Prelude – Die Pantomimik
Shhh, be quiet now. You have to be quiet, lest you awaken her wrath. I'm only here to help. To get you cleaned up, you have to at least feel human. Don't look at me that way, it's not my fault she hurts you so. I must dry her tears, sap the dried blood from her face and bare torso. Asuka has to be happy, and to make Asuka happy, Adala has to be perfect. A new day, a new treatment. The scars from the previous day must be invisible, if possible. But oh, she's such a cruel girl. So harmful, I can't always clean her subject up enough. All of that squirming, trying to get away. It doesn't make my job any easier. Behave, girl! Stop fearing my touch! She is your agony, I am your relief. Why won't you understand that? A warm rag to the forehead, a gentle sponge bath, kisses to your neck to remind you that someone cares. She calls you ugly, worthless. I think she's wrong, but that is a servant's opinion. That's where you and I are alike, girl. At the end of the day, what we think doesn't make much of a difference.
She does not come down here every day. No, no, Adala would not be able to handle that, and Asuka knows this. Twice, maybe three times per week. Sometimes less, if she's in a good mood. I always hurry in right after her, making sure her subject is prim and proper. Must make Asuka happy, above all else. She deserves that. Her wrath from a filthy subject is something to be feared, we both know that, girl. Just hold still, we have to clean you up. Hold still! I said stop!
I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that, losing my temper is unbecoming. But watching Asuka do as she pleases… I want that. But I'm not allowed. No, it's not my place. She made it very clear. Take care of Adala, make sure she's alright. Simple, so simple. Shave the hair, clean the sweat, dry the tears, mop the blood. So simple. I'm sorry, Adala. It is better you than me.
Don't look at me like that. I said I was sorry, isn't that enough? Just… just let me hold you. Let me comfort you, I know you deserve it. You've been through so much, so, so much. One day, I promise. Asuka told me herself, I pinky swear. One day, she's going to fix you, and you can leave. When she finds that love she talks in her sleep about, I think. You're just an outlet, a medium for her rage. I don't understand her, Asuka is far too complex for that. You have to understand, that woman is above us. She's so far above everyone, she has trouble seeing the world. Do you understand? Please understand.
There's my smile. Such a beautiful girl, don't let Asuka tell you otherwise. I'm sorry, no, I can't let you go. But you're still beautiful, I promise. Just a hug, just to let you know I'm here. When Asuka finishes with you, I'll come feed you. Try not to go away when she's playing, Asuka likes the songs you sing. She told me so herself. She just laughs, and laughs, and laughs. It brings her such joy, your singing. Such a sweet girl you are, to take care of Asuka like this. She deserves you.
But no, I must go now. Pack her things, she told me so. We mustn't disappoint. I hope she approves of my choices. She said, clothes to last awhile, my toiletries, my hair products, my supplies. She was very clear. But she trusted me! Any clothes I picked, she trusted my judgment. She's going to see her love, her knight, her idol. She must be perfect. I will have no less, her husband must still love her. Blouses and slacks for her job, her healing. She's so good at that, she's worked so hard. Shirts and jeans for relaxing, she needs to relax. She works so hard, she deserves it, after all. A few revealing things, her love must have something to desire. Such a beautiful girl, I wish she would teach me how to be beautiful. She will approve of my selection, I know she will. Tell me, Asuka, did I do well? She'll never tell me. She never gives credit. Such a selfish, selfish girl.
Tonight is the night. She's entrusted me to get everything ready, to ensure Adala's safety, to make sure the house is locked up tight. I'll be gone for awhile, girl. Yes, I swear. Here, trust me, this won't hurt you. We don't know if Asuka will come back, the cards will fall where they will. But this will help you for a long, long time. Needle in one arm for hydration, needle in the other for nutrition. Three months, this will work for three months. After that, I'm sorry, you will die very quickly. Don't look so happy! Surely Asuka will come back for you, she has too much invested. Try not to shake the needles out. No, this won't do. You move too much, I'm sorry. Stitches, that will keep your food in place. Stop singing! She's not here right now! Goodbye, Adala. I hope to see your beautiful smile again.
The car is here, to take you her away. With any luck, she won't come back to this place. I carry her bags out for her, and the driver is much too formal with me. She will be right out, as soon as she's ready. She has to compose herself first. Now, now it's time.
"Ready this time, ma'am?"
"I'll tip you up front if you stop talking."
Chapter 4 – Liebebedürftig
"Blood pressure normal, pulse normal. You're free to begin when you're ready," the titans stand above us, only visible through camera feeds and audio cues.
I've taken this role as Shinji's doctor quite seriously. To the dismay of those with seniority around me, I've also taken to Mika. The only two permanent pilots we have, and I have forced myself into their commission. I insisted on it, virtually – after all, I have credentials head and shoulders above anyone else here. I deserve this.
I wish I could say a lot has changed since I got here, but the sad truth is that a month has done little to entertain me. I have settled into my position quite nicely, and I've recently reached the point that I don't need constant guidance on how to run the various machines in this place. I'm becoming self-sufficient, and this is something I've been longing for. On top of overseeing our most important pilots, I am also in charge of the squad of doctors caring for the other nine temporary pilots. They answer to me, no one else. If any of them so much as sneezes, I expect to be notified. We have to keep everyone safe, a vision that some of my peers seem to lack. Shinji has his students, I have mine. It just so happens mine are mending the wounds of his.
I was terrified at how jaded everyone was to injuries around here when I first started. How dare you brush off internal bleeding? But just as with so many things since I got here, I formed an opinion before having all of the facts. Without the world gazing over Japan's shoulder, they have been free to experiment as they see fit. To those in the know, it was never a secret that Evangelions were the result of cloning. They aren't mechs; they're living, breathing beings. With this knowledge, however, comes the mastery of stem cells. No red tape, only funding to concern ourselves with. They stopped using the unborn long before I was even born – in the past few years, they have absolutely mastered creating new cells out of essentially nothing. Provide the necessary nutrients, and the cells multiply freely, indefinitely. Funny how cancer cells were the key to all of this. As a result, even injuries that were once lifetime debilitations are now healed in a matter of weeks. An entire field has emerged from this branch of medicine, and they are the highest paid doctors in Nerv. After all, they're called for everything from gashes to broken bones. I haven't bothered learning the field, myself. Perhaps one day, but for now, I only have time to oversee them.
I've found my niche in this place as the resident mother to the younger employees. My experience in pediatric care has allowed me the social skills to deal with them when no one else has the time, and I'm all too happy to do it. Their smiles are what keeps me going, and they are what allow me to repent. Yui, above all, as found a place in my heart. I love that girl, there isn't any doubt. She runs to me and jumps into a hug during my occasional visits, and her smell is something I've grown accustomed to. Rei has done an amazing job on this child.
Rei… I'm going to miss her so much. Something changed in her the night she began to cough blood. It was never a secret that she was dying, but being forced to look at the physical evidence in the sink must have clicked with her somehow. She used to be able to joke about her condition, speak about it so matter-of-factly. I admired that about her, but she stopped cold turkey after her initial coughing fit. She's a far cry from being the typical depressed cancer patient, but she never talks about it anymore. I begged her to let me examine her, at least go over her records so I could understand the extent of her illness. She would have none of that. She only wanted to build our relationship, nothing else.
She did an amazing job at that, I'll give her credit. I haven't ever gotten along with someone as well in my life – what we have formed is effortless, and I've openly thanked her for it in the past. No matter what we do, we have fun, so long as it's in the other's company. We've gone clubbing on the surface, shopping is our favorite pastime, and more bottles of wine have been shared than I care to admit. She's grown on me, and I hate her for leaving so soon. She's not well. She doesn't need to tell me, I can see it.
Shinji and I have grown on each other, finding that mystical place Rei told me about. He found where he fits with me, and I found my place in him. I wouldn't say our relationship is quite as smooth as what I have with Rei, but a romantic relationship is expected to be more difficult. I still despise his cold demeanor, but it's something that I've gotten used to. It's who he is now, and I've come to accept that. We've secretly planned on holding off on the wedding until long after Rei has passed – she doesn't need to see that, and Yui is too young to understand. Having his obligation is all I need for the time being. I will always miss my old Shinji, but I've held a mental funeral for him. That caring boy is gone, he grew into someone fighting to save us all.
In short, I believe that I really like it here. It's always hard to say when you're in the moment, but I do think that I'm happy. Life has fallen into normalcy, which is the only thing I've wanted for years. At least, as normal as life can get in this environment.
"Pay attention. You have to concentrate, stop thinking of yourself as a pilot. Your movements have to become effortless," Mika has finally completely healed, and Shinji was attempting to bring her piloting skills to the next level. The entire city above has been shut down for this purpose. My old Unit-02, still in the red glory, stood in front of Unit-06, a pitch black behemoth with yellow accents. It was clearly modeled after Shinji's old Eva, the main difference being the third eye in the middle of the forehead.
"I'm trying…" her voice was annoyed, and her face showed it. Eyes clenched shut, lips puckered. This was actually a fairly small affair – only myself and Misato were in the control room. We were both intent on seeing Mika rise, however.
"What are you doing? Calm down, rest yourself," her body visibly relaxes as he spoke, "Better. All Evas have a unique beast form. To unlock this, you need to visualize yourself as the Eva. You have the scores, I've seen them. You can go berserk with as low as 80%, so long as you know what to do."
"It would help if you shut up," Misato snickers at the pre-teen's comeback. Mika has gotten far more confident since she became a full-time pilot, and frankly, she deserves it.
"No, I think this will help," without warning, Unit-06 was sent to the ground, a result of a sucker punch from Shinji, "Get up. Get angry. Just concentrate, and try to let loose."
"That was cheap, Ikari. I've only piloted for a few weeks, you can't expect me to-" and another punch.
"I can, because I know you. I'm giving you thirty more seconds. Get up."
"Shinji, this wasn't part of the plan," Misato spoke through the private communication link, and he only smirked.
"Leave him be, he knows what he's doing," my defense of him openly annoyed her, but I won that battle, "He knows how to talk to Mika, she'll get it."
"It's not her I'm worried about. It's the city. Look at his pulse, his synch score – you know what he's about to do." Yes I did, and I'm more than excited about it. Watching Shinji do this has become my favorite part of the job.
"Mika! Time is running out!" he yelled at her in a teasing tone as she tried to concentrate, "This is really going to hurt! Hurry!" he smiled so wide, so cynically. Under that light, I could swear that his eyes begin to turn red. My unit began to hunch over, bones cracking randomly. I knew for a fact that Shinji was in tremendous pain – he's told me so himself in the past. This is not an easy transformation, but nevertheless, it's when he felt most powerful. For him, that equates to feeling the happiest.
"I said shut up, damn it!" shoulders evened out with the neck line, knees popped backwards, the lower mandible grew and protruded as fangs sprouted. Unit-02 slowly but surely revealed what power it contained, and Shinji apparently harnessed all the will and courage of a lion. At least, that's what my unit displayed. A tremendous roar shattered the air, and Mika rolled out of the way as Shinji lunged at her from all fours, "Enough! Stop it, Shinji!" That girl rarely shows fear, but when she does, it's not something she can contain. I hated that look on her face.
"Are you angry? This is unfair, right? That's what you're thinking?" another lunge, another dodge. He was clearly going easy on her.
"I said stop! I get it! I'm just not ready!" he's going to stop missing on purpose eventually. After the third dodge, Mika was clearly beginning to cry terrified tears. She was a child trapped in a pit with a lion, and there was no climbing out. Come on, Mika, at least fight back…
"Then get ready!" this time, he went full force, latching onto her right arm and shaking wildly. With a scream and a swift punch to the temple, she managed to knock him off balance and jump back.
"Please Shinji, enough! I can't do this! Just let me go home!" there was something in her voice that made all of us, including Shinji, recoil. I an extremely rare act, his face was as easy to read as anyone else's. Shock, pure and simple. The only three adults involved with this test were taken back at her terrified plea, and for once, we were reminded that this was a little girl scared of a monster. Her frantic breathing accented by retained crying was the only thing any of us heard for longer than I'd like to admit, "Please…"
Shinji let out a deep sigh, and Unit-02 regained the human form. She followed his lead as he silently stood on the elevator, signaling that this was indeed the end of today's test. Misato couldn't stand to look me, or anyone else, in the eye. I returned the gesture. As tough as Mika tries to be, we tend to lose sight that she's just a girl. She doesn't have the courage of a lion, only the strength of one. What we make her go through is unfair, but we all know that it's a necessity. She was the first to be ejected from her plug, and I meet her on the bridge only to be stormed past as she tried to contain her tears. Not even a minute later, Shinji emerges from his plug.
"Damn it…" he rubs his face, clearly more annoyed than anything, "That didn't go as planned."
"Well you did go a little far. Pushing her is fine, but you can't go so fast. Everyone has their limit, and now you know hers. Just give her some time, and learn from this," he walked away after briefly locking eyes with me, "Off to the gym?"
"Off to the gym."
Personally, I like to have a few drinks when I'm stressed. If I'm stressed enough, I may even have a few more. There are probably other, healthier ways to relieve stress, as well. For Shinji, he would let off steam in the gym, only exiting when he was a few minutes from passing out. He always insisted on being alone, going as far as to lock the doors behind him. When he emerges, though, he is always exhausted. For a man that seems to have no end to his endurance, that statement is not to be taken lightly.
Mika needed to be alone for a time, but not for too long. When her adrenaline calms down, she'll need someone to talk to. She always needs someone to talk to. Her hormones are beginning to kick in, and while I wouldn't call her and I close, it seems as if she only speaks to me on those rare occasions she chooses to speak at all. The most I can do is be there for her. In a locker room that is all too familiar to me, I lean against the end of the row of steel lockers. I can hear her down there changing, silently cursing to herself. Her fear has turned to rage. Perfectly normal. What wasn't normal, however, was when she began to punch the lockers. Only a few hits were given before the pain apparently got to her, and she finished changing. Jesus, that girl has worse anger problems than I did. We need to work on that.
"I know you're there, and it's weird. Beat it."
"I'll be outside when you're done. Take a cold shower, it helps." Her grunt was the last thing I heard as I left the room and sat on the bench just outside. She can try to act tough all she wants, but I know exactly where she is right now. This is my job, I'm literally getting paid to help her. I admit, though, that I didn't have to go this far. That much I'm proud to say is coming from the heart. Over half an hour passes before I hear footsteps approaching from the other side of the door, and she walks past me as if she didn't see me. She did. A quick burst of a jog allowed me to catch up, "Anything you need to talk about?"
"Nope." She took my advice on the cold shower. Her still wet hair radiated the near freezing temperature I recommended.
"You were pretty angry back there."
"Yup." Wow, she's not giving an inch, is she?
"I used to do that too, you know. Let out my anger. I used a pillow, though…" no response this time. Okay, I'm starting to run out of my happy tone. I can only keep that up for so long, "I'm about to go grab some lunch. I think you should join me."
"No thank you," and with that, I stop walking, allowing her to trail off without me. I only have so much of a limit – you can't force your help on someone that doesn't want it, even if they need it.
"Well Asuka, looks like your lunch date is an empty seat," with hands behind my head, I turn around and make my way to the cafeteria. With the hour being just before noon, I was greeting to a mostly empty room, and those eating did so silently. It was rare to see this place so calm, I was unnerved by it. This is what happens when you skip breakfast, I suppose. At least the food is decent… that is, I can afford the good stuff. The 'cafeteria' functioned more like a restaurant with no waiters, with an entire menu spanning from ramen to filet mignon to choose from. I received above average pay here, but my nearly unlimited funds from Germany were still funneling into my debit card. I've stopped even considering price points years ago, I buy what I want. Certainly a plus side to my profession. Today, however, I was in the mood for the cheapest item on the menu – ramen, two orders please, extra spicy.
That girl is a mystery to me. I've tried my hardest to help her, to let her know that she's not alone. I think that she's so used to being treated like an object to everyone here that she simply expects that from me as well. She's a pilot, no more, no less. Her value is gauged entirely on her ability to kill angels, and she's well aware of that. I've made it my personal goal to show her otherwise, but she's got walls to rival my own. It's not that she won't socialize like Rei did those years ago, it's only that she won't open up. Everything about her is so surface, and I can see right through it. She's putting up an act, just like I did as a child, and she's not fooling me in the least. She'll come around eventually, I know she will. I just have to keep at it. Every week that goes by, I can feel myself getting closer to her, and I hope she realizes this as well.
"You skipped breakfast too, huh?" I painfully gulp down the large bite of noodles I just shoveled in and force a smile at the woman now sitting across from me. Rei has managed to start looking better; deeper color in her skin, the whites of her eyes are actually white, she's even managed to put on some healthy weight. I can't say what's causing that, but the blood hasn't stopped, and that's far from a good sign.
"Yeah, well, I had to go watch a girl run for her life. Good times, you know," I noted that Rei went with a large meal of a steak with vegetables, "Hungry, are we?" She blushed at my comment. So cute…
"Very, yes. I skipped dinner last night, food just looked disgusting. Now, though, I could eat a horse. Mika, I take it?" Uneven appetite, sudden weight gain… I need more symptoms.
"Yeah, but she's a strong girl, she'll be fine. Shinji's in the gym now, so I guess I'll see him before bed," she lets out a light chuckle, and we share a knowing glance. We both knew what he was like when something was bothering him – just keep your distance, it's best for everyone, "So, you know what I'm about to ask."
"Then you know what my answer is. Glad we had this conversation," with a wink, she tries to dismiss my request. I've made it a habit to practically beg her every few days, especially since she started to change.
"I'm not asking you to be treated, I'm asking to let me see how you're doing. There's something going on with you, and you know it. Half an hour, that's all I'm asking," blatantly ignoring me, she continues to eat. I absolutely despise being ignored, though I've found healthier ways in dealing with it over the years. I place my hand on hers, making her eyes lock on me, "Rei, please. Just a checkup. At least for my sake. I need to know how much…" That last bit wasn't for her, and I trailed off as it escaped.
She let out a deep sigh in contemplation. I knew that she wouldn't be able to deny me this time, I took it too far, "Fine. But no needles, hear me? You have half an hour. After this, I don't want to hear about it again, got me? That's the deal."
"Deal."
We quickly changed the topic of conversation after that, having exhausted both of our patience. She finished inhaling her food long before my ramen was gone, though she made no moves to leave. Certainly she was working – her ID badge hung from her black blouse, signaling her position. I wasn't going to dismiss her, though. I loved the company. As always, we found ourselves talking about anything under the sun, and basking in the tight friendship we've formed over the last few weeks. I would never tell her something like this, but I feel at home around this woman. Such a kind heart, soft emotions, and caring persona. Opposites attract, I suppose. We had become something of the Bonnie and Clyde around this place; our appearances alone made our friendship somewhat comical. Red hair, blue eyes; blue hair, red eyes. If we ever decided to go into supervillainy, we wouldn't have to work very hard on the costumes. People had come to expect that wherever I was, Rei was close behind, and vice versa. We were the young, wild duo of Nerv, and we made no efforts to hide it.
"So, I need to get back to work," finally finishing my food, I stand up with a grunt, "I have a patient waiting for me. Ms. Ayanami, I believe, but I'd have to double check," I began to walk away, though she stayed still, "That means come on!" I hear her let out an annoyed sound. Hey, I don't care, she agreed to this. Sure, she didn't agree to do it right this minute, but she didn't say that she wouldn't, either. We quickly found ourselves in my private clinical room, and I locked the door behind us.
"No needles."
"No needles. I'm just doing the basics, alright? Pulse, blood pressure, reflexes, a little history, and so on. I just want a vague picture of how you're doing. I know you don't care, but I do," she tried to hide a blush as I threw on my lab coat, "Have a seat on the table. And unbutton a little bit, pulse comes first," maybe now I understand why she hates doctors. Even with me, her face came close to matching her eyes as she followed my orders. It's better to not acknowledge that, just ignore it. Not the first time I've seen modesty, "Just breathe normally, try to relax," she jumped as my stethoscope met her chest, though I couldn't see her face. Eyes closed, focused. That's the only way to do this, for me. Jesus, Rei, calm down. Your heart is ready to burst out of your chest. At least this makes my job easier – strong, steady rhythm, maybe a slight murmur. Nothing to concern ourselves with, given the situation, "Try and relax, okay? No needles, I swear."
"Yeah…" following my instructions, she breathes deeply, one at a time. Her lungs are absolutely wretched, she has the intake of an old smoker. I could hear the mucous and, likely, blood do their best to prevent air from entering her bloodstream. She held back a small cough on the last breath, and I put aside the stethoscope.
"This is for blood pressure, just hold still until it beeps," I clamp the tiny clip on her finger, and she follows my orders to a tee. I sigh at the high numbers.
"That doesn't do me any good, you're too nervous. Still too high, though, even if you're scared," without a medical file to expand on, I found myself filling out a general intake form. I'll work on getting those files, later.
"I told you that I didn't like doctors."
"You like me," a pen click told her I was ready, "How have you been sleeping? Any issues?"
"Yui," she chuckles, and I force the same response. I'm certainly like Shinji in this regard – I'm working, stop playing games, "But no, I'm fine. It's just my appetite that's been wavering. Some days I can't eat enough, and others even the smallest amount will make me vomit. I mean, I feel completely fine. I haven't felt this good in a long time, actually. And I look great! I love that. Admit it, I'm getting close to your level, huh?" We're not here to chat, Rei. Just answer the questions.
"When did this issue with the food start?" I caught her frowning out of the corner of my eye as I wrote.
"Shortly after I started coughing," with a sigh, I put down the clipboard. This is pointless without any history to build off of. I need more than basic intake, damn it! "Asuka? Why are you so angry at me?" To say I was caught off guard is an understatement. She had the look of a puppy staring up at me, unsure of what she did. I physically shook my head, getting rid of Work Asuka.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. My bedside manner is something I've always struggled with. I'm not angry, I'm just thinking. Okay, just a couple more things," she pales as I put on a pair of latex gloves, and I smirk at her, "It's not that kind of thing, I'm just checking your lymph nodes. Tell me if any of this hurts, alright?" She nods uneasily to me, and my hands frame her jawline. Normal sizing, if not a little hard. The left is slightly inflamed, nothing to concern myself with. Under the arms yielded the exact same results. How am I finding no outward signs? This isn't normal…
"Damn it…" almost as if she finally agreed to something she's been dreading, she grunts through her words, "Fine. You may want to check my stomach. There's a tender spot that's been an issue for a long time, a few months, and it's been starting to hurt lately," people who lie to their doctors, or give half-truths, annoy me more than anything else. It's a great way to get yourself killed.
"Thanks for telling me. Lie down, please," I made an effort to sound annoyed – she needs to know that I'm here to help, and I don't like playing these games with her. Her blush once again returned as I lift up her blouse to her ribs, and her eyes avert to across the room.
"On my right, just above my hip," as if I need your guidance to find it. Just let me do my job, I have my routines. I palpate her abdomen, and once again go through the frustration of not finding anything wrong. Her hand rests on her face as I reach below her navel, causing me to pause, "Did that hurt?" silently, she shakes her head, "Rei, be straight with me. Is it tender at all?"
"I just have to go to the bathroom. The spot is on the right," she's lying. Whatever, she'll tell me eventually. Finally meeting her demands, I reach that spot, and she instantly jumps, "Yeah, right there. Be more gentle," I obviously focused on that area for some time, and I was glad that she couldn't see my face. No sooner did I stand up that she lowered her shirt.
"We're done, thanks for allowing me to do that. I'd need further testing for details, but outwardly at least, you're far healthier than when I first got here. That spot though… just leave it be. Ibuprofen will help the pain, you can buy it at any drug store. Just an anti-inflammatory. Don't take more than 800mg in a day." We left it at that – her not wanting to know details, and me not wanting to give them. I put away my supplies as she buttons her shirt back up, still wearing that blush and unable to meet my gaze. Come on, Asuka, at least try, "I've become accustomed to the human body, there's no reason to be embarrassed. At least you weren't some old man like most of my clients. You said it yourself. You're a bombshell now, remember?" And there's the familiar smile.
"Well I didn't say that, but thanks," wasn't meant to be a compliment, but okay, "It's Friday, you know."
"Indeed it is. Just before Saturday, right after Thursday," she narrows her eyes at me, and I couldn't hold back a laugh, "Same plans?"
"Shinji is taking Yui to the surface for a carnival. As for us, same place?" we've made it a routine to make Friday be our girl's night out. Sure, we spent time together nearly every day, but this was our time to let loose. Last week was a letdown due to a birthday party in our normal bar, and because of that, I imagine we're going to go wild tonight. She's a fun drunk, simple as that.
"Of course. I choose the drinks this time, though. No more of those fruity cocktails," her reply was interrupted by a firm knock on the door, and I sigh, "Back to work, I guess. I'm sure they're wondering where you are, too. See you later?" the door slides open to reveal Mika, and Rei sends a wave my way. I was far too concerned with the angry looking girl in front of me, though, "Mika? You're early, aren't you?" silently, she enters the room and slides the door closed, taking her time to lock it, "I make appointments for a reason, you know."
"This is an emergency," her face changed ever so slightly… fear? Frantic? I can't pinpoint it, "I think Ikari hurt me. I don't know how, but he did. I saw it when I was changing, but I was too angry to deal with it."
"Whoa, slow down, deal with what? Do you have bruises? Details," standing with clenched fists, her eyes avert. I kneel down a little to meet her at eye level, "Mika, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."
"I'm bleeding. Like, a lot. And it really hurts," and just like that, Work Asuka is back. I throw on a pair of gloves and try to guide her to the table. She refused my motions, however, "I… don't want to show you."
"Mika, I'm not messing around here. If you're bleeding, we need to do something about it. Do you need stitches?" she shakes her head frantically, still refusing to look at me, "Is it just a scrape then? I said that I need details."
"It's…" she crosses her hands in front of her hips and blushes deeply. All at once, the realization hits me. I probably shouldn't have laughed, "It's not funny! You need to do something!" While I certainly felt bad about laughing, that didn't do anything to help contain myself, "What's wrong with you? This isn't some joke!"
"Calm down, calm down," I take off my gloves and sit on the table, "I'm not sure how you didn't know about this, but get used to it. Granted, you're a touch late to the game, but still. It just means you're growing up." The look of disbelief on her face was priceless, I would have killed for a picture.
The next hour or so was spent giving her a crash course on the birds and the bees. What are they teaching her in school? I went through my sex-ed class when I was ten, and even before that, I heard whispers of this cycle long before it happened. Her lack of education is very likely due to the fact that she has all but told me she's an orphan, always has been. She's never once mentioned her mother or father, and all I know is that she was largely raised by a female gang on the streets. By the end, I got her to calm down. That doesn't mean she was happy with the situation, however. I sent her on her way with a box of necessities and instructions. At least, that was the plan. Not five minutes after she left me, Mika once again graced me with her presence.
"I realized that didn't thank you. So thank you," she spat out the words, and had I been deaf, the look on her face would have told me she was insulting everything I am. Showing gratitude has never been this girl's forte.
"It's why I'm here. Have you eaten yet?" I already knew the answer, her stomach was growling through my little crash course. I didn't give her much of an option – grabbing my purse, I walk past her, "Come on, my treat."
"I'm not hungry." And yet you're following me, "And I don't need handouts."
"You know, I see a lot of myself in you. Well, at least my younger self," I think I finally understand how to talk to her. Enough of the emotional baggage of 'being there' for her. Force yourself like Misato did, don't ask for permission, "You think that you're alone, and honestly, you have been for a long time. I remember the first time I had to work with Shinji and Rei to take down an angel. I'll spare you the details, but it would have been impossible for any one of us to take it down. It just couldn't be done. We had to work together, and even though I was the one to make the final blow, it devastated me. For the first time in my life, I needed someone's help. It was forced on me, and I hated them for it. I felt violated, like a part of me went missing," we reached the cafeteria and make a straight line for the food, "Pick whatever you want."
"I said I don't need handouts."
"It's not a handout. I get your pudding," in a soft look of defeat, she orders the absolute cheapest meal on the menu, "Oh Jesus. No, scratch that," I butt her aside, "She'll have the prime rib. Tell him how you take it," whatever it is I'm doing, it seems to be working. Lips puckered and eyebrows in a furrow, she refuses to meet my eyes.
"Medium rare…"
"Anyway," I lean against the wall, waiting for her food to slide out on those cheap plastic trays, "Here's my point in all of this. There is a give and take with all relationships, that's just how they work. Our relationship is simple – you keep saving the world, I keep treating your injuries. You're giving far, far more than you're receiving. If the scales ever tip in the other way, then yeah, you should be trying to change that. But you're allowed to take help from people."
"I don't like that you're talking to me like you know me."
"But see, I do know you. No, I don't know your history, but I know that face. That one, right there," I poke her forehead, and she looks up at me with eyes that could kill, "I used to look like that. Trust me when I say that I know how you're feeling." I allowed her some time for that to sink in as we waited for her meal. She's clearly thinking about what I said, as evidenced by her silence. I'm not sure why this course of action came to me, but it's working like a charm. Allow me to channel you, Misato. Minus the ethanol dependence. Her food finally came, and with hungry eyes, she grabs the tray and walks over to an empty table. We walked far out of the way to find one that didn't have a single soul in it. Silently, she took the pudding and set it across from her, signaling my spot.
"You're a wildly strong girl, I'll give you that. But something that I had to learn the hard way was that being strong doesn't mean being alone. Even as stupid as what happened today. There's no reason puberty should have been such a surprise, but you let it be, only because you insist on being alone."
"I get it," she finally snapped at me. Anger. That means I'm breaking through! About time, "I get it, alright? Stop lecturing me." And so I did. I allowed her to eat in peace as I slowly made progress on her gift of pudding. She was certainly feeling the air of tension between us, but personally, I couldn't have been calmer. I've made more progress with her in the last half hour than I have in the past month, and I'm proud of that. Halfway through her meal, she speaks up, having a conversation with her steak, "I ran away when I was really young. Four or five, I don't know. I grew up in an orphanage, and I just got sick of the beatings, so I left. They didn't really try to stop me. I had to grow up fast. I used to beg for my food. Most people couldn't deny a homeless girl the change in their pocket, and I never had trouble getting enough for dinner. But how they looked at me…" she actually bared her teeth at the memory, "They'd say, 'Oh, you poor girl. I'm sorry I don't have more.' They looked at me with pity, and I started to look at myself like that. When they started… started to take advantage. That's when I stopped. I may have had to eat trash, but at least I didn't have to beg anymore. I got decent at pickpocketing."
"You've come a long way. You should be proud."
"I am."
Some silence passed between us after that. I felt that my duty had been fulfilled, and I was content with that. I finally got Mika to open up to me, and not only that, but she clearly trusts me. I wouldn't have dared to hope for this outcome, and I couldn't have been happier about it. I allowed her the peace of eating in silence, something that I feel she deserved. As she was finishing, I stand up with a grunt.
"Well, I need to get back to work. Nice talk, Mika. Try to rest a bit, you deserve it," beginning to walk away, I was stopped by her voice.
"Doctor," once again talking to her food, "Let's… have lunch again." She finally looks up at me, and I give her a knowing smile. Good girl.
The rest of my day was mundane – treated a few clients, went over Shinji and Mika's results for the day, same old, same old. It's amazing how boring a job related to giant mechs can be sometimes. Honestly, my time in Germany was more eventful than this, so far. I got to meet celebrities and politicians, I was making weekly appearances on talk shows, I was showered with all the fame and glory I deserved for doing what I did best. Here, though… I'm a dime a dozen. There are plenty of other very skilled doctors here, and frankly, no one cares about my fame in Germany. Not that I want them to, but the point still stands. I will admit, however, that I'm beginning to enjoy the calmer lifestyle.
I need tonight. It's been a long week, and I fully intend on dragging Rei down the rabbit hole with me. Not as if she'd deny me, I'm always the one to set the pace. Much like Shinji, she allows me complete control in most situations, at least on a social level. As close as her and I have gotten, I've also found my place in Yui's life. She's come to expect me, and if I go a few days without seeing her, Rei reports that she asks where I've been. I've come to terms with the fact that, one day, I'll be functioning as that girl's mother. I will never allow her to call me such, Asuka will do. I think that Rei is at peace with this, now that she knows me better. God, Asuka, stop thinking about this. You're going to have fun, enough of the doom and gloom.
"Dress to the nines! I've got a surprise!" I smile down at the text message from her as I make towards my room. Ever the young spirit. She's been on about wanting to go to the surface for once, I'm certain that's her plan. I don't go to the surface very often. And why would I? Nerv went far out of their way to make a small city here, and they did a very good job at it. All of the modern luxuries you'd expect from a city are available, even down to liquor stores. But hey, if that's what she wants to do, works for me.
Dress to the nines, huh? Can't say I know what that means. Dress formally? Or does she just mean dress above the norm? After sifting through a few outfits, I decide on one that would cover all bases – my favorite blood red blouse tucked into a tight short skirt. Boom, instant appeal. God, I can't wait for tonight! Rei has been in such high spirits the last few days, and I just know that she's going to be a blast tonight. And on top of that, I get to feel good about taking her away from Yui. Some father-daughter time will do the both of them good. Exactly at eight, my doorbell rings.
"We're going to paint the town red tonight, you better be ready!" with all the excitement of a schoolgirl, I open the door to be greeted by a stunning sight. It's amazing how she can make a plain black dress look so elegant. Not to be outdone by me, the low cut neck and short dress showed off enough, "Well aren't you ready for the runway? Jeez, I don't have anything that formal. Hold on, let me see if I can find something better."
"No! You look amazing, I swear. You always look good in red, it's kind of your thing," sharing a smile, we leave my home and begin walking down the empty hallways, "This place opened not too long ago, it's my first time there. I hear the food is great, and the drinks are strong."
We took a short monorail ride to a district of nothing but restaurants; everything from fast food to five-star affairs was available, and every place looked just as good as the last. We've been here once before, but the bar we visited was literally right next to the monorail, meaning this was my first time wandering the hallways here. When we finally arrived, they greeted her by name, saying that her room was ready. This place reminds me of an old bistro style pub from my time in Germany, but they went to lengths to make everything appear to be rustic, yet it was apparent nothing was older than a few weeks. It was a very welcoming atmosphere – you could hear people behind the private doors sharing a good time, and everything was in high spirits. Above all, the wonderful smell of cooking meat wafted through the air, instantly watering my mouth. The greeter leaves us to our private room, telling us that a waiter will be with us shortly.
"So then," she began as we took a seat at the solid wood table, "Tonight is my treat. You pay every time we go out, it's my turn. No holding back! Eat, drink, and be merry. That's the name of the game tonight."
And that we did. The only food we had was a shared plate of something I can't hope to pronounce, essentially fancy bread topped with oils and cheeses. Absolutely delicious, but that's not why we came. No, we're here for the ether. As to be expected, I loved my time with her. Swapping stories that I've heard before, laughing at her fading motor skills, debating on the proper way to hold a wine glass. No matter the topic, we had fun, and I've come to expect that from her. Saying that she's my best friend is a vast understatement – she's my sister. She, even more than Shinji, has reminded me what it's like to be close to someone, and I love her for that. Though I'd never tell her… at least, that's what sober Asuka would say.
"You know, Rei. You're a great girl. Like, really great," the fact that I sound like Misato bothers me greatly, and the words were far easier to form in my head, "You're my best friend. I love you, Wondergirl!" Eh, I suppose that got the point across enough. She certainly knows where I'm coming from. At this point, I've completely forgotten the context, but she had a very good reason for coming over to my side of the booth. She didn't see the need to move back, likely because she would have more trouble walking than me.
"Funny how we got so close. I hated you when we were kids. Hated," her tone made me laugh, and she reveled in it, "I love you too," so soft, so sweet. She's one of the rare people that tells the truth with her eyes, and the small smile warmed me up.
"Whoa, bring it back a few notches. It's getting too serious in here," she poured the last two shots of whatever we were drinking from the bottle, and held up the small glass to me.
"To new found friendships." With a clank, we downed the last of our drink. By the time we called it a night, it was morning, at least by definition. Two in the morning allows for an uninterrupted walk home, which is great, considering we must have looked insane. We long since ditched the high heels we both thought were such a wonderful idea before the alcohol kicked in, and I found comfort in leaning on her as we walked. After what felt like an eternity, we were stumbling into my home and falling back onto the sofa. If last week is any indication, we'll wake up right here tomorrow morning with headaches large enough to take down a god.
"Really, though," she slurred through her words as her head fell to the side to look at me. I copied her motion, and smirked at her state. I certainly don't look any better, "You're… great. Thank you for being there for me."
"And thank you for turning into someone I can sort of stand to be around," I can always make her laugh, and that brightens my day.
I was far too inebriated to really register what was going on. I think that I may have noticed what she was doing, but just thought nothing of it. Or maybe I was just blind completely. Regardless, my mind finally kicked into gear when I felt her gentle breath on my lips and a hand slide behind my head. I was stunned, certainly I was mistaken about something here. Such soft lips met mine, and her familiar smell overwhelmed my body. It must have been no more than a couple seconds before I pulled back and looked at her with angry confusion.
"Rei!" I pulled back and pushed her away, yelling through clenched teeth. That face… I finally understood. Her blushing, her modesty, her constant desire to be around me. Somewhere along the line, I let this get out of hand and allowed her to believe in something that simply wasn't there. She looked at me with shock for a moment before bolting up.
"I'm so sorry!" I hang my head and grab her wrist, preventing her from leaving. You dug your grave, Asuka. You led on a dying girl with the hope of a last love, it doesn't matter what you feel anymore. You told her that you loved her, damn it. How else was she supposed to take that? Maybe if I had explained… but no, it's way too late for that. Allow her some comfort for once in her life.
It took me some time to get my bearings in the morning. Initially, I was more than confused to find myself laying with her on the sofa, both of us half-clothed. Images of the night previous flooded my mind, and I rubbed the bridge of my nose in disgust. God, what did I do to her? How did I let it get that far? I never even considered she felt that way about me, and the fact that I missed something so blatant infuriates me. That was a date. She took me out on a date, she made no secret about it, and I allowed it. You should be ashamed.
Still sleeping, she edged closer to me, clearly trying to get warm in her dream. She was down to nothing but panties, though I can't say I was much better. No, we stopped just short, but that doesn't make any of this better. I wanted to let her sleep, I really did, but I couldn't feel her against me anymore. Thankfully, she was out like a light, and I left her under a blanket as I took a shower to wash away the regret. I finally exit the bathroom in a pair of lounging pants and shirt just in time to see her sliding on her dress. Our eyes meet for an instant, and we both snap away with a blush.
"I… don't regret it," the feeling of disgust took me over as I crossed my arms, still avoiding her gaze, "And I hope you don't, either," just stay quiet, Asuka. Ignore the elephant, "Alcohol, right?" she nervously laughs, and I stay silent. I can't think of a single thing to say, "I meant it, though. What I said."
"Yeah…" barely above a whisper, but her smile told me she heard it.
"We got it out of our systems. Let's just leave it at that," I finally couldn't help but look at her. Apparently letting her do the talking paid off, "Like, I get it. Maybe if things were different, but… Shinji's not going anywhere. I am. I'm just glad that… well, you know," we finally smile at each other. I'll let her believe what she said, I'll even encourage it if the time comes. She deserves that much.
"Yeah. Me too." As if we were teenagers the morning after our first time, we stood there for a while in complete silence. I'm relieved beyond words that she did the talking for me, but none of that takes away what was actually done. An overwhelming sense of guilt is still hovering over me, and the longer she stares at me, the worse it gets. God, just leave, please. I can't stand that face of yours right now.
"Be honest," she holds out her arms and weakly smiles, "How bad do I look right now?"
"I'm sorry Rei, but…" those spat words must have sounded harsh, though it was far from my intention, "I need some time alone. To think, you know?" defeated, she lowers her arms, "A lot happened. We're fine, I swear. I just need to figure out how to handle this." I can't stand lying to her like this. Thankfully, I don't think she even considered that I may be stretching the truth.
"Honestly Asuka, there's nothing to handle. We let ourselves go, won't happen again, that's the end of that. You and Shinji are engaged, I won't come between that. Just promise me that we're alright. I don't want to regret what we did," just leave! Take the damn hint and go!
"Rei, we're fine, I just need some time alone," I spoke in a much more firm tone than before, trying to get my point across. At this point, she's learned the difference between my angry voice and my stern one. With a soft smile, she grabs her handbag and makes for the door, "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize, it's not like you. Dinner tonight?" a single nod acted as her affirmation. Saturday night meant dinner with the four of us – Shinji, Yui, Rei, and I. Honestly, I'm not looking forward to this at all.
After she left, my day turned into nursing a blasting headache. Dehydration, I should have drank more water. Nothing to be done at this point, I suppose.
Spending a couple hours under the sheets in a dark room does wonders for the thought process. My initial guilt was unfounded, I've decided. At least, the overwhelming weight of it. I absolutely deserve to feel guilty about leading her on like this, there is no doubt about that. However, on the other hand, I'm giving a dying woman her last flicker of love. All it requires of me is to play along, she's already demonstrated that she's willing to do the talking. But still, what I said…
In Germany, the custom of love is far different than most of the rest of the world. Ich liebe dich - I love you. It's not something you say to your parents, that's disgusting. It's meant specifically for a significant other, someone you are attracted to. That phrase carries a sliver of sexual desire behind it. In short, you don't say that offhandedly like so many other cultures do. It is a massive step for a couple to start proclaiming love, as it should be. However, with my life spent under the guide of several cultures, this has been somewhat lost in me. In my mind, when I say that I love Shinji, I mean it in the German sense of the word. When I told Rei I loved her, I meant it in the American respect, something I picked up from an old American mentor of mine. They may as well be different words in my mind, or at the very least homophones.
This is not about me, though. I'm going to continue to love her in the way she thinks I do. Given what she said, I very much doubt that we'll be anywhere close to that scenario again, a prospect I'm elated about. Regardless of that, I know her, and I know that she will flirt with me. I'll carry on, I suppose. If that's all I need to do to make her happy, I'm glad to do it. I just want her to die with a smile on her face, she deserves it.
Unfortunately, I've also since come to the conclusion of what she sees in me, and how in turn Shinji should see me. I'm still young, I acknowledge that. For all my brain power and credentials, I'm still a woman in her early twenties, and I have a lot of growing up to do. Shinji was my fixation for half of a decade – everything I did, I did for him. I turned into a monster for that man, and now that I'm back… it's lackluster, at best. Had I not left, I would have married him on the spot in that airport, and I stand by that. I loved that boy with every cell in my body. However, the man he turned into, it's not the same person. Not even close. Him and I, we should have what I have with Rei. An effortless relationship, something we look forward to. It's almost as if spending time with him is a chore, something I'm expected to do because he's my fiancé. I rarely want to be with him, if I'm being honest with myself. It's not at all that I dislike him, it's that I don't love him.
My heart sank at that realization, and I unintentionally curled into a ball. What do you mean you don't love him? Yes you do. You fought for him, you cast aside every moral you had for him. Of course you love him. Look at your hand, look at it right now. See that ring? It's the symbol of the first person that ever cared enough about you to say it. Don't pretend like you don't hear those screams in your sleep – she will always haunt you, and that's okay, because it was for him. Stop crying! You don't deserve the luxury! You've made your bed, and now it's time to sleep in it. You don't get to play with people's emotions like this! You led on a dying woman, do you understand that? She's in her room right now, smiling ear to ear, because she thinks she found love before she has to leave. She didn't even assume it! You literally told her you loved her! And Shinji. In no uncertain terms, he made it clear that you're the one he fights for. That you're the reason the world still exists. How dare you take that away from him? You're disgusting.
"Just shut up!" I look around the room as if there was someone there yelling at me. With a sigh, I stand up and rub my eyes. I do believe that it's more than a perfect time to throw myself into my work. That's the best medicine for me, always has been. Ignore your problems by becoming obsessed with work. It's how I got through my time in Germany, and it's how I'll get through… whatever this is. Dawning a bland, somber outfit of black slacks and a black blouse, I leave my home as I throw on a lab coat.
Hours were spent in what I consider my safe space – my work mind. I had more than enough test results to go over, enough ailments to try and resolve. What I adore about this mode of mine is the solitude. I'm able to completely lose myself in my work. For a time, I become a robot. People talk about going into auto-pilot when driving home during a long commute, and I can sympathize with that. Often times, I hardly remember the work that I accomplished. Even so, I know that it was done damn well.
Unknown hours pass, and I come to the conclusion that my headache is likely not from dehydration at this point. My growling stomach agreed. I wasn't done being distracted yet, but there's not much to be done. Setting down the pen a bit more aggressively than what was really needed, I stand and shuffle my way to the cafeteria. At this off hour, I expect to have a table to myself. I very well would have, and I planned on spending some quality time with an unhealthy but carbohydrate-loaded meal of ramen. The pudding thrown to my side had different plans, however.
"Got plans for this table?" It was less of a question and more of a statement. Mika took her place across from me with a nearly identical meal on her tray, "Do you mind?" Now that one was a genuine question.
"Not at all." Very much so. But I can't say no to her, at least not after the conversation we had yesterday. I wonder if she knows what a hangover is…
"Too much a drink last night?" Apparently, "Didn't think doctors knew how to cut loose. I always thought it was all grindstone for your types."
"You're too young to know what a hangover looks like," a cocky smile as she took a slurp, "You don't look so hot yourself." She's looked worse, but she's looked a lot better. Somewhat sweat-matted hair framed a face that was already to display a swollen left upper lip. Her knuckles were raw and had several small gashes, "Shinji?"
"Ikari. But no. Akira. And James. And Tatsumi. And… what's the new kid's name? The American black kid."
"… Kendal?" He's built like a damn linebacker.
"And Kendal. Sparring, you know the drill. Just a workout. Seriously, Ikari needs to be harder on them." She went on with this topic, but I couldn't get past how dismissive she was about the situation. It's almost like she has no idea what a force she is. She must though, there's no way she's blind to that. Perhaps just cocky? I did tell her that she reminded me of myself, after all, "Hey, are you listening? I said you should check Akira out. He got knocked out, I think he was taken to the infirmary."
"You mean you knocked him out." A dismissive shrug and another mouthful of food. Jesus. "So you had a bit of frustration to get out, I take it."
"I need to get better. I froze out there yesterday, I couldn't even fight back. I've never been that scared in my life. The only way that I'm going to get better is to train, and this is the only way I know how. I can't rely on Ikari forever. I don't like being scared. I'm not that weak anymore." She spoke in an accusatory manner, as if I brought this up. I could hear an ever so faint whisper of fear still in her voice, but it was masked by feigned aggression. She's far too mature for her age. Adults tend to compliment children when they behave beyond their years, but to me, it's saddening. It means they've seen too much already; they've lost their innocence.
"Then what's your plan? Beat your body into oblivion? As your doctor, I can tell you that your method is a great way to be forced into early retirement."
"Ikari did it."
"Ikari is a grown man, and you're a twelve year old girl." She hissed as she went back to eating, "I mean it. Like it or not, your body can't handle the stress you're putting it through," I had more to add to that, but her rolled eyes cut me off. I can understand pre-teen attitude, but this girl has more than crossed a line, "Mika, just what exactly do you see when you look in the mirror? When you're alone in your room, no eyes on you other than your own, how would you describe that girl staring back at you?"
"Weak." Absolutely no hesitation.
"Why weak?"
"Because I'm a scared little girl fighting monsters." She jumped out of her skin when I slapped the table in frustration.
"Cut it. I'm going to ask you again. What do you see in the mirror?" For once, she seemed to legitimately contemplate my question. This is my only way to communicate with her. She sees normal conversations as petty foreplay, something to not be taken seriously. I need to remember who I'm talking to. Nearly a minute of her playing with her ramen passed.
"I don't see myself. I'm tough. I can fight with the men. And win. I don't suffer through my pain, I enjoy it. It means I'm getting better, that I'll feel it less next time. I have no sympathy when I'm fighting, I get to disconnect. I could kill a man and sleep perfectly well that night. I'm ruthless. But then there's this damn girl looking back at me. This weak, frail, ugly, emotional child. I'm killing her, burying her. And she knows it. She's fighting back. I'm winning." That god-awful stare again… strands of black matte hung over her eyes and she slumped over, and for a moment, I swore she was ready to leap over the table. She's an absolute animal, and it scares me to no end. I've never seen a look on a human like that before, and it literally sent chills down my spine, "I'm…" she shook her head and brushed the hair out of her face, blushing slightly, "I'm sorry. That was too much, you startled me, I didn't mean-"
"Honey," she was still shaking by the time I put my hand on her forearm. The look she gave me when she saw my smiling face was heartbreaking, "It's alright." Tears began to well up in her eyes, and I withdrew my hand, "No tears. Choke it back. I'm not telling you to bottle it up, I'm telling you to get it out other ways. Teach a punching bag a lesson, that's what I do." I finally got a weak chuckle out of her! Progress, that's what I call it. "You're a smart girl, let's have an adult talk. There's a concept called cognitive dissonance. Think of it like contradicting yourself. A common example is a beaten woman who keeps going back to her boyfriend doing the beating. I think that's what's going on here. You don't like how people look at you. You complain about looking like a frail little girl, but you're wearing a cartoon shirt."
"It's anime."
"It's weird. I got freaked out when Shinji was first going to fight you because of how you were dressed. But that look you gave me back then made me back off. I could see you weren't who you looked to be. I think we need to fix that." I gulp the last of my soup and stand up, grabbing the pudding on the way up, "Eat, get showered, and get dressed. You know where my office is, come find me when you're ready." It's about time that this girl gets to act like a girl. She's at a point in her life that she needs to find out who she is, and she's clearly struggling with that.
"Dr. Shikinami," she stopped me as I began to walk off, "What do you see in the mirror?"
"A weak, frail, ugly, emotional child. See you in an hour." We exchanged a knowing smirk before my departure.
Holding true to our plans, she showed up at my door showered and noticeably wearing a plain white shirt. Surprisingly, she didn't pester indecently on where exactly we were going. It's not as if I was subtle, surely she knew we were on our way to buy her an outfit. At least, if she didn't, she knew when I told the cabbie to take us to a mall. This girl really is something else. She tries her best to hide her emotions, but she's far too young to have mastered it. She was downright giddy, and it was adorable. I may not know much of her past, but I know that she grew up beyond poor. She deserves this. When we finally got to the mall, I let her take the reins. Walking slightly behind her, I allowed her to lead the way and choose where she wanted to go. Typically, she avoided the major chains as if they were plagued. She refused to even entertain the idea, even with punk-styled mannequins in the windows. I very much expected us to make our way into a gothic clothing store – buckles and studs seem to be her style, but she openly mocked the teens gathered around the doorway. When one took a step towards her, the glare that she's managed to weaponize made him back away. When we passed that store, I legitimately gave up on finding what she wanted. Even she was discouraged by the end of our trip, I could see it. Maybe this was a bad idea. I openly mocked her style to get her here in the first place, and it's turning out that she doesn't even have a style. That's a great way to get a girl's confidence up. We were making our way to the exit, both of our heads hung low, when something finally caught her eye. Wilderness apparel. How fitting.
I need to take back what I said about her. I thought that she reminded me a lot of myself when I was her age, but she was right. I didn't know her. She's far stronger than I ever was as a child, far more confident in what she knows. I fought because I felt that I needed to, she fights because she legitimately enjoys it. She actually doesn't care what people think about her, so long as she's comfortable in her own skin. Most adults have trouble with this concept of life, I'm more than impressed with her. I think that this aspect is why I need to be so aggressive when talking to her. She sees people's conversations as a waste of time, too much fluff. She appreciates my willingness to fight her back, something she's clearly been lacking in her life. You were right, Mika. I didn't know you, but I surely do now. And you should be proud of yourself.
It took a bit of convincing, but I got past her modesty and encouraged her to pick out a wardrobe's worth of clothing. All on my tab, of course. Jean shorts, boots, tank tops, flannel shirts, rugged watches and accessories. She may look like she's ready to go hiking, but it's how she wants to look. That was the entire point. Her air of confidence was radiant – shoulders back and head up. When she looked at herself in the mirror, she said that the girl looking back was tough. She recognized her reflection, and she was more than happy with it. In a repeat of when I first met her, she embraced me in a tight hug. She lingered for a bit this time, though, and I could feel her sincerity in the touch. Such a sweet girl, she doesn't deserve this kind of life.
By the time we got home, it was quickly encroaching on dinner time. She, no doubt, scurried off to her room to ogle the fabrics. Although I was already dressed for the occasion, I couldn't bring myself to go to Rei's room. I'm not avoiding her, it's that I need this time to mentally prepare myself. I'm far from over what I did last night, and I need to ensure we stay… normal. More than anything, that's what I want. What I'm terrified of is that our relationship became unbelievably complicated overnight. I need her in my life right now, and I can see this coming between us. But it's not her. It's me. I trust that she knows how to separate these aspects of our relationship, but I'm far from trusting myself. The logical side of me is insisting that there's nothing to be done at this point, that I can't change what's already happened. The emotional side is still trying to process just how I let this happen. No, I need to focus on making us normal. There's literally no other option, it's a matter of moving on. She's a smart woman, I trust her to take the lead on that.
Something, however, that I certainly need to take the lead on is Shinji. And myself, for that matter. As I preach to people, I'm no psychologist, but a freshman would be able to diagnose me with one ailment or another. That man was my obsession for so very long that it became the Holy Grail of my life. I was absolutely refusing to admit that I didn't love him anymore, and while it still makes me physically ill to even think it, he's not the man I want. He's a good man, no debating that, just not mine. Frankly, I'm coming to terms that I'm more stable alone. Better off to have never loved than to deal with it when it inevitably falls apart. As of late, Adala has been haunting me more and more in my dreams. Rather, what I put her through replays incessantly, grinding at what little sanity is left. Guilt, surely. I'll get over it, I have no doubts about that, but she's the embodiment of why I can't drag people into my life. Romantically, at least. Without a set expiration, I expect people to stay by me forever. Simply unrealistic. Humans are fickle things, both in mind and in spirit. This is especially true when endorphins are in play. Perhaps my mentality would have played out much differently had I taken a different road, but the bed has been made, so the saying goes. I'm perfectly happy in my little bubble of medicine. The only anguish I've experienced these last years was over him – not his fault, mind you, but he was the epicenter of this madness.
Nervous habits. I'm jolted back to reality when my teeth finally break the skin of my cheek. It's enough, Asuka. You're allowed to move on. Enough turmoil, enough anxiety, enough literal beatings. You tried to make this… mess work. It simply didn't. That's right, set the ring on the night stand. Mull it over, but we both know what you'll end up deciding. You like expiration dates, the finality of it all.
I could smell dinner wafting through the hallways as I made my way to the familiar doorway. Cheap construction doesn't do much to hide smell or sound, and I could hear the clattering of pans through the door. Frustrated clattering, almost intentional. Three knocks, then two. That's my signature, she always knows that it's me.
"Yui, could you get the door?" a television in the background, no movement, "Yui, the door." Same cadence, followed by a frustrated mumbling that I couldn't quite make out. The electric door slides open to reveal a clearly flustered Rei, dirty apron and all, "Sorry, she's… in a mood. Come in, come in."
"What's going on? You look like you've-"
"Been raising a girl by myself, yeah," she turns and storms back to the dirty kitchen, going back to the dishes in the sink, "Here's a shocker for you. Canceled, again. Some reason or another, I don't know." Through her ranting, I look to the side to see Yui angrily watching some nature show on television, cross legged a few feet from the television, "And now I have an angry child that refuses to eat, meaning the dinner I literally worked hours on is going right into the fridge. Not like I'm tired, you know. Not like I followed up with him to make damn sure he wouldn't do this again," a slammed pan made Yui jump, but her eyes didn't break from the television, "It doesn't matter. None of it matters. I'm just some damn housewife until he has someone to replace me, right?"
"Rei, hey, calm down," not for your sake, for hers. You're better than this. She continued angrily cleaning, yelling at the suds she was making.
"Not that it'll take long. Perfect life, right? Great job, great looks, someone gets to just step in and pick up where I leave off. Have fun with the bastard." One hit too hard broke a plate, and Yui finally made a break for her room, slamming the door behind her. With a sigh, she plants her hands around the sink and leans over it, "Dinner's canceled, if you didn't pick that up. Just… go, okay?" For once, I didn't know how to handle her. This was a side of Rei I've yet to see, but it's one that's been boiling for quite some time clearly, "I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"I'd rather talk tonight."
"You know what, Asuka?" She turns and takes off the gloves, tossing them onto the counter, "I wouldn't. Go." Don't do this to me now Rei, come on. I needed you tonight.
"We could have dinner, you know. Just you and me." Pathetic. Don't sound so needy.
"Asuka…" she literally twitches her top lip, showing her fangs, "I said go." With a weak smile, I hold up my left hand, palm against my chest. She saw, I know she did. In a repeat of what I did to Mika, she slams her fist onto the table, "Get out of my house!" It was beyond a yell. That was a banshee howl, one that sent her into another coughing fit. When it escalated to her holding her stomach and slumping to her knees, I hurry over and place a hand on her back. There's a familiar flash of red in the hand covering her mouth. Please Rei, just calm down. Let it out, but not at me.
The coughing slowly subsided, but not before enough blood flowed to slightly wet the ground. The violent reaction was replaced gradually with muffled weeps, although she ignored what little embrace I had on her. She cried there, she may as well have been alone, kneeling on the ground on all fours like a dying animal. The weeping turns to silent sobs as she laid her forehead on the blood stained ground, and I found myself joining in her self-pity. As best as I could, I swear to you, I held her. She had none of it, and the smell of her back did nothing to dampen my occasional tear.
We gathered ourselves, albeit very slowly. Well over an hour passed before our eyes met, and the anguish I saw in her will be hard to forget. I helped the woman up onto her weak knees, offered a damp cloth, and cleaned what little mess was left on the floor. She expertly wiped the blood from her mouth, something she's gotten far too proficient at. She knows that she doesn't have long. It's not hard to see, let alone feel for yourself. We stood there for a moment, just a foot apart, staring at each other. I assume that neither one of us knew what next move should be made – I surely didn't. I wanted her in a hospital immediately, but even I've given up that dream. She had a much more productive measure. With an unsure face, she took a step towards me and embraced me in the weakest hug I've been a part of. I was her tree, offering a much harder embrace in return.
A/N – Wow, so… yeah, I'm terrible at finishing stories. Kind of lost my fuel after how negatively the last chapter was received, honestly. Although, even after all this time, I stand by what I wrote. Asuka's darkness is the entire point of this story. Regardless, given that the Evangelion hype has died down ever since the fourth movie was severely delayed, I very much doubt this chapter will be read by many people. Perhaps, we'll see. The next chapter will be the final installment, and I'm nearly halfway finished with it as of now. While this may be my worst received story, it's personally my favorite by far, and I'd like to see it to the end. I'm actually looking to reformat the story into a stand-alone short novel, but we'll see what the future holds. Until next time, keep on keepin' on!
A/A/N – Good God, have I really been at this for over ten years? I really need to start writing real stories.