One Mistake Chapter 4, an evangelion fanfic

Author's Ramblings:

Okay, as I promised, I managed to put this chapter up pretty soon.

To be honest, the first draft of this was written for a long, long time.

In fact it was the first piece I wrote for this story, everything else originated from here and from the idea:

"What would happen to Asuka if she had to experience the mind rape and found her mother's spirit in Unit 02, but then third impact didn't happen?"

At the end of last chapter I promised angst, but now upon rereading this once again, I feel it's actually more than angst.

It's pretty dramatic or maybe melodramatic, not so much "angsty."

Sorry, I guess I was influenced by the original german meaning of Angst, which simply translates into fear in English.

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At the end of this chapter I'm going to talk a bit more about the whole thing and my motivations for it.

I'm hard at work with the next chapter, but some pieces are still missing and right now it sort of doesn't synch perfectly.

Spoken words are set in ""

Thoughts are italic

Bold is the original series script, as far as I could make it out.

Disclaimer: I don't own NGE or its characters, but I'd sure like to.

All rights stay with the owner, which is sad, or probably good, because from an artistic point of view, the canon ending of EOE is probably better than all the happy endings we fanfic writers scribble.

One Mistake:

Chapter Four:

Miasma of the mind:

Months have passed.

Rei soon was allowed to leave the hospital and returned to her dreary, run-down apartment.

It had been damaged by the fighting, but the first child really didn't care.

Shinji tried to persuade his sister to join Misato, Asuka and him, but the white haired girl declined and Shinji simply lacked the skills to convince her otherwise.

So for the time being he agreed to let her have her way.

Misato somehow managed to keep in control of her pain and loss and her drinking habits.

In her opinion it was because the promise she made to herself to be the best guardian possible for her young charges, didn't allow her to fall into despair.

While the relationship between Asuka and Shinji steadily evolved for the better, it was not without setbacks, basically Asuka was still strong-willed and self-centered and Shinji still was fast to cower in defeat and desired peace more than anyything else.

These behaviour was so ingrained in both their psyches, that it wasn't prone to change in a relatively short amount of time.

Somewhere in the United States Seele 07 – George Wilkens sits and waits his time.

He hasn't been found and can be relatively certain he is safe now.

Inside him his hatred for the Children boils and burns and festers into black tar.

"Don't enter into me!

No! Please! Don't look inside my mind!

Please! Don't invade my mind anymore."

"Oh Gott, bitte hilf mir. God, help me!"

Asuka whimpered, with the voice of a small child.

"Somebody help me. Stop him! Bitte!

Not again, not again. NOOOOOOOOO!"

But it was no use, she was still caught in the Angel's beam. helpless while he eroded her defences and turned her into a puddle of weakness and shame...

"Shinji, help me! Save me, please! Rette mich! Rette mich! Don't let it get to me!

What are you doing there? You won't do anything! You don't help me! You won't even hold me!"

As if what happened to her mind wasn't enough, three bulky dark shadows emerged around her inside the LCL-filled cockpit. She looked at them without understanding, her body still shaking and flailing around under Arael's psychic attack.

They were nothing more than dark silhouettes, as if pure nothing had somehow distilled into corporeal form.

They emanated an almost tangible menace.

Two of the shadows grabbed her helpless body, pinning it down onto her seat, while the third ripped her plugsuit apart.

A double row of sharp white teeth opened in the shadowy figures, where the head would be on a human.

Forming into a gruesome and terrifying grin.

Arael's loud laughing resounded through her mind, while he continued to assault her will with everything she had locked up inside her mind.

"It's not real." she told herself. "It's only in my head. Not real. Not…"

The grin ever widening the dark shadows reached out for her naked, helpless body."

She jerked up in her bed, a scream still hanging in the air.

Her shirt had rode all up to below her breasts, she was covered in sweat and the darkness around her was menacing.

The german girl was panting heavily, forcing the hot summer air into her aching lungs.

Frantically her fumbling fingers searched for her reading lamp on her bedside table.

"Don't break it! Don't! It has to be here somewhere! Where? Where?

Oh, thank god!"

She switched on the small lamp beside her bed and the darkness retreated to the edges of her room.

She was still shaking and couldn't stop it.

She pulled her knees up to her body and her shirt down over them, embraced her legs with both arms and pressed her face into her knees.

She was covered in damp, salty sweat, the wide shirt and cotton shorts, she wore at night were clinging to her skin, her normally so luscious red hear was wet as well and strands of it seemed almost glued to her face and shoulders with sweat.

"This last part never even happened. Is my Mind actively looking for ways to hurt me even more?

Oh Gott! Why am so weak? I can't stand it! I just can't take it anymore! I wanna die! I wanna die!"

Unwanted tears welled up in her eyes and ran over her cheeks.

She was always afraid now, always.

Whenever she was alone she had the feeling of invisible evil eyes watching her.

In the dark it was even worse.

She saw horror in every shadow.

The great Asuka Langley Soryu reduced to a shivering bundle of fear.

Shaking under her blanket, which she had pulled up over her head, like a small child afraid of monsters.

And that was exactly what was happening, only that Asuka knew her monsters to be real.

They were a winged angel named Arael and the terrible, smiling visages of the MP-Evas.

Again and again she dreamed about the moment when the MP-EVA's weapon had transformed into an exact copy of the Lance of Longinus and her timer run out.

With wide opened eyes she stared at the weapon, about to enter into her EVA's head.. .

Only that in her dream no Unit 01 was there to catch the weapon. It speared right through her EVA's armour and Asuka cried out in pain as her eye was gouged out by the attack,

And it didn't stop there. In her dream she and her EVA were shredded to pieces by their enemies and Asuka felt all of it.

She died, defiant but without a chance.

No Shinji by her side, no glorious victory against overwhelming odds.

She and her mother's spirit died screaming in these dreams.

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Still these dreams weren't by far the worst. At least she knew it didn't happen.

No, dreaming about Arael was much. much worse, and got even worse every day.

By now the MP-Eva dream was just a part of the whole Arael ordeal.

And every night her mind seemed to conjure new terrifying visions.

The dark silhouettes being the latest addition.

It felt like her unconsciousness had become a deadly enemy.

Of course she didn't tell anybody and showed the same Asuka to the world as always.

Nevertheless, the fact that she hadn't gotten more than 1-2 hours of sleep each night for the past month began to show.

The flawless front she showed the world, had more and more cracks. Wide cracks.

Shadows under her eyes.

Her normally perfect complexion had began to look pale and sick.

And her temper flared even higher than normal, last week she had, broken Kensuke's little finger, Toji's nose and Shinji had a black eye and a big bruise around his mouth and on the left cheek.

All the progress she had made in the last 4-5 months gone, just like it never had been there to begin with.

And yesterday she had slapped Hikari, when an innocent question made her so angry, that she lost control.

Hikari, of all people. Her only real friend besides Shinji.

Asuka could still see the shocked expression on her gentle friends face, as she held her hand over the flaming imprint the german girl's hand had left on her cheek.

A single tear had run down Hikari's cheek.

Asuka broke down crying before Hikari, sobbing one apology after another.

She didn't care at this moment whether anyone saw it or not.

Thankfully they were alone in the girls shower then, but still...

Hikari forgave her instantly but Asuka couldn't stop crying.

Soon Hikari was sitting beside her friend, embracing the slim redhead, gently stroking her hair, while Asuka pressed her face into Hikari's shoulder and cried and cried.

After a while Asuka had finally managed to stop crying, but it felt so good to be held, and when Hikari asked, she told her about the nightmares, but didn't go into any detail..

Of course she didn't admit how much they had shaken her confidence.

In truth there were just two things that made her feel safe anymore.

One was when she was sitting in her EVA, with her mom's loving presence all around her and the second was whenever Shinji was around.

It was ridiculous. The great, fearless Asuka Langley Soryu only felt safe when timid, yellow-bellied Shinji was around.

Well, he had saved her life a few times now and he was always there when she needed him (the one exception being what happened with Arael and afterwards).

Only that she knew, they wouldn't have let him come to her help and after that she had done everything to push him away.

That's why she felt she could trust him and she was pretty certain about how he felt for her...

Still it was so humiliating to have to depend on him.

„How does he even manage that, he seems to be like he always was, just calmer, more in control of himself and more confident."

It didn't matter at all!

Of course it wasn't possible to go to him for help, she'd never admit it, she would fight this on her own.

That was her decision and she wouldn't succumb to her weakness.

At least it had been her decision, but now... She didn't really care anymore for what she had decided on.

The problem was she couldn't fight it anymore, what she had told herself after she woke up was true.

She would rather be dead than endure this any longer.

And since she didn't want to die, not now when she finally managed to open up to somebody, there was really only one option left. ´

Meaning that, because Misato didn't allow her to sleep in her EVA, she could only go to Shinji.

It wasn't easy for her to come to terms with this, but in the end she knew there was no other way.

After fighting with her stubbornness for another thirty minutes, she had enough of it.

Sighing loudly, she finally stood up and hurried to the door to turn the regular room lighting on.

Then she felt safe enough to quickly change clothes and comb her hair.

She certainly couldn't come to Shinji looking like a frightened baby.

No way. She still had what was left of her pride.

She grabbed her pillow and blanket and walked to her door.

She opened it and fumbled for the switch for the corridor lights, without looking into the dark corridor before her.

When she had flicked it on, she lost no time and quickly hurried to Shinji's room..

The moment she entered, she felt better.

"Impossible. Why, why? He's such a wimp he's always much more afraid than I am. It's not fair. Not Fair! Why did this have to happen to me?I didn't deserve this. I don't!

All I ever could depend on was myself and now I'm even losing that?"

Each step towards his bed was a struggle with herself.

"He likes you, he said so, he will be glad to help. And you don't hate him, in fact you might even... No, no Asuka, don't go there."

She reluctantly kneeled beside his bed, switched on his reading lamp and dropped her pillow and blanket on the ground next to the bed.

After another moment of uncertainness, while her eyes wandered through the small and neatly clean room, she started to shake Shinji rather roughly.

"Shinji. Shinji. Wake up. Wake up you Baka."

Finally he turned around to her, his eyes not really open and with a big grin on his face he said.

"Asuka you're here, come here my darling."

And with this he pulled the surprised girl down to his face and planted a long and serious kiss on her lips, catching her in an embrace.

For one moment Asuka fought against it, but then she let herself go limp and returned his kiss hungrily. She was surprised about her reaction, yet somehow it felt like it was the right thing to do.

In fact it seemed like the perfect thing to do.

This time it was a real kiss, not this stupid prank she had pulled on him last year, not the small, short pecks on cheek or lips she had given to him in recent months.

No, it was a real kiss and it was oh so sweet.

Asuka had a funny feeling in her stomach as if butterflies were flying around in it.

The girl closed her eyes and let herself sink onto his bed, embracing him, pulling herself closer to him until she could feel the warmth of his body through the thin blankets. Fireworks seemed to explode behind her eyes, as she allowed herself to get lost in his caress.

Like with a magic eraser all thoughts of fear and nightly terror were gone instantly.

Suddenly the kissing stopped and when Asuka slowly opened her eyes with a sound of discomfort, her lips pursed, ready to continue, she saw Shinji's dark blue eyes staring at her in horror.

"Nani! A- Asuka, what are you doing?"

The boy shivered in fear of what might come next. It had felt like heaven, in fact so much so that he finally wasn't able to convince himself anymore, that he was just dreaming, but knowing Asuka, the glimpse of heaven could easily lead into an eternity of hell.

Asuka felt rejected somehow and this rejection made her angry.

Quickly she sat up again, crossed her arms in front of her breast and put on a menacing expression.

"Me, I didn't do anything, I just came in here to ask you something and you grabbed me and started kissing me. You dirty, pervert, Baka. You Ecchi, you"

Each of the last seven words louder than the one before until she growled the last. "You" at him. slapping him over the head.

He winced and tried to retreat, but she caught his ear and twisted. Now he yelped.

"If you ever do something like this again or dare to boast about it to your stupid hentai friends, I'll give you a good arse-whupping!"

Shinji was so afraid he could only nod, retreating as far from her as it was possible without actually falling out of his bed.

Strangely enough, seeing this reaction, Asuka felt a sharp pain in her chest.

"Didn't he like it?"

She asked herself.

"Doesn't matter, that's not what this is about.."

She stared at him shooting arrows out of her eyes for a while.

Her ragged breathing slowly returned to normal and her flushed cheeks returned to their usual colour.

Shinji watched her silently from the other end of the futon, then finally he asked in a hushed voice.

"Asuka, what did you want?"

"Huh?"

"Y...you said you wanted to ask me something. How can I help you?"

"You, help me? As if Baka."

For a moment he looked quite angry, before he reverted to his usual gentle ways.

"She comes into my room in the deep of the night let's me kiss her and then she acts like this..."

"Then what did you want to ask?"

The question was like a cold shower for the german girl.

All the easing of the terror the kiss and the following banter had provided was lost instantly, when she had to remember her nightmares.

"Oh Gott! I can't go through with it. How can I actually believe, he could help me?"

The problem was, a a part of her was sure he could indeed help her and she absolutely couldn't live through another night like this.

She swallowed, hard.

Maybe she swallowed part of her pride with it.

She began to speak, as fast as possible, because she was afraid she might stop herself.

"Shinji, I do really need your help. I really, really do. Sorry for all this just now.

You see.. for months I've had this terrible nightmares and they are getting worse everyday.

I really can't continue like this,

I can't sleep properly for almost a month now.

And I'm at my limits. That's why I hit you so hard last Friday and on Tuesday.

You know I didn't want to do this anymore, right? And I felt terrible afterwards, because of it.

And yesterday I even slapped Hikari... And I... I..."

She started to cry again, ashamed and disgusted by her weakness, but unable to stop.

"Please let me sleep here. When you're around I can feel safe. Please help me."

Shinji was baffled by what happened, first his dream turned into reality. What a kiss.

He still felt the sweet touch of her lips, the smell of her hair and skin. He remembered the feeling of her warm body in his embrace.

And now she looked at Shinji with her beautiful eyes full of tears.

Begging him, without words now, to help her.

To see her delicate features, contorted through pain and fear, made him feel actual pain in his chest.

He felt his heart open up to her, like always.

All he wanted was to be there for her, but she wouldn't allow it normally.

Even know he knew Asuka clang to her pride, they were closer now, but she couldn't regularly let go of her barriers and defences.

And he knew how much it had cost her to open up to him and how desperate she had to be to do so.

But she had just told him, that she felt safe when he was around, he couldn't believe how good that made him feel in return.

He put his hands on the free part of the bed.

"You can sleep here, no problem. I'd do anything for you."

He couldn't believe he really said this, and blushed heavily

Asuka sighed happily, like a great weight had been lifted from her.

She didn't want to give the boy time to think it over.

Hastily she threw her bedding next to Shinji, jumped into the bed and pulled her blanket up to her shoulders. Then she switched off his reading light and turned around to lie on her left side, facing him.

It all happened in less than ten seconds and Shinji was left staring blanky into the dark room before him...

When his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he could see her watching him intently.

Her features seemed much more relaxed now, she gave him a shy smile, which sent shivers through his body.

Slowly her right arm emerged from under her blanket and she gently stroke his cheek.

Suddenly she moved closer to him, so that her face was only centimetres from his.

"Thank you."

She whispered and he could feel her breath on his face, this time it send shivers down his spine.

Then she gave him a quick kiss on his lips, turned around and snuggled herself into the sheets.

Shinji's hand wandered to his lips as if tracing the last races of her sweet lips.

When he awoke later in the night, she had snuggled up against him and had put his left arm around her waist.

She breathed slow and regularly and her face had an relaxed expression under the pale light of the moon which shone through his window now.

Shinji sighed happily.

"Asuka, suki dayo. I love you."

He thought the words he didn't dare to speak out loud.

He lay there for a long time, contend with just watching her, feeling her warmth against his body.

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From that day on she slept in his room.

Each night she slipped through his door, the moment Misato went to bed. and snuggled up to him, his arm around her waist.

There always were both his and her blankets between them and only a small part of her back actually touched his body.

But he still lost some sleep, laying awake, feeling the warmth of her body on his arm, listening to the sound of her breathing.

A few days later Misato entered the room, while Asuka was still sleeping, she took a sharp breath to start yelling, but was stopped short, when she saw the serious expression on his face and his "shush" gesture.

Slowly he left the bed careful not to wake the beautiful redhead, walked out of his room in pyjamas, gesturing for a baffled Misato to follow him into the kitchen, after she closed his door.

He began to prepare breakfast, waiting for Misato to regain her composure.

"Shinji, what is this all about?"

His guardians voice was dangerously quiet

"You two are only fourteen years old, I really can't allow you any shenanigans."

The Boy turned around, facing the older woman, looking puzzled.

"What's a shenanigan?"

He inquired with a puzzled expression.

Misato couldn't believe it. The nerve of that kid.

"Doesn't matter. I want to know how Asuka can be sleeping in your bed?

I know how you feel about her and to be honest I know enough teenagers at that age already have sex, but Shinji, I really can't allow it. Sorry."

"We, I mean I.. but .. it's not like that."

The boy stammered weakly his face turning a dark red.

He swallowed hard, Then he began to explain it to Misato, in his quiet, serious voice.

"She's having nightmares. She told me she couldn't sleep for weeks.

You remember how sick she looked last week?"

Seeing the Major nod, he continued.

"Misato, she was crying, begging me to help her. She was so desperate.

She said she feels safe when she's around me."

While he slowly told her how the girl he loved suffered, tears ran down his cheeks.

But when he had finished, he actually looked pleased with himself, or more with the fact that he was able to help Asuka in this way.

Misato knew exactly why, Asuka admitting that she needed help and even confessing that she felt safe around him, meant a lot to Shinji.

That was probably the moment, where she recognized just how deep his feelings for the high-strung german girl were, the fact alone, that despite his usual restricted ways he'd opened up to her with his explanation and the worry on his face, clearly showed that this was no mere boyish crush, but as Misato called it in her head "full throttle love."

Misato walked over to Shinji, ruffled his hair and wrapped her arm around his shoulder.

The kid regarded her with a serious expression on his face. He clearly didn't quite understand her reaction.

After she had given the matter some thought, she asked:

"So what do you think we should do, Shinji-kun, any ideas.?"

The boy nodded earnestly.

"Yes, to be honest I have. So far she hasn't told me too much, but I think it is important to know what her nightmares are about or if she knows what causes them."

He sighed.

"And I really think she should, you know, get some therapy, because I don't know whether we can really help her.

Yesterday she told me that she really considered suicide, because she couldn't take it anymore."

Misato felt moved, he was so concerned, it shone out through his soulful, dark-blue eyes

"Misato, I think it is really serious, I worry about her everyday.

I almost can't stand letting her out of my sight, for fear what will happen."

Wordlessly Misato embraced the boy in a tight hug. To her astonishment Shinji embraced her as well and started sobbing into her jacket. And it was her favourite red one too. Damn.

Misato felt a sharp sting of guilt in her heart, N.E.R.V. had taken three broken and hurt teenagers and forced them to endure horrible things, Yes even forced them into doing horrible things themselves.

She knew there was no other way to save humanity from the threat of the Angels, but it had come at a high cost.

Rei's terrible upbringing, everybody important person in her life seeing her only as a tool, until she met Shinji.

Dying twice, only to be reborn in a new body.

Asuka's terrible past, the devastating attack on her mind and back then, nobody was really interested in helping her, they just wanted her to be usable again, which ultimately led into suicide attempts and catatonia.

Shinji's past was almost as terrible, then he was hurt again and again piloting EVA, had to feel guilty about crippling one of his friends.

All that coupled with the fact that his father acted like a monster when it came to the kid.

"I just hope, I can help them as much as I helped to hurt them. Oh Kaji, why did you leave me alone? I could use your help with that and so many other things. I'm doing my best to make up for it, but it's so hard for me to do it alone."

Thinking about Kaji still hurt like hell, but in a way Misato cherished the feeling.

Finally Shinji's crying stopped and he looked up at her, rubbing his swollen, red eyes.

She ruffled his hair again.

"Okay Shinji, I think will try your way and I agree that Asuka probably needs therapy. But boy, are we in for a fight to get her to accept that."

She looked straight into his eyes.

"One thing, Shinji. You know I feel terrible about some of the things N.E.R.V. did to you kids."

He opened her mouth, as if to interrupt her.

"No don't say it!

You are wrong, I played my part.

Even before you and Asuka arrived here, I watched Ritsuko tormenting Rei again and again and didn't do a thing about it.

So what I want from you is really important. Help me make Asuka talk with me about her dreams, I want to be there for her. I have to."

Shinji looked as if he was weighin opinions inside his mind, but then he simply nodded.

"Wow!" the young woman thought: " a conscience really is a terrible thing. I need beeeeeeer!"

Just then Asuka walked out of Shinji's room, looking at the two of them, standing in front of the stove hugging, through sleepy eyes.

"Ugh! Misato is hentai Shinji putting the moves on you?"

She laughed scornfully.

"You shouldn't encourage him, since you are so old, you could practically be his mother."

Misato scowled at her and returned the vitriol.

"You are one to talk young lady, and that when I saw the two young lovers snuggling in Shinji's bed just 15 minutes ago."

Asuka shrieked in outrage:

"Not true, we were only.. I mean I was... no, Baka Shinji was..."

She blushed till her face was almost crimson and ran into the bathroom.

Misato smiled at Shinji who returned the smile uncomfortably.

Then, a minute after the bathroom door slammed shut, a honey coated voice was heard:

"Shinji, can you make me some pancakes for breakfast, please? The American kind? with maple syrup?"

"Sure ,Asuka."

Misato just watched amazed as Shinji sprinted back into his room and emerged half a minute later, wearing knee-long shorts and jumping on one leg, while trying to get his second foot into his sneakers.

Misato opened a can of beer and took a long swig.

"Whatcha doing, Shinji-kun?"

Having finale managed to put on his shoes, he cried: "Buying maple sirup." and dashed out of the apartment in less than ten seconds.

Misato took another swig, burbed and mused:

"Ah, that's better! Boy she really has him wrapped around her fingers."

The major chuckled to herself.

From that day on Asuka slept on a futon in Shinji's room next to his bed.

Most of the time that seemed to be enough, still occasionally the young redhead stumbled into the boy's bed at night, usually with tears in her eyes.

Shinji had to work hard, to get Asuka to open up and it was taxing to the boy as well. He felt his heart break, whenever Asuka told him another part of her dreams, slumped down on the couch or on her futon, looking down at her feet, speaking to herself and all the while crying quietly.

One day he couldn't stand it anymore, it was breaking his heart to see her like that.

He sat down beside her and put his arms around her slim shoulders, and Asuka his proud and strong friend clung to him and continued to speak faltering. Sharing her horrific dreams with him.

Still there was progress, she could sleep in peace most of the time, it was just that the images from her dreams continued to haunt her by day.

It took weeks for Shinji to get the young german girl to agree to talk with Misato.

The problem was she still didn't really trust Misato's commitment, feeling the major had already failed her twice.

Back when she was her guardian years ago, she had never really connected to the girl and then when Asuka was at her lowest, Misato chose to rather defend Shinji than help her.

So it sure wasn't going to be easy, but Shinji didn't give in until Asuka was finally ready to at least try to speak with the Major.

The two women (rather the girl and the woman) sat on the couch, sipping hot cocoa out of giant mugs, a plate with still warm cookies before them on the table.

Asuka mostly tried to ignore her, while Misato harped on and on about, Asuka being able to trust her.

"Yeah, fat chance!"

She thought.

"I'll never be able to trust you again. You abandoned me, not once but twice."

It was enough, Asuka was on a shirt fuse already, so she decided to just get it into the open and be done with it.

"Look Misato, it's not that I don't like you, 'cause I do.

It's not like I don't believe you that you mean well. I do believe you."

And there her voice broke a little bit.

" B-but I can't trust you, I just can't..

I could have died Misato, I tried to kill myself ,but you couldn't spare the time for me. It was always Shinji here, Shinji there.

I know I treated him badly, but I was the one who was broken at the time. You should have been there for me."

Misato wanted to scream.

"I didn't know! No one told me. You didn't tell me."

She couldn't. Considering the state Asuka had been in, when she was found in the bathtub of an abandoned building, everyone who wasn't totally naïve or a complete fool could easily recognize what she had been trying to do."

The beautiful german girl turned around to look Misato straight into the eyes.

Her normally so bright blue orbs were misted and she emanated an aura of sadness and depression.

There were deep shadows beneath those eyes.

Asuka had always been lean, almost too thin, but there was no almost anymore. Her face looked gaunt now, with the cheekbones very prominent.

"I could have died then Misato, I almost did."

Her voice broke again.

"Why did none of you care enough to help me? You only wanted me as a pilot and when I wasn't able to do it anymore..."

The tears were coming freely now and Asuka started to sob.

She was so angry at herself, it seemed she couldn't do anything more than cry these days. She tried to hold it in, but failed miserably.

Only when she was in her EVA, did she feel like her old self again.

The part of her mother that lived in Unit 02 comforted her and managed to keep all the darkness away.

The only other part of her life that was tolerable was when Shinji was around.

A part of her still hated her weakness, having to depend on someone she had always perceived as weak.

But she was sure she could trust him now. He wouldn't leave her alone anymore and frankly she didn't want to push him away any longer.

The only person she trusted in recent years had been Kaji, now that he was gone, Shinji seemed to fill that place inside her and being unusually honest she admitted, that he more than filled Kaji's place.

The third child was becoming increasingly important to her.
But what if even Shinji wouldn't be able to help her anymore,

Tormented by the raging emotions and the pain and fear inside, Asuka stumbled to her feet and stood before the living room table, shaking.

Misato felt crushed, looking at the desperate girl next to her.

It was far worse than she thought, Asuka was almost as miserable as during her depression after the 15th Angel's attack.

"I thought, Shinji was able to help her. But it seems there's a limit to it, that must be the reason why he's been so troubled lately."

It might even be possible that the young german girl would return into a catatonic condition.

Misato swore herself she wouldn't let it happen again.

"Asuka, I see how hurt you are. Your friends see it as well.

We want to help, I want to help."

"Don't have no friends, leave me alone.

She was just standing there unmoving, her head low and her voice sounded devoid of any emotion.

"Hikari is your friend, Shinji-kun is your friend. I'll be glad to be be your friend whenever you give me the chance."

"Don't want to. Leave me."

"I'm not going to leave you again."

"You will. Everybody always does."

"No, I'll never, never give up on you again, I promise. Just let me help."

"LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU ! I HATE YOU! GO AWAY!

The second child yelled at the top of her lungs.

"No, I'm not going away, we'll not let you down this time."

"LEAVE ME ALONE ! LEAVE ME ! KILL ME! PLEASE, KILL ME!"

And with that last cry, she jumped at Misato and attacked her without restraint.

Only the fact that Asuka was not exactly at her best, saved Misato the worst bruises.

After a fight with a feral little minx, Misato finally managed to catch the girl.

She held her on her lap, embracing her with both arms, while at the same time, effectively pinning down both the girls arms.

Still Asuka thrashed and flailed around. Crying and screaming at the top of her voice.

When Misato had a moment to catch her breath, she saw that Shinji was standing in the living room door. shocked by what was happening. in front of him.

Slowly he began to walk up to the couch. but Misato really couldn't pay him much attention, she had to get her face and head out of the way, when ever Asuka threw herself back, trying to use her skull to rearrange Misato's face.

Misato gestured for Shinji to walk up to her.

"Shinji-kun help me, I've got one idea, if this doesn't work then we have to get her to a hospital."

At the mention of this word, Asuka's wailing increased in volume once again.

She thrashed around furiously, screaming at the top of her voice, a heartbreaking, soul-piercing scream of pure pain.

"Shinji, we're just going to hold her, maybe it'll calm her down, when she feels the embrace,"

It was layman's psychology at best, if you even allowed to call it such, but what apart from knocking the girl out were they supposed to do.

They sat down next to Asuka's and both embraced her.

The redhead continued to cry and scream, hurling curses at them and tried to get free.

But slowly, oh so slowly she became calmer and her rage seemed to leave her,

With that fuel gone, her legs gave away under, and she would have fallen, if not four Shinji and Misato holding her.

She continued sobbing quietly and then looked first at Shinji, than at Misato.

a puzzled expression on her face.

Misato begun to pat Asuka's head.

"We're not going away. We're not going to leave you. I promise you, I will always give my best to help you and Shinji-kun. I love you both, you are my family."

The young redhead, just looked into Misato's eyes, not moving but scanning her face, with a concentrated gaze, as if she tried to discover any deceit.

This surely wasn't easy. Misato wasn't used to let others get really close to her.

But the children were already close to her heart, so much was true.

So she continued to caress Asuka's face, trying to be as open as possible.

"I'm really sorry for what I did. I should have let you get close to me when I was first appointed as your guardian.

At that time I couldn't really accept the responsibility. I was so young myself and still dealing with my own problems.

Then we had to put the interests of humanity before yours.

We had to, but we could have done a better job, all of you were unnecessarily hurt and we really can't just put the blame on Commander Ikari again.

I did my part, no matter how much remorse I feel now."

Still no reaction from Asuka.

"All I can do is promise to you that I will do my best. Now and until you don't need me any more, I'll be your guardian first and being a member of N.E.R.V. will always be second on my list."

Finally Asuka's features showed some expression, but the uncertainty and wariness, was almost as heartbreaking.

"You promise?"

She said in a small and timid voice.

"What?"

"You promise that you won't desert me? That you both will always be there for me?"

Then, she added almost as an afterthought, as if she didn't dare hope this.

"Promise that you will love me?"

Misato smiled broadly and sincere.

"Yes, on all three counts. I'll be there for you and I already love you both."

With that the normally so brash girl, shyly wrapped her arms around the young woman and returned her embrace.

Then Shinji, in an unusually bold move, joined the two women, hugging them both. They sat there for a few minutes, on the floor of their apartment.

Both Misato and Shinji felt that Asuka needed this reassurance.

When had the girl been embraced the last time, before she'd opened up to Shinji?

Her abusive personality had so long prevented anybody from getting closer to her and this had left her so lonely, like no one deserved.

Finally after Shinji began to feel a bit uncomfortable in the embrace because he could feel Asuka's heartbeat next to his (and what was situated directly above this heartbeat).

"Man, perhaps Asuka is right when she calls me hentai, if I react to her breasts even in a situation like this."

Almost as if she could read his thoughts the redhead turned to him .

"Don't get any wrong ideas, baka hentai, this is strictly friendship."

And for the moment Shinji felt that was enough.

This evening marked the day, where all three of them really accepted that this was now their family.

Author's notes:

Just so you know, this won't be the only jump forward in time.

I simply can't describe everything that's happening.

And I think most of it would be boring to read anyway.

Just like I can't really describe the psychotherapy Asuka is about to undergo.

I'm no therapist and I don't claim to know enough to describe it realistically.

On the other hand, I'm in therapy myself since a terrible bout with depression last summer, which led me to consider death as nothing that terrible.

And from my own experience I can say that psychotherapy goes a long way as long as you are willing to really open up to your therapist.

I see Asuka's experiences as a cathartic moment and I believe it would be enough to make her turn to therapy, if she is encouraged enough, that's why it's going to happen in my story.

Next will be a summer festival and some serious Shinji/Asuka waffiness.

This will be set almost two more years in the future.

After that we'll reach the moment when Seele 07's revenge starts.

Normally I expect to finish this story with chapter 7, but I honestly can't tell how much time it will take until I get there.

As always RnR, because I need the support to fuel my creativity.