I struggle to relax myself, I've done this before, it's not like I'm losing my virginity. It's just that it's him, I'm embarrassed because it's Yomi. He holds my hand through the hallway, and when we get to his room, he opens the door and invites me in. My heart is racing, I doubt if I should do this, not out of lack of desire, but out of low self-esteem. He quietly closes and locks the door, as to not disturb my thoughts, and we are left alone in a large candle-lit room.
The bed is a bit smaller than mine, which makes no sense. But then Yomi has never been one for fancy things. He's always enjoyed more giving than having, I recall that clearly. He never grew attached to riches or material things, his search was more for power. For a room so large it is almost empty, just a table and a couch. No shelves, no decorations, nothing on the walls, just a dim-lit room, warmed and scented by the candles with a tranquil glow.
I take a few strides toward the bed, my legs stiff, and stare down at it. Here is where he lays at night, I wonder who else he's brought here.
He unexpectedly comes from behind and wraps his arms around my waist. He kisses me right below the ear. I flinch in shock but he doesn't seem to care. His mouth leaches on and he begins sucking. I close my eyes, tilt my head back, and reach my hand to his head, pulling him closer.
"What are we doing?" he asks into my ear.
"I don't know," I respond in a diluted manner.
He turns me around, removes the hair from my face and kisses my lips. Heat and fire take over and suddenly I don't feel out of place anymore. I feel like this is where I belong. My mind blocks everything else out, all the problems, fighting, and manipulations, and I am left with only him. My arms reach for his neck and grab his hair, tugging at it lightly.
He pulls away, only to kiss my neck again. I close my eyes as a sharp breath leaves my body. I'm kissing the King of Gandara. I'm kissing my old friend. There is a kiss and another sharp breath, and another kiss and another breath, and all you can hear is me. A breath and a moan, and a breath and a moan, and oh shit this is amazing. When was the last time I felt like this? When was the last time I've been kissed? I wonder what will happen next? What will Hiei and Yusuke think of me for doing this? But then Yomi is kissing my lips again and I don't care at all about none of that anymore. Yomi is kissing me. His lips, his tongue, his fingers, his smell, and this is amazing. The glow from the candles reflect off of his body and this is so romantic. So surreal.
But then I notice a change.
You know that moment where everything is too good to be true, and then the true ugliness comes out?
That's exactly what happens.
He kisses me way too hard, holds me way too tight, and his teeth are sharper. I can feel the difference.
Pain pulses trough my body as his mouth sucks and his teeth bite. I claw my nails into his back to release some tension, but he's being too aggressive. With no coordination or restrain his hands work strangely and shakily through my shirt attempting to take it off. As if fast just isn't fast enough. He gets frustrated at a button that is holding him back and yanks the shirt right off of me, tearing it.
He kisses my chest in a way that isn't romantic at all, and my muscles tighten. He pushes me to the bed, spreading my legs apart to dive into me. He licks my stomach, and then my chest again. He's biting me, sucking with so much force It actually hurts.
I won't be able to enjoy it if he doesn't calm down, "Yomi," I call out to him. "Can you please slow down just a little? You're hurting me." But he continues as if I haven't even spoken. With each suck, blood itself is being pulled out of my body. "Hey," I lift up an arm and push him away. "Stop!"
"What is it Yoko? A while ago you said this is what you wanted."
"You're being too rough, I told you."
"Everyone enjoys a little pain. You taught me that, remember?"
And he continues, with no intention of stopping, so I struggle.
I try to push him off with all my force, but he won't move. "Yomi! Stop! I'm telling you to stop!" I begin to panic. Not like this, this would ruin everything. I don't want it like this.
He grabs both of my arms annoyed, as if my struggles are a fly messing with his meal. He pins me down with superior strength, and then he tells me what he's really thinking. The thing that has been on his mind this whole time. "I searched for you all the time. Everywhere you went, everything you did, I know of it. How did you manage not having me in the band anymore? From what I heard, you continued as if nothing changed."
"Yomi-"
He pins me down harder, giving a signal to shut up, "And then in Spirit Word, how was Kuronue? Did he fuck you like this, or was he in the bottom?"
That name makes my body freeze. Kuronue. How could he have known about that? How much does he know?
"You-" I try, but he keeps talking.
"I pity him, you know. I pity everyone that comes across you. I pity everyone that's ever tasted your lips or kiss your face, because it's a long fall from heaven once you turn and leave. And you will leave," he declares mater-of-factly. "Because no matter how much someone loves you, you won't love them. You don't know how to love, Yoko. You're only out for yourself! You don't know what's it's like to love someone so deeply… so deeply…" his face turns to torture, "So much, that's it's impossible to exist coherently without that person. I fell apart when you felt me. My mind, soul, and body detached. I was in darkness and not just physically but in all aspects. I would sleep without sleeping, eat without eating, exist without living. Do you know what it feels to be the walking dead? To have your life depend on someone that you were disposable to?"
"Please."
"I wish I had my eyes to be able to cry, they say crying helps cleanse the soul, but I can't even do that." His face turns back to normal, with no real emotion. "But it doesn't matter anymore. We're tied by the hip from now on, we'll burn in hell together."
He pulls at my pants. I try to make him stop, try to speak some sense into him. That wasn't me, I want to tell him, but he isn't listening. I use all of my strength to push him back, I want him off of me, until I feel the back of his hand fall heavily on my face. I fall back, in shock, my head against the pillow. I don't struggle anymore, just lay still. I tell myself to be strong. To fight the feeling of anger and loneliness and rage. He isn't listening, so how can I explain myself? And what can I tell him anyway? That right now, in this moment, I am attracted to him and really want to hold him? How can he believe that after everything we've lived, but as strange as it sounds, it's the truth. I am attracted to Yomi, I really like him, so what he is doing right now is ruining everything.
I tell myself it's just sex, it doesn't mean anything. But it really does. It really does because it's him, and he thinks I betrayed him, and he knows about Kuronue, but that wasn't me!
"I can hurt you," he tells me. "I can do whatever I want with you." I detach myself from this place, I have to think of something else. I tell myself not to feel. Soon it will be over and i'll be back at home in Human World with everybody. I see him undo his pants and they fall to the floor, I see him grab a hold of his manhood. He positions himself between my legs, I feel the tip of him by my entrance and I shut my eyes close. He rubs against it again and again. I hide my face in the pillow, but I know it's useless. He can see me. "I'm going to fuck you like a pig, like the animal you are!" Shut up! I don't want to hear you! "I'm going as deep as I want, as hard as I want, as much as I want Yoko, because even if you try to hide inside a human, you won't get away from me. I won't forgive you! I will never forgive you, and if this is all I can have for now, then I will take this human and make him a mess." My face turns red as I fight back the screams of impotence.
Taking someone by force, degrading them, is despicable. But more than anything I am washed with a feeling of misery and sadness, instead of rage. I didn't want things to end like this. I remember meeting him, the times we worked together. His laughter as he told me his chronicles, most of which I ignored, but he would keep talking and smiling anyways. His saddened face as I curled up in a partner's arms, the way he would swallow hard like I've been doing lately, fighting the urge not to break.
"What is it Yoko? Don't want to play anymore?"
"Stop."
"I ASKED YOU IF YOU DONT WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE!" He yells, "I didn't ask what you wanted me to do!" I jump up with his voice. "TELL ME!... TELL ME!"
"THAT WASN'T ME!" I yell so loud I actually surprise myself, and surprise him for that matter, because he lets me go.
He gets up from the bed and throws a blanket over me. "Leave! Leave now that you still can!"
Still in shock, I make sense of his words and compose myself enough to gather my clothes and dress quickly. I have to get out of here right now that I can, there's no time to waste. I can tell he's fighting with himself for his decision. As soon as I'm done I leave the room and run down the hallway. I jump out the first window I see, out of the palace, into the city, across the border, and to the portal to Human World.
I run away from him like a frightened coward. I run away from my past, but most importantly, from the truth. Because no matter what I tell myself, it really was me the one that did those horrible things to him. It was my other self. It was Yoko.
Back at home mother rejoices in seeing me, throws her arms around me and examines my neck and torn shirt. I make excuses and manage to get away from her quickly. I don't want her to see me like this, I don't want her to worry.
Now that I'm back, I can't believe he actually let me go. After the thousand-year-old wait to execute his revenge, he actually let me go. I don't understand that.
I go back to school, there's a lot of work to be done if I don't want to fail the grade. I've missed too many days, but I'll manage to pull through. I get in contact with the six fighters soon after, the plan is to get all six of them to power levels above one hundred thousand. If it comes down to the worst, they will have an important role in this war. I guess this means I really am using them, just like Yomi said.
I can't concentrate in school. I'm more concerned with knowing if Yomi is actually keeping an eye on me, and with who. Also, I have noticed a change within my body. Ever since the dark tournament, at times I can feel more traits of Yoko present, I've even turned back into his body a few times. It's gotten worst since my reunion with Yomi, at times I feel like I actually am Yoko again. My heart turns cold, and the way I think changes completely. I need to decide what to do about this, I already juggle two personalities around, Kurama and Suuichi. If a third personality emerges, I might lose myself completely. But am I truly not him?
After a few days I found out the way Yomi planed on staying informed. He sent a parasite to live inside my young step-brother. I worked my way around to make sure he doesn't get hurt. The thought of this makes my blood boil. Why would Yomi threaten to hurt a young human child? How far will he go?
Visiting Genkai to check up on the training of the fighters one day, I bump into Koenma. He expects me to do what is right for the greater good of course, but why? Why does it have to be me the one that has to sacrifice himself? Hiei and Yusuke are out there doing whatever they want, they don't care that we are against each other. They are going to fight for what they want. So why do I have to be the hero here? Why can't I fight for what I want too? What is it that I want anyways?
An image of Yomi sitting in his throne appears unexpectedly in my head, a light smile on his face.
I can't really be expecting to win this war and live happily ever after, right? I'm just keeping my word to advise him the best I can, but after everything that happened it would be foolish to lie to myself by saying there are no emotions involved. If things would have been different, I would have given myself to Yomi that day, out of free will. I'm drawn to him, but that isn't enough to change things.
If he does win the war tough, he will be ruler of all Demon World. Him, Yomi, King of everything. I turn on the radio to distract myself, strip to my boxers, and slip under the covers. It's still early but I'm laying down already there's nothing else to do. My eyes fall on a picture of mother and me a few years ago, both of us smiling.
No, I couldn't do that. I couldn't leave her.