listening carefully. Tails wasn't the only one who was acting strangely; Chris also looked very distraught. I even heard shouting from the main lounge:
"YOU'RE WRONG!", Chris screamed, "DR. EGGMAN MUST BE BEHIND THIS! HE'S FOOLING EVERYBODY TO GET RID OF SONIC!"
There were more murmurs amongst them, whilst I sat with my head in my hands, my elbows digging horribly into my legs. I noticed Cream sidle towards me. I held my arm out and she sat down beside me, cuddling me close, expecting me to make things better. Only I couldn't.
"We can't wish this promise away, Chris", Chuck replied calmly, "I know it's hard to hear, but the time has come to say goodbye. Sonic must return to his World. There is no other choice-"
"YOU CAN'T SEND HIM AWAY!", Chris roared, "I WON'T LET YOU!"
And with that, Chris left the room in an infuriated manner, leaving a stunned silence behind him. Cream was in tears, her shuddering sobs encouraging my own tears to run down my face.
"I never saw him this upset", Tails shyly confided after a short period of time.
"I know exactly how he feels", Chuck answered, "I'm upset about this, too. If time were to stop, I wouldn't have to grow older anymore. I'd have forever to do research and make new discoveries… why, just think of all the marvellous things you and I could build if we could tinker in our workshop for all eternity. It sounds wonderful… but it's a trap. In a World where time has stopped completely, the pursuit of scientific knowledge will ultimately be meaningless. We'd never be able to use our knowledge to make real progress…"
There was a dramatic pause. I held my breath.
"Everyday would be the same… I think you'd agree that a World where nothing ever changes would be a boring place to live…", Chuck paused, "… I'll miss you, my friend"
He obviously had meant Tails. Tails remained silent. Cream continued to sob quietly in my arms, as I hugged her and begged her calm down, for she only made me even more anxious than what she was. I couldn't believe it. If we didn't go back home immediately, time would screech to a sudden halt. I suddenly felt that we were responsible for the entire predicament! To think about the idea of living every day that would be exactly the same as one another makes me want to vomit. I don't want to live the same day over and over again; especially if it would have been a particularly crappy day. And, and… I just don't want to leave Earth. I know that I've been writing so much about how much I've been wanting to go home, but I can't bear the thought of leaving Ella behind. She's been like a mother figure to me, well, the closest to being a mother that I could ever have had. And the idea of leaving her behind makes me feel abandoned and unwanted, like an orphan.
"Oh, Amy", Cream sobbed, "What are we going to do? If we don't go home soon, the World will end!"
"I don't know, Cream", I answered back weakly, but I attempted to cheer her up by acting more positive, "But we're going to be okay. We'll be fine, Dreamy Creamy. Don't you worry. Come on,smile, Cream! We're going to be okay, little old lady, we're going to be home soon!"
"I can't be happy", Cream protested as she rubbed her eyes, "Not if I'm leaving all my new friends behind. I'm just not ready to say goodbye yet"
"Sometimes in life", I explained, "We have to do things we're not happy about, even if that means saying goodbye to good friends. Sometimes we sacrifice a lot of things in our life which turns out better for everybody. I had to do it when I left my mother-"
"You never loved your mother", Cream interrupted, "You always hated her"
"True", I admitted, "But if we don't accept that we sometimes have to let go of friends in our lives, we don't grow and learn. Remember Cream, change can be dramatic, but it can also be a good thing for us, too… We've spent far too much time on Earth… it's time to go home"
"I don't think I'm ready to go home just yet", Cream mumbled as she nestled her head on my shoulder, "I don't feel anything just now"
"That's to be expected", I comforted her, "Come on. I'll sleep beside you tonight as a treat, how does that sound?"
"Fine, I guess", Cream mumbled back. I had never seen Cream so depressed in her life. And because her unresponsive attitude acted as a contrast to her normal cheerful self, I felt more scared than ever. But it did help that Cream, Vanilla, Cheese and I kept each other company for the remainder of the evening. It was comforting to know that I had friends who were there for me and understood how I felt…
It's far too late now. Vanilla and Cream and Cheese dozed off a while ago, giving me the chance to catch up in my diary entries. The problem is, I can't sleep. At all. I've tossed and turned and plumped my pillow… but nothing. I feel as nervous as a student awaiting their exam results the night before, as anxious as a poorly person awaiting results from their doctor, as scared as an infant during a horrendous thunderstorm.
Although I've tried to convince Cream that we're going to be okay, I can't help but worry myself. I shall have to go through tedious procedures such as moving out of my small apartment in Town Square and sort out loans and finances and pack everything . And then I will have to go through the ordeal of saying goodbye to my dear loved ones…
In addition, Chris has ran away. God only knows where he has went off to, all I pray is that he's okay.
No, I mustn't think about that now. I must try and sleep. But I can't ignore the fact that despite the advice that I've given Cream, I don't even know how to say goodbye to everyone myself. I am as scared as what Cream is. Maybe I should start listening to my own advice as well as other peoples'. We'll be fine. I shall try and sleep now. After all, a problem shared is a problem solved…
Later - Chris is home. Thank God. He claims that he is okay. I'm inclined to believe him, since I was too tired and confused to make any judgements when he appeared home at first.
Remember when I said that pretending that nothing ever happened between me and Sonic turned out to be quite easy? Well, it was easy at first. Note the significance on the use of the word 'was'. I swear, I must be suffering from bad karma because my luck turned to the worst within minutes and before I knew it, my hard-to-get cover was completely blown. For Sonic always finds a way to influence me in the end.
He's such an asshole.
Allow me to explain.
A few hours ago (I have only just checked my alarm clock and it's twenty-past three - Good God, I'll look like a panda in the morning!), I had decided to go into the kitchen to get a drink of water. The kitchen was dark when I padded into the room… and I had the BIGGEST fright of my life when I saw a dark figure standing in one corner! (No thanks to Chris who made me watch 'The Blair Witch Project' AND refused to switch it off, especially at the end where the girl goes into the basement and finds her friend standing in one corner with his backed turned to the camera in the dark!). I couldn't help but scream out loud!
"Sh!", the figure hissed in the dark, "It's me, Sonic!"
"What?", I answered and switched on the lights. True enough, it was him. Only I didn't appreciate the scare or the fact that it was the first time that we were alone together since Sonic had 'accidentally' read my diary entries about Shadow. It didn't help that I looked more vulnerable than ever with my messy quills, my oversized t-shirt (substitute for pyjamas), and small dry patches of skin on my face (oh, the joys of being a teenager). But for some odd reason, I simply didn't care.
"Oh", I replied impassively, "Hey"
"What's up, Amy?", Sonic answered cheerfully. I grunted. It's sooo typical of Sonic to be so positive at the worst of times.
"I guess you haven't heard the news", I answered back as I filled an empty glass with water, "We have to go home"
"Well, one day we'll get home, Amy. We just have to be more positive"
He wasn't making it any easier for the both of us. I couldn't help but slump against the kitchen counter with despair.
"No, you dunce", I groaned, "We have to go home, or time will come to a screeching halt"
"Aren't you being a little over-dramatic?", Sonic chuckled as he stole an apple out of the fruit bowl and bit into it. I rolled my eyes.
"I wish I was", I answered, "But we had a visit from a physicist tonight and she explained that unless we go home now time will just repeat itself"
"Oh, my God", Sonic chuckled, "Seriously?"
"Do I look as if I'm fucking kidding?", I snapped, "If it was all a lie I wouldn't have wasted my breath telling you!"
"Okay, chillax!", Sonic chuckled again and held his hands up in mock self-defence. He then took another bite out of his apple and commented with his mouth full of fruit, "Wow, what a shock!"
I suddenly felt infuriated with Sonic's happy-go-lucky attitude - didn't he care that we were leaving good and caring friends behind who provided us with food and a roof over our heads? Didn't he care that I was losing Ella, the closest motherly figure in my life? And when I pondered over the thought; didn't he care about Chris and his feelings?
I drank a reasonable amount of water and breathed out slowly, glaring at him.
"Really", I commented, "Is that all you can say? Is that all you can say about leaving our closest friends behind to go home? About time stopping if we don't go home?"
"'Scuse me?", Sonic mumbled as he chewed his mouthful of apple. I folded my arms crossly.
"Don't you feel even the teeniest bit upset that we're going home? At all?", I questioned him. Sonic paused for a moment of two and swallowed.
"Well", he answered, "Kinda, but our home is much better 'cause, honestly, there's more running space there!", Sonic chuckled and expected me to do the same. If I was still remotely crazy about him, I would have giggled companionably. But I remained aloof.
"What about Chris?", I began. Sonic gave me a confused look.
"What about him?", Sonic asked back. I bid farewell to my sanity levels and let rip.
"So you don't care about how Chris feels about us going home? Did you not even consider how helpful Chris has been for us ever since we got here?"
"Ah, well-"
"Are you going to miss him? And Ella, and Mr. Tanaka, and Chuck?", I continued. Sonic held one hand up to silence me.
"Whoa, wait a minute, Amy", he interrupted, "Where are you getting all of these ideas from?"
"I'll miss everyone", I commented. It felt strange, since I began to express my feelings, I simply couldn't stop. Yet, it felt good, "I'll miss Chris, even though I found him annoying sometimes, but I'll miss Ella the most. I appreciate everything that Chris and his family and staff have done for us. They've been so helpful for us all, wouldn't you agree?"
"Well, yeah, sort of", Sonic answered, "After all, Chris saved my life when he rescued me from his swimming pool, so I appreciated him for that, that's why I was always there for him whenever he got into trouble"
I froze on the spot. I frowned at him.
"So…", I pondered, "You didn't save him all those times simply because you liked him, because you cared about him?", I paused, "You practically saw Chris as a debt to your moral status?"
"It's not like that, Amy", Sonic answered firmly, folding his arms. I was not convinced.
"You know", I began, "People can be easily fooled by first impressions. It's obvious that Chris fell into that trap. Chris saw you as a saviour whenever he was in danger, and he treated you like his best friend and yet… you only cared about yourself? Is that it? Have you been deliberately ignorant all this time?", I breathed out. Sonic remained silent. I continued angrily, "He was always there for you, and you treated him like crap. Until now… I have never realised how selfish you really are!"
I began to flounce out of the kitchen, but before I could go any further, Sonic grabbed my left arm, his grip quite firm. My heart skipped a beat. I had read stories about girls who have been unexpectedly attacked by their male friends in the most horrific and disgusting ways possible. I began to feel very wary about the situation.
"Wait, Amy", Sonic began, "I know you're stressed about all of this"
"Well, duh!", I snapped.
"But, listen, if you need to talk to anybody about, well, anything", he added, "I'm always available to talk"
I didn't respond. I didn't have to.
"Listen", Sonic continued, "I know you've been thinking about Shadow quite a lot recently-"
My cheeks flamed. So Sonic did read my entry after all!
"- and it's perfectly normal to do so, but Amy… Shadow's gone", Sonic shrugged gently, "It's time to accept that"
"What I think about in my free time is entirely my business!", I snapped, "How dare you read my private thoughts!"
"Oh, come on, Amy!", Sonic exclaimed, "Anyone can easily read it. If you're so secretive, buy a fucking lock for that diary! Anyway, it's stupid to fantasize about Shadow. He's dead, Amy. It's been difficult for all of us, but it's time to move on. It's time to stop being so morbid"
"As if you care!", I snapped, "What gives you the right to tell me what to do? You hardly notice anything nowadays! All you care about is yourself!"
"That's so not true", Sonic argued, "I care about everybody else… and that includes you"
"And what?", I replied sharply, "What have you got against my thoughts about Shadow? Are you simply jealous, or what?"
There was a slight pause.
"You got it spot on", Sonic answered.
I snorted sarcastically at his comment and turned to leave once again. Sonic pulled me back with force and suddenly kissed me. I closed my eyes desperately, praying that I was simply day-dreaming but when I re-opened my eyes and felt the kiss deepen, I declared that it was reality. It was officially strange; I had dreamed about this moment with Sonic for years, but now that it was happening, I wasn't enjoying it. At all. It felt as though his tight grip was bruising my arm. Ah, how to explain that to Cream was beyond me!
Eventually Sonic gently broke the kiss, leaving me completely breathless. I looked away suddenly, unable to look him in the eye.
"So, what do you think, Amy?", Sonic asked, "Why don't we give it a try? You and me?"
I stared at him helplessly… and viciously slapped him in the face. I then stupidly burst into tears and ran out of the kitchen, leaving Sonic by himself.
I feel happy. I feel very unhappy about the entire situation. I had been waiting for my 'special' moment to happen for so long and now that it's happened… I just want to curl into a heap and rock backwards and forwards in a rhythmic manner. I never wanted it to happen like this. The fact that I have unusual feelings towards Shadow now makes the entire experience much more confusing for myself. I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy my kiss with Sonic, but it makes me feel worse that Sonic seemed to have taken in the idea that I'm supposedly persuading him to persuade me to suddenly date him and to act as if all the many times he has betrayed me (and yes, there are plenty of them!) have never happened. But it simply doesn't work that way. I shouldn't have to ask Sonic to ask me out - he should be doing that himself if he really likes me. It actually makes me wonder of he likes me or not, especially since he's kissed me. And the fact that it has taken him so long to make a move on me has confused me to a great extent; why wait until now to make a move on me? Did Sonic really become jealous over my infatuation over Shadow, or am I just imagining things?
In addition, I hate the way Sonic is encouraging me to forget about Shadow; it feels as though he has complete control over my life. I even hate the fact that I can't even record my most private thoughts in you, dear diary, because I know for a fact now that Sonic would have a look at you every now and then, probably to see what I would write about him or Shadow. It's as if I'm not allowed to have a private life.
Alas, the kiss has been added to my current list of concerns within my life. My teenage years are supposedly the best years of my life? Huh, indeed! However, Sonic is simply a guy, there's more to life than obsessing about boys all the time.
And yet, I'm still confused. I don't love Sonic.
Or do I? The kiss was quite pleasurable, if I can be honest.
Or was Sonic being polite?
… No - mostly selfish, really.
Oh, God, the idea makes me want to cry.
But that's the funny thing about it. At the moment, I don't feel like crying. I don't feel like sleeping. I don't feel like being happy or unhappy just now.
I don't feel like being me…